Hello ladies of Reddit!
I need some advice: My husband (30) has been a snorer forever, but recently he went from the occasional snore while liyng on his back (which I could fix easily by rolling him on his side like a porchetta), to snoring all night long in all positions.
His snoring keeps me awake as I am a light sleeper and having a literal tractor next to me is causing me to basically be wide awake by 4 am.
Since he goes to bed late (1-2 am) I have been going to bed at 9 pm to get a few solid hours in before this starts but last night… I guess I was so fed up of triyng to move him that at 6 am, while I was liyng there wide awake, I just yelled ‘holy Jesus can you shut the fuck up?’ And he woke up, looked at me, yelled back ‘so you’ve been awake for hours stewying on this instead of going to the couch? Very mature!’ And then proceeded to storm off downstairs to the couch.
Obviously by this point I could never go back to sleep so I just lied there for an hour thinking about it and I think I need a reality check.
Should I had to go to the couch? (It’s super sturdy and there are no blinds in the living room), is this a me problem? An US problem or a him problem?
He thinks this my problem, since he can sleep pretty much anywhere and with any sounds around, but I disagree.
I already know that when he wakes up he won’t talk to me – the silence treatment is, unfortunately, his go to method.
The one time he mentioned his snoring to his Doctor, the Dr told him to tell me to watch him sleep and see if he stops breathing, and if he does to come back.
Well, since I am wide awake most nights I can confirm that no, he never stops breathing, so now what?
Ladies with a partner that snores, what the fuck can I do here? I tried hearplugs, did not work, melatonin has 0 effects on me, I don’t want to sleep on the couch and the 2nd bedroom is a room full of boxes as we moved to this place not too long ago. I obviously don’t want to be grumpy and I don’t want to have to fight with him over this.
Help 😭
Comments
CPAP machine
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My dad was a terrible snorer. Paired with my mom having crippling insomnia. My dad slept on the couch my entire life, as long as I can remember. They are now divorced. They already didn’t get along well but that had to have negatively impacted their intimacy. I hope you can find a solution. The machine really does work, but it sucks for the person wearing it, but it does work. I also saw a tv ad recently for a snoring prescription lol, no idea if it works. Snoring is a real issue, we would have to book a separate hotel room for my dad on vacations (there were also 5 of us). I definitely don’t think it’s a you problem, relationship stuff needs to be discussed and handled as a team. Hope it gets better!
He may benefit from a sleep study and seeing an ENT doctor.
Get those boxes out of the second bedroom and make yourself a peaceful space. But the silent treatment? Are you sure he’s 30 and not 15?My advice there would be to pretend you don’t notice he’s ignoring you and just go about your day without worrying about him.
You may just need to sleep in separate rooms. My ex and I did that sometimes. He’d volunteer to take the couch. He also tried to let me fall asleep first usually.
It’s better to get a good night of rest than not.
Encourage him to do an at home sleep apnea test
I use a floor fan when I sleep or when we travel play white noise on my phone. I didn’t have to do this until I married my husband. But it helps me a lot, I’m not sure if it’s drowning him out or if it’s just that there’s already a noise so the noises he makes are less disruptive.
He might want to go see another doctor though, since it seems like it’s getting worse.
Is he overweight? Weight can cause a ton of sleep issues
Does he have his tonsils still? Those, too, can cause issues.
He can also do a sleep study, get a CPAP.
And yes, if you can’t sleep and are getting upset, remove yourself from the situation and talk about it when you both are awake and refreshed.
My husband snores a lot and very loudly but refuses to get a sleep study or CPAP. He sleeps in the guest room and I sleep in the main bedroom. If we have guests and he has to sleep in the main bedroom, I usually end up on the couch. Make your spouse move the boxes or sleep on the couch. This isn’t your problem, it’s his.
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Personally, I’d tell the doctor yup he does stop breathing when he’s asleep, and get a sleep study. I’m not taking on extra work when they can do the medical test and we could get clearer answers.
My husband snored, I woke him up every time his snoring woke me up. If it bothered him then he could move to the couch. He just prioritized getting a sleep study done when he realized how much his snoring was impacting my sleep.
My partner snores and I can’t sleep through it. It makes me want to smother him. So now we sleep in separate rooms. We snuggle in bed and watch tv before we go to sleep to try to make sure we still get that intimacy. I am an absolute monster to be around if I don’t get enough sleep. I would rather sleep separately than fight all the time because neither of us is getting the sleep we need.
Before sleeping in separate beds was an option he was the one that went to the sofa. Snoring isn’t a me problem it’s a him problem.
And the silent treatment because you got frustrated and yelled because of lack of sleep? He needs to grow up and work on his empathy.
This is exactly why my parents sleep in separate rooms. My mom has a deviated septum and snores SO much.
But also see if you can get him a sleep study.
I think you owe him an apology, and I think he owes you one too. If someone screamed and cursed at me in the middle of the night about me snoring, I don’t know that I would tolerate much after that without them acknowledging that’s not how to handle it. That said, he owes you an apology for not taking responsibility to get to the bottom of his snoring, clinically, as it’s his medical issue.
You all are going to have to be more aggressive to seek evaluation for sleep apnea for him. May have to go to multiple doctors, and ultimately a sleep neurologist is an expert. At home and in clinic sleep studies are part of the process, with the in clinic ones being more sensitive and able to give more information. If he does have apnea, a respiratory therapist can help guide his CPAP journey. Yes, they are loud and annoying.
Clearing out that second room and setting it up as his bed will help you both get sleep.
Is he tongue-tied? That can contribute to snoring if so.
If he’s hypermobile at all, a hypermobile jaw and neck can contribute. There are dentists who specialize in sleep who can custom-fit splints to wear at night to keep his jaw from sliding back out of place when he sleeps.
