I’m on the wrong side of 40 and my life just hasn’t worked out. I did what I was supposed to – studied hard, made good choices, was fair and kind to others. All I ever wanted was a family. I asked every first date I’ve gone on as an adult whether they wanted kids. I knew it was what I wanted and I didn’t want to fall in love with someone who wasn’t sure. I met my first husband in my mid-20s. After a few years we married and we finally had enough money to try for a baby in my late 20s. After a few years of trying, we started talking about seeing a doctor. Then he died in a freak accident. I was in my early 30s.
Afterwards, I did what I was supposed to. I had my ovarian reserve checked to see if I needed to freeze eggs to preserve my fertility. I took time to grieve, both my husband and the children with his features we never got to have. I threw myself into work and counseling and friends. After a few years, I felt ready to try again. I knew I really wanted a husband and a family and to raise children.
I fell in love and got married to a man who also wanted a family. A year after our wedding and while we’re trying to conceive my second husband has a life-threatening medical event. He recovers slowly, and at this point I’m pushing 40. We start doing IVF. Our case is unusual and the doctors keep trying to force us into cookie-cutter treatments. I stress, I research, I advocate for us. I keep going thru procedure after procedure with no luck. I’m now in my early 40s and my window is closing. I’ve had multiple miscarriages, we’ve spent a lot of money, and I’m mentally and physically exhausted from the hormones and procedures.
My husband wants to stop. He’d be happy without kids. Ive never wanted anything else. Raising kids was what I wanted for my life. I love my husband, but that isn’t enough to fill the hole left by the purpose I have always felt regarding raising a kid. Telling me I need to stop wanting this is like telling me I need to be a different person.
I feel pitiable and pathetic. All I wanted is something most people take for granted. Something that happens to them on accident. My life has been a waste. It’s tragic. Biology is biology and time lost cannot be regained. If it doesn’t happen for me I don’t know how I feel anything but shame, bitterness, and regret.
I’m so scared of the day we get to the end of trying and I have to face that future.
Comments
I’m sorry you’ve gone through all of that. Is adoption an option for you?
Ogeez. that doesn’t seem fair. I’m sorry. I’ve never wanted children so I cannot say I understand but I can say that all the things you’ve experienced make you the person you are and I think you sound smart kind and generous.
i would keep trying, all it takes is one
I know everyone suggests therapy but if you are not seeing a therapist you should. A therapist isn’t going to make you feel different about wanting to have a child but could help you navigate your emotions and how to move forward. You have been through a lot of trauma! Your first husband dying, your second husband going through a life threatening medical event, miscarriages, and IVF. One of those things is lot.