I wish I was kidding, that title says it all, she wasn’t like this, at all, she was “Strong independent woman” constantly, she never needed my help and as time grew on she just became, well let me give a few examples for those who care enough to read this far
Hydration is not a word in her vocabulary, she will go hours and hours not drinking a single thing until I offer her something either before I go to work or after, she won’t eat unless I remind her, her excuse is that she’s busy with her work(She works at home), but will have plenty of time to phone her friends and gossip for hours, then complain she’s hungry and will not make herself food until I make her something
She is on medication, medication that requires strict schedules and absolutely zero tolerance of skipping days, she takes it just before bed, she climbs into bed, regularly with no water or drink, and doesn’t drink it because she won’t get up to get water, and she won’t drink it with just water, it has to be either soda or something similar
If she cooks dinner, she needs my help to do all the side tasks, cutting onions, grating cheese, preparing dishes, but when I cook she will sit there and play games on the phone until her battery dies, to which she doesn’t care and then complain to me she’s bored, and please never ask her to choose something on TV, or YouTube, or streaming, because she will sit there for hours just scrolling, she has the same attitude for food, she either wants nothing, or I have to list 30+ foods for her, only for her to say “How about McDonald’s?” and then complain afterwards we get too much takeout
Not to mention the double standards, when she needs cuddles and kisses, I have to stop everything I’m doing, but when I need affection or just someone to vent to, it’s on her time and if it’s not her time, I need to wait
If I wasn’t in this house, she would be constantly eating microwave meals, constantly ordering takeout and not a single drop of water would be drank, she can’t even get up to take the dogs out for a pee while I’m sick, she can’t even fold her recently washed laundry in the same week it was washed, she was never like this, but now? I don’t recognise her, at all
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Why are you her carer instead of her partner? She is taking advantage of your caring nature: she needs to get to a doctor to check for mental health issues, or she needs to out on her big girl pants and get a move on!
I would have fucked off already from such terrible relationship.
I think you’ve been offering these things and she likes of feeling cared, hence continues this behavior. My partner is also “too nice” that he unnecessarily pampers me such as taking dish to tables, cooking most of the meals, offering drinks and other small things.
But I never take advantage or expects of him because I myself dispise when others do so. If he suddenly drops all the pampering he’s been offering, I’m completely fine taking his part. She needs to learn what it feels like to be taken advantage of. If she can’t, nothing will save this.
Sounds like ADHD and/or trauma. Sucks to be her but, then again, sucks to be you. You are not responsible for anyone’s happiness except your own. Take care of yourself first and then, if you have the mental space left (and inclination), take care of her. Cheers!
You’re her parent!
Is your wife a child because that’s childish behavior.
Sounds like a spoiled brat
Wow. You nearly perfectly described my 9 yr old 😬 … if she hasn’t always been like this, perhaps a trip to the doctor or a therapist is needed. Otherwise, you have an adult child on your hands. My condolences…
Dude. I’m a disabled woman with cerebral palsy and even i don’t do that.
Who cares if she doesn’t drink water. I hate water.
Stop doing things for her. Just stop.
She will do it for herself. Or not.
She’s not your child.
In school, I believe they should teach us more about how our brains work and function. If someone does not learn or is taught intentionally about very specific healthy human interactions and behaviors by the age of 16 and then has that consistently practiced until their brain is fully developed at 25 or 26, this can create massive issues. And experiencing something not as bad as this with my wife, but one day at a time sometimes one hour at a time.
I know your pain. I was with someone for years that really didn’t function well. As hard as the call was that she was going to live in her car and could she use my shower, my life has blossomed exponentially without her.
Yours would too
Why are you micromanaging her? Let her be. She’ll eventually take care of herself.
What is she, u/Fancy-Tie-4629, a fourth-grader??
Even my 10-y.o. is more capable that her.
“I don’t recognise her, at all.”
That is because you cater to her learned incompetence and she is taking advantage of you.
You have enabled this. You.
So, stop it, if you don’t want to keep on doing this for the rest of your life.
Undiagnosed ADHD? Symptoms get WAY worse when going through peri-menopause. She needs to get help, what if you were to heaven forbid die tomorrow.
To be clear I’m not defending her behaviour, I’m suggesting getting her help to treat the underlying issue. You can’t keep going the way you are
I have severe arthritis issues and mobility issues I’m able to take care of myself while my fiance is at work and I usually feel bad he has to take care of my when he gets home that I ask for nothing. Lately it’s been a struggle and today I asked him for dinner. I didn’t care what it was at all I struggled to make a sandwich for lunch I would eat anything for dinner. He just went and grabbed a couple frozen pizzas and I was happy. I get my own drinks and make my own coffee and get my own food usually. She’s an adult she’s got to get help she may have something mentally going on.
Have you seriously talked with her about any of these things? My bf gets my water all the time, but it’s like an ongoing joke. I’m be super embarrassed if he felt like you did but was just going along with it.
You baby her all she wants to be babied! Nothing wrong with that.
She’s got ADHD. I do the same things except I’m single with a child so I’m forced to do these things myself. You’re enabling her, sorry. Also, I don’t drink water often, forget to eat, take my meds and order out more than I care to admit. She needs a therapist and or a psychiatrist.
She does this because you do it for her.