What about nasal strips? My ex snored like a tractor – nasal strips helped so much
Lots of helpful advice here both on the snoring and communication parts of this situation that I think are worth exploring. I have one more suggestion that might help, it helped my husband at least. This is going to sound like an ad but I swear it’s not. There’s this amazing straw/water bottle that helped my husband stop snoring. Probably doesn’t work for all causes of snoring, but it saved my sleep marriage so I thought I’d pass along for consideration.
https://remasteredsleep.com/
Something else I haven’t seen mentioned is indigestion or GERD. My partner snored like a frieght train before until he stopped eating right before bed and started taking antacids. We’ve slept in separate spaces most of our relationship.
But outside of this, your boyfriend is flat out being a dick. An immature dick. You guys need to work on conflict resolution together. No judgement because I’ve been and still am there to a degree. He thinks it’s your problem because he can sleep anywhere? Then he needs to get up and go to a different space. He is expecting you to tolerate his rude behavior? Yeah, no.
lol I am reading this having just moments ago put my own earplugs in – I feel your pain!! fwiw not all earplugs are born equal, you may find some that are able to help. I tried for a while and hated most of them until I got some silicone ones from a company called Loop. They’re actually comfortable and you can add an extra bit into them that blocks more sound.
When it’s extra bad I’ll put another pillow on top of my head as well as the earplugs though that’s obviously not ideal. Sometimes he gets a gentle nudge/poke/encouragement to roll over/shut up.
Definitely not just a “you” problem and I’m sorry your husband is being childish, he probably feels guilty on some level but some people aren’t good at feeling their feelings.
Good luck I hope you get it sorted!
You seem to have two issues to deal with: the snoring and the silent treatment. The snoring, maybe nothing can be done. My partner snores so loudly that I sometimes hear it from my bedroom with both doors closed. He saw a specialist and the option is surgical, no guaranteed results, so we won’t go that route since his health is not impacted.
But it’s an us problem. He’s sorry about keeping me awake and I was involved in the options he had with the specialist. We made the decisions together. Communication is key in a relationship so if your spouse cannot express his thoughts and feelings, or if he’s keeping silent to “punish”’you, that’s a much bigger deal than the snoring and should be addressed in therapy.
Two bedrooms was the solution for us but it’s something we talked about and agreed on together. Good luck 🙂
Please schedule that man a sleep study! He has sleep apnea & a CPAP machine will change both of your lives for the better… It’s amazing how things can change in your life once you’re all sleeping well, I’ve had CPAP for 3 years & the difference is night & day
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I will die on the hill that separate bedrooms and separate bathrooms can be the keys to a successful marriage.
But also… he should probably talk to his doctor about the change in snoring.
The silent treatment is dumb but so is yelling at someone in the middle of the night instead of treating this like a joint issue for you to solve together. There needs to be somewhere else comfortable for either of you to go and some compromise about who goes where when.
People go straight to doctors and CPAP but in my relationship we both can be snorers and it’s affected greatly by seasonal allergies. We’re more likely to snore if we can’t breathe through our noses at night. If it’s spring where you are, maybe this has made it worse for your situation too?
So for us Flonase before bed helps a lot and if my husband gets bad (I’m the lighter sleeper though I’m a culprit too!) he wears breathe right strips. In addition I use a white nose machine but set it to brown noise because it’s amazing IMO. If all else fails (I can’t wear earplugs they’re too uncomfortable) I sleep on the couch, or he offers to.
Reading this while my husband is snoring in bed..
I get your frustration. My husband doesn’t always snore, but sometimes he does.
He’s sweet about it when we’re awake and says “oh just wake me up and tell me I’m snoring!” Well, I’ve done that but when he’s half asleep he just says “oh sorry” rolls over and instantly falls back asleep to snore again.
I’d rather sleep than be awake and mad, so I just move to the (very comfortable!) couch, or the guest bed.
Reddit loves to act like a sleep study and sleep apnea are the answer. My mom, who also snores like crazy AND sounds like she’s about to die, did an at home sleep study and passed with flying colors. So it’s not the end all be all that the internet confidently says it is.
At the end of the day, you need to find a solution that works for both of you. Stewing angry in bed isn’t a solution. And giving you the silent treatment (like how dare you want a good night’s sleep!) also isn’t a solution and needs to be addressed.
Uh, this is an absolute him problem. His snoring is keeping you from getting any sleep. And you’re expected to go to the couch if it’s bothering you? Ha. Fuuuuuuuck that.
My husband was insane with the snoring. Nothing helped, including all the things I was doing to not hear him sleep. He went to the dr, had an at home sleep study and ended up having a sleep apnea machine. He doesn’t snore anymore (BLESS HIM) and he wakes up feeling refreshed, rested and his sore throat he always had, is gone. Crazy how that happens.
He needs to go to the dr. I’d be ready to pack my shit and leave if I was expected to sleep on the couch AND that his snoring is MY problem to deal with? He needs a huge wake up call.
I’m not a medical professional, but this happened to my boyfriend and I and he got an at-home sleep study done. He found out he needed a CPAP. He now never sleeps without it and I sleep like a baby right next to him.
Your husband probably has sleep apnea. He needs to do a sleep study and get a CPAP.
Oof. I think the bigger issue is that hes saying its exclusively a you problem, because his snoring doesnt affect his sleep..
Your husband is selfish. Clear the boxes out of the second room and sleep there.
Every issue that arises in a relationship should be you two verse the problem. There is no such thing as a you vs him. Or a him alone against an issue.
During a time of calm emotion, you two need to come up with as game plan to ensure you both get good sleep. With the understanding that no one is in the wrong here, snoring happens and sleep for both partners is important.
Is he hasn’t tried anything yet, there are a dozen things at the drug store he can try like nose breathe strips, mouth guard, throat sprays, even drinking more water can help. All of these are remedies for non-apnea snoring.
If they don’t work, he needs to go see a ENT doctor (not your family doctor) and request an at-home apnea test.
However, if so of that doesn’t work out for some reason, you need to make yourself a second bedroom for decent sleep.
Source: my mother ran off the road due to lack of sleep, and finally her abs dad got over this “in insulted I can’t sleep next to you”hump.
