Okay so I know the title sounds ungrateful but I need to know if I’m in the wrong for this.
My birthday is coming up and I told my boyfriend several times that I wanted him to plan a birthday party for me. He kept asking what I wanted to do and I kept telling him I wanted him to plan something special because I don’t really enjoy having to plan everything out.
Now, some backstory, every year toward the end of spring/early summer he hosts a specific themed party for his friends. I like that theme so he asked me if it was okay if he picked that theme for my birthday. I said no the first time he asked but he kept asking and telling me that was the only weekend he could do the annual party so after being asked 3 or 4 more times I said yes.
He has now invited all of his friends, some of whom I don’t or barely know. I will admit some of them have become my friends too though. I invited only one of my own friends because I know the others would not play well with some of his friends and I really don’t want to play peacekeeper on my own birthday.
I asked if I could at least pick the playlist and have him back me up because I know his friends don’t like the same music I do. He said I could but he wouldn’t stop any comments from his friends.
A couple weekends ago we were hanging out with some of his friends and the ones I like were there too. I mentioned my birthday party was coming up and they said “no that’s just his annual party??” And NO ONE knew it was supposed to be my birthday party.
He mentioned that I have to compromise certain things because apparently some of his friends have paid into help with the party too so I have to let him do things their way.
After learning this I told him I wanted to do something separately the day before and that I NEVER want the annual party to double up with my birthday again. All he said was that I agreed to it so I can’t be upset.
I’m feeling very sidelined for what is supposed to be my special day. My family wasn’t ever big on birthdays and I stopped having parties when I was about 10 or so. I NEVER ask for stuff like this, I NEVER want to be the center of attention.. but this year I felt like I deserved it after some big career and life changes. Now I regret the whole thing and want to just never celebrate my birthday again.
I feel like maybe I am the AH because I DID agree to it and I DID already know about him annually having this party but I just thought he would put more effort into making it special for me and differentiating from what he always does.
Lastly, before everyone jumps on the breakup bandwagon- I’m not going to break up with someone over a birthday party. I love him and day to day he is amazing. He just doesn’t always see things the same as I do and he’s a much less emotional person overall (we both think he’s on the spectrum but he’s never been tested and doesn’t want to) so I think maybe he just doesn’t understand that it hurts my feelings.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Okay so I know the title sounds ungrateful but I need to know if I’m in the wrong for this.
My birthday is coming up and I told my boyfriend several times that I wanted him to plan a birthday party for me. He kept asking what I wanted to do and I kept telling him I wanted him to plan something special because I don’t really enjoy having to plan everything out.
Now, some backstory, every year toward the end of spring/early summer he hosts a specific themed party for his friends. I like that theme so he asked me if it was okay if he picked that theme for my birthday. I said no the first time he asked but he kept asking and telling me that was the only weekend he could do the annual party so after being asked 3 or 4 more times I said yes.
He has now invited all of his friends, some of whom I don’t or barely know. I will admit some of them have become my friends too though. I invited only one of my own friends because I know the others would not play well with some of his friends and I really don’t want to play peacekeeper on my own birthday.
I asked if I could at least pick the playlist and have him back me up because I know his friends don’t like the same music I do. He said I could but he wouldn’t stop any comments from his friends.
A couple weekends ago we were hanging out with some of his friends and the ones I like were there too. I mentioned my birthday party was coming up and they said “no that’s just his annual party??” And NO ONE knew it was supposed to be my birthday party.
He mentioned that I have to compromise certain things because apparently some of his friends have paid into help with the party too so I have to let him do things their way.
After learning this I told him I wanted to do something separately the day before and that I NEVER want the annual party to double up with my birthday again. All he said was that I agreed to it so I can’t be upset.
I’m feeling very sidelined for what is supposed to be my special day. My family wasn’t ever big on birthdays and I stopped having parties when I was about 10 or so. I NEVER ask for stuff like this, I NEVER want to be the center of attention.. but this year I felt like I deserved it after some big career and life changes. Now I regret the whole thing and want to just never celebrate my birthday again.
