I don’t even know how to start this without feeling a thousand different things at once guilt, sadness, shame, maybe even a little bit of hope.
A few months ago, I did something I’d never thought I’d be capable of admitting.
I hired someone , a stranger not for anything physical, not for anything scandalous.
I just… needed someone to choose me for a little while.
To look at me like I mattered.
To say words that nobody else in my life had the time or the heart to say anymore.
I’ve been married for years. From the outside, you’d probably think my life looks pretty good. But inside my home and inside myself there’s a silence that’s so heavy, it feels like it’s choking me some days.
The loneliness you feel when you’re with someone who stopped seeing you… it hurts in a way that’s hard to describe.
It wasn’t about cheating. It wasn’t about betraying him. It wasn’t about physical touch at all.
I found someone online someone who offered “companionship sessions” and I messaged him.
I told him, honestly, that I just needed to feel seen.
He agreed to meet in a public place first. No strings, no expectations. Just time.
I even wrote down little things I wished someone would say to me. Like,
“You’re still beautiful,”
“I’m proud of how hard you’re trying,”
“You deserve to be cared for,”
“You’re allowed to be tired,”
“You don’t have to pretend you’re okay.”
When we met, he just listened. Held my hand. Looked me in the eyes like I wasn’t invisible.
For once, I didn’t have to apologize for needing to be wanted, even just in words.
I know what I did might seem foolish or pathetic to some people. Maybe even unforgivable to others.
But I also know that desperate people make desperate choices.
And that sometimes the deepest betrayals aren’t when you turn to someone else
but when the person who promised to love you stops noticing when you’re breaking right in front of them.
I haven’t told anyone this until now.
I still cry when I think about it not because of shame, but because of how badly I needed something so simple:
to feel worthy of being loved.
If you’ve ever felt invisible in your own life, please know you’re not alone.
You’re not crazy.
You’re not weak.
You’re just human and we were never meant to survive without love.
Comments
There are professionals for this. It’s called therapy! Seriously, way healthier and better for your relationship than this!
You didn’t pay for love you paid to remember you deserve it. That’s not weakness, that’s survival. And honestly? I think it’s brave. ❤️
Its probably divorce time, lady.
Not judging you at all!
I’m curious to know how much you payed for his service? And how you found him
Please don’t be ashamed.
I’m so sorry that you feel so unseen in your marriage.
I have had female friends in the sex industry and most clients want what you want primarily, even if on the surface, it seems they’re just paying for sex and titillation.
Our lives project outwards from our inner selves.
One bad breakup I had in the not too distant past prompted me to do some next level therapy, after scoping out a really good therapist. And that gave me hope for the rest of my romantic life.
You dont necessarily need to escape your current marriage, but I’d really recommend doing your own therapy.
People have told me, when they do good, effective therapy, everything around them shifts, as if everyone else in their lives was doing therapy.
I would definitely say it is time to sit down with your partner and communicate your feelings and perhaps do some couples therapy. If still nothing changes, it may be time to end the relationship.
It is better to be alone rather than lay next to someone and still feel alone.
You cheated, stop hiding behind your finger lol
Hey stranger, I’ve felt the same way as you before. There’s nothing like feeling alone while you’re with someone. It hurts differently than feeling alone when you are alone. I understand.
Here is the truth, I can’t speak on your looks but from what you wrote you are beautiful inside bc you wanted to share encouragement with others. You do deserve to be cared for, you do deserve to allow yourself to be tired and it is ok to not be ok sometimes.
That’s the case because you are human and we all have inherent worth. Ideally you would be able to talk to your husband and get this validation from him but I do not fault you for doing what you felt you had to in the moment when you needed it and felt like your husband wasn’t an option.
I hope things get better for you, remember what I said above (for free, plus I meant it!!)
Please, tell your partner and a therapist what you’ve done, and work forward to the next steps. If that is divorcing, do that. If not, definitely don’t do again what you just recounted.
Sometimes survival looks like choosing yourself in the quietest, gentlest way possible and there’s nothing shameful about that.
https://www.cuddlecomfort.com
“when the person who promised to love you stops noticing when you’re breaking right in front of them”
God, that hit me so hard
I’m so sorry if you begged and pleaded to be loved and it never came, that hurts more than my words can describe.
As a married average overweight bald goofball weirdo family guy, I genuinely desire you to find some way to make different choices for your marriage. I guarantee that your husband can’t be extremely happy or faithful in your own current relationship. I really hurt for you. I wish you could get this type of attention from your husband.
I’ve been struggling with my sexless dead bedroom marriage for over two decades ((almost 3)). However, we both have health related issues, and she doesn’t really want to truly get the necessary medical attention needed. We still have affection, trust, respect, and laughter between us. I fluctuate with desire to have an opportunity for intimacy frustrations alleviated. I value my integrity and my wife’s mental health too much to betray her in that manner. Good luck with finding a brighter future!
Holy ChatGPT
This is a common thing in Japan