I’m so fucking angry. Angry at him, angry at myself, angry at this broken fucking world.
He was almost done with his degree. One more semester. He had a job lined up – something he was actually excited about. We stayed up late at night dreaming about our future.
And then he started slipping away.
He would cry to me at night. I’d just hold him in my arms and ask him what was wrong. He would always say he was tired. Stressed. Burnt out. I believed him. I didn’t want to push. I thought if I just stayed close, it would pass. I helped him study and tried to be there for him. He stopped initiating with me. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought he was falling out of love with me.
After he died, I found the note he left behind.
That’s how I found out the truth.
He had been raped.
In the note, he said he didn’t want to tell anyone. That he was ashamed. That he thought if he told me, I would stop loving him.
And reading that I cried so hard. It shattered something in me forever.
Because he was wrong. I never would have stopped loving him. I would have done anything – anything – to make him feel safe again.
And now he is gone. And the monster of a man who hurt him still gets to walk around like nothing ever happened.
I miss him so much it physically hurts.
I hate myself for not pushing harder. For not seeing it. For letting him down when he needed me the most.
He deserved a better world.
He deserved a better me.
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I know this is easier to say than to internalize but this is not your fault. You did everything exactly as right as you could have possibly done. This world is what’s messed up and wrong, but you are a point of light in the darkness like a star, and you were his whole sun. I’m so so so sorry for your loss.
This is not your fault.
I send u all the hugs in the world. U did what u were supposed to and more. My condolences and fuck man, if yall got sum to talk about TELL US. like op said – we won’t stop loving u. We are the change we want to see
I encourage you to take that note to the police. Perhaps the monster of a man will face some charges.
I am sooo so sorry, honey.
this is crazy this pops up because I am dealing with a lot of survivors guilt from my fiance’s passing last year. he passed away in my arms at 43. and then about 3 days ago my boyfriend of 6 years right before him died of an overdose. you are going to feel a lot of emotions a lot of anger and a lot of guilt and shame. please know you’re not alone in these feelings and your mind is going to tell you some crazy things in the beginning. it is not your fault, there’s nothing more you could have done, and I’m so so sorry you were going through this. just please make sure to try and at least drink water, and eat little bits here and there. it’s going to be hard for the first little bit but you can do this. there’s some great subreddits on here for suicide bereavement and grief support groups. I highly recommend you join that and start playing Tetris. I know it sounds crazy but look up Tetris and ptsd. 🖤🖤🖤
I don’t have words that can make any of this better, but I read what you wrote, and I want you to know it hit me hard. You didn’t let him down. You loved him, and you stayed. You did what anyone could have done in your position, with the pieces you had. He kept the deepest pain hidden because shame does that to people, and that’s not your fault. I’m sorry this world failed him. And I’m sorry it’s still failing you. You shouldn’t have had to carry this.
Please OP, take that note to the police station. His rapists deserve to be held accountable, for what they did to him, to you, to everybody who loved your boyfriend.
The toll of sexual violence on our families — collective happiness — the fricking GDP is so staggering
And the rapists shoulder almost none of their own debt
Please get justice. This is not your fault. Or his fault. Find your power
Oh, this just broke something in me. The world can be so unfair. I’m legit crying 😭. May he rest in peace and my condolences to you and his family and friends. This is so heartbreaking, I literally have no words 💔
Jesus this was heartbreaking to read. I am so so sorry but this is truly not your fault and I know you may not believe that but you did everything you could’ve done, were supposed to do, and more. Is it possible to take the note to the police? Is there a way that monster can be identified?
This a bot
*Language models prompting reactions for measurement. The preliminary draft of findings from the university/lab should be stickied at the cmv sub.
I’m so very sorry for your loss 💐
I’m so sorry. I grieve with you. Maybe you can take this and use it as a spark to light a fight for advocacy. Speak out, campaign to erase the stigma surrounding sexual assault, especially male sexual assault. Maybe you can help the next young man make a different decision. Above all this isn’t in any way your fault. Only the monster who did this is to blame. Wishing you peace and healing.
My heartbreaks for you, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope one day that monster sees justice
Someone downvoted what I said… what kind of sicko does that?
As someone who almost ended up like your boyfriend, this is not your fault. As someone who has been where you are as well, it is still not your fault. I was lucky in that I felt the desire to die, but always realized how my death would affect my loved ones. That was the only thing that kept me from doing it.
You did your best with what you had. You tried to support him. He wouldn’t let you. That doesn’t mean he’s not a victim, but it does put some responsibility on him. Anger is a very natural feeling in this kind of situation. So is guilt. And grief. And all sorts of other emotions. Please don’t try to carry this by yourself. And please take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry, I hope one day you can heal from that, you will never forget but please, don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault.