I feel like maybe I am the AH because I DID agree to it and I DID already know about him annually having this party but I just thought he would put more effort into making it special for me and differentiating from what he always does.
Lastly, before everyone jumps on the breakup bandwagon- I’m not going to break up with someone over a birthday party. I love him and day to day he is amazing. He just doesn’t always see things the same as I do and he’s a much less emotional person overall (we both think he’s on the spectrum but he’s never been tested and doesn’t want to) so I think maybe he just doesn’t understand that it hurts my feelings.
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I mean he didn’t hold up his end of the bargain, since this party clearly isn’t for you or about you in any way. Tell him you understand that the timing was rough and that he can host the party as promised the next week, and that you trust him to not let you down again.
You didn’t get a birthday party — you got a rebranded annual frat party with your name slapped on it like a clearance sticker. He heard ‘plan something special’ and thought ‘how do I make this about me as efficiently as possible?
Lol he understands that he hurts your feelings he just doesn’t care. Nta
Take some friends and go on a girls weekend when he has his party.
I don’t know what you want to hear. Your bf is inconsiderate and seems more into catering to his friend’s needs. Does he do anything special just for you? Anniversaries, Christmas/NY, etc?
Nta. Happy birthday. You should plan a day (or a weekend) just for yourself. Get a make over. Spa treatment. New shoes. Go to a fancy restaurant. Maybe he’ll get the hint
You picked your poison. Gotta live with the aftereffects. Glad I’m not dating him.
Why point out all the red flags about a man who doesn’t really love or respect you and then say I’m not gonna break up with him so don’t mention it?! So don’t ask for advice then and continue with someone who takes you for granted because that is clear from what you wrote. It seems to me that he will continue to not do special things for you and you will continue to accept less than bare minimum effort.
every single time a woman comes onto to reddit with a story about her shit boyfriend, some men always come in to blame her for choosing him
every single time a man comes onto reddit with a story about his shit girlfriend, some men always bring up “if the roles were reversed” but never blames him for his choices
Nta, buuuuuuuuut. Girl, you already know. So keep staying, keep being unappreciated. That’s on you, Sis.
If this is real I feel sorry for you.
NTA Go out with your friends and celebrate you, forget your bf and his friends make it a getaway weekend
NTA don’t go to the party. Plan something with your friends or even by yourself that you want to do and do that instead. If he refuses to make you a priority on your birthday then you need to prioritize yourself. Happy birthday also your boyfriend sucks.
I think it’s pretty telling that your boyfriend didn’t even invite your friends. He didn’t plan you a birthday party at all. You and he should stop claiming that he did. You told him you didn’t want to do the combined birthday party and he refused to prioritize planning you a birthday, forcing the situation. That’s not the same as you saying it was OK at all. I hope he’s extremely thoughtful and supportive of you in many other instances that this post just doesn’t cover. Because based on this he seems very selfish
What birthday party? He obviously didn’t plan anything for you. Being a less emotional person or on the spectrum isn’t an excuse to repeatedly drop the ball when you’re being communicative and say he doesn’t care when your feelings are hurt because his actions. I’m both of those things and I know it, so I go out of my way to confirm how my partner is feeling and change my behaviors as needed. If he wanted to, he would
You tried to push him to do something he didn’t want to do. Since his friends subsidize his annual event, it seems like a spectacularly bad idea to try to make it into your birthday party.
Do something else. Have a lovely dinner out at an amazing restaurant, or go somewhere for a day trip where you’ve never been.
You’re setting yourself up for failure with your current plan.
ESH
NTA. You seem to be in serious denial about how little he cares for you. This is not the behavior of someone who wants to make you happy. This is a jerk who bamboozled you into agreeing to something you don’t want. You’re feeling this way for a reason. He’s not amazing.
I am always mildly surprised at the importance and expectations people place on birthdays. I find it feels a little entitled
You are supposed to be an adult.
Act like one.
You want a party, GREAT.
Plan and pay for your own birthday party.
You know he has this annual party and yet you want him to plan and execute a birthday party for you as well as his planned annual party.
Kinda self-centered, in my opinion.
And wanting to have only your playlist for music is also self-centered and self-absorbed.
