I have a friend who is smart but slightly naive in that she doesn’t realize when people are being assholes to her. We balance each other well because she is more easygoing and positive (things work out for her a lot) and I’m cynical. I’ve been screwed over a lot and realized people don’t always have great intentions.
Recently we were at a happy hour for her job with a man she really wanted to impress. She’s a dancer in a small company and basically she’ll get more parts in shows if she impresses this one guy at another company. He was making derogatory, misogynistic remarks the whole night and negging her. Somehow she wasn’t catching the hint that he was slightly dickish and complained after how stupid she felt after interacting with him and not good enough to work for him. I am sympathetic and have been there and I get it but I was also bothered. She begged me not to leave but that meant I had to deal with his bullshit too.
I don’t want to but I felt SO angry watching her be genuinely confused each time he said something rude or ignored her. And then she followed him like a puppy to another bar even after he made crude jokes about women experiencing sexual assault at these same company happy hours. I left a lot of male-validation seeking behavior behind in my 20s and I don’t put myself in situations like these when I can avoid it. But I also get having to put up with misogyny from powerful men in my own work even though it’s slightly different. I know it’s not all her fault she feels she has to further her career like this but I’m genuinely so tired of men’s shitty behavior and my tolerance is almost nonexistent. I feel like I just lost a bit of respect for her and lately I’ve been frustrated with other women who don’t recognize or even make excuses for men’s blatantly harmful behavior, especially when they put me in situations where I have to deal with it. Am I being too sensitive? Why am I angry at her and why don’t I feel more supportive?
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You’re frustrated because those instances are still fresh in your mind and you wish you’d known what you know now at the time. She may have to learn the hard way, as you did.
If I was in your shoes, I’d eventually tell her how much the whole situation bothered me (specifically focusing on the guys behaviour) and I would ask if she felt kind of trapped in being socially connected to him because he had connections for future jobs. I’d keep the conversation lowkey and not too heavy. Then I’d let her know that it’s so hard to be privy to her industry because it seems to have so many misogynistic guys who don’t talk respectfully about women. Then I’d let her know that i can’t be around those people and if she needs to network with these guys that I couldn’t join her on her excursions. Then try to make light of it and say you felt like you needed to take a hot shower to wash away all of his douchebag vibes. See what she has to say about it and you might be planting some seeds to consider who she’s trying to impress.
Dance is such a complicated field, it’s body-obsessed which makes it so easy for misogyny to traipse in as a sidekick to critiques/feedback/reputations. I’d try to have compassion for her working in something she’s trained for but you also don’t need to be a part of it.
i think your frustration is totally valid…it’s really hard to witness loved ones put themselves in unsafe or unhealthy situations. That sort of behavior can make you feel concerned for her safety, but it can also make you question her judgement and decision making, which could result in you losing trust/closeness in your friendship, and ultimately cause you to feel angry as a form of self preservation. Try talking to your friend about what happened that night and approaching the conversation with as much curiosity and empathy as you can muster. Assume you know nothing about what her intentions were and ask her why she made those decisions, and tell her that you’re not comfortable being her support system in those situations moving forward.
I think watching her learn is triggering pain from the times you’ve been hurt. I think you can share what you’ve learned but ultimately, she may have to learn the hard way.
Btw, I don’t think you’re cynical, I think you’ve learned hard lessons and you care.
I get it, it’s like watching some bastard mistreating his puppy.
The vulnerability and innocence and living nature of a puppy, is what makes it touch our hearts. Seeing this man mistreating her with no consequences – because their are no consequences until he goes too far – just hurts your heart.
You are being a human being. Not too sensitive at all.
You aren’t feeling supportive because you feel there isn’t much you can do to help – she’s the one who has to wise up and teaching her that feels beyond you. It’s hard to teach self protection to innocence.
I think a lot of us are done taking BS from bad natured dudes.
It’s disappointing to see women who still let people treat them like garbage. It is frustrating. It feels like we should have solidarity here, so seeing a woman act like that feels regressive and sad. But, I get that it’s complicated. Not every single woman has seen what some of us have.
If I were you I’d probably tell her “this guy is an asshole, he’s not worth your attention.” Even for her job, it doesn’t impress anyone when you suck up to them and brown nose. That’s not impressive.