I saw the people who were desperate to be in a relationship with ridicule and now I am in their place. I swear curses are real. Fate did something.

I scoffed at people who thought the meaninglessness of their lives will disappear if they get a gf or bf (it’s more gf than bf, let’s be honest). I scoffed at the ones who would see a couple and make seppuku jokes, when i just thought love was sweet, from a distance. I thought they were all so so dumb. How can you not see after the rush, the newness, you will meet this person’s problems- and now you have double the amount of conflict and hurt rolling in your head? Why can’t you see you have to learn how to be alone, otherwise you will attract losers just like you? Most importantly, the worst way to get into a relationship is to be desperate for it.

And here I am, it’s been a month an i can’t get rid of this feeling that all my life problems will be solved if i can find someone else to live life for, if someone else can tell me how to be better, i will do it for them, if i can just have an opportunity to love someone and them love me- life will be worth it. And this all shit started because a stranger talked nicely to me, or kinda half flirted or full flirted or something and we went away on our paths. But I just felt like oh i want a guy to talk nicely to me everyday. And I want us to fight and speak our minds. I want to really get to know someone to their depth. And I want to share all my nice things with them- my books, ice cream, my songs, my evening walks, my eating places, my exercise routine, my thoughts and feelings and ideas and hobbies. Because I am doing it all alone but I want to share so bad.

One whole damn month. Wasted in this longing towards fucking emptiness.