My condolences and I’m sending you all the online hugs possible from where I am, if you need someone to talk to please don’t be afraid to dm me. I would highly recommend a professional as well if you need. Don’t keep it bottled. The guilt and the sorrow although inevitable, can hurt a lot physically and mentally.
You helped him so much, holding and being there when he needed, it sucks it ended that way but you did everything possible.
I know you might not want to hear this but when we go through something like that, being there for us is enough and sometimes even when you are, the pain is too big to bear. I hope one day the person responsible goes to jail.
NEVER EVER think this is your fault in any way shape or form. It’s NOT! Be the best person you can be as he would want you to be. It’s tragic but you are alive. Live
I am so sorry for what you and your boyfriend went through.
As a female survivor, I always thought men would
have a harder time because of the shame and lack of resources.
Did he share the name of his rapist? If he knew him or your BF wrote where it happened, you could always file a report with the police.
Nothing would necessarily come of it, but rapists don’t usually do it once.
May you be wrapped in love and warmth.
Man this so soul crushing,I’m so so sorry for your loss 😟💔
All I can think is this is fake based off that scandal that happened over at iirc
TrueOffMyChestChangeMyViewI am so damn sorry. Suicide adds such a huge amount sadness, anger and bewilderment. Death is hard enough. When my nephew committed suicide in November his note said he died a hated man. That could not be further from the truth but that is what he thought. What happened with you is so much worse because you would have never stopped loving him and I am sure you never will. Let yourself feel as much anger, frustration, devastation because you are allowed to grieve however it is best for you. I am so sorry he is gone. It is absolutely not your fault. You could not have done anything to help because he couldn’t tell you. Bless his heart. My sincerest condolences 💔
I’m so sorry for your loss. May he Rest In Peace. Remember, it’s not you’re fault, it’s the rapist’s fault. Sending you all the hugs in the world.
Sending you so much comfort, it wasn’t your fault.
That is so sad. Nothing you could have done would have changed the pain. I hope he is in a better place and free of pain.
He was smart about not telling you that.
With all the stories of men being shit on just by telling the truth I’d probably do the same. Welcome to society.
I am so so sorry for your loss and what happened to your bf. He did not deserve this at all. And like others said please do not blame yourself. You were there for him but you didn’t know. You did everything right.
Please seek someone to talk to so you can give this a place.
I’m sorry for your loss
I am so sorry for the both of you.
“I’m sorry” is an understatement, I couldnt imagine what that must feel like. Something like that happening would be one of my biggest fears. I hope you have friends and family to support you through this. Everyone else here has said it but i will repeat it: none of it is your fault, and your boyfriend is not blaming you either. Even if you knew, there is very little another human can do to fix someone elses broken mind. You were there for him, nothing else you could have done. It’s okay to be mad. Remember that you deserve better too, you are a victim as well. Take care of yourself.
This is so sad… I wish you peace and healing. 😞
Please don’t take on any blame. I say that knowing that you will anyway. My little sister and I found out mother after she killed herself and I have spent my entire life wallowing in an unproductive ocean of it.
You can’t hold yourself accountable for knowing things you were never told. I just hope that the person who caused this is brought to justice. That should be your focus. Your BF absolutely would not want you feeling like you failed him…because you didn’t. It was just too much for him to share.
My sincerest condolences for your loss.
Be sad, miss him, do all that until it might hurt a bit less someday.
But dont blame yourself, it really is not your fault.
I know it might not feel like it, but you did your best OP. You’re not a mind reader. You did what you could with what you knew. I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️🩹🫂
U should tell the police! It may not do anything but at least u tried
Problem this world has is taking men seriously when it comes to SA and Rape.
I tried getting help here for my extreme SA.
I thought if anywhere would understand reddit should the hate I got called a liar or deserved to say I tried telling my father his look wasn’t sympathy but just a look of shame that I didn’t stick up for myself I will never recover from it I can still feel his hand gripping my thigh i jerk away and immediately grabbing my dick i froze I’m not gay I didn’t even have a thought deer in lights scared started showing him in explicit photos trying to get help was non existing finally body just unlocked I ran outside into woods to cry alone only for my mother to find me wanting to know wth I told her if she didn’t leave me alone something bad will happen I was broken still am I keep questioning why didn’t my body let me LEAVE?
