I (29F) am getting married this year and recently had to remove a friend (29F) from my bridal party after a series of ongoing issues. We’ve been friends for about 4 years, and while this wasn’t an easy decision, it was something my fiancé (29M) and I felt was necessary after a pattern of boundary crossing and emotional exhaustion.
For a while now, the friendship has felt really one-sided—she constantly vents about work, family, and personal drama, and it became less about mutual support and more about my fiancé and me being her emotional safety net. We’d tried to set boundaries before, but they were usually brushed off.
The breaking point was my bachelorette party. She got blackout drunk, called my brother (who she barely knows), and vented for an hour—including threatening self-harm. My brother had just finished a mental health program, so this was incredibly inappropriate. She also pulled my sister aside during the night to comfort her, taking her away from the party I had planned. Both of my siblings were left uncomfortable.
This wasn’t a one-time thing. There were other moments where she:
• Shared private info about my dad’s health without asking.
• Tried to change rehearsal dinner plans without talking to me.
• Spoiled a surprise my parents planned at my engagement.
After the bachelorette, my fiancé and I agreed we needed to remove her from the bridal party and set firmer boundaries around the friendship. I had originally said I’d talk to her in person, but when it came down to it, I realized I wasn’t emotionally in a place to handle that. I knew if we met face-to-face, I’d either soften what needed to be said or get pulled into a defensive conversation where nothing productive would happen.
So instead, we spent a lot of time carefully writing a thoughtful message—making it clear that we know she’s a good person and that this wasn’t about who she is, but about repeated actions and their impact. I explained she’d still be invited to the wedding as a guest, but that we couldn’t keep being her outlet for everything. It was about setting a clear boundary in the healthiest way we knew how.
She responded saying she was hurt—not just by what I said, but specifically that I sent it over text instead of talking in person like I’d originally said I would. She felt like it was impersonal and “cold,” and now she’s asked that all communication go through my fiancé. She also said I was attacking her personality, which I really tried to avoid by being as thoughtful as possible.
Most people around me think I’ve already been more patient than necessary and that I handled it the best way I could. But I still feel a little guilty for not following through on the in-person conversation, even though I know texting was the only way I’d be able to communicate clearly and avoid unnecessary drama.
So, AITA for sending a message instead of having a difficult conversation in person like I originally said I would?
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I (29F) am getting married this year and recently had to remove a friend (29F) from my bridal party after a series of ongoing issues. We’ve been friends for about 4 years, and while this wasn’t an easy decision, it was something my fiancé (29M) and I felt was necessary after a pattern of boundary crossing and emotional exhaustion.
For a while now, the friendship has felt really one-sided—she constantly vents about work, family, and personal drama, and it became less about mutual support and more about my fiancé and me being her emotional safety net. We’d tried to set boundaries before, but they were usually brushed off.
The breaking point was my bachelorette party. She got blackout drunk, called my brother (who she barely knows), and vented for an hour—including threatening self-harm. My brother had just finished a mental health program, so this was incredibly inappropriate. She also pulled my sister aside during the night to comfort her, taking her away from the party I had planned. Both of my siblings were left uncomfortable.
This wasn’t a one-time thing. There were other moments where she:
• Shared private info about my dad’s health without asking.
• Tried to change rehearsal dinner plans without talking to me.
• Spoiled a surprise my parents planned at my engagement.
After the bachelorette, my fiancé and I agreed we needed to remove her from the bridal party and set firmer boundaries around the friendship. I had originally said I’d talk to her in person, but when it came down to it, I realized I wasn’t emotionally in a place to handle that. I knew if we met face-to-face, I’d either soften what needed to be said or get pulled into a defensive conversation where nothing productive would happen.
So instead, we spent a lot of time carefully writing a thoughtful message—making it clear that we know she’s a good person and that this wasn’t about who she is, but about repeated actions and their impact. I explained she’d still be invited to the wedding as a guest, but that we couldn’t keep being her outlet for everything. It was about setting a clear boundary in the healthiest way we knew how.
She responded saying she was hurt—not just by what I said, but specifically that I sent it over text instead of talking in person like I’d originally said I would. She felt like it was impersonal and “cold,” and now she’s asked that all communication go through my fiancé. She also said I was attacking her personality, which I really tried to avoid by being as thoughtful as possible.
Most people around me think I’ve already been more patient than necessary and that I handled it the best way I could. But I still feel a little guilty for not following through on the in-person conversation, even though I know texting was the only way I’d be able to communicate clearly and avoid unnecessary drama.
So, AITA for sending a message instead of having a difficult conversation in person like I originally said I would?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.