Source#2: I’m the snorer. Turns out I have apnea and my breathing machine is literally adding years to me life I otherwise would have because lack of consistent oxygen slowly kills you
He needs an actual sleep study done. You may not be able to tell if he does stop breathing.
You also need to sleep in separate bedrooms until it gets sorted out because if he needs a CPAP, that’s rarely an easy transition and it’s not a cure. Make it a fun project to clean out that second bedroom and get it set up.
I’m saying this as a woman in her late 30s who has had sleep apnea since she was a little girl. I snore insanely loud.
I understand you’re both frustrated. You deserve quality sleep and he doesn’t want to get blamed for something he’s not doing on purpose. This is going to lead to resentment on both sides and people who are sleepy aren’t happy people. Sleep in separate rooms no matter how odd that may feel.
Yall need a second bedroom
No real advice, just empathy. My husband also snores really loud. It started maybe 6 years ago and has progressively gotten worse. He went to a specialist and he doesn’t have apnea. He was given some nose spray to use, because the doctor said it’s likely from his allergies, but he’s a typical German in that he is afraid of basically every medication and so he does not use the nose spray every night, even though the doctor told him to. The nose spray (if he actually uses it) helps a lot, but not completely. There’s definitely other factors at play.
Sleep deprivation is literally a form of torture. So I can understand being furious when you can’t sleep, and having what feels like an irrational reaction. Earplugs don’t work for me, either, and I’m a side sleeper so I cannot sleep with an earplug in (no matter how soft) against a pillow.
Our “solution” right now is I move to the couch (which is uncomfortable and in a terrible location window-wise) and eventually he feels bad enough that he will sleep a few days on the couch. Then he tries to sleep in the bedroom again, I can’t sleep of course, so rinse and repeat.
You’re really, really lucky you have that second bedroom. I’d kill for a second bedroom. What could be ours is his office, since he works from home. There’s no space in there for even a single bed.
I hope your husband is trying to find an answer to why he snores and get it fixed. It’s extremely hurtful for someone to just shrug their shoulders and say “oh well”, because it’s not hurting them, only you.
I kick him and that’s his cue to roll on side. I couldn’t roll him if I tried 🙈. Most of the time it helps. When we had newborn and I was sleep deprived he slept on couch (we also have room full of boxes lol).
Luckily due to his work schedule he’s not home most nights until morning so I get plenty time in bed without him and when he’s off I usually go sleep first also and he stays up late.
We have tried everything and nothing helps. He needs nose surgery to improve things and does not want to do it. Regards silent treatment- is he a child or an adult? That’s such a childish behaviour. In our household it’s only our 3yo who gives silent treatments… unfortunately they only last like 30 seconds.
I move to the guest bedroom when he wakes me up. If he drinks alcohol he takes the guest bedroom. He does not wake you up on purpose but he does wake you up. If I don’t get enough sleep that is definitely an us problem. We have the agreement that if one thinks the other needs to see a doctor, you just do it. I send him to avoid a burnout (just in time) he send me when I was being pregnant and was nauseous all the time. We look after each other
I think the doctor is trying to test him for the sleep apnea which you could google the symptoms and see if it’s applied for you husband. If yes,besides seek help from the doctor again,check out if there’s anything you can do.
Move yourself to other room and sleep separately. A lot of couples are living happily like that cuz quality sleep is important to keep your body functioning.
If you don’t want,invest in a real good noise canceling headphones.
Good luck!
He probably has sleep apnea. My husband is the same. My advice is set up a comfy guest bed and when you have to sleep with your husband, foam ear plugs and a white noise maker and make sure you fall asleep before him. It’s one of the biggest fights of my marriage. Good luck OP.
Yeah I’m gonna add to the list of people who say he should get a sleep test. I snore in all positions and even though I don’t really stop breathing, it’s laboured enough that my O2 levels dropped so low my ENT told me to get a CPAP.
My husband’s snoring was like that. Started out light and only when he was on his back then progressively got louder and more often and it all sleeping positions. We ended up at the ENT and found out he has a deviated septum and all it took was some singular for him to quit snoring. Best of luck.
First off, your husband sounds like an immature child. He knows HE is the problem, but he’s going to be mad at you? No sir. Honestly, I’d be giving the petty treatment right back at him. I’d move the boxes from the second bedroom out of there and make it up to be YOUR room. And then don’t clean or change the sheets in his room. It’s his responsibility now. (That’s not the most productive way of handling things, I know.)
Honestly, he needs to be seen for sleep apnea ASAP, and if he’s diagnosed, then he NEEDS to wear the mask. There are a ton of other medical issues with sleep apnea, and he needs to be scared straight about it.
You have my full sympathy, because I went through the same thing (and still am, to a lesser extent.) I used to move to the very uncomfortable couch, where I’d cry to myself for the rest of the night. HE would start snoring within 5 seconds of his head hitting the pilllow. I know this because I timed it. Honestly, it took years of me crying, begging and nagging him before he did anything. I even recorded his snoring and let him listen to himself. I would make the bed with attitude, I would make up the couch with attitude (I would pointedly tell him that I was making up MY bed.) It took me telling him that I’d spend my nights looking up apartments and him seeing the VA before he did anything about it.
Turns out, his head is too big for the mask, so his doctor is looking into other alternatives. Meanwhile, he still snores. When it gets bad enough, I will say things like “Seriously?!?!?” (with emphasis) or “accidentally” nudge him so that he wakes up enough to stop snoring.
You have a right (and a need!) to get appropriate rest. He has a right to snore.
Sleeping in a different bedroom when my husband elected his right to snore was the best choice I ever made.
Most snoring is weight related- I told him if he wants to sleep together, he will have to address his weight/snoring. He did.
I feel you because my husband snores horrendously, so I know how that feels and how that can lead one to snap. But yeah, when you jar someone awake at 6 am by aggressively yelling and cursing at them, their immediate reaction is going to be mad and yell back. Not sure what else you’d expect. This is a shitty thing to do and not an acceptable way to treat anyone, let alone your spouse.
