Had an award ceremony tonight at my HS. Clapped and cheered for my friends, and was clapped and cheered for at the same time. The difference was… I was clapped and cheered for basically just participating, because I did nothing exceptional at all during high school, and it makes me feel like a failure.
The worst part is that I know I had potential. I wasn’t just destined for mediocrity; I chose it. I regularly got perfect scores in Elementary and Middle School, was placed in Advanced Classes, was evaluated as gifted and joined those programs, etc. When COVID hit, though, I kind of just gave up and resigned myself to video games. So much so that I did terribly in my freshman and sophomore year of high school in the easiest classes that everyone should’ve gotten A-pluses in. I didn’t realize how many opportunities would be denied to me because of those choices… choices made because I thought I didn’t need to prove myself by acing classes I could’ve aced in sixth grade…
which was just an excuse I used to play stupid video games that no longer even entertain me. How dumb that was of me.
When I realized I screwed up and tried to work harder and achieve a higher educational status by getting A-pluses in the advanced placement classes, it was far too late to make a meaningful difference with the low grades I had in the far easier ones.
As I saw my valedictorian friends walk up and be nominated, I thought to myself this; that could’ve been me… that could’ve been me… I’m a failure, aren’t I? All because I was an idiot that prioritized short-term satisfaction over the bigger picture: drawing and sleeping in class like a moron… all the while watching shows and playing games at home instead of studying.
Now I’ll forever look towards that chapter of my life and think nothing but regret, regret, regret. A failure. A waste. And it doesn’t go away. It’ll stay with me forever, and affect my life moving forward as I move into college… not my dream one of course and for the aforementioned reasons as well.
I hate myself for this. For all of it. I’m gonna have to work thrice as hard at college to make up for it if I want even one one-tenth of the bitter shame and despair I feel to vanish.
That’s all.
Comments
You’re in high school. I think of Julius Caesar:
Caesar’s encounter with a statue of Alexander in Cadiz sparked a moment of self-reflection, as he realized Alexander had achieved immense glory at a young age, while Caesar felt he had yet to do anything notable.
Basically, he was jealous of the accomplishments of a younger man from the past with no understanding that his name and deeds would be honored hundreds of years after his own death. You’re probably gonna be fine, and more than anything else, it’s not a crime to not be great.
Tbh high school accomplishments aren’t anything to your real life. I was a scholar graduate with an above 4.0 GPA in high school, took dual enrollment and honors classes and was so proud of myself. Once I got to college, I felt like such a below average student. Plus college campuses have 1000s of kids and no one even asks about that stuff or cares. They’re all just struggling to get that degree themselves. At least you graduated & that can actually help you in the future, not having 10 cords or wearing a special sash during graduation, jobs don’t ask nor care about that stuff tbh.
Hey, lend yourself some grace! Covid was absolutely traumatizing, and everyone processed that time differently. That said, the world is your oyster hun. High school is small potatoes compared to what’s before you.
I got my GED, nothing impressive about it. And then I went off and became a professional circus performer, traveled the world, moved around the country, and did many years of very fun fucking off. My accomplishments have been unorthodox, but valuable nonetheless. Now I’m in grad school and have MORE great future ahead of me.
And so do you. Be curious about yourself, your future, and what you’re capable of. This is only the beginning.
Who wants to be the person who peaked in HS?
I swear if my son wasn’t at practice now I would swear he wrote this.
That Covid shit was for real. It set many kids back.
You got your whole life ahead, you learned a valuable lesson and you are also the same smart person you were then. That hasn’t changed.