And now here you are sharing his private letter to the internet……nice! I bet he’d to hear that
I’m so sorry. 😞 this breaks my heart
I’m here for you. I just recently lost my boyfriend to suicide. The navy told us it was hazing. I got diagnosed Mono right after he died, so we are growing increasingly worried he experienced SA in the navy as well. We will never know, we can only pray he didnt, because he never told us. He also always came home stressed and burnt out. He didn’t cry, but he started coming home at 9-9:30 every night instead of 6 for months on end. He would sit in his car for 30min after he got home and then would come inside and doom scroll till he slept. I feel guilty not seeing the signs earlier and not being able to help him. But it’s also not our sole responsibility either, he needed professional help and so did your partner.
I understand the frustration and betrayal. It’s ok to be angry with him. We just have to hope they found peace after, even if it means they left us behind. You will always love him, and the love makes grieving hard but he is worth your tears. I felt the same way you do, and I won’t tell you it’s your fault because we all know it’s not but YOU need to understand that it’s not your fault (working on this myself). You did everything you could. You gave him your all when you were available. You loved him and forever will and he knows that now. He is in a better place now, free from pain.
Just remember to stay strong, and keep moving forward. It’s really friggen hard. My partners death has changed me as a person, deeply, and has given me lots of struggles and I resent him for leaving me behind to deal with it. But I also know I’m strong, stronger than he is and I will live on and enjoy life while enjoying his memory rather than wallow and miss him. That was his choice, and I can disagree with it all I want but it won’t change anything. I’m gonna pummel him when I see him on the other side tho 🤜🫷
Most importantly, don’t let folks try to tell you not to be angry. Whether it’s at yourself, him, or anyone else. The anger is real and valid. Don’t let it consume you, but you have to feel it out. Feel all the emotions out.
Finally, note from my therapist, any grieving you do under the influence you have to do again Sober so try not to use any substances for now. We will get through this dude, one day at a time. Sorry for the mini essay.
Thank you for not doing the dumb censorship crap and actually saying “killed” and “raped.”
This is not your fault. What you will need to learn is that suicidal ideation is not a rational thought process. He didn’t kill himself because of something you did to make him feel unloved, he felt that way because his brain chemistry was preventing him from feeling loved. I’m sorry for your loss, and hope you get some therapy or grief counseling to help you heal.
I’m so very sorry 😞
This happens more often than not and I feel so sorry for the victims.
But this is a bot and a fake post. Shame. This profile was made today.
I know telling you this won’t make much difference to you, because you probably won’t believe me. It’s not you fault at all. It isn’t his either. He dealt with it the best he could, and you did your best with the info you had. I don’t think that rape was something that ever crossed your mind as a reason for his discomfort. So unless he told you, there’s no way you could’ve even fathom the level of distress. Blaming yourself or feeling responsible for something you had no idea of is not fair to you. I didn’t know him, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t blame you either and left the note so you new it had nothing to do with you and he loved you. He was scared and suffering for what that monster did to him. Feeling scared that your loved ones would judge you or stop loving you isn’t uncommon, added to it that he probably judged and had trouble loving himself after that. And you need to know that even if you knew and supported him, there’s no guarantee he wouldn’t have done this.
I’m incredibly sorry for what you are going through and give you my sincere condolences.
I strongly advice you go to therapy because something like this is not a thing you should deal with on your own.
Ps: you should go to the police and see what they can do.
I understand how you’re feeling to some degree. I can’t relate to how you feel about what happened specifically. I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling and can only just try to be supportive. But I do understand how you’re feeling when you feel like you should have done better or been a better “me”
As someone who constantly falls into that same trap, I understand that this will likely not help at all. It never has for me, but I will still try: it’s not your fault. You supported him when he needed it. You asked how he was feeling. You held him while he cried. You did everything right. The only thing you could have done more was read his mind, but that’s not possible
It’s easy to focus on the “what ifs” and “should haves”, trying to make sense of a chaotic world without pattern. It’s easier to blame ourselves than to blame the situation. Not your bf, but everything that led to it. Because if we blame ourselves, there’s at least something we can do about it, but if we face the truth and blame the situation, we feel even more powerless than before. You can’t yell at the situation, but we can yell at ourselves. We can’t punish something we can’t see or touch, so it’s easier to punish ourselves
But that’s not how it should be. You shouldn’t be punishing yourself because it’s easier. It does nothing good to anyone. Would your bf want you to feel this way?
Easier said than done, but you need to stop blaming yourself for things out of your control. There’s always something we all can do better about every single situation we’re in, but we’re only human, so we can’t be perfect
I know this likely won’t help, but I hope it does. I hope you can, at the very least, stop blaming yourself soon, and I hope the rapist is found soon and gets what he deserves, for your bfs and your own sake.