Even now, you seem furious that he snores, as if he was snoring at you and by choice, when realistically, that’s not something he controls at will. Just like you can’t control that it prevents you from sleeping. There’s no point in assigning blame or debating whose problem it is. In a good marriage, everything should be us vs the problem.
In the moment, yes the solution was to go to the couch; then address the problem during the daytime. But I’ve been there and I’ve done the stew and snap, so I get you.
Make it a priority to clear and set-up the second bedroom. One of you should sleep there. He should also consult again, specifically about this problem. But it’s not always solvable and sleeping separately might have to be a long-term solution.
The silent treatment is immature and not the way to resolve anything.
Get c-pap. Signed, former snorer.
I can’t believe only one other comment called you out for your extremely unacceptable behavior. Like dude I’m a light sleeper too and can’t be happy next to a snoring person either, but waking someone up in the middle of the night going CAN YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP? Like, really? And then he’s the villain?? And “moving him” to get him to stop snoring? That’s not an actual solution. Do you want to be “right” or do you want to be able to sleep? Like talk to the man, be an adult, come to a solution together. I don’t condone the silent treatment at all. But you weren’t behaving well either.
He needs to talk to his doctor and setup a sleep study asap. Excessive snoring is a sign of sleep apnea, and sleep apnea is a scary and dangerous thing. Please do take take this seriously and rule out underlying causes. I can completely relate to frustrations and how it impacts your sleep – believe me! – but there could be something else going on there.
We had luck with lip tape. I know it sounds and looks weird but it works – look it up on Amazon. It’s sticky tape (shapes as an X) that he can put over his lips.
I would have given up on trying to sleep next to a tractor in like, 2 nights.
For some weird reason it is ‘odd’ if a couple sleeps apart, but every person that does has two well rested individuals, so why not sleep apart?
I went through this for about a decade. I didn’t like sleeping in the spare room. I suffered with earplugs underneath over-ear noise canceling headphones that connect to the TV (had to get an adapter for traveling so it will work on not-smart tvs too). It helped, but i developed neck issues from the headphones.
I eventually begged him to get a sleep study. The conversation that finally worked was “I have made every adjustment possible to my sleep. My next adjustment is where I sleep PERMANENTLY. I need you to try this one thing for the health of our relationship.” He did the study, wasn’t thrilled about the sleep apnea diagnosis, but when he slept a decent night’s sleep, he decided he was all for it. Our relationship is much better these days.
It’s worth nothing all the great things a proper night’s sleep does for a person. It’s also worth remembering all the things NO sleep affects. When I read about the likely uptick in dementia diagnosis due to regularly disrupted sleep, I got serious about my sleep.
If he can sleep anywhere, he should sleep on the couch (as in not come to the bed to disrupt you but just start on the couch).
My husband used to snore so loud – moving to another room didn’t help bc both of our apartments were small.
Before we moved in together, I was like you need to do a sleep study, I can’t live like this. He did. He has an APAP machine, it’s similar to a cpap. He said it changed his life, and lol it changed mine too.
The machine isn’t loud at all. If it is, something isn’t working right so he fixes it. Our fan is louder than the machine.
Also my best friend used to snore horribly too and I’d want to die every year on our girls trip. She got a cpap and it’s been so nice 😂
Not addressing his actual sleep issues but more wanting to help you sleep lol
I had a similar issue with this, my husband started a new medication and went from lightly snoring sometimes to SNORING. IN MY FACE. ALL NIGHT. It’s not a medical issue it’s just an unfortunate fact of life now for us both. I didn’t want to sleep on the couch, didn’t want him to sleep on the couch bc of something he couldn’t help, and we don’t have another bedroom. It was rough for a bit.
The best fix I found was one of those headbands on Amazon that has earbuds built into it. It’s totally flat so comfortable and doesn’t require anything to actually be inside your ears. Also doubles as an eye mask. I’ve tried a few different brands (Sleep Cozy was one, I can’t remember the others) and they were all good.
I listen to white noise podcasts on Spotify – I have a few saved and switch it up depending on how loud he is (e.g. some nights I go for light rainfall, other nights I need heavy rain with a box fan in the background). I sleep totally fine now. It may be doing long term damage to my hearing but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it!
I have a husband that does this. I sleep in another bedroom and have since the first year of our living together. I will never go back either. You will sleep amazing and it is so nice to have your own space. You can figure out the boxes. Your sleep is worth it.
He should get tested for apnea though for his health because it’s likely that if he is snoring that much and it causes so many problems for health. He is probably crabby from being chronically exhausted. You probably are as well. No one in your house is rested and it’s not good for you guys.
I hope you get sleep soon
Be like me and be deaf. Jk.
The people who keep everyone else awake by snoring NEVER think it’s an issue because THEY can sleep through it and are waking up well-rested while everyone else is grumpy 🙄
What bothers me most about this situation is that he doesn’t seem to care that something he is doing ( even an inadvertent thing ) is causing you discomfort.
You shouldn’t have to sleep on the couch. He should be making follow up appointments with the doctor, looking into solutions, and concerned about how this is affecting both you and the relationship.
I slept on the couch for years because my ex didn’t care enough about me to make any changes or get anything looked it.
I understand snoring isn’t a choice but there should be interest and care for your partner’s sleeping experience and I know that I was keeping someone awake every night, I’d desire to fix it immediately.
I was a couch sleeper for years because my ex snored and wouldn’t do anything about it.
Mouth tape! I read Breathe by James Nestor and wanted to try taping my mouth to help with nasal congestion and overnight dry mouth. My partner got on board and now we’ve been taping our mouths nightly for 4 years. We both sleep so much better, but what is relevant to your post is that he no longer snores!!
My husband and I fought over his snoring for years. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and told him to get a sleep study. Turns out he had severe sleep apnea. He now sleeps with a CPAP, is getting the oxygen he needs, and I don’t hear him snore anymore.
I suggest a 2 pronged approach:
Set up a quiet space in other bedroom and also leave blankets in the living room in case the walls aren’t thick enough to block the sound some nights.