RUN. I know I sound harsh, but if you ever have kids with her, parenthood will seem a nightmare, and your offspring will not benefit from a mother who can handle tasks, show discipline, grit, sense of purpose and independence. It will all fall on YOU. Yeah…run!
have you heard of weaponized incompetence?
Hey this sounds like a conversation you should be having with your wife and a therapist, either together or separate doesn’t really matter but it’ll help you figure out a game plan on how to deal with her, and help you talk to your wife about how much work you’re doing
It’s time to leave bro.
I just got up and got a glass of water… So there’s that.
She sounds classic ADHD. Get her a few water bottles and set alarms on her phone.
This same exact story WORD for WORD was posted a few months ago.
Mannnnn WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE! I have depression and adhd so that’s not an excuse IF that’s the excuse. That’s a grown ass woman if she don’t wanna drink water or eat that’s her business.
She’ll figure it out once she’s famished and the dog done pissed all over her stuff.
What changed do you think?
She might be a spoiled brat, as many are saying, but keeping in mind that she wasn’t always like this, I’m more inclined to think that she’s having some undiagnosed mental health issues.
It’s too much of a change to attribute to just laziness or being spoiled. I think you need to look into that. It’s not healthy for any of you to continue this way. You’ll end up burning out and resenting her, and she might get worse and worse until it becomes unsustainable.
Was she always like this?
Your title says she wouldn’t survive a day without you. Your description says she would “survive” but not to your standard of living
Maybe less Daddy-ing and let her suffer the consequences of her behavior. Live more of your life for yourself, so your days aren’t one constant frustration
For example: you say you have to drop everything when she wants to vent, but she won’t let you vent? The next time she wants to vent let her know that “yesterday I tried to tell you what was on my heart and you wouldn’t listen. So I’m going to walk away now and maybe we can try again later When we can have a back-and-forth”
She sounds like she has the mentality of my 17 year old
Ewwww. Very unattractive
You may be enabling her. I’m a woman but more like you, I take care of everything and it gets to a point you start to feel resentful. I had to realize it’s kind of my fault for not asking for help and instead jumping in and taking care of everything myself.
She knows you’re there to take care of things so she’s allowed herself to free herself of that burden. I bet you wouldn’t be able to ignore her needs for at least one day. You will feel uncomfortable if she doesn’t need you. It’s kind of a codependency and you have to let go and be uncomfortable for her to snap back.
She might have adhd and be burnt out several things about this post make me come to this conclusion as someone who has experienced similar issues and has been diagnosed I don’t throw this out at every similar situation either so maybe consider talking to her about seeking a diagnosis or treatment and if she is diagnosed maybe a different type of medication because if she is on something for ADHD it sounds like it isn’t working
She sounds depressed.
That’s ADHD for you.
Untreated ADHD.
If she didn’t used to be this way, wouldn’t you think there’s something mentally different about her? Try to talk to her.
Might she be depressed? (I’m no expert, though.)
Is she depressed?
Oh my gosh, this sounds like me and I have severe inattentive ADHD. I guess I will be single forever.
Stop doing things for her. You’re enabling her behaviour.
Is she possibly severely depressed? This behavior is extremely abnormal, and it’s raising all red flags. Have a serious conversation with her about the level of labor and effort you’re putting in to keep her alive, and how concerning it is to you. She needs to get professional assistance, either with a psychiatrist or therapist, to figure out what’s going on. And please, stop enabling her. You are becoming her crutch, and she won’t be able to stand back on her own two feet. Encourage her to get help. Good luck, OP.
Sounds like me before getting my ADHD diagnosed.
Get her checked up with a therapist or psychiatrist, and see about getting her treatment. Women often have a harder time with ADHD and are often ignored for treatment. Push for it.
If it isn’t mental health issues or related it’s just weaponized incompetence at its finest.
Stop enabling this behaviour and start treating/helping it.
She might be depressed. Does she see a psychiatrist?
Buddy you infantilized her and now she’s been conditioned to act like a baby in your marriage. JFC!
As harsh as it sounds perhaps you need to stop. She doesn’t do it herself because she doesn’t need to. Sure she will have to learn the hard way, but you’ve crossed over from husband to caretaker and you are going to get so resentful…speaking from experience.
Not the same as what you’re dealing with but my husband use to call me to ask me to call a business and ask a question. I would grumble and do it until one day I said if you have the time to call me you have the time to call them. I use to book dental appointments or remind him he was out of medication, renew your registration etc… Now I do none of it. You didn’t get meds 🤷🏼♀️, haven’t been to the dentist in forever 🤷🏼♀️, get a ticket because you didn’t register your vehicle 🤷🏼♀️, no clean work clothes because you never do laundry 🤷🏼♀️. I have to manage myself and two kids, I will never go back to managing him.
She’s either a spoiled brat or depressed. If the former, give her an ultimatum. If the latter, get her professional help
She sounds like she is clinically depressed
Im the same way with eating. It just doesn’t cross my mind for hours and hours.
Stop enabling her
Does she have undiagnosed adhd?
You need to stop accepting this as your new reality. Sit her down for an adult talk and be open about all of this and tell her you are not OK to live your life that way. She either needs to get help or you are making arrangements for yourself. This is not the life of a married couple, you are her caretaker now.