I turned 19 today. I still don’t know what to type or how to say all this, but I got the news that my mother passed away today.
Recently, I moved to an entirely new state for college. Ever since the age of 10, I have struggled with making friends — it’s not like people don’t talk to me, it’s just that they only talk when they need favors, like notes or help. I have tried forming close friendships, but for some reason, I have always been treated as if I’m not part of the group.
I have struggled with my gender identity and sexual orientation growing up too.
Last year, I got into a good college after giving one of the toughest exams in the country. I had hoped that I would interact with people and try my best to change myself. Unfortunately, college was even worse than my school days. There was a hell of a lot of groupism from the start — based on what language you spoke. There were two majority languages — and unfortunately, I spoke neither. Even though I tried, I was alienated from day one.
I now had no real people to talk to in college; just a few people who spoke to me only when they needed notes or help.
At that time, the only thing that kept me sane was talking to my mother. She had always been there for me and never judged me for struggling with all this.
Every day, I talked to her for hours and shared every single thing with her.
I have been suicidal for the past 3–4 years, but the only reason I never did anything was because of her.
I don’t have a good relationship with my dad. He abused me physically and mentally while I was growing up. Even though now he has realized the error of his ways — and I would say he knows he was wrong — the trauma he gave me is too much.
Every year, I used to celebrate my birthday with my mother only (as I didn’t really have any other close people). I would get a text from 2–3 ‘friends,’ so things still felt somewhat okay.
This year, in college, we have a group chat made specially just to wish birthdays — but no one cared to wish me.
I even jokingly told some people the day before that it was my birthday, hoping they would write something in the group — but no one did.
Yes, I know that’s embarrassing, but I was that desperate. I wanted my college birthday to be better.
What’s worse is that one of them, whom I had told it was my birthday, texted me — but only to ask for notes.
I wished he had just written two words — just two words: Happy Birthday.
I was waiting for my mother to call and wish me at midnight, but surprisingly, she didn’t.
I thought maybe she had fallen asleep since she had to work early.
Even though I was disappointed, I reassured myself because I knew she was the only one who was going to wish me today.
Waking up in the morning, my dad informed me that my mother had passed away in her sleep (due to natural causes).
I couldn’t believe anything.
I am still not able to process everything.
But I know one thing — the person I lived for these past years is no longer here.
And today, in a few hours:
I will go out for the last time, take a round of my campus (my campus is extremely beautiful, and one of the other reasons I stayed sane),
and then I will come back to my room — and, hopefully, I will join her too in the afterlife today itself. ❤️
Comments
I know it feels like you can’t keep going forward and I’m so sorry for your loss… but what as a mom, that would break my heart to have my child join me.
I think you still have purpose, even if you can’t see it right now. Live life to the fullest for your mama, I’m betting she’d want that.
There’s a beautiful song Birthday Cake by Dylan Conrique that you should listen to because “I’d bet she’d want you to live like the world’s on fire”
I may not know you, but I hope you stay.
I am so very sorry for your loss 😢
Please don’t do that. I don’t think your mother would want that for you. She wants you to go on. It just takes one person to change things in your life. Your best friend could be right around the corner. You have so much life to live. Life changes moment to moment. This won’t be how things are forever. I promise.
Hi OP,
I want to say first that I am so incredibly sorry that you are currently experiencing the loss of your mother. It is evident in how you speak of her how much she meant to you and the ways she cared for you when you, especially while going through hard times in college.
Secondly, do not hurt yourself. You admit to be experiencing suicidal ideation, and as an online person caring for your wellbeing and a health care worker, I need to tell you SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER.
Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary stage of life and context of emotions. Please do not
I feel your mother was/is incredibly proud of you. Do this life for her. Carry her spirit on. Celebrate her life at her funeral. Be her alive in the world.
