My husband (33, M) & I (33, M) are expecting our first child in August. It is his dad and step mother’s first grandchild and they are very involved with us, we see them often. Not to mention, he is his dad’s only child. We recently started planning our co-ed baby shower for late May, early June. I’m a high school counselor so I want to do it before graduation.
Anyways, there is a brewery we both wanted to host the baby shower at and we began contacting them last week for available days/times and the earliest they could offer was June 14th. I immediately told my stepmother-in-law the date (she’s offered to help plan so I wanted to let her know as soon as I knew) and her response was “we have a vintage motocross race that day so won’t be able to make it.” My father-in-law races vintage motocross and that weekend is one of the 6 dates he is racing starting in may. I was honestly taken back by their responses, there wasn’t even a consideration of missing the race. Her response was “it might rain, so in which case we could make it.” It is quite literally 2 1/2 months away. When I mentioned this to my husband, he immediately shut down. I am so upset at the situation and more sad for him. It feels like his parents are choosing the race over their first grandchild’s baby shower. But on the other hand, is it a big deal to miss a baby shower? I feel really conflicted about it.. so I guess I just want to know am the I the asshole for being so mad at their insistence on missing the baby shower?
Edit: We are moving forward with another date and our initial date was an off weekend from racing but the brewery wasn’t available so we just went with the next date. They are important enough for us to be there and I was more hoping for validation of that it was okay for me to feel upset. I’m also not planning the shower, just booking the venue to cover the deposit costs before everyone else takes over.
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Backup of the post’s body: My husband (33, M) & I (33, M) are expecting our first child in August. It is his dad and step mother’s first grandchild and they are very involved with us, we see them often. Not to mention, he is his dad’s only child. We recently started planning our co-ed baby shower for late May, early June. I’m a high school counselor so I want to do it before graduation.
Anyways, there is a brewery we both wanted to host the baby shower at and we began contacting them last week for available days/times and the earliest they could offer was June 14th. I immediately told my stepmother-in-law the date (she’s offered to help plan so I wanted to let her know as soon as I knew) and her response was “we have a vintage motocross race that day so won’t be able to make it.” My father-in-law races vintage motocross and that weekend is one of the 6 dates he is racing starting in may. I was honestly taken back by their responses, there wasn’t even a consideration of missing the race. Her response was “it might rain, so in which case we could make it.” It is quite literally 2 1/2 months away. When I mentioned this to my husband, he immediately shut down. I am so mad at the situation and more sad for him. It feels like his parents are choosing the race over their first grandchild’s baby shower. But on the other hand, is it a big deal to miss a baby shower? I feel really conflicted about it.. so I guess I just want to know am the I the asshole for being so mad at their insistence on missing the baby shower?
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The question is, are you expecting everyone that’s going to be invited to actually be there? If people have already scheduled that particular day for other events or other things, and it may be things they cannot break from to come to the baby shower, you can’t hold that against them. Are there any other alternate dates that you can come up with to have this baby shower. Usually it’s not the mother of the child that throws the baby shower but more her friends family or other people that she knows would be throwing the baby shower. It’s just a thought.
You should find a different location that has the dates available. That’s very clearly the right thing to do.
I really don’t think it’s a big deal that they miss the shower. It’s not as important as say babies first birthday. My brother didn’t even come to my shower. I was a little disappointed but it honestly didn’t matter. I was only able to chat with people for about 1 min each anyways because there was so much going on.
If you know about your FIL’s hobby why didn’t you give them a heads up on dates?
Then either he could have decided to skip a race prior to signing up or you could have taken the races into consideration.
It just seems to me that a little communication up front can avoid hurt feelings in the end.
They had their schedule already. If they were important to you to be there, why didn’t you ask if they had any dates that wouldn’t be good? I have planned many baby & wedding showers and the first thing was always do compare the parents/couples calendar with their parents.
YTA. You can do the baby shower any time. Their race days are fixed. Surely it would be simple to organise a date that suits everyone.
YTA
“Choosing the race over their first grandchild’s baby shower”
Oh good grief. The baby shower is for YOU not their grandchild. Sounds like they’ve helped you both plenty already and are very excited about the grandchild itself, but baby showers have nothing to do with the actual baby.
Couldn’t you have made it any other weekend? It’s not like they planned this after you told them.
If you really want them there, then perhaps find another date?
They’ve got plans that day.
Also, the baby isn’t born yet so it’s not “their first grandchild’s” anything.
Find a new date.
I mean, are you upset like legit angry? Or are you upset like disappointed?
It’s normal to be disappointed, sure.
But if you’re actually angry, that’s taking it a bit too far, IMO
That’s some audacity you have, throwing your own baby shower. In regard to your in laws, they have a life. Is the venue the most important thing to you, or having them there? If it’s the latter, work with their schedule. Otherwise, blow it off and enjoy it without them.
a shower is an event where people give you gifts? that’s the purpose of it? Its basically a fundraising event
They aren’t available – plain and simple. This isn’t a them problem, this is a you problem. If you want them there then schedule it for a day they’re available.
They aren’t choosing a race over the baby shower, you’re choosing to have a baby shower when they can’t attend. You have all the power here to make it be a day they’re available, so if it’s THAT day and they don’t attend that’s on you entirely. Yta
I think securing a date within the family members that you expect to attend is the first step, finding a venue that has an availability on that date is the second step. When planning an event like this, you need to be flexible on at least something—either the location, the date, or the people who can attend.
Did you consult with your family members on any particular date prior to looking at venues?
It is possible that since this is the early stages of you planning something your step MIL assumed letting you know they have a conflict for that day would be enough to get you to look for another date/venue. That being said—with the caveat that I know absolutely nothing about vintage motocross racing—I’d be annoyed if my husband’s parents didn’t come to our baby shower if I were close with them.
NAH. You are just now planning this, it makes sense to ask the people you really want there if they’re available on that date. Nothing is set in stone.
To me, if it’s an important occasion like wedding or baby shower, I always check whether the date works for the people who matter prior to booking it.
Would it be nice for them to miss the race and go to the baby shower? Absolutely. But is it unreasonable for them to hope you pick a different date so they don’t have to miss a previously set event? Not really.
When my parents had me, they thought it was a grift to make ppl show up twice for your occasion and to make
Them bring gifts twice. Since they already gave them a marriage gift, and marriage used to mean kids in the 90”s so a baby shower was basically
Doubling dipping. What are the parents missing watching you open baby clothes?? Couldn’t this be handled by going to a baby store and letting your mother in law watch you browse?
Your feelings are your feelings, I don’t think you need to turn to others to validate them. People are not always going to respond to you the way you would like, nor are they obligated to and as a grownup, you need to work through how that makes you feel yourself. It doesn’t sound like they were rude or unkind.