Get your husband to lose weight. It’s likely he’s put in a few pounds and that’s why his snoring has changed. Try the don’t eat after 6pm rule. If you need him to be motivated, make it competitive. It’s easier for men to lose weight faster bcos they have more muscle mass than women, so he will be likely to win – and then you win when his snoring stops.
We sleep in separate bedrooms 🤷🏻♀️ we’ve been together 15 years and for the last 5 we’ve been absolved of this issue because he has his own bed in his own room where he can saw logs with his face all night long and I don’t have to suffer for it
My abusive ex snores like crazy and he would get so angry when I’d push him to go to the couch. Mind you at the time I was a SAHM for three little ones and definitely needed my rest.
He ended up finally moving to the guest room but our marriage didn’t last. A partner who doesn’t care that they are ruining your much needed sleep is someone who doesn’t care about you. Sleep deprivation is used for torture.
My current (and forever) partner snores once in a while…I barely touch him and he’s up and moving to the couch. I’m never scared to ask him to move.
Snoring is a silent killer.
I am quite certain that my husband has sleep apnea, but he refuses to see a doctor about it.
He chooses to sleep on the couch instead. It sucks, I miss sleeping with him… but we can’t force people to address an issue that they don’t care to address.
Sounds like you need to fix up that second bedroom. It will be with the uninterrupted sleep. Trust me.
I also have been dealing with this. I’ve experienced the same progression – from barely snoring to extreme. Here are some things that I have done:
First, I made it clear that I can’t live like this and that if a solution wasn’t sought I would be sleeping in the second bedroom. I didn’t do it in a way that was threatening or attacking, I simply said it wasn’t personal and that I just can’t function without sleep.
He almost certainly has sleep apnea. He needs to get a sleep study done, or at the very least wear a device that monitors his O2 levels (lookie ring, oura ring, etc). He needs to get to a point where he understands that this sort of snoring can have serious health implications for him as well.
We got air purifiers for all over the house. This made a HUGE difference – apparently my man randomly developed an allergy to dust mites. Now his snoring is back to happening when he sleeps on his back. His normal GP prescribed a test for this. They will probably also tell him to lose some weight, if weight is an issue – this obstructs breathing during sleep.
He needs to go to an ENT. He might be struggling with a nose deformity that developed recently that is causing this sort of obstruction. Surgery might be the answer.
We are still working through some of the steps listed here, but so far we have seen a huge difference and I am no longer pulling out my hair. Good luck.
https://ozlosleep.com/
The only thing that’s worked for us
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My husband snores pretty badly. It’s gotten so bad over the last 5 years we sleep in separate rooms. I am far into perimenopause and have my own sleep issues. That being said, I got him to get tested for sleep apnea and he has severe obstructive sleep apnea and needs a cpap machine, pronto. Has your husband been tested?
My partner of 9 years and I go through this every now and then for various reasons for example when we are sick, have been drinking, if we are exhausted and also when we had our son for the first six ish months (because we were exhausted), both of us can be SUPER loud horrific snorers for various reasons but it’s never for a prolonged period. My partners solution is to sleep in the spare room, my solution is to wear my earbuds and listen to any sound coupled with “white noise” on YouTube as it drowns out everything. I go to sleep most nights with something playing because I have trouble falling asleep so the earbuds don’t bother me but my partner can’t fall asleep with his in.
If this is an ongoing issue he needs to do something medically about it, and I would suggest maybe setting up your own comfy sleeping space so you can leave the room but still get a good sleep.
it is absolutely infuriating trying to sleep and hearing the snoring so I 100% sympathise with you. When I am the snorer, I feel very bad and guilty when I wake up and he’s not in our bed. I really hope he seeks help for it and it’s a fixable problem!
My partner has the same problem and according to him it’s something everyone knows him for. When i invited him to my place and he fell asleep in the couch it echoed in my whole place. I’m a light sleeper as well and usually I try to sleep before him and then he sleeps. He got it checked and was given it a device and even with those snoring he did actually stopped breathing a certain amount of time a min. He has a cpap now. I understand you frustration and I think you are very valid in what you feel.
Sleep in your own room instead of trying to “fix” him. If he doesn’t like it maybe he’ll do something about it.
He needs a sleep study. A Cpap machine saved our marriage.
It’s an us problem. You both need to sleep. I’d see if he can get a sleep study done – there could be things other than sleep apnea going on – but seperate bedrooms is an answer to keep the peace. Waking him up because you’re awake is extremely annoying when he literally has no control over the snoring. Work together to problem solve so that you can both get some sleep.
His Dr was wrong get him to an ENT. As the snorer in the relationship I feel a lot of guilt over keeping my husband awake but the snoring is outside of my control. I was just not sleeping for a while. He finally started wearing earplugs and it has made all the difference. I have been to several different ENTs and done an at home sleep study(they lost my results). So I am now getting ready to book an in hospital sleep study.
Both partners are responsible for trying to lessen the load of the other. I am actively working on ways to deal with/fix the snoring while my husband finds ways to mediate it. It’s an US problem not a him or you problem.
Deviated septum surgery!!! This was my life. And it just kept getting worse as we got older (he’s 40). I made him an ent appointment, they said surgery or sleep study and the whole mask and machine and all. We opted straight for surgery and both of us are sleeping through the night and so well now. I will preach it from the rooftops for people to look into it. He notices feeling more refreshed when he wakes up and for the first time in YEARS I am able to sleep
Also get a second opinion. Stopping breathing is not the only thing to be aware of when snoring is this big of an issue. He needs a sleep study done by a sleep focused Dr. I’d look for a sleep specialist in your area.
Snoring like you describe is usually an indicator of a bigger issue. He probably isn’t getting good quality sleep either. Most regular doctors know nothing about sleep disorders.
Move those boxes, out the door…. like silent treatment is not okay. Sit down and talk about it
However if moving out is not an option, move to the 2bedroom. I measured and recordedthe noise : 47 decibel and started it to play a few times in the morning, he woke up;) started really to resent my hubby, while it’s a stubborn sweethart. However since than he really understood the problem and cooperated.
Take care!
Sounds just like my wife! I wear Mac’s silicone earplugs nightly – I sleep like a baby.
I tried everything. 15 years together. We sleep in different bedrooms.
Sleep study, NOW! Naturally it’s bad if they stop breathing, but he needs a sleep study. Like right now.
Why am I so adamant? My LATE husband snored forever, when they diagnosed him with Congestive Heart Failure, they asked if he snored. When he was put on a BiPap (more serious version of a CPap) the snoring stopped. However, it was too late, the damage was done.
If he isn’t cooperative about it, tell him to make sure his will and all other matters are in order so your life will be easier after he dies.
Yes, I AM being an alarmist, but this is about more than his bad attitude. Also, were you in the room when he told his doctor about this? Because, my guess is the doctor suggested a sleep study and you got an amended version of that doctor’s visit.
Unfortunately, it’s an “us” problem.
Your anger is valid, because you’re exhausted. His hurt is valid, because it’s nothing he can control consciously… What’s left? Compromise.
Encourage him to get a sleep test. It’s not your job to diagnose sleep apnea. He should have it diagnosed by a professional, ask for a referral.
Clear those boxes out and make it your sleep evac spot. You guys are sleeping separately anyway at this point, with you going to bed at 9 and him later…this way you could at least spend some time together. I know a few couples that say this has saved their marriage, too. At least you could sleep while you figure out a long term situation?
The only thing that’s worked for me for my husband was wearing headphones to bed and playing white noise/rain/ocean sounds, etc.
these headphones on Amazon (s rhythm 25) have over the ear cushions so they aren’t horrible to sleep with.
Solidarity girl. It’s hard
I found putting bits of tissue in his nostrils helped. I feel for you, it’s a living hell
Are you asking if you needing to sleep is a you problem? No pretty sure it’s a human problem. He’s getting his sleep and is telling you that your sleep is less important than his. Do with that what you will.
My husband is a huge snorer. He’s had sleep studies, nose surgery, and a bunch of stuff to fix it but it has persisted. He does not have sleep apnea.
I wear earplugs every night, and a sleep mask for extra ear coverage. I get great sleep now.
Currently looking into custom earplugs, as I’ve slept with them for like 10 years now so I figure that would be worth my time and investment.
I think your husband needs a C Pap. My brothers best friend was a bad snorer like this and his wife just slept in the other room. He did get a CPap but he stopped using it. He was found dead in his sleep in January. I’m not trying to scare you, but it’s something that needs to be taken care of. We miss him terribly
My sis and dad had crazy snores that would startle me from other rooms. Once I read on it, I pushed so hard for sleep studies they finally relented just to shut me up 🙃
Wouldn’t you know, they were some of the worst cases the office has seen. Everyone is happier having answers.
Waking a person and being mean in the midst of what sounds like not restful sleep for him is pretty shitty IMO. People with sleep apneas brain function is disrupted by their disorder.
Sleep apnea can kill.
His doctor is a POS. If you dm a little info, I can help you track down an office/ care team that will help.
He needs to go to a doctor and get it figured out. Why is this your responsibility? If I knew I was disturbing my partner’s sleep I would seek care to remedy that. It’s so selfish
He needs to see a doctor. It’s an underlying medical issue that will either need surgery (my husband had sinus surgery, adenoids, and tonsils removed and he no longer snores) or he needs to lose weight.
He needs a sleep study and a CPAP. Snoring is so incredibly bad for our health. This is his problem to fix, not yours. Sleep in the other bedroom until he fixes this.
My husband has an app on his phone that tracks his sleep, time spent snoring, volume. It compared his snoring to a semi truck in the same room. It’s horrible. After YEARS of snoring, he was finally able to realize how awful it is for me. Even the couch isn’t far enough away. He still won’t lose the 50 pounds the duct he suggested, or pay for a sleep study, or exercise, or quit soda & late night eating. So he sleeps in the guest bedroom. I get sleep, but now the one space in my house that was always spotless is now full of his crap. But I am sleeping through the night almost every night. The snoring still wakes me sometimes, but drastically less than it used to. Make yourself a peaceful little space in the spare room asap, if you really want to keep this relationship.
Even if you didn’t observe apnea, he should still get a sleep study done. A sleep specialist may have some helpful answers even if it is not specifically sleep apnea.
I would urge everyone to read Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, PhD. You will have a whole new understanding of how vital sleep is, and how losing even one hour is deleterious to health. Or start by watching his TED talk on YouTube.
Losing sleep is a very big deal.
CPAP
Why isn’t he trying to fix this? Seems like he is 100% okay with interrupting your sleep and well-being. And also gives zero shits about his own health. Sleep apnea is no joke.
I have never heard of a doctor tell someone, “See if your spouse sees or hears you stop breathing during sleep and then we can help you.” If your husband told you this, he’s leaving important shit out. Single people who have nobody to do this? What happens to them? They get a sleep study.
Nowadays, it can start small at home with an app. Or, sometimes they can send you the equipment so you don’t have to go stay somewhere. Sometimes, it requires staying overnight in a facility.
If he can’t put on his big boy pants and take care of his health, then he can have the couch permanently.
Time to reach out to his doctor and ask for a sleep referral. No more playing around
Imagine someone disrupting your sleep all night long and thinking it’s a you problem! I would be so embarrassed and feel absolutely terrible if my partner couldn’t sleep all night because I was snoring. That’s so disrespectful to you. There are ways to address snoring. Cutting back on alcohol at night if he drinks, sleeping with an extra pillow (or on a wedge pillow), nose strips, etc. If he doesn’t care about your body and brain getting rest, then he doesn’t care about YOU.
Edit: To all the people saying “sleep apnea”, if he’s not stopping breathing in his sleep, then he doesn’t have sleep apnea. You can snore loud enough to wake the neighbors but as long as your breathing is continuous, you don’t have sleep apnea lol. Sleep apnea isn’t just ‘loud snoring’.
Move the boxes out of the second bedroom. My snoring husband has slept in the guest room for 2 almost 3 years now. It sucks so much but we both get sleep and it keeps the peace
I’m wondering, does your husband drink alcohol? It definitely increases snoring. My boyfriend recently quit drinking, and went from snoring super loud, to only occasionally snoring softly. Just another factor to consider among all the other suggestions here!
My husband snores like an animal when he lays on his back. I bought a sleeveless shirt, sewed in a tennis ball between the shoulders and voila! He doesn’t roll on his back anymore and therefore he doesn’t snore
IMO, your SO is being a little bitch about it. A good nights sleep is very important and he is robbing you of that. My husband was always very apologetic and really didn’t want to wake me up at night, always felt extremely bad the day after. He slept a few nights in the guest room when the snoring was too much. It’s something HE should get a solution for, because he is the problem. My husband came up with the shirt idea, otherwise he would’ve permanently gone to the guest room to give me some peace and I would’ve expected nothing less.
Mouth tape. It saved my marriage. He would get butthurt if I slept on the couch, and annoyed if I woke him up for keeping me up.
Clear out that bedroom for you and make it a peaceful sanctuary and go there to sleep. Perhaps lie with your husband for a little bit at night and then go off to your space so you can get your rest.
I start off with my husband and then I go into the guestroom. There is no way I’m going to compromise my sleep health. Especially since I have cancer.
When I have to sleep with him, like at a hotel, for example, I have a White Noise machine and also wear earbuds that completely seal off my ear that are connected to the White Noise app that has something called “red noise.“
The red noise drowns out everything!
I’m finally able to get a peaceful sleep, but I still refuse to sleep that way every single night with earbuds in my ear. I only do it when necessary.
You shouldn’t have to do that either and deserve proper sleep health so you may wake up, feeling restored and ready to take on the day. Also proper sleep keeps sickness away.
If he can sleep anywhere no matter what why can’t he sleep on the couch? I’m confused. To me this is clear cut, his snoring is his problem to fix and you absolutely should not have to be sleep deprived because of him or have to give up your bed.
It’s no good blaming him for his snoring, he can’t help it or stop it. The silent treatment is a bit immature but I can’t blame him for resenting you shouting at him. Has he gained weight? That’s often a cause. I started snoring after I broke my nose, so maybe an ENT opinion could be an idea. Allergies might also be a factor. Unfortunately, you might need to sort yourself out somewhere you can escape to for a decent sleep.
Separate beds has been sanity saving. We are about to try getting a split king adjustable bed to see if it helps by giving us each our preferred firmness level and allowing him to sleep slightly elevated. But, we’ve slept separately most of the last few years and have found we both sleep better that way.
My husband is a chronic snorer. He feels awful about it and never reacts badly when I wake him up or complain the next day. He done 2 sleep studies, which both came back clear, and his doctor has okayed his health otherwise, so we don’t really know what to do. I have already decided for our next home we’re going to have a spare bedroom for nights when I just can’t get him to stop. In the meantime, we have a noise machine and I wear earplugs if it’s bad enough.
At this point I know it’s not really his fault, and he understands that I deserve to sleep soundly as well. I think your partner is being a bit selfish tbh. Definitely move into the second bedroom. Or better yet, make him!
My partner and I sleep in separate rooms. He snores like a chainsaw in a metal bucket of nails. I wouldn’t sleep otherwise. It’s not fair to both parties if sleep isn’t happening. BUT, I also encouraged him to go get a sleep test done to check for apnea and the like. He found out he has a deviated septum, and has to go in for surgery to get it fixed. Snoring has an underlying cause, such as weight gain, sinus issues, apnea etc. and is worth investigating for health reasons on his part. If he’s unwilling to do so. A separate room for life then.
As a light sleeper who turns into a complete asshole when I don’t get sleep, this was our solution and everyone is happier for it.
Not a medical advice, but looks like he’ll need one of those CPAP machines to control the snoring. Persistent snoring is a symptom of sleep apnea, and you might want to have a sleep doctor check him out.
In the mean time, you really do need to make a space in the second bedroom. You’ll lose your health if you can’t get enough sleep. A lot of couple sleep in separate bedrooms if it helps to improve sleep, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Ask him to do a sleep test. Ignore your doctor who gave bad advice. That is a stupid “watch him sleep”. He is the expert who wants you to do his diagnose?
Years ago I snored too much, my wife was upset with it. I went to a doctor who listened, had a sleep test done, now use a CPAP and don’t snore.
There is a simple solution if he has sleep apnea.
Possible causes: allergies, enlarged tonsils, sleep apnea, excess fat.
Yes, yelling at him for snoring is bad. No, he can’t just “shut the fuck up”. It’s not like he snores on purpose. However, he should do everything he can to solve it.
Separate bedrooms, I will never go back to sharing a room.
My husband’s snoring got so much worse about 10 months into marriage. I realized it’s most likely a combo of alcohol (even a couple beers make him snore more) and weight gain. I asked him to drink less and lose weight, both of which he did. Guess who rarely snores now?
Have a look at mouth taping
Separate bedrooms, new doctor, sleep study.
My husband’s snoring would wake me up a lot, sometimes I’d go sleep on the couch and sometimes I’d get annoyed and wake him up to go to the couch. After a few weeks of that, he was able to get scheduled for a sleep test through our GP. They discovered he had severe sleep apnea and needed a CPAP machine. Since getting the machine, he sleeps better and doesn’t snore. If he does forget to put it on, his snoring wakes me up and I wake him to put it on. He has always been super apologetic when it happens, so your husband’s attitude confuses me. He’s the one interrupting your sleep?
I would bring up a sleep study. A lot of offices don’t require referrals, so he may be able to get scheduled by calling around. Until he figures it out, I would setup the second bedroom as your own bedroom. No need to be tortured by him.
Sleep separately. Or separate. Your health doesn’t seem to bother him too much.
My husband has sleep apnea and still snores with the mask on… but separate bedrooms are the only solution for us, sadly. I say sadly because it has created a barrier in some aspects and if we go away on holiday or whatever, I’m filled with sleep related dread.
Separate rooms. It’s the best.
Separate bedrooms. We spend too much of our life sleeping to get a poor night of it every single night.
My ex-bf’s snoring issue was a significant contributing factor to me ending the relationship. We lived in a soft loft condo where the walls only went up about 9′. Above that was about another 3′ of space, which meant that noise traveled easily from room to room. And wow, did noise travel. When the ex had more than a glass or two of wine, which was often, he snored a lot more than he usually did. His snoring was the buzz saw, wake the dead kind of snoring, and I couldn’t handle it. Night after night, I would head out to the living room in the middle of the night with a pillow and a comforter, and earplugs to sleep on the sofa – and cry myself to sleep. I had asked him over and over to do SOMETHING about the snoring, but he wouldn’t. It wasn’t even that he didn’t want to, he just…didn’t. He tried Breathe Right strips, but they didn’t work all the time, and he felt inconvenienced by having to wear something to sleep every night. I asked him point blank: do you like sleeping next to me? Do you like having me in bed next to you? He answered yes to both questions, but that sentiment didn’t not convert into action. It also didn’t even seem to bother him that I was spending most of my nights on the sofa.
This made me examine our relationship from a different point of view, and I began to see how much I wasn’t a real partner in the relationship, how things that were important to me weren’t to him, and that I was really awesome as long as I didn’t have any needs he didn’t want to deal with. He’s not a bad person, we just weren’t the right people for each other. OP, whatever you do, please know that what you are asking for is completely reasonable, and you deserve good sleep in your life.
Girl CPAP changed our life. Sleep study.
The second bedroom is right there, why did you need to write this whole post when you know the solution?
Idk why so many of yall go to bed every night expecting a different solution, start the night apart jfc
He needs to get a sleep study done and then get prescribed a cpap machine. I got one about a month ago and I no longer snore. Not only is it better for your sleep but his as well plus the health benefits for the both of you. Check out the r/CPAP sub
Separate bedrooms.
Dealt with this for years, and it worsened and came to a breaking point in the last 2 years when we had a baby.
I slept on the couch a lot because he was a baby about our couch not being long enough for him (it is). I told him if he didn’t make an appt with his GP for a sleep study I would purchase whatever top of the line, fold out sofa I wanted and make him move out of our bedroom at night. I gave him an ultimatum. The night before the deadline, I showed him the couch I’d picked and would order the next day. That drove him into high gear, haha. He made the appt, and did the overnight sleep study (which was totally fine, and he wore a small device at home – I again had to leave the bed due to this snoring, so hopefully it captured the right data).
We’re waiting now for the results. I’ve also talked with him about the benefits of treating his sleep apnoea, and how it could cut back on his nightmare and low quality sleep. We shall see if it all pans out.
p.s. We’re in a 2 bed condo in a very high cost of living city, so there is no guestroom for him/me to sleep in, our toddler is in the other room. It always irritates me when I come online for help and the number one tip is to “sleep in the guest room”.
This is actually really to solve. Get your husband to talk to his doctor for a sleep test. At home sleep test works fine. Then get a prescription for a CPAP. Order one and start using it and he won’t snore anymore! Tell him that untreated sleep apnea can cause a stroke.
Honestly I can relate to this so hard! My husband never used to be much of a snorer but it is so bad now. I honestly just kick him in the back when it gets too much and he usually rolls over. He is willing to go to the sofa if it’s keeping me awake though and he has offered to do that if it’s been a particularly bad night and I’ve not slept well.
I feel like you need to sit your partner down and explain how this is effecting you because right now he doesn’t sound like he’s caring much about your needs. I personally would feel so bad for my partner if I was keeping them awake!
There are things to try, nasal pegs, gum shield things, nasal sprays – the fact he’s not even willing to try is annoying. I would be tempted to move into another room if possible, he sounds a bit selfish!
100% two bedrooms. Otherwise your relationship is over … :/ maybe he has a deviated septum ??
Your husband needs a cpap. That loud snoring is a health condition not something he’s doing to annoy you.
Pulmonary consult for a sleep study to assess for a disorder & separate bedrooms
I have a bed in my office. I snore too so I just go there to sleep when either of us starts snoring.
My husband snored like this, and I kicked him out of the bedroom. I hadn’t had a solid night of sleep in months and it was ruining my life and causing flared of a neurological issue I have.
I was like you get a clinical sleep study done and get it addressed or we’re permanently sleep divorced. Turns out he has obstructive sleep apnea. His CPAP was a life saver.
Sleep apnea is actually super dangerous if it goes untreated. It’s associated with heart attacks.
Why can’t he sleep elsewhere when he is the one disturbing the peaceful sleep?
Also I can’t imagine that it’s not sleep apnea. (I am not a doctor.) Even without the stopping breathing, it doesn’t mean it’s not sleep apnea and I recommend he gets a consult with a sleep specialist.
Try a white noise machine/app. I moved in with my boyfriend six months ago and he snores like a freight train, but not all the time. A really loud air purifier saved our relationship.
I tried so many different earplugs and found ones that truly block out a lot. Then on top of that I have a white noise machine and husband wears mouthguard that adjusts his jaw forward so his throat stays more open (this helps a lot).
It’s a lot of measures and he still snores a bit most nights, but it’s a huge improvement. We also do have a second bedroom that we occasionally utilize.
I have the same problem and it drives me up the wall. The arrogance of being the one that causes the problem and just not giving a damm is mind boggling to me. My husband also gets all pissy when I sleep in another room, as if I do it to annoy him when I have to find somewhere else to sleep because he sounds like a chainsaw.
My husband virtually stopped snoring after losing about 20 lbs. He wasn’t even really overweight, but it made a difference.
I know many, many couples who keep separate bedrooms. Clear those boxes out!
My husband snores so much too. He got some kind of mouthguard that helps. It’s not 100% quiet but it’s a HUGE improvement, enough for me to be able to sleep.