A friend of mine, who for years had been 100% reliable, always had my back, whose word could be trusted, let me down recently, and I have been accused of being unreasonable in my attitude. I was also accused of letting money change me as a person, talking s*** about her behind her back, taking sides between her and another person, and I’m sure a number of other things I’m not even aware of.
For several years, I have been friends with this person and her significant other. She was my best friend, but he was also a good friend as well. He works as a handyman, and has been doing some work on my house in his off hours. They have a young child who is at the end of a three year long journey with leukemia. For starters, she apparently has literally started war with him, because of their personal problems as a couple. She also seems to be expecting everyone they know to take her side in this argument that is not the concern of anyone other than the two of them, and something only they can work out between themselves.
A while back, I helped both of them out financially, but separately, what each of them owes me is on an individual basis – in other words there is an amount he owes, and there is a separate amount that she owes. He has been repaying his part, he and I are still on good terms, and like always my friendship with him is separate from my friendship with her. To explain the situation a little better, they share a child, they are sort of together, but live separately.
She seems to expect as loyalty to her for her friends and family to treat him like a subhuman creature. I don’t take sides in other people‘s issues., and I won’t have anybody telling me how to treat another person, because it just isn’t right.
Meanwhile, she owes me over $2000 and refuses to pay me back, refuses to even speak with me, etc. Because I won’t do as she asks, and take her side in her problem with her relationship. Back in February, she insisted that I do her taxes and was expecting a large enough refund to pay me back. In the past, she would have done so. But this year she did not pay me for doing the tax return. (I am an accountant.) as well as refusing to pay me the money. She owed me when she got her refund. Came back at me with I can’t believe you’re stressing me over money when you know I don’t even have a home. My feeling was whose fault is that?????
I am essentially being accused of being a total and complete asshole, among a few other less complementary things! So tell me am I really being an asshole by taking up for myself and expecting a person to do what they said they were going to do????
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A friend of mine, who for years had been 100% reliable, always had my back, whose word could be trusted, let me down recently, and I have been accused of being unreasonable in my attitude. I was also accused of letting money change me as a person, talking s*** about her behind her back, taking sides between her and another person, and I’m sure a number of other things I’m not even aware of.
For several years, I have been friends with this person and her significant other. She was my best friend, but he was also a good friend as well. He works as a handyman, and has been doing some work on my house in his off hours. They have a young child who is at the end of a three year long journey with leukemia. For starters, she apparently has literally started war with him, because of their personal problems as a couple. She also seems to be expecting everyone they know to take her side in this argument that is not the concern of anyone other than the two of them, and something only they can work out between themselves.
A while back, I helped both of them out financially, but separately, what each of them owes me is on an individual basis – in other words there is an amount he owes, and there is a separate amount that she owes. He has been repaying his part, he and I are still on good terms, and like always my friendship with him is separate from my friendship with her. To explain the situation a little better, they share a child, they are sort of together, but live separately.
She seems to expect as loyalty to her for her friends and family to treat him like a subhuman creature. I don’t take sides in other people‘s issues., and I won’t have anybody telling me how to treat another person, because it just isn’t right.
Meanwhile, she owes me over $2000 and refuses to pay me back, refuses to even speak with me, etc. Because I won’t do as she asks, and take her side in her problem with her relationship. Back in February, she insisted that I do her taxes and was expecting a large enough refund to pay me back. In the past, she would have done so. But this year she did not pay me for doing the tax return. (I am an accountant.) as well as refusing to pay me the money. She owed me when she got her refund. Came back at me with I can’t believe you’re stressing me over money when you know I don’t even have a home. My feeling was whose fault is that?????
I am essentially being accused of being a total and complete asshole, among a few other less complementary things! So tell me am I really being an asshole by taking up for myself and expecting a person to do what they said they were going to do????
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did two things that might make me the asshole: refused to take her side against the other friend. The other thing I did was contact her demanding my money back when she got her tax refund without considering her overall living situation not being good.
I am asking if it is asshole behavior to take up for myself without considering the other person’s position .
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
from the information given , it seems as though you aren’t treating either friend different, which seems fair. Depending on how you “demanded” the money, you might have a light YTA but I can’t see anything to prove that in the current post. Due to the amount of money she owes you, I can see why you would be antsy. I don’t think you have any responsibility to take a side in any arguments that don’t concern you, and you have a right to be paid back what you are owed
It doesn’t sound like she intends to pay you back so I would proceed with this relationship with the assumption that you are unlikely to see that money again unless you take legal action. NTA.
NTA, but I wouldn’t be doing her tax returns again.
Plus, if she really wanted you to take sides, she’s going the right way about making you pick a side. Just not the way she imagines…
NTA. That is not a friend. I would go absolutely NC with her. She’s holding your money over your head.Do you usually let people treat you like that? Forget about the money, she has no intentio of paying you back.
NTA – But I think it is reasonable to point out your portion of responsibility in the situation. As an accountant (you stated) you have no doubt seen several financial situations in which someone has lent money to a friend or family member and the problems that can arise.
At $2,000 if you take legal action it would be small claims court and a judgement that may or may not be repaid unless you take it a step further to garnishment. As an accountant – depending upon state laws you do have a right to be paid for the tax return work and should be able to collect that directly from the filing.
Simply put, if lending money to a friend or family member please don’t even consider it a loan (in your own mind). You can have them sign a promissory note and all the collateral documents you want. But in your own mind don’t lend more than you are willing to lose or never see again.
NTA, with the information given no matter how close of a friend you are with her, she still needs to pay her debt to you. no matter how small or big the amount is, it is her responsibily to pay
Don’t give people money with the expectation of getting it back. You’re not a bank.