For most of my life, my mom has treated me like a punching bag — emotionally, verbally, and sometimes even physically when I was younger. She’d tell me I was a “burden,” that I “ruined her life” by existing. When I got good grades, she said I thought I was better than her. When I got bad grades, she said I was “as dumb as she always knew.” Nothing was ever good enough.
The hardest part? She’d turn around and play the “loving mother” to the outside world. I’d hear people say how “lucky” I was to have her. It made me feel crazy — like I was the problem.
When I got into college (on scholarships I fought tooth and nail for), she guilted me into living at home to “save money.” It wasn’t about saving money. It was about control.
Fast forward to this past week: I got engaged to the most supportive person I’ve ever met. He’s seen the worst of it, but never pushed me to make a choice. He just stood by me.
I told my mom the news and she immediately started picking it apart. “You’re too young,” (I’m 27). “He’s just after your money,” (I work two jobs; we are both broke). Then she said something that finally broke me:
“You’re going to ruin his life like you ruined mine.”
I hung up the phone mid-sentence.
I blocked her.
I blocked the flying monkeys she sent after me too.
And you know what?
I feel light.
I feel FREE.
I thought I’d be wracked with guilt. But I’m not. I’m angry. I’m relieved. I’m grieving the idea of a mother I never had — not the real person.
I don’t know if anyone will even read this, but I needed to get it out. I’m finally choosing myself.
Maybe it’s selfish. But maybe selfish isn’t a bad word anymore.
Thanks for listening.
Comments
Keep on keeping on!!!
You aged 3 years in a few days?
>I’m 24F and lately I just feel like I’m completely stuck in life. Like I’m watching everyone else move forward, get good jobs, relationships, apartments, and I’m just here… standing still. I work a crappy retail job, live with my parents still, and my social life is pretty much non existent at this point
You’re also married 15 years and just got engaged?
>My husband and I have been married for over 15 years, and I used to think we were missing something spontaneity, excitement, whatever it was I thought made sex “great.”
Do you get bored and write things to get attention?
Go YOU. Well done. Don’t go back. Don’t waver. You are going to go forward and build an amazing life with your partner, free of that toxicity and poison she was drip-feeding you.
Well done for surviving. Now go and live lightly and freely xx
Live your life to the fullest. Don’t look back.
Well, look at that! A real live, genuine SMART PERSON!
I’m impressed.
I’m so sorry you have a mother that would say such a thing to her own child! It seems entirely reasonable to cut yourself off from such a person. I don’t think disconnecting is always the best idea, but she revealed her character in that one statement.
I’m sorry for the grief and anger you have to experience. I hope every day feels lighter and brighter and freer from now on.
I’m really happy for you. You definitely did the right thing and congrats on the engagement!!
You did something incredibly hard and incredibly brave. Choosing your own peace after years of hurt isn’t selfish it’s necessary. You’re not mourning her; you’re mourning the hope of what she could have been. And that’s okay. Healing starts with choosing yourself.
Bravo!!!!
You are worth it. Fuck her. And her flying monkies.
But I’m sorry you had to go thru that. It is a sad thing.
Hugs.
Good for you! Sadly, not everyone who becomes a parent truly deserves the role. The universe put you in her life to remind you of your strength and beauty, and you’re going to do amazing. Forgive your mom in your heart, keep a healthy distance, and focus on building the peaceful life you deserve.
Oh my goodness. Glad you did. You should have done this years ago. I am glad you are relieved but I hope you stick to it. Block flying monkeys too. Hey she didn’t want you so you are just going with it. You are going to feel so much better.
Went NC with my dad at 19. I’m 50 now. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It really simplifies your life not having someone who appears to hate you in it.
Your mom, I feel like underneath the filth, there is a decent person there that you’ve longed to see, one that was a lot more caring from your youth. But maybe a few bad experiences deteriorated her mental health into a downward spiral that resulted in some narcissism, unnecessary resentment, etc. I feel like she does hold guilt deep down, but she will need the help of a trained professional therapist, to unclog all the filth and expose the caring mother underneath.
Maybe for a Mother’s Day gift, you could try to schedule some type of appointment with such therapy, just to try…. It could possibly be the start of the most life changing event ever, and make for a much better future for you and her, and your future kids, I’m not saying you have to, you have every right to reject it. I’m just suggesting that it’s a possible option that’s definitely worth investing in, as I had a similar situation with an older sister, and oh man did therapy finally bring peace after years of abuse growing up, she’s a whole new person now that I’ve finally understood the joy in having a sibling, finally.
Maybe the same can happen for you and your mom..it’s worth the effort, if it doesn’t work out, at least you tried and you know.
don’t look back. people go to therapy for 20 years and never get your insight.
Way to go! I’m sorry she affected your life so negatively.
You do what you gotta do to be happy. Family is just a label, nothing more. Abusers never have a legitimate claim over you.
Wishing you all the best with your new adventures!!
I’m so happy that you’re free now, congratulations on your engagement!
15 years married…no wait you 27 ….or are you 24.
Your kids are 4 months or 6 days old?
Selfish isn’t always a bad word, and in this case, it’s a beautiful one! Good for you!
It wasn’t selfish. The way you described your egg donor makes me think she’s a narcissist and cutting contact is the one way to deal with them.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
I just read your title, and I was so stoked for you to finally stand up for yourself. I, too, went no contact with my entire bio family. Mom finally did it one month before my 40 rh bday 5 yrs ago now.
It will be difficult. You will realize more and more and say wrh why didn’t I see this sooner!
You’ll grieve a mom who’s still alive.
I’m telling you this so you aren’t surprised and so you be kind to yourself and don’t look back.
Go live your live and be safe!
My mother was a toxic, abusive, narcissist who physically, emotionally, and psychologically abused my siblings and I on a daily basis.
I was no contact with her for the last 19 1/2 years of her life. My only regret is that I did not go no contact with her sooner than I did.
Take care of yourself, OP. And never apologize (or feel guilty) for protecting yourself. You deserve to be loved unconditionally.
I feel you. I went NC with my Mother for a few years… or maybe EXTREMELY low contact. She ended up calling me and respecting my boundaries at the end, we talked one a week for maybe 5 minutes or so for a couple months before she died. ( I swear she suspected the end was near and she wanted Jesus points for talking to me.) When she died I started to tear up… but before even one tear fell, I realized I was not crying for her. I was about to cry because now she could never change and actually love me. The tears dried . And several years later I am sometimes sad I can never have the Mom I wanted, but not sad about the Mom she was being gone. I rarely think of her, and almost never anything goo. Just trying to show sometimes no Mom is better than the ones we were given. I am very proud of you for getting out of a toxic relationship. Stay strong and much love for you and your good man.
You made a brave, healthy choice protecting your peace isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.
I’m happy to hear this. I intend to abandon my abuser (mother) and when I do, I plan to change my entire name and my boys last name as well. I’m just waiting for a low income rental to be available and offered to me. Good for you. You should check out the book daughter detox: recovering from an unloving mother by peg Streep. I’m reading it now, but I don’t think I’ll get better until I’m out of here.
That’s wonderful, I wish you the very best for your future without that beast of a mother.
I am so happy for you! Omg the free felling you must have wow!!!
She’s jealous and has huge mental problems sorry the world is like that!
So proud of you
That’s incredible. You deserve freedom! I’m kinda of stuck in the middle of your situation atm too between my mum and I.
But yes. Good on you!
I’m proud of you! ❤️🥹