I am an 18 year old girl with autism. My whole life, I’ve had trouble connecting with people. Growing up, I only tended to have one friend at a time, though they were usually a bully I followed around and the friendships were more of a mutual exchange with them having someone to pick on and boss around and me having someone to tell me what to do and say. All I’ve ever wanted is for people to like me. I give everything to try to make people like me. But at some point, everyone will realize how annoying I am or that I don’t know how to say the right words or do the right things. I am afraid to be my own person, having lived as a shadow for so long. I’ve also been sick my whole life, I was born a preme and once I entered the age where that stopped giving me health issues, I was diagnosed with t1d. Half my life has been hospital rooms, doctor visits, psychiatry and therapist appointments. It’s difficult to know who you are when everyone is so keen on telling you who you should be.
I am so lonely. I have a couple friends, close friends, and I love them dearly, I am very grateful for them. I just feel this lack of connection. I’ve never looked someone in the eyes and felt as if they were really seeing me. Or that I could understand them. My world feels so detached from everyone else’s. I genuinely feel as though nobody could understand what it’s like to live in my mind. I just want a friend, I think. Someone who thinks about me as much as I think about them. And someone who I feel like can understand my mind. I don’t know how to love people without obsessing, because I get overwhelmed with a desperate urge to understand them. I feel like I need to know every part of them, see every emotion and expression they have to offer, to connect with them. But I am beginning to think the connection I’m searching for does not exist. I am worried I will never be seen. How do people find each other? How do I know if there is someone out there who would understand me completely? I don’t care about romantic love or anything at this point, I just don’t want to feel so alone in this world.
this is rambly and I apologize if it doesn’t make much sense, I just was hoping I am not the only one who feels like they live on another planet from everyone else.
Comments
I feel this on so many levels. No social issues diagnosed outside anxiety but I do truly feel all of these struggles and I’m sorry, no one deserves to feel alone like this 💛 I truly hope you can escape your mental prison and find the connection you seek so deeply
Im feeling similarly too. I’m feeling stuck. Idk who else to word it. Idk if it’ll help but I don’t mind chatting with you if you want.
Well, you’re not alone you’re here with all your Internet, brothers and sisters. Many of us are introverts on the spectrum and much more so I’d say you found your tribe here.
Not sure I feel it to the level you do, but I do get it a lot.
I just started college this year, and I feel like I’ve made no close friends, and all I do is sit in my dorm and pass the time on my own, and it really sucks a lot.
it’s so weird how this is the first post i see on this account and it’s the most relatable thing i’ve read on this app (except the hospital part), i’ve gave up on trying to make connections at this point because i know i’ll never feel like anyone else.
I had to turn 40 to get a diagnosis (AuDHD) and join a neurodivergent group at university (back to get a third degree) to finally find people who see me. For the first time ever it feels natural hanging out with people, talking, making friends. None of us look the other in the eyes much, lol, but we still SEE each other. It’s amazing.
What I mean with this: find a group of fellow neurodivergent folks in your area, it might be a similar experience, I very much hope so!! All the best! ❤️
Ive been this way my whole life. I had a sudden moment last year while in the car that all the people around me who are doing well are super positive people. I’ve always bragged about expecting the worst, but looking back, if I’m truly honest with myself, 99% of my problems were caused DIRECTLY by me moping. Id avoid stuff, ghost people, ruin fun days out, put way too much unrealistic pressure on people and events and places and things… I set myself up for failure.
I started changing my inner world and my outer world changed. I can send you a link to the playlist of videos I used to set myself on this journey, but after starting this journey my life changed literally overnight and its been like 6 months and I still feel like a completely different person.
Life is a lot better when you realize that the only person requiring you to feel all these feelings it you. You start noticing it. You start noticing that without changing, you naturally take the steps you need.
Suddenly I have 4-5 ish good friends who consistently see and talk to me on a weekly basis at least. Im married. Im happy. Im motivated. I love my job. I love my life. I still live in the same house as my emotionally manipulative father (very temporarily) and yet every day I get excited to wake up and excited to go to bed. I cannot believe this is my life. I have been s*icidal for almost every single day of my life on this earth, and now I’m free. I did this myself, inwardly, with zero help, zero classes, just a lot of YouTube and pondering.
Tl;dr: I was an emotionally abused and isolated kid who chased pain and heartache subconsciously for years and woo woo shit changed my life, send me a message for a link to my manifestation playlist
I’ll be all your friends!