Lately I felt nostalgic about my high school crush. So I googled him and found out that he’s married. You can guess what’s next: I compare myself and feel miserable.
In general I was fine with my life. But seeing him happy with his wife and his life makes me feel inadequate. His wife is pretty and seems extroverted. They seem to be thriving (new house, traveling abroad regularly etc) with their business service where they sell entrepreneurship skills to young people. And their life is the success story they sell on social media. I keep looking at my weaknesses in the comparison of this cool girl. She is full of life and dreams. I am introverted and naturally private and instead of trying to date guys or getting a car or a house, I still live with my parents and try to save my paychecks well. She is beautiful and her hair looks smooth and she is photogenic too. (It seems like the guy was extremely lucky. For instance, he got laid off during covid and the girl kinda guided/led him to start business and become an entrepreneurship mentor and now they’ve become the power couple that motivate and coach young people about entrepreneurship etc).
For years I silently had crush on him and wanted his approval. I liked him in high school but he was mean and called me ugly to his friends which wounded me so much. I think I have moved on though I still have breakdowns occasionally (I don’t know why I am so fixated on him and high school). But seeing him married with someone kinda makes me feel worthless again. I keep hearing voices like, “See? His life wouldn’t be as amazing if he chose you and married you. Look at your mediocre life which is just accepting things instead of striving and dreaming big.” (As in: I am such an employee minded person who wouldn’t inspire/lead him to get a bigger income and a better life.)
tldr: Stalked my former crush who used to bully in high school, he lives happy and in love, and now I feel shit.
Comments
Yeah but why would they air anything negative on social media? I know couples who look picture perfect on social media and then irl they’re a fucking nightmare and I genuinely wouldn’t wish my worse enemy to be in a relationship like that. A man who puts you down and calls you ugly is not worth this much real estate in your head. I would consider it a big win that I’m alone rather than with a dude like that no matter how great his life seems on social media.
You asked how to decenter men, the answer is to focus on yourself. If you’re unhappy with some parts of you, the great thing is that you can probably work on making them better. Go on dates if you feel like you want practice in interacting with other people, keep saving money if you want to meet whatever financial goals you have, work on making friends if you feel lonely. Just leave shitty men in the past where they belong
I think you should consider therapy to build some self-esteem. You have put a lot of energy into building up a stranger via pictures (remember, these are highlight reels) to then compare yourself in a way where you know you would fall short in your own eyes. Block them both so you can’t keep tabs on them. This kind of comparison is like self-harming (I’ve heard the term “emotional cutting” for this type of scenario).
It’s natural to be curious what people are up to all these years later, but seeking out a former bully is like poking a bruise. Even if it had started to heal, you’ve set yourself back by applying pressure on what needs to be either left alone or cared for tenderly.
The wife being an apparent extrovert doesn’t mean it’s bad to be an introvert. Her having dreams doesn’t mean you can’t dream too. Prior to the deep dive, you didn’t know this woman existed; your life doesn’t need to suddenly be measured against hers just because you’ve learned a name and seen a face.
Please be kind to yourself, even if it’s hard at first. It is a skill that takes time to build but will help immensely.
Social media is not real life.
You should consider seeing a therapist.
This is a textbook scenario to bring up with a therapist. You deserve to feel better!
OP two of my crushes (grade school and high school) are now married and my college crush is more successful in his career than me. Yes I’ll admit that it sometimes makes me feel some type of way but it’s also been a motivator.
I know it’s cheesy to say that there’s someone for everyone but honestly I believe it. Besides there are definitely more attractive and more mature men out there. Or at the very least seeing them moved on and married has pushed me to go for what really makes me happy.