I’m sorry dude, this is not your fault.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think one of the worst things about losing someone to suicide is all the “what ifs”
>Account made today
>only one story on here
>Weird randomly generated Name
Oh boy time for the next fake Story
This has the cadence of clickbait and was posted by an account that was created today. It screams fake. You all are way too gullible.
Yikes my condolences…..
Wish words I try to live by; you make decisions with only the information you had at the time of making them. You can’t know in advanced and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for not knowing something you couldn’t have possibly known without being told. Take care, OP. And I’m so sorry for your loss.
So you find out and instantly go to Reddit to make a post, good AI post bro
Please report the abuse to the police and talk to a therapist or counselor. This is something that you should not have to face alone. Please find a support group for help.
My wife, who was AMAB, was raped by a woman as a child. I think the reactions she got, how others treated her about it, was the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. Not even the rape itself was as bad. Society is so fucked up about male rape victims. 😞
There was a post from a guy recently who also got SA’d, and his girlfriend did leave him almost immediately. she ghosted him, blocked him on all communication, and refused to see him again.
I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs
This is not your fault!!!
man, i wish i knew what to type but i don’t i can’t imagine the pain, i’m so sorry for what you experienced, if i could offer a lunch or something i would, i do hope you take care of yourself and do something small for yourself to feel a tiny bit better, please be safe
I hope you are getting professional help through all of this. It’s not your fault this happened.
I am so sorry. I wish we lived in a better world so men don’t have to feel that way when raped.
As a woman I am sorry for men who don’t get justice.
I just want to preface this: This is NOT. YOUR. FAULT.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You did your best. It was his decision to make, it was his decision to keep the information from you.
Now, why did he do all of it.
You know the statistic that states “men are less likely to report sexual assault than women”? There is a reason for this. I say this as a man who has been sexually assaulted many times to varying degrees: no one will listen to you. Your closest bros will give you a “that sucks man” at best. Your girl friends, especially if you’ve been sexually assaulted by other women, will stay silent, or worse, will claim that men can’t be sexually assaulted. Authorities, RAs, they will tell you you have no proof, then they can do nothing about it. The general public loooove to make light of sexual assault on men, joking openly about it like its funny. Its a lonely, heartbreaking experience, and very scary.
He was very lucky to have you. For you to hold him and love him unconditionally. I’m so sorry he chose to end it all over confiding with you and trying to get help. Losing someone you love is a pain like no other. I don’t agree with what he did but I understand it, as someone who has suffered like him.
Be gentle with his soul. Know that he loved you, and he knew you loved him until the very end.
I dont trust in any of these stories anymore. Could be all artificial intelligence.
it’s not ur fault
Yes this is infuriating, etc, but telling her to go to the police is cruel. You guys are delusional if you think anything will happen when there is no evidence, and especially when there is no victim to prosecute. It’s extremely difficult to make a good rape case as it is when there if a fully cooperating victim who went straight to the rape clinic to get evidence collected. This woman is in enough pain and giving her a false sense of hope of justice could push her over the edge.
It is what it is. Reddit is littered with stories of men opening up to the ladies in their life only for them to weaponize it against them. This person reacted to the world around him. If you truly cared about your boyfriend, honour him by advocating for mental health and support. And make damn sure that if a man feels safe enough to express his true emotions to you, that you never use what they tell you against them in any shape or form and that includes gossiping about it with your girlfriends.
God damn that’s heartbreaking.
Find those you trust to confide and feel your grief.
Just reading this made me livid.
My heart is with you OP 🥺❤️🩹
I know what I’m about to say is only out of anger, and will probably get deleted due to its context, but FUCK whoever did this to him. I’m literally in tears, and I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. So many times I’ve found myself in a similar mindset. You did everything you could, and I’m so absolutely sorry that for some reason, he felt like he couldn’t say anything. And the fact that he thought you wouldn’t love him any more? Ugh. It literally breaks my heart. I wish you and his family all of the best. I’m sure he was an amazing guy.
Be angry at the one who’s truly guilty.
Make sure he doesn’t walk free.
I’m so sorry
OP, I’m truly sorry this happened.
Please remember that this is not his fault. He is not a “coward”, he did not betray you. Illnesses of the mind are still real illnesses, and they can be just as lethal as illnesses of the body.
If the note mentions the attacker by name, please bring it to the police. Even if they only put a report on the attacker’s record, that’s still something. You won’t feel like you didn’t try.
From personal experience, time and therapy can help. You will get to a point where you can remember good times with your late boyfriend and not feel overwhelