Last month, I broke up with my fiancé and partner of 4 years because I couldn’t stand his mom anymore.
She constantly belittled me over my job and my weight. She would always get angry at her son for complimenting me or for showing me (innocent) affection. Making passive agressive remarks like, “Do you really have to do that?” with a disgusted face. She made sure I knew that I wasn’t good enough for her son, and she even told me that multiple times. She said once, “Mama will always be number one!” My ex always defended her. He always told me that she didn’t mean it, but her comments hurt.
As the wedding day approached, I realized that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with a MIL who was so horrible to me. Who knew how she’d act with my future kids? Her behavior drove me insane.
I have cried a lot since the separation. Part of me feels relieved and knows this is the right decision for me, but part of me is heartbroken. I feel like I’ll never get over the fact that I wasn’t able to make it work with my first love. I tried so hard, we went to couple’s counseling and everything. Yet, I feel like I could’ve tried harder.
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I went through a similar situation. We broke up and after a couple years I married someone else and we became amicable, I see him every couple years and he is still as manipulated as he was 10 years ago. I cannot fathom bearing his mommy issues for a lifetime. You made the right choice.
He’s the one who should have tried harder!
You did the right thing and I so admire and respect your self respect. You deserve so much better in a man.
Seriously that wasn’t her fault
I’ve always struggled to comprehend why someone would put a parent above and beyond the love of their life – their partner.
If I had to choose between my partner and my parents, my partner would win every time.
At the end of the day OP, you made the correct decision. I think you had a taste of what was heading your way!
You definitely tried. Your ex-fiance, not so much or at all. He should have stood up for you. He made his choice, and you made yours. And even though you absolutely made the right choice, I know that couldn’t have been easy. Good luck, OP.
I have left two people because their mother was like this. But really, I left them because they did not have my back. I don’t want to be with someone who will stand there and watch while anyone (mother or not) treats me that way. That’s not being a good partner– I want someone I can count on.
Found him, too. My partner now actually cancelled our plans with his parents for Christmas because they weren’t respectful of my boundaries. And he did the work of talking to them and negotiating and all of that smoothing over so we are able to be around his parents without taking mental health damage, now. He had my back, and he didn’t throw me under the bus or stand there while they treated me badly.
I don’t need a perfect relationship with my inlaws; I just need a partner who will defend me if someone else is treating me poorly. It’s not too much to ask; it’s not too much for you to ask, either.
Now why are you saying you could have tried harder when it’s his toxic mom and he never helped you with it? That’s on him.
I’m the one who brought the dysfunctional inlaws into my marriage but I do not for one instant expect my husband to put up with any crap nor do I make excuses for any crap that occurs. If you’re getting married you need to function as a team, and from what you’ve said, this dude is not on your team. I’m so sorry.
It’s hard now but stay strong, you have done the right thing.
Journalling might be helpful to work through your feelings and get back on track when you hit those low/ lonely points.
Meanwhile, remember to enjoy your new-found peace and freedom, and build up your self esteem. Give yourself lots of love and care – being criticised a lot is draining and erodes your confidence.
You did enough.
I feel so hard for you. They either get away or you do, it sucks. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
You already tried OP. You put up with her shit behavior for years and told your fiancée who would defend his mom instead of you. You guys even went to marriage counseling! I know it hurts but you won’t regret this.
I have a great relationship with my MIL and people are always amazed. Don’t get me wrong we’ve had problems but it was always due to miscommunication and she never holds a grudge. She never gets in between me and my husband if we fight. My MIL always told me that her MIL was a nightmare so she promised herself to never be that way. Case in point, there are MILs out there who are pretty cool and laid back. Best of luck to you OP
Not right now, but at some point in the future you will thank yourself for remove that toxic woman from your life. I’m sorry you are so sad right now, but it will get easier with time. You gave it your best shot, but that woman would never give you any happiness, and with him defending her bullshit, it would have ended in divorce at some point and she would be delighted that she broke you up!
First, you don’t need to be in a situation where your partner has to intervene against his parents getting out of pocket. Second, you don’t need a partner that’s unwilling to do it in the event it does happen. She’s not going to change and he doesn’t hold her accountable. It hurts now because you invested your time and your heart but this hurt is temporary and doesn’t hold a candle to the hurt that comes from ending things years later after more damage is done.
You did the right thing. If he wouldn’t stand up for you against his mother, he wouldn’t back you up in other areas of your shared life, as well.
You dodged a bullet. And maybe with the pain he’s feeling, he’ll learn to do better for his next girlfriend and better understand where his priorities ought to be, or else this will keep happening to him.
H love, YOU couldn’t have tried harder, sounds like you gave everything you could without becoming a shell of the loving woman you are. I’m so very sorry that it didn’t work out, but she would have made sure you were miserable, that you understood you would always come in second, maybe even third.
It’s particularly cruel and selfish to me, a Mother and Grandmother (61), when a Mother insists on coming first with her child(ren). It’s unnatural and enmeshes their child to eventually face the world alone because she WILL die at some point and the one who truly loved him won’t be there, all because Mommy couldn’t release her grasp or allow someone else to become important to him.
Four years is a very long time to be continuously abused and degraded. You may think that the love you shared would be worth it but it really isn’t. Especially when/if you did have children. I promise you that it’s better to leave now than later because there would be NO escaping the toxic triangle once you had children.
You WILL find someone who loves you beyond all else. Hell, you could find a man who really loves his family, loves his Mother but understands that his family loves him and prepared him to find love and have a family of his own. Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success!
Of course you have these mixed emotions. You loved him and this relationship mattered to you. But you also paid too high a price to have it. Two things can be true at once.
You were down to a binary choice: put up or leave. He didn’t give you option three, where he puts you first and his mom in her place.
As time goes on, this will get easier to bear. Then one day you will wake up and realize it’s not the first thing you think about anymore.
You did the right thing. This will be proven to you over and over. You’re strong and smart.
Honestly – good for you. You did the right thing by yourself. You can’t win in life with someone constantly tearing you down and have your significant other not backing you up. It’s not a long term survival or happiness strategy.
She was too naive to understand the psychology behind her behavior. Sonny boy could not detach. He was supposed to break away and build his new life with you. Evidently he could not. Or will not.
You broke up because your ex didn’t stand up to you, and was a lousy partner overall.
It doesn’t really matter if you had issues with his mother, father or dog: his duty, as a partner, was to handle those things and take care of you.
And he failed there.
I’m so sorry sweetness 😥😥 did your fiancé ever stick up for you? (And I’m sorry if you mentioned this). If he didn’t, you honestly dodged a bullet.
if you have kids would you want to expose your children to her? imagine his mom being in your life at every major life stage. she will attend anniversaries, birth of children, birthday parties, holidays, etc. and your partner won’t defend you to her but he’ll defend her… do not put yourself through that.
I’m so proud of you OP! You chose yourself! Fuck yeah! I’m excited for your future, with you in your corner, you’ve got this!
she wasn’t the true issue- he was. if he loved you enough to marry you he should have grew a set and stood up to his mother
You didn’t separate from your partner because of his overbearing Mom. You separated because you didn’t receive needed support from your partner. Your partner didn’t have a spine to stand up for you and shut down his mom’s disrespect towards you.
Then why are you putting whole blame on his Mom? – Because it’s easier and less painful to put all blame on third person than accepting that the person you loved for 4 years weren’t right for you.
I would say the first step to healing is accepting the reality – that the real problem was your partner. That would make you feel better. You chose short term pain over a lifelong disrespect and potential mental health issues. I really respect you.
I feel you, I’m currently dating a guy whose family isn’t particularly fond of me. But here’s the thing – if this situation continues, and he doesn’t step up, I’m definitely leaving. I love him to bits, and I cannot imagine what life would be without him, but sometimes you’ve got to choose yourself; because nobody else will. It’s not worth it, the behavior will only get worse over time, and the more you compromise, the more he’ll think that what’s happening to you is okay. It’s time for men to start standing up for their partners and these moms who feel like they’re number one or first or whatever else, that’s just insecure bullshit. I absolutely hate such women. Oh my blood boils just thinking about it! I’m so tired of facing shit like this. Honestly, I could go on about this forever, but you did the right thing by leaving. If you hadn’t, there would be a day when you’d begin disliking him and it’s not worth it. I’m happy you got out, don’t worry and don’t go back no matter what he says. You’ll find someone who will treat you right. Hope you feel better soon.