You want a party you should plan and pay for it on a different weekend.
YTA. Be happy your name was added to something he cared about. Zip the lip and never suggest he did other than what you love, enjoy, embrace and allow. You get what you chose. Enjoy.
He UNDERSTANDS. He just DOESN’T CARE!!
OP you need to face the fact that he used your birthday as an excuse to have his Annual Party. He has no intention of this being ANYTHING BUT his Annual Party. You’ll be lucky if they even sing Happy Birthday. Don’t hold your breath!
You agreed to have the party be his annual thing and yours. If he can provide a detailed list of how the party could possibly be perceived as yours also in any way that requires effort or planning from him (so your attendance can’t be the only thing that counts) then maybe he can bitch and moan.
But nuh uh. This is not what you agreed to. And if he’s gonna try to trump your feelings based on a “wah, but you said I could” that’s just gross.
Stop feeling bad, your instincts are almost entirely right – you’re just missing the little voice in your head telling you this guy is not who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Respectfully, fuck your boyfriend. Dude is an asshole. You should have a get together with your friends instead, make sure it lasts all day too, completely miss his stupid ass party. He’ll have a fun time explaining to EVERYONE why his girlfriend ditched him.
NTA. He took the lazy way out by telling you it’s your birthday party when really it’s just the annual party he was going to throw anyway. He doesn’t want to bother doing anything special just for you. And by calling it your party even though it really isn’t, he thinks he gets to call you ungrateful. That’s a real asshole move. It’s not ungrateful to be upset that he’s not really doing what he said he’d do.
Some men aren’t that in tune with birthdays
While I understand why you don’t feel special, unfortunately it’s unfair to become irritated/annoyed by someone for not meeting your expectations, when you failed to provide any feedback of your expectations on what = special to you…
“He kept asking what I wanted to do and I kept telling him I wanted him to plan something special because I don’t really enjoy having to plan everything out”
He asked for your input and obvsly was struggling to come up w/an idea, leading to the silly idea abt combining the 2 parties, despite knowing your friends wouldn’t be comfortable & his friends would take priority- you failed to even attempt to have 2 separate events or communicate your wants with him. Communication is key in relationships, yes he could’ve made different choices but we can’t control others, only ourselves. Focus on yourself and make yourself a priority in your relationship- you decide that, sha!
NTA. Make a plan with your own friends for your bday and let him go to the party.
I know you say he’s amazing. But he literally does not care about your feelings. If he did, none of this would have happened. He’s just selfish. He’s having his party like usual. You just happen to have a bday that day, which is convenient for him bc then he can put exactly zero effort for you.
How many times has he dismissed you or been rude to you, and used the excuse “he’s on the spectrum?” Frankly, that’s a cop-out for bad behavior and insulting to people who actually are “on the spectrum.”
“Lastly, before everyone jumps on the breakup bandwagon- I’m not going to break up with someone over a birthday party. I love him and day to day he is amazing. He just doesn’t always see things the same as I do and he’s a much less emotional person overall “
Then why complain?
If hes so amazing then why not let it go and stay with your amazing man who doesnt care about you, so much that hes throwing his normal party and telling you it’s also your birthday party even though he’ll let his friends attack your music and you can only have one friend and nothing at the party will show that it’s your birthday and his friends didnt even know it’s for your birthday
He doesn’t like you. This is how people like this demonstrate that. Been there. Done it. Clung to it as long as I could. Ditch the party and go make memories with your friends.
That’s not your birthday party. He’s being disingenuous.
You are not a princess. Stop tasking your boyfriend with throwing you a party. He is not your mom, you are not 10 years old. God you sound annoying.
NTA and he planned nothing. You can’t even have your music selection. None of his friends who this party is really for btw even knew it was your birthday. He probably didn’t even have a cake ordered. He can’t plan anything for you but can handstands every year for the party for his buddies.
So it’s not your birthday party. His friends already made it clear. Dont attend his party and just do a night out with your own set of friends.
Why do we settle for men who treat us like an unimportant afterthought?? You’re not married, tell him he can step up or you will move on.