Hello,
I would appreciate honest feedback and perspective as I am really torn.
A few days ago, I ran into a woman whose wedding I attended about 2 years ago. She is roughly my age, and is 7 months pregnant. I kept thinking, “what am I doing with my life? why isn’t that my story? what am I doing wrong?”
So yesterday I (39F) ended a 2 year relationship with a really wonderful man (34M), he had become like a best friend.
He was a free spirit kind of guy from a very difficult upbringing in a poor, 3rd world country and didn’t want to have children right now. Maybe never. He wasn’t sure. We talked about the subject many times but with no resolution. His last stance was he wanted to have $500k in the bank before having a kid. He was so worried about the responsibility of having a child. I am all for financial planning, but that would take ages. I will be menopausal by then LOL
I have spent 7 years married to someone previously who ended up not wanting children, so I learned not to repeat the mistake of spending years for someone to “be ready”.
I felt that if I stayed with him, nothing would ever change, another two years will go by and I will resent him in the process. Am I wrong in thinking this way?
I have always had strong maternal urges and wanted nothing more than to build my own little nest. I wish I had nieces/nephews but I don’t have that either. I only have my aging parents, I have no other family in America. The older I get the stronger this desire becomes. I don’t care if I use adoption or surrogacy or whatever, there are many ways to build a family. But it takes a team, and they both have to say yes, right?
Thanks for your feedback.
Comments
You did the right thing.
It’s absolutely a two yeses situation, and you want enthusiasm. It’s not just about being a great partner for you, but a great dad to potential kids, who wants to be there.
Getting involved with someone just to have kids is bizarre to me
It was the right call.
The man you broke off with has a really very valid concern about bringing a child and not being able to support the child financially. While you’re absolutely right about breaking it off early without a certainty of definite yes, it’s also vitally important to be aware of what it means bringing a child to the world. It’s important to balance your maternal instincts along with the willingness to be responsible for the welfare of a new life that you brought to the world.
Going forward, I would encourage you to be very upfront about your desire to have a child early on. This will save you from heartbreak and wasting your time in investing into a relationship that’s never going to give you what you want.
Yeah, unfortunately, with him being 34 and you being 39 and him putting such a high bar as his baseline for having kids is basically him saying no. He was going to run out the clock, and the worst part is that he could probably still have kids after the relationship ended if he did run out the clock, and that would have been much more heartbreaking for you.
Is it worth talking to a doctor to find out what your chances are of having a baby yourself at your age? I’m always saying that women’s fertility isn’t as cut and dried as people make it and plenty of women have gotten pregnant at 40, but it might be worth talking to a doctor to find out what your chances actually are?
You can always do it yourself. IVF find a sperm bank. My friend was with a guy for 7 years. She broke up with him because he wouldn’t fully commit. She got an egg and sperm donor and had a baby at 45.
I’m in a very similar situation. I’m devastated because he was the first good man I’ve ever been with and who truly loved me – and I’m 36! He was a gem of a human, but he didn’t see kids in his ideal future. I also keep wondering if I should’ve waited for him to change his mind. Just sending you love and the solace that you’re not alone. Breakups in your 30s are so alienating.
Adoption and surrogacy are both pretty fucking expensive. Like multiple years of daycare expensive. If you’re able to gestate a child yourself, it may be worth considering a sperm bank. I won’t sugarcoat how hard the first 4-5 years will be. But there’s nothing comparable to motherhood and I’d hate to see you lose that life experience.
This is fantastic! You set boundaries and KEPT them!!!! 👏
As someone who is childfree, it’s just as important for me to find someone who is on the same page! Anything that isn’t an all-in yes may as well be a no.
Personally I wouldn’t even want to meet someone for a first date without confirming where they stand on this. While I’m not trying to beat the clock, I don’t want to waste my time or get invested with someone who wants a life-changing thing that I don’t want.
All I can say is that I’m sorry you’re not having luck with your desire to have a child. I don’t have anything to offer other than I hope your story ends with joy
You made a tough but right call for you.
Should you wait for a guy to maybe change his mind? No. You know how that goes.
Find someone who either wants kids and or has kids. Sounds like you could be a great stepmom too.
Don’t date younger, they have more time to play around. There are men in their late 30s-40s who still want to build a family.
Be aware and prepared to turn to science if needed and don’t hesitate to do so. The sooner the better.
No you’re right. If kids are something you want you need to find some in the same boat. Not fair to either of you
You’re already at an age where maternity has become harder. If you really want to be a mother more than you want a partner, either get anonymously laid after a night at a bar or go to a sperm bank. But you don’t have a lot of time to wait for a man to decide he’s ready to be the father to your children.
I in no way mean to shame you, just to point out that you don’t have a lot of time to work on a relationship that may or may not result in parenthood. I got married at 36; we tried for kids in my early 40s. Despite my periods being regular, I did not get pregnant. We tried some entry-level fertility stuff, but no go. We were told that in my early 40s if we tried IVF our chances would be 10% on each try.
We’ve long since decided that we’re better off without kids; I tell you this just to give you an idea of the clock. You don’t have a few years to find another man, fall in love, and both be ready to have kids. It’s within the realm of possibility, but outside the realm of probability.
I’m just happy he was honest and open with you now instead of bailing when he got you pregnant.
Btw: do you want teens, cause that’s the stage that lasts the longest. And it’s not easy. The baby phase is only about a year. They’re teens for seven years.
I’m so proud of you for setting and sticking to your boundaries. That’s hard work.
Also, kind of similar but different, part of the reason I broke up with my ex was that he wanted kids and I don’t. Ever. Except he’s 40 and I’m 31. So he’s kind of running out of time and has all these ideas about what he wants to do for a child and why he wants a child and I’m like, I don’t wanna be a teen mom lol. I know I’m not young, but like no way I’m bringing a human being into this planet I can’t wait to get out of myself.
I have a girlfriend who did a sperm bank. You got options, man or no!
And as a single mom, it’s not as hard as you’d think to get dates etc
There is no shame from walking away from a relationship if your values and goals do not align for the present or the future. Period.
You did the right thing. As cool as he was, he wasn’t sure if he ever wanted a family — you know you do.
I hope you find what you’re looking for soon, in whatever format that comes.
It’s an incredibly difficult decision, but I think you did the right thing! It sounds like having a kid is a nonnegotiable for you and he seems ambivalent at best (wanting 500k in savings is kind of a cop out millstone to set). I admire you for honoring yourself and not giving up on the life you want even though it required you to make a difficult decision.
You’re not wrong, but if the guy I was dating didn’t want children, we wouldn’t have moved past the 3rd date. If you know what you want, then you have to be able to call out incompatibilities early and end it early
the biggest problem is that with the guy you were dating, he absolutely has the time to amass that $500k.
it’s not great, but he can kids way into his 60’s and beyond. as women, we can’t, and so we are constrained to the timeline of our biology.