Message me please if you need to talk 1:1 further. I am sending so much love. You can find your group and people away from the cliques of college. I did ❤️
I promise you life has more beautiful things than death. I am truly sorry for your loss and I hope you find strength to overcome the grief you’re experiencing. Give yourself another chance
your momma would want you to go on and honor all of the lessons she’s taught you! i’m so sorry for your loss and sorry that college is so lonely for you right now. sending love and peace to you ❤️❤️
So sorry
I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️
I’m sorry for your loss. But please stay. I would want my daughter to live. Just live. Every moment is so Precious and now your mother lives within you. Hold her close, Grieve, But please stay. Happy Birthday. I hope you are okay. 🩷💜
Happy birthday i’m sure you mother is very proud of you!! Never give up i’m sure something beautiful is waiting for you here ❤️
No. No you won’t. She would be furious with you. Grieve grieve grieve but do not give up. You are still a child- she loved you so much. It will break her heart to see you too soon. Grief hurts, it physically hurts sometimes; but you will keep going because that’s what she’d want. You belong here, you just aren’t around the right people.
Hey if you see this, I understand how you feel. I lost my mother at 19yo as well. It was so hard losing her so soon. She fought for years, but cancer took her from me. I thought the same; the person I was living for it gone, and I wanted to so badly join her. But it’s not what she would have wanted. I’m now 28yo. I still miss her dearly, but I know she is proud of how far I’ve come. I still struggle to this day with the loss of her, and I still think about the “what if’s”; I didn’t see her before she passed away. I turned down going to the hospital the night she passed and I deeply regretted it. I miss her, and I wish she was still around because I am struggling like hell and I don’t think anyone understands me anymore. But I’m still here, and I’m trying my best to push through. It may be hard, but you can do it too. If you need someone to vent to, to talk to, to help get through the day even just a little bit, then reach out. I didn’t have many to talk to irl, but there’s millions of people online that will support you. Don’t join your mother; she wouldn’t want that. Not yet.
Your mother would not want that for you! It sounds like you have a great relationship with her and that would be the last thing a mother wants for their child. You are loved you just haven’t met your group yet! You will I can promise you that. Life is a precious thing! Use this to raise above and show your mother all you can and will do with your life. You are enough
I’m so very sorry for your loss especially at such a day like this. A day when you needed her the most. But she’s still with you. I hope you heal with time. I’m so sorry for this, but please please please don’t give up. I’m sure she’d want you to fight for her, to live for her and most importantly yourself. Happy birthday.
Darling, please call or text 988. There are people at the suicide hotline who are trained to listen and help — it’s not about judging you, it’s about helping you get through this moment. I really think it could help to call them, even if it’s just to talk for a few minutes.
Please reach out to someone on campus or take yourself to a hospital.
I PROMISE these are the hardest years and it does get better. Losing a parent is so, so painful but your mother would want you to be alive and embrace this world with everything in you. I know because I’m a mother. You are loved and we are all rooting for you. Feel free to message me. My spouse is a therapist if you need to talk.
I’m a mama and I’m here if you wanna talk to anyone. Feel free to DM. And happy birthday! I know you’re understandably not in a celebratory mood, but this stranger over here is glad you were born, proud you made it this far, and sure your mama would want to see you live ❤️ sending you hugs and support from afar.
Oh no. This is a lot to go through alone. Please reach out to the following:
Text CHAT to 741741 to reach Crisis Text Line
They’ll be connected to a trained Crisis Counselor from Crisis Text Line.
Call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988
They’ll be connected to a crisis worker from the Lifeline.
Losing a beloved mother is one of the most painful feelings one can experience. But remember, grief is the price we pay for all that wonderful love we got to share.
The bulk of your life will be post-college and your mom would want you to live it to your fullest. Please honor her with your life, not your death.
I hope you don’t do what your last sentence says. My aunt lost her mom also on her birthday. It was her 21st birthday and she really struggled with it a lot. I don’t know many details but eventually things got better. It just takes time. I know it sucks but time is the only thing that can dull the pain of that scar.
I also lost my own mom when I was 12. It SUCKS and there isn’t a day that goes by that I wish she was here. But it DOES get better, even if only a little bit.
Your mom will always be with you and supporting you, no matter how far away she may seem now. I can tell that she was very proud of you and you know in your heart that if you were to commit suicide, it would absolutely devastate her. You’re only 19, you still have so much more life to give and your mom knows that. I think it would deeply sadden her if you two were to meet so soon again. She would only ever want you to be happy. I know it’s hard but keep holding on. Just as how your mom was strong for you, you need to be strong for her and for yourself.
You WILL find more people who love you and just from this one post I can already tell that you’re a great person. I know sometimes it’s not easy making friends, but you’ve already got the support of everyone on here. You never really know what could happen, your closest friend could be around the corner.
Happy birthday. I know this day may hurt now, but I hope you know you have all the support and well wishes of the people on here… including your mom.
OP I wish I could give you a hug. Please hun, don’t give up, it’s not what your mom would’ve wanted. Ask the campus doctor for antidepressants to help you cope through the grief, therapy will help as well.
You loss is tremendous, but there are other people in this world who will love you, if you can have the patience to find them
So very sorry for your loss
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and without a good support system makes it so much harder. If there is some form of afterlife, I don’t believe natural death goes to the same place as suicide; so doing what you’re thinking might not ever let you see her again. If you wait till your time is actually up, you’ll have so much more to talk to her about than you would now.
Find groups for grieving, at least there will be people you could connect with. Join groups for things you enjoy; there will be other people who also enjoy it in those groups. Friendship works both ways. Don’t wait for others to ask you out, go do the asking yourself. Not to mention groups of all different kinds of people on the internet. There’s always someone out there that shares your interests.
Please don’t end things. Even if only out of spite to the universe for taking her too soon
No, PLEASE DON’T. Your mother loved you dearly and would never want this for you. Please live to make her proud. Imagine the look on your father’s face as his world come crashing down: losing the two things he loves most.
Please OP, please run consider, there is soooo much more to life than you’ve seen so far.
Today will be easier.
The next day will be easier again.
Baby steps at a time, but please do not end it here.
DM me, spam me, vent, yap, I don’t mind, I’d love to help, but please reach out to someone. At least sleep on it.
Happy birthday, kiddo
grief is a very ardurous process, allow yourself to feel every step – especially the last one: loving acceptance.
First iam so sorry for your loss heaven got a
Great one today she lives in you thank u for sharing how
You are hurting I don’t want you to leave your light in this world matters you might not know it but someday you will find your click just put your self out there opening up is hard so I know you can do it there’s just about a club for everything go join o n e that fits your passion your not alone ly
As a mom myself, I just want to gently say — I truly believe your mom would want you to keep living and finding reasons to stay, even when it feels impossible. She would want you to thrive in your life, no matter what path you take.
I’m not the best friend in the world, but I’d be willing to be your friend, even if it’s just little ‘hey, how are you?’ check-ins here and there — whatever you’d be comfortable with. Internet friends are absolutely real friends. 💜
I’m so sorry that the people around you haven’t been friendly. I know that feeling all too well. It’s devastating. But it really can, and does, get better.
I lost my dad in 2022, he was my world. I get the kind of loss that feels like it hollows you out. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now.
Please know: You are not alone.
This isn’t what your mother wanted.
I would suggest if you cared about your mother at all, that you use the free counseling services all universities offer and get everything off your chest to a counselor.
They aren’t open currently there are plenty of services that are open 24 hours that will respond if you call and you can talk about how you’re feeling
Since your dad has done damage to your mental health and until everything is addressed, you can’t pass peacefully into whatever lay in the next.
Do you really want to pass away feeling how you’re feeling?
Meaning if this is something you choose to do eventually, you should do it when you’re at peace and not in shock over your mom’s passing.
Since after this choice is made, you can’t take it back should you be successful.
So you need to only attempt it when you are sure of what you want, rather than doing it as a means to run away rom the pain you’re experiencing/can’t be sure of anything.
Also there are some even believe if you pass by your own hand, you won’t ever end up where your mother ended up.
So please Op, for your mother’s sake, talk to a counselor and let them help you.
Happy birthday!!🩷 I am so incredibly sorry and am so proud of you for getting through each day despite struggling so much. If it feels like your world is crumbling apart right now, I would wait a few days/weeks to give time to process your emotions and how you are feeling. I think it is best to make decisions, especially one as big as that, when your mind is clear and emotions a little more regulated. You are so special and bring so much value to this world, even if you can’t see it yet. I hope you stay, the world is waiting for you and all you will accomplish if you are willing to embrace it:) I’m not sure how you like to celebrate birthdays, but you should treat yourself to ice cream, dessert, your fav food, etc, you deserve it (and always do) 🤍
I’m so sorry, my dear. 💔 But you have to keep moving on. Why so?
Not only for your mother – because of you.
And because…d1ing is NOT EASY NOR ROMANTICAL!
Meaning I was almost k1lled by a fucking real-life Joe Goldberg (my ex). And man, the flashbacks of my life were horrible.
You said your dad abused you. Darling, you just COULDN’T WANT to relive those moments!! But you will if you try, I promise you!!!! Because I lived again the worst fucking moments of my fucking life. (Then I got my fucking life force and pretended that I just fainted – that’s how I got out but it’s another story.)
Don’t get me wrong, babe… I’m a healing su1cidal too.
But some quite good thing happened to me when I finally decided that I won’t unalive neither myself or that fucking rapist.
I learned so much, exciting new things, saw exciting new places, travelled a lot, got great memories…and…
And somewhere I believe, there are our people too.
They wait for us.
We just have to find them.
Until then, there’s soo much to experience.
Too many pet to hug.
Too many installation to see.
Too many walks to walk.
Too many places to see.
Too many books to read.
Too many series to watch (for example, the You! Girl you will LOVE the ending!! 😍 It exhilarated me so much that it’s nighttime where I type from, but I literally can’t sleep!).
Too many love to get.
And to give.
We need you here.
You are precious.
Please, hang in there. ❤️
Or just write me if it feels better.
I’m gonna read it a few hours later (when I wake up), and you should sleep a bit too! You need it babygirl, you are very tired, and you have all the right for it.
And to live, too.
Your mum wouldn’t want you to meet yet.
I promise she would just want you to be happy.
Because girlie, you just fucking deserve it.
29/F
If only you knew how many people admire you from a far. Something about you, maybe a cool short you wear, maybe noticing a subtle softness about you in a beautiful way, maybe someone you helped with notes was up all night with a sick child terrified to fall behind in class but you, you were the sweet person who saved them by helping. Perhaps a little smile you awkwardly made when you accidentally locked eyes I know you know what I’m talking about. I’m so awkward too. I know you feel so alone but you pouring your heart on to this confession page another person sees that they’re finally not alone. Someone smiled today because of you, this world is better with you in it but you have to be here to see it. So, please do me a favorite; do anything, literally anytime to be here tomorrow. Today will pass, crisis will pass. Your mother would more than anything want you to continue living, choose life. Choose it for her, make her a promise to live for her each day. Please do everything you can to be here tomorrow, sleep in the library, go to a 24hr diner, lot at ridiculous things things at Walmart. Make a list of thing you can do to keep your mothers memory alive every single day. Whatever you do, please stay.
My heart aches for you. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. There’s nothing I can say that will take that excruciating pain you’re feeling right now away.
But please, please don’t end your life. You’re 19, you’re so young, your life will NOT stay the same like it is now. I just turned 34 and being 19 feels like a lifetime ago sometimes. You’ll meet people worth your while, you’ll get to know people that deserve you. There’s hope, there’s light. Ending it is something you can’t get back from, and something you could always choose later. Not today, not now when you’re in the centre of all this grief and loss. ❤️
Feel absolutely free to reach out in DM to me if you wanna talk to someone sincere. You deserve the world, sweetie. There are people that care for you without even knowing you.
I can’t imagine the heartbreak you’re experiencing, and I’m so very sorry for your loss. Losing your person, your mother, today of all days, is more grief than anyone should ever have to endure.
BUT, please believe me when I say that you can endure it. You are the best piece of your mom, and you’re still here. Let her shine through you each day, so that the people around you may be lucky enough to get a glimpse of how incredible she was, therefore how incredible you are.
When I was your age I went through a severe depression, and though I didn’t believe it at the time, I did make it through. You can too.
If you’re interested, I would love to be a “pen pal” of sorts. I never forget a birthday and am always happy to just listen if you want to talk. No hard feelings if you’re not interested, but please talk to someone.
You are your mother’s light, don’t let her light go out.
First off, Happy Birthday. I am so sorry you are experiencing this, especially on your birthday. I lost my mom 3 days after my 20th birthday. I feel how you feel often, but I am still here, 16 years later. Please please do not take your life. I know it can feel like no one cares and what’s the point of living, but your mom wants you to live, to graduate college and do great things. Please talk to us, talk to a Dr and get on an antidepressant. Please post tomorrow to let us know you are okay 💕
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now. Your love for your mom is obvious even in just one post. She clearly loved you very much also. The world has been cruel to you, which you do not deserve. Your heart and head must be aching. In this moment, the pain feels unbearable. But you can still live a long, free life. Your future must be so difficult to imagine when your present is so painful. But you are young, and clearly very intelligent and resilient. You may feel so trapped now, but there are infinite directions you can take your life in. You can experience joy and hope again, even if it feels impossible now. It won’t be easy, but life can get better. Give yourself and your future a chance. Reach out for support and if you are in danger, please contact the appropriate services near you.
All of these comments are a sign to stay.
I know that this must be a absolutely horrible day for you, but I hope that you experience many more birthdays. Days full of love, joy and people who care about you. I hope that someday you will look back on this time of your life and be proud that you stayed.
I think this moment is truly the most difficult I could imagine, but as a mother I would be much happier to see my son reacting and living and staying strong. Having given all my energy of love to someone, I would never hope to meet them again early. If you need help, ask for help, cry, scream, but don’t purposely end your life. You will find the color of living. Loving hugs from a Brazilian who is really rooting for your life 💚
Happy Birthday! Please stay
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Second, Happy birthday! Third, your mom would want you to live a full life. I’m going to send you a birthday message in hopes you will find the strength to keep going.
I hope your year ahead is full of new possibilities, joy and finding your tribe. You deserve all the happiness that will come your way.
Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine the pain you’re carrying right now — losing your mom, feeling isolated, and on your birthday too. It’s so much for anyone to handle.
But please, even though it feels unbearable right now, please don’t make a permanent decision based on the pain you’re feeling today. Your grief is so raw and so real, but it won’t always feel this sharp. Right now it feels like there’s no path forward, but there is — even if you can’t see it yet.
You are not alone, even though it feels like you are. You deserve to live. You deserve to find people who see your heart the way your mom did. You deserve time to heal and find things that bring you light again, even if right now that feels impossible.
If you can, please reach out to a counselor, a hotline, someone who can sit with you through this pain. You don’t have to carry it by yourself. Your life matters. And your mom — the way you talk about her — I truly believe she would want you to keep going, even when it’s hard, even when it hurts.
Please stay.
💔
Please as a mother I can assure you that your mommy would want you to live on. I am so so very sorry for your loss, I know it’s not easy, but please keep going for her. Also I know this was a hard day, but happy birthday nonetheless.
Happy Birthday OP..
My condolences!
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 I’m so sorry for your loss and so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how heavy all this must feel. I hope it is at least a comfort that the love of your life passed peacefully. I’m not sure if it would help, but try to think of what she would want for you. It’s clear from what you shared that you love her, and she loved you dearly. Hugs.
So long as you live, so does your mother. She lives through you and your memories. We all want you to stay. I was suicidal at your age, but stayed and had a lot of love since then, including my own daughter, whom I tell about my mum as she also passed too young.
Also, Happy Birthday from Australia. 🫂
Please dont!!!
Inbox me, talk to me whenever you need someone, im here for you, i know im a stranger to you but reading your post broke my heart for you, it must be so difficult to go through it all and i understand that, but u need to know that things will get better, i have had suicidal thoughts myself but trust me, there IS light at the end of the tunnel and you are stronger than you know.
Please hit me up if you need to talk, I am here for you.
Happy birthday ❤️
Happy Birthday, OP. I’m really sorry for your loss.
Your mom is your angel now, and she wants you to stay with us, find your purpose and be happy living your life. Life is hard but there are good things that hard times teach us. Honor your mom living your life the best way possible. Please, stay here.
13m here, don’t do that, even if it is for yourself think about your family, how they would feel if u commit self kill, get therapy, mourn but don’t do this, your mother wants you to continue your life despite her death, make her proud before you go…
Please fucking don’t. I understand that loneliness is hard, and life can be suffering, especially without the person you love. But don’t give up yet. I don’t know if there’s anything after death, but if your mother could read this, She would have heartache. She definitely wouldn’t want her child to give up. Carry on for her sake because she loved you.