Knocking on my front door usually works.
Calling my mobile.
Sending me an e-mail or SMS.
Waving at me or saying something directed to me loud enough for me to hear.
Masturbate with divine purpose over my arrival for 3-and-a-half years prior to it.
A summoning circle made of Swedish Fish with Skittle accents with a box of puppies in the middle. 4 acolytes must bounce tennis balls at the 4 cardinal directions. Upon each bounce some of the summon circle human treats turn into puppy treats. When all have been converter I am summoned. Upon being summoned I must play with the puppies until they are adopted. Failure to adopt them before sundown and the acolytes get turned into cats.
Darken the room and place a Chipotle burrito on a comfortable bed. Turn the ac down real low and having a streaming service up… then say, free food three times fast.
Someone in need of a friend who is crying. Be prepared for hugs, positive affirmation, and a bad ass bitch who’s ready to throw down if need if you commence producing the ceremonial salt drops. 🌼💛
Light some incense. Light a circle of candles surrounding a computer, press the rune of power and pray to the machine spirit so that it activates. Some organic/living sacrifices may be required to appease the machine spirit. Only then will I be summoned.
An infinity sigil in cocoa, chocolate scented candles in each loop, patchouli insense. Moody Blues’ Knights in White Satin playing softly. My cat calling MOM. That should get me
In a sunny room, Brew a pot of breakfast blend, mix a protein smoothie, and utter the magic words: “it’s not fair. someone really oughta do something about this”
Give it 4 seconds until I crash through the door, Im not the quickest runner (not even very dangerous over short distances, if you get the reference)
Create a summoning circle with glitter in the shape of a triforce. Place frangipani scented candles in each corner of the triangles. Place a sacrifice of a cat (don’t kill it I want to pet it) in the center, and play Nosk from hollow knight. Call my name so I can find you.
A warm night with just the right amount of wind, stars for miles to be seen, the sound of waves crashing into the bank, and a blow-up air mattress in the bed of a truck.
place a apple topped cinnamon roll (MUST be warm at least, or hot) in the middle of a circle of 64 macarons which are all different flavors, and fill the circle with protein bars (WRAPPER ON, NOT UNWRAPPED), mini cupcakes (preferably uncommon flavors), and chateraise products (preferably mont blancs or those cute animal face desserts). then stand outside the circle and place a mixed bowl of cereal (apple cinnamon cheerios, cinnamon toast crunch, waffle crisp) and spin in a circle anti-clockwise 3 times while singing any song (except justin bieber songs because they get stuck in my head), amd i will appear from the ceiling and float down, hovering over the stuff. i’ll grant you a minor wish, except its not that helpful, something like helping you with chores or decorating your room, then i’ll bring the food used to summon me back to hell.
however this ritual can only be done once every 2 to 3 months because i take a while to eat the stuff you gave me, and i dont want to eat it all in one go or i’ll get really sick.
There’s a hardship you unfortunately endure. You are at your fullest most vulnerable state you have to offer. We talk, bond. Love you forever from then on out, even if you don’t. I’ll be here. 👋
The joke in my friend circle is if you want to summon a “Krystology,” all you need to do is put a can of olives in the fridge with a bowl and a Krystology will mysteriously appear. 😂
Play some early 90s CCM so you narrow down who might be interested in responding, put out some tortilla chips and medium and hot salsa, burn some frankincense resin, put on The A-Team, pour tart lemonade into a glass, and leave so I can have some alone time.
I’m the “tech” person in the family. The short answer is food. The long answer depends on who’s asking. If it’s my grandmother, no issue. Woman is in her 80s and actively wants to improve and learn about her technology. Smart lights, echos and even a lot of online shopping.
My dad, I need a six pack of beer and have to be careful, he and my mother like to send…pictures…
My mom, full home cooked meal. Love the woman to death, but goddamn she is bad with tech.
