Better part of 12 years suffering mentally and emotionally due to heavily enmeshed, covert narcissist JNMIL & family- cutting off when we move and/or once youngest is 12 latest.

I think the damage to my health and the fact that covet narcissism and enmeshment is sooo sly and subtle you almost look crazy trying to prove it have just done me in.

We live 10 mins from my ILs.. all FOUR.. mob mentality bullies but with a smile on their face. All the kindness and understanding I’ve given over the years just to be treated like crap and I’m pushing 40 now and I’m done. My health is taking a severe hit.

Getting my husband to move was like pulling teeth but he finally got on board.. I now realize his mom was subtly sabotaging him this entire time mentioning losing health care.. probationary periods.. she is a huge domineering, intrusive bully who makes sure her “papi querido “ knows he can’t do life without her. It is so sick and I always knew she was a pain but never had a word for why I felt so off with his whole family and why we fought so much.. ENMESHMENT.. now I know what it is.. it sounds like a harmless word too.

We had a huge trauma and it’s like he’s terrified to move again (he hasn’t said this but I pick up on it) but life is short and in his industry (utilities) jobs usually are government or city and pay medical and pension.. which would be a huge financial relief for us.. so I’m going to push forward and tell him we gotta go. I think he knows this deep down too but his mom has crippled him beyondf belief. She took this last trauma and totally crippled him to death mentally and it’s sad. He doesn’t realize I see that.

I’m going to play along and act like all is fine and not mention the fact I plan on only inviting his family out once a year but the first time I do I’m going to ensure there are so many boundaries and I say so much to his mom she explodes and that will be my reason to not invite them back again

He will be crippled with shame and guilt as usual and likely hate displeasing his mommy and even say but what about the kids? And there is no way in hell my kids are going to be alone with these people.

So I am waiting either until we’ve been gone a year and they are all wayyy past being legal residents in our new state and/or until she blows up or does the next stupid thing.. either way I had this fear of having to wait until my youngest is 12 but I won’t if we get out of here .. he’s not going to want to divorce and split bc mommy won’t be there to come save the day .. unless she moves out there but I have read that I can put in court documents first right of refusal and drastically cut down on an in law free for all.

Here is my thing. I think it’s highly likely all my kids (ages 6-11) are going to want to cut his family off by the time they are teens. My son already does now.. my 9 year old daughter does too but she’s very nervous to do so .. so it might take years of therapy with her but I’m going to back them..

Has anyone does this with a DH who is in the fog and you and the kids all cut toxic in laws off be for they hit 18? I can’t wait or do this another 12 years and want my life back.. I’ve put up with this 11-12 years too long..

Also.. how did things look for you as the kids got older and had their graduations,. Maybe got married or had grandkids ? There is no way I want to cut them out just to still have to see them and I’m trying to anticipate future events .. what things would be unavoidable? I can’t think of much.