My (27FtM) had taken my buddy (31M) on a Self Care trip after his wife (27F) had an early pregnancy loss.
My buddy was just a wreak when he told me about the loss and when I stopped by to check up on him after giving him a few days with his wife so they could have time together, I noticed how she was treating him poorly. I understand that after a loss like this people have different reactions and feel different towards their partners while grieving (I had a MC), but she was distancing herself in a way that felt toxic, e.g. berating him in front of me making the claim the loss was his fault.
This is where I went silent. I lead my friend to my car told him we were taking a trip and to wait there. He was compliant. I don’t know if it was from his wife or the loss, maybe both but he was so defeated. He needed to get away and focus on himself.
I went in to pack him a bag. A quick two day at most go bag. His wife kept trying to grab at me to stop me. Crying about how she needs him. Too late. In my mind at that moment she cast him aside. He also experienced a loss. He may not have physically went through the pain (a whole different kind of pain), but he did emotionally. He needed her too and she wasn’t his support system.
I told her to back down. That he needs space to grieve. She looked at me and laugh and told me something around the lines of, “You’re trans you will never understand the pain real women go through.”
At that point I said “Fuck this” and left. My buddy can borrow my clothes. I’ll buy him whatever he needs. I never liked his wife much. I did try to tolerate her for his sake.
So for Friday and Saturday we ignored his wife and went golfing and fishing. He talked to me about his loss and I listened. His wife thinks I am an asshole. She has since banned me from their home. Am I really the asshole though? Men need space to grieve too. She has her own support system. I was his.
Comments
NTA for supporting your friend. Grief affects everyone differently, and he needed that break. His wife is hurting too, but that doesn’t excuse how she treated him. You did the right thing by being there for him.
As a. Men who has lost 2 children to miscarriage, I wish I had a friend like you
Instead I had to suck up my pain and be the target for all the abuse, because how would I know what it feels like…..
NTA
YTA for staying silent instead of calling out her issues in front of your friend. Also, you basically kidnapped him and she could have reported you for that. You also guaranteed you will never be welcome in their home again and she may force him to choose her over your friendship as they navigate their relationship.
You’re not wrong for wanting to stand up for him and getting him out of the house and doing things he enjoys to deal with his grief but you about it in a pretty fucked up way. They clearly need grief counseling as a family and this could derail their relationship further.
NTA
You were exactly what your friend needed, including not backing down to his wife. You listened, cared and held space for him to grieve.
What she said about ‘real women’ was a horrible low blow. And you should admirable restraint walking out and not engaging
You are the asshole. You should not forcibly insert yourself into someone else’s relationship like that. It is not uncommon for there to be a lot of turmoil and chaos in a relationship after a devastating loss. It is a really ugly time for everyone involved. It requires extremely careful navigation and understanding.
If someone came into my home, and demanded that my spouse go on a vacation with them, while we were going through a very traumatic experience, someone would be getting arrested… probably me. If that was a member of the opposite sex, and my spouse went along with it, then it would undoubtedly lead to the end of our marriage as well.
Do you have feelings for this guy? I have never heard of a completely platonic friend “kidnapping” someone from their spouse just because they needed a “get away to focus on themselves.”
Oh please. YTA all the way. They are both grieving and it is not your place to insert yourself into their relationship. And if he went along with this trip over the weekend, he is YTA too.
NTA, thank you for being such a good friend, your friend really needs it with how the situation is at his home, he needs a break. i hope his wife can have the same support and I pray for the both of them to heal from this
YTA.
Your friend’s wife was only a few days after a miscarriage. Your friend as well. They needed to be together, to process their grief as a couple. A good friend wouldn’t get in the way of that, but rather encourage it – even if the wife, in her grief, was being unreasonable, that doesn’t give you an excuse to interfere in their marriage. As a good friend, the best thing you should do is support your friend and help him decide what HE wants and needs to do, and to offer a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. A trip away from his wife would not be good for either of them. The only place you should take him within a few days of a miscarriage is counselling, pref with his wife.
I also noticed that you didn’t discuss this with either the friend or the wife prior to arriving. You said you led your friend to the car and told him you’d be taking a trip – you didn’t even let him pack his bags to tell his wife himself. Him being “compliant” implies he isn’t exactly enthusiastic or making his own full choice – it should come from him, not you. Even if taking a trip within a few days of a miscarriage was a good idea (which it isn’t: There’s nothing “self care” about skipping out on your wife in a time of need), you would have to at least give them a few days to discuss it and mutually agree that he should go. Springing it on them like that isn’t fair, and only served to add tension to an already impossible situation.
The wife was rude, and if she really did imply that you are unable to sympathise with her because of your gender then I am sorry, that sounds very painful considering what you’ve gone through. But that doesn’t mean your conduct here has been acceptable, or in the best interest of your friend.
In your place, I would apologise to both the friend and the wife, and tell them you’ll be there to support them if and when they need you, and make good on that promise.
Best of luck.
he is so lucky to have a male friend like you. thank you for suppling the emotional support that he needed. we all deal with loss in different ways but being cruel to your partner is not ok. we all need a break sometimes so we can heal our own wounds
YTA you have no idea what goes on in their relationship, and maybe she was pissed at him because you were there just after she had been through something traumatic. Mind your business.
YTA. Not your place.
It sounds like you’re a good friend and very caring however I don’t think I would get quite so involved.