Extended family, depends on who I like and what they offer. One cousin gave me a tray of brownies to fix her switch’s joycon drift. Replaced the stick. Took twenty minutes and I got brownies.
Four extremely busty topless women – one hispanic, one blonde (possibly german), one Irish, one Caribbean islander.
The hispanic holds a tray of shrimp tacos and super thin tortilla chips with medium, not mild, salsa. She shall have a margarita as well. The tacos will have pico de gallo on them. The salsa and the pico de gallo shall not get mixed up. She should have a semi-transparent flowing skirt around her ample hips. Hoop earrings are optional, but should be gold to contrast with her knee-length raven-black hair.
The blonde is the bimboest bimbo you have ever seen. Think young Dolly Parton only slutty, her wavey hair free from highlights and falling just below her shoulders. She will have a cheeseburger made like Jimmy Buffett likes it. Look it up if you don’t know what I mean. She will have a 60 oz. light beer with her with a prominent foam head. She shall wear leiderhosen without the white shirt – only the suspenders. Lapis Lazuli studs are not optional.
The irish woman will have a large round loaf of warm, fresh soda bread and a hearty bowl of beef stew. The bowl will be ceramic with one of those handles on it. She will have a hot irish coffee laden with whisky ready for me. She shall be wearing a kilt. Her red pixie-cut hairstyle will not obscure her 5 carat emerald earrings, not optional. While she is busty, she is also the tallest and leanest of the four. Only she may have abdominal definition.
The caribbean islander is leading the ceremony. She has Puerto Rican pinchos, a bowl of paella, and fried plantains with a Bacardi rum and coke ready to give to me. She has a beautiful bushy afro haircut with dark brown hair. Her boobs are the most perky you have ever seen – the kind that do not move when she removes her top, and small of nipple, and in lieu of earrings she may opt to have nipple piercings. She wears a thong to show off that hard as marble booty. She also has the voodoo spellbook and basket of various effigies needed to summon me.
The women will place the food and drink around the pentagram circle, which the leader has drawn around a luxurious leather sofa. They will each in turn take the effigy of the following people – Guan Yu, a Minnesota Vikings fan, St. John the Baptist, and Grover from Sesame Street – and place them in a fire positioned exactly 58 degrees west of the sofa. This will summon my physical form.
To get my spiritual form and consciousness to appear, each must take a piece of food and drink, put them in my mouth while giving me a lapdance, and tell me one of the following things – how much the Chicago Bears suck, how terrifying porcelain dolls are, why the dachsund is the greatest dog breed in the world, and why it’s OK to kill ascended Astarion in every playthrough of Baldur’s Gate 3.
To complete the ritual, each will dump a one gallon container of pudding over me after the leader removes my shirt. The flavors, and order, are as follows – Lemon (blonde lady), vanilla bean (caribbean lady), flan (hispanic), and blood pudding (Irish). They will chant a spell from the voodoo spellbook.
You need a photo or statue of Kotone, Fatalis, May, Gore Magala and Dizzy. After getting those items, you just draw the Tyranid logo and place the items across the logo body.
Treguna Mekoides Tracorum Satis Dee
Treguna Mekoides Tracorum Satis Dee
I don’t want locomotiary substitution
Or remote intransitory convolution
Only one precise solution is the key
Substitutiary locomotion it must be
Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee
An 8 pointed star drawn on the ground, at the even numbered points, 4 different brands of .22 bullets. On the odd points, cat treats, a spool of 3d printer filament, a cookie, and a neat rock. Light a candle at the center and recite the opening lines from “hooked on a feeling”
Make a two meter pentagram on the floor with black powder.
Put on each of the points: double early 2000s Laphroaig 25, fat sativa blunt (just the tip touching the powder), the gas cap from a 65 AC Cobra, a piece of fresh seaweed and a live 7.62 NATO round.
Start reading aloud Mark Twain’s “Roughing It” from anywhere in the middle of the book.
Light up the pentagram with a zippo lighter, and when the smoke clears I’ll be there, hitting that blunt, drinking that Whiskey and probably giving you a back pocket lecture on Cold War foreign policy or treating tear gas exposure injuries in the field.
My husband comes home from school drop off and usually gets back in bed with me for ~30 minutes… I don’t ACTUALLY know how long because somehow he manages to snuggle me from wide awake into the deepest sleep of my life. Then, eons later, he comes in with a fresh cappuccino, iced latte, or pour over with the perfect amount of milk and the scent brings me back from whatever other dimension he had previously banished my consciousness to.
He’s literally trained me to get all happy and excited about him bringing me coffee. It’s the best.
Draw a circle with salt. Put a six pack of Dos Equis and a hot pile of French fries in the middle, along with a blu-ray copy of any Godzilla film. Play some synth wave music then vacate the premises immediately so I don’t have to have a conversation with you. And like magic, I will appear.
Comments
If there will be free food, rest assured that I will be there
Open a beer
✨️FREE FOOD✨️
And yes I am a graduate student
grind up some oxycontin and write my name on some glass with it
Up, down, left, right, R1, L1, X, triangle
Drop a hotdog on the ground so a stray cat can eat it.
Place a pile books in a circle with a coffee and some caramels.
Definitely beer and roasted meat
Food
Be a damsel in distress. I just can’t seem to help myself.
Dinner
Starter cranking and engine not combusting
That sound the spoon makes as it hits the sides of the glass as you stir chocolate Nesquik
Well you’ll need a goat, trumpet, a cross bow, somebody to paly the trumpet while someone goes like the this [wiggles fingers]
Draw a happy face, douse it with bug milk, say “Maloso vobiscum et cum spiritum!”
Or just say “WE GOT TEA, ITS TALK SHIT TIME” and I am THERE. BESTIES SUPPORT BESTIES
Knocking on my front door usually works.
Calling my mobile.
Sending me an e-mail or SMS.
Waving at me or saying something directed to me loud enough for me to hear.
Masturbate with divine purpose over my arrival for 3-and-a-half years prior to it.
Play music in a minor key or music that has dark undertones
A summoning circle made of Swedish Fish with Skittle accents with a box of puppies in the middle. 4 acolytes must bounce tennis balls at the 4 cardinal directions. Upon each bounce some of the summon circle human treats turn into puppy treats. When all have been converter I am summoned. Upon being summoned I must play with the puppies until they are adopted. Failure to adopt them before sundown and the acolytes get turned into cats.
The smell of pizza.
Cheese.
The promise of job security.
Darken the room and place a Chipotle burrito on a comfortable bed. Turn the ac down real low and having a streaming service up… then say, free food three times fast.
Netflix and chill?
Play some movie soundtracks and I’ll show up to offer commentary
Anything teriyaki
Exec autoexec.cfg
You must oven bake 6 pizza rolls to an internal temperature of 167°F and eat them all at once with no cool down time.
I will appear in your kitchen and offer you a glass of water from your own cupboard but not provide any wishes because I’m broke.
Stop eating fiber for 6-8 months. Suddenly start eating twice the daily amount of fiber.
Sound the horn.
bring out a horse and Ill be right there!
Pack of smokes, 12 pack of tall boys, diet soda, cheap weed, and burnout revenge for the ps2
Sassy insults.
“Want to bake something??”
Potatoes of some kind or food in general. Or free books and coffee
You must say
“Does anyone like BL?”
“WHO HERE LIKES RENT A GIRLFRIEND?”
And screaming in all caps summons me, just say my name.
Kinky women w/ sternum tattoos and nose piercings.
In the middle of the forest, with no others around, a wild fire roars.
The sound of Hershey’s bar opens, while marshmallows, Reese Cups and graham crackers dance under the moonlight.
Cheese, cold cuts and pate. In other words – a charcuterie board.
~ Eclipse
Spark a doobie and I will be there
Do I hear change jingling?
Someone in need of a friend who is crying. Be prepared for hugs, positive affirmation, and a bad ass bitch who’s ready to throw down if need if you commence producing the ceremonial salt drops. 🌼💛
An offer of BJ usually does it but it has to be from a non virgin female with two hands.
Just open a Voodoo Ranger & I’ll just appear
Threaten to throw away perfectly good leftovers.
“I’ll pay for you”
Sis-boom-bah
Belly dance
Be somewhere I’m not wanted. I’ll be there in a flash baby!
Play AC/DC , crack a Pilsner beer, and lite the bbq.
Aint got time for the rape age demons
Go outside and look at the moon, If its a crescent shape like in my profile picture stare at it for 20 seconds.
DO NOT DO THIS IF ITS RED! You might summon the other thing
And after 20 seconds i will spawn,
Abramelin. You go thru all that? Yeah, I’ll show up and eat your pussy out for an hour.
The smell of marijauna.
Pizza or bacon both work
10 pc McNugget meal
Diet Coke
A crisp ice cold Dr Pepper, llamas, a gaming computer, and fruit punch trulys or dos xx with salt. Maybe a society that isn’t crumbling too.
Paw paw power
Say the words “God Lived” backwards and read from the right to the left.
You say, oh look, a second hand bookstore.
List the 32nd, 26th, 16th, and 1st president in that order and I shall appear
Play “Children of the Omnissiah”
Light some incense. Light a circle of candles surrounding a computer, press the rune of power and pray to the machine spirit so that it activates. Some organic/living sacrifices may be required to appease the machine spirit. Only then will I be summoned.
Kid waking up on a school night and trying to hop into your bed.
Scary mum voice at that point. No yelling needed.
Go. Back. To. Bed. Now.
Chicken parm with rigatoni dinner, lord of the rings, and a peach Snapple
Put up some smoke signals (The Iraqi Shisha)
Cats, ramen, and Star Wars
Mooooooommmm
Big bag of 5 Guy french fries, a cold 6-pack of Dr. Pepper, some AC/DC….. and uh…. bubble wrap.
Crack open a cold one
Place fuzzy blankets on comfy couch. Place a stack of books and fresh coffee next to couch. Turn on Nemo’s Dreamscape on YouTube. Ope! There I come!
Play the bobs burgers theme song
An infinity sigil in cocoa, chocolate scented candles in each loop, patchouli insense. Moody Blues’ Knights in White Satin playing softly. My cat calling MOM. That should get me
I don’t wish to be summoned. But if you really need me, a 14” pepperoni pizza and $100 would be a good start.
Pajamas, snacks and a comfy bed
Beer
Chinese food or chicken wings, metal music, video games, energy drinks and a couch
Hockey works too
In a sunny room, Brew a pot of breakfast blend, mix a protein smoothie, and utter the magic words: “it’s not fair. someone really oughta do something about this”
Give it 4 seconds until I crash through the door, Im not the quickest runner (not even very dangerous over short distances, if you get the reference)
So lazy and depressed that I can’t be summoned. The incantation isn’t complicated I just can’t be bothered to show up.
In a secluded garden, scatter some cats and leave a hot smoker of brisket.
“I can’t finish this food, want an-… Oh there you are.”
Beer, burger, cat
Moths, coffee, and someone’s prosthetic leg
Chocolate or kittens or both.
Loud, unexpected noises nearby
Create a summoning circle with glitter in the shape of a triforce. Place frangipani scented candles in each corner of the triangles. Place a sacrifice of a cat (don’t kill it I want to pet it) in the center, and play Nosk from hollow knight. Call my name so I can find you.
Chocolate cake.
Biiig one.
A lemon old fashioned with a Fresca next to it.
Making toast
I just get sick of people counting to my name.
Are you ready for some football?!
Free Redlobester…
Or
A warm night with just the right amount of wind, stars for miles to be seen, the sound of waves crashing into the bank, and a blow-up air mattress in the bed of a truck.
Young women (21plus) on a mechanical bull
Set fire to a poster of any pop singer while doing the M Shadows Beast and the Harlot scream
place a apple topped cinnamon roll (MUST be warm at least, or hot) in the middle of a circle of 64 macarons which are all different flavors, and fill the circle with protein bars (WRAPPER ON, NOT UNWRAPPED), mini cupcakes (preferably uncommon flavors), and chateraise products (preferably mont blancs or those cute animal face desserts). then stand outside the circle and place a mixed bowl of cereal (apple cinnamon cheerios, cinnamon toast crunch, waffle crisp) and spin in a circle anti-clockwise 3 times while singing any song (except justin bieber songs because they get stuck in my head), amd i will appear from the ceiling and float down, hovering over the stuff. i’ll grant you a minor wish, except its not that helpful, something like helping you with chores or decorating your room, then i’ll bring the food used to summon me back to hell.
however this ritual can only be done once every 2 to 3 months because i take a while to eat the stuff you gave me, and i dont want to eat it all in one go or i’ll get really sick.
A good ole rub and tug
A tuna melt in a pita with Whiz as the cheese. The beeping of the microwave will reach my ears from anywhere in the solar system.
Purchase American Spirit blacks
There’s a hardship you unfortunately endure. You are at your fullest most vulnerable state you have to offer. We talk, bond. Love you forever from then on out, even if you don’t. I’ll be here. 👋
Chicken Biriyani 🍗
Open a fresh box of those frozen cream puffs and then start playing some post hardcore.
That’s one of your business, but let’s talk about that over some chicken wings, pork belly nibbles and beer.
“Wanna go get wings?”
Sweet coffee to tickle my nostrils
Ask “What’s the ritual to summon you?” Well here I am.
Look at the kitten!
Someone @ing me in discord
Bring coffee
Buy or bring raw cookie dough or any MCU movie
Shaking a chip bag and saying I have Alden’s swirl ice cream.
Yelling “Dad” and/or “hey asshole” works most of the time.
“Free beer” would work too but no one’s ever given that a try.
Amethyst, 3 cats, game controller, paint pouring supplies and lamb biryani, then yell:
REEEEOW!
The joke in my friend circle is if you want to summon a “Krystology,” all you need to do is put a can of olives in the fridge with a bowl and a Krystology will mysteriously appear. 😂
I’m pretty basic as a human. Tell me I can’t do something or be holding an animal I get to pat. Good food works as well.
skittle
Play Eurobeat, loud.
I’m not going to tell you. Where are you going to get elf blood anyway?
Food, drinks, weed. Present proof in a photo and drop your address.
Coffee
Shake a Dunkin iced coffee in one hand while holding a hello kitty plushee in the other and have Gilmore girls on tv.
voila I appear !
My dad whistling. Had me trained since like 4 years old. We latinos built different.
“Klaatu barada nikto”
Crack an ice-cold Dr Pepper.
Tell me you have a problem. Dont actually tell me what the problem is. I’m a sucker for curiosity and peace of mind.
If I hear a crisp cold Pepsi max can being opened
Grab a bottle of fine wine,
Caress and fondle it whilst reciting this rhyme…
Uncork and pour into a glass,
Tickle the air with humorous, dry sass…
Then speak,
‘I beseech thee, o’ mediocre one,
Come before me, and shine like a sun…
I ask for guidance and a laugh,
Over a tipple and a gaffe.’
Potato.
Play some early 90s CCM so you narrow down who might be interested in responding, put out some tortilla chips and medium and hot salsa, burn some frankincense resin, put on The A-Team, pour tart lemonade into a glass, and leave so I can have some alone time.
Call my phone or yell my name really loud from the other room
Say theres going to be beer
Open a can of Mountain Dew. I will appear behind you without a sound and no clear indication as to how I got in
I’m the “tech” person in the family. The short answer is food. The long answer depends on who’s asking. If it’s my grandmother, no issue. Woman is in her 80s and actively wants to improve and learn about her technology. Smart lights, echos and even a lot of online shopping.
My dad, I need a six pack of beer and have to be careful, he and my mother like to send…pictures…
My mom, full home cooked meal. Love the woman to death, but goddamn she is bad with tech.
Extended family, depends on who I like and what they offer. One cousin gave me a tray of brownies to fix her switch’s joycon drift. Replaced the stick. Took twenty minutes and I got brownies.
Money
I like Taco Bell more than your average person.
Open a pack of gushers
Four extremely busty topless women – one hispanic, one blonde (possibly german), one Irish, one Caribbean islander.
The hispanic holds a tray of shrimp tacos and super thin tortilla chips with medium, not mild, salsa. She shall have a margarita as well. The tacos will have pico de gallo on them. The salsa and the pico de gallo shall not get mixed up. She should have a semi-transparent flowing skirt around her ample hips. Hoop earrings are optional, but should be gold to contrast with her knee-length raven-black hair.
The blonde is the bimboest bimbo you have ever seen. Think young Dolly Parton only slutty, her wavey hair free from highlights and falling just below her shoulders. She will have a cheeseburger made like Jimmy Buffett likes it. Look it up if you don’t know what I mean. She will have a 60 oz. light beer with her with a prominent foam head. She shall wear leiderhosen without the white shirt – only the suspenders. Lapis Lazuli studs are not optional.
The irish woman will have a large round loaf of warm, fresh soda bread and a hearty bowl of beef stew. The bowl will be ceramic with one of those handles on it. She will have a hot irish coffee laden with whisky ready for me. She shall be wearing a kilt. Her red pixie-cut hairstyle will not obscure her 5 carat emerald earrings, not optional. While she is busty, she is also the tallest and leanest of the four. Only she may have abdominal definition.
The caribbean islander is leading the ceremony. She has Puerto Rican pinchos, a bowl of paella, and fried plantains with a Bacardi rum and coke ready to give to me. She has a beautiful bushy afro haircut with dark brown hair. Her boobs are the most perky you have ever seen – the kind that do not move when she removes her top, and small of nipple, and in lieu of earrings she may opt to have nipple piercings. She wears a thong to show off that hard as marble booty. She also has the voodoo spellbook and basket of various effigies needed to summon me.
The women will place the food and drink around the pentagram circle, which the leader has drawn around a luxurious leather sofa. They will each in turn take the effigy of the following people – Guan Yu, a Minnesota Vikings fan, St. John the Baptist, and Grover from Sesame Street – and place them in a fire positioned exactly 58 degrees west of the sofa. This will summon my physical form.
To get my spiritual form and consciousness to appear, each must take a piece of food and drink, put them in my mouth while giving me a lapdance, and tell me one of the following things – how much the Chicago Bears suck, how terrifying porcelain dolls are, why the dachsund is the greatest dog breed in the world, and why it’s OK to kill ascended Astarion in every playthrough of Baldur’s Gate 3.
To complete the ritual, each will dump a one gallon container of pudding over me after the leader removes my shirt. The flavors, and order, are as follows – Lemon (blonde lady), vanilla bean (caribbean lady), flan (hispanic), and blood pudding (Irish). They will chant a spell from the voodoo spellbook.
I am now successfully summoned.
Middle of the night offerings of fruit, honey, cheese. There should probably be wine there too. And candles everywhere.
According to my staff at work it is when they put their earbuds in.
Heavy coughing. (And/or breathing?) idk
You need a photo or statue of Kotone, Fatalis, May, Gore Magala and Dizzy. After getting those items, you just draw the Tyranid logo and place the items across the logo body.
Expose breasts. Put on Natraxas. Expose more breasts.
Wherever there is injustice, you’ll find me. Wherever there is suffering, I’ll be there. Wherever liberty is threatened you’ll find…mmmmm_cheese.
Klaatu, Barada, Nikto.
Edo Tensei, or bring me a gf I’m lonely 😭😭
money
Cracking open a cold Diet Dr. Pepper will do it.
With this sacred treasure…
Cup of coffee with cream. A little Debbie snack cake. Vape or Edible cannabis.
Open a beer
Gather enough gold and I promise you. I will come.
According to my wife it’s tilt your head back and say “Hunnnnneeeeee!”
Make me an offer i can’t refuse
Put the kettle on – if you also open a packet of biscuits it’ll speed up my appearance no end.
Set a plate of tacos out or some ramen and sushi out. Don’t forget the Lego!
Ice cream.
“Hey, what do you want from [insert favorite restaurant here]?”
You have to call me on the phone as you pull in and park at the Walmart parking lot.
You have to call me on the phone as you pull in and park at the Walmart parking lot.
Play the heaviest metal known to man. 🤘
Pour a large black coffee. Add a splash of cream and a teaspoon of sugar.
Load a bowl.
Put on some Pinback.
Scream an exasperated “FUCK” 3 times and I will be there
Treguna Mekoides Tracorum Satis Dee
Treguna Mekoides Tracorum Satis Dee
I don’t want locomotiary substitution
Or remote intransitory convolution
Only one precise solution is the key
Substitutiary locomotion it must be
Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee
Anything chocolate.
When opening multiple programs on my laptop or PC, using Microsoft button+ ⬅️ to have both programs open side by side.
Super sour candy spread in a circle around a controller with the Stardew Valley jntro music playing in the background.
The summoner must wear purple boxers and carry a sword and pickaxe.
The summoner must chant “We hate Demetrius.” Or “Down with JojoMart.” 3 times.
I only appear to distribute a prismatic shard before taking the sours and returning to my uncomfortable ghost bed.
An 8 pointed star drawn on the ground, at the even numbered points, 4 different brands of .22 bullets. On the odd points, cat treats, a spool of 3d printer filament, a cookie, and a neat rock. Light a candle at the center and recite the opening lines from “hooked on a feeling”
Mention aloud that you have “the bestest dog in the world” and our paths will align
Tell me 15 days in advance
“Hey, I need help with a spreadsheet/CAD/CNC thing!”
poof!
“How can I help? :D”
Make a two meter pentagram on the floor with black powder.
Put on each of the points: double early 2000s Laphroaig 25, fat sativa blunt (just the tip touching the powder), the gas cap from a 65 AC Cobra, a piece of fresh seaweed and a live 7.62 NATO round.
Start reading aloud Mark Twain’s “Roughing It” from anywhere in the middle of the book.
Light up the pentagram with a zippo lighter, and when the smoke clears I’ll be there, hitting that blunt, drinking that Whiskey and probably giving you a back pocket lecture on Cold War foreign policy or treating tear gas exposure injuries in the field.
Remember those people in Indiana Jones Temple of Doom? “Ohm ohm shaddah!” You just keep saying that progressively faster. I also have a cell phone.
This, and a bag of chips.
Deposit 5000 btc in the shape of a pentagram
Tres leches cake set out might lure me in lol
My husband comes home from school drop off and usually gets back in bed with me for ~30 minutes… I don’t ACTUALLY know how long because somehow he manages to snuggle me from wide awake into the deepest sleep of my life. Then, eons later, he comes in with a fresh cappuccino, iced latte, or pour over with the perfect amount of milk and the scent brings me back from whatever other dimension he had previously banished my consciousness to.
He’s literally trained me to get all happy and excited about him bringing me coffee. It’s the best.
Draw a circle with salt. Put a six pack of Dos Equis and a hot pile of French fries in the middle, along with a blu-ray copy of any Godzilla film. Play some synth wave music then vacate the premises immediately so I don’t have to have a conversation with you. And like magic, I will appear.
A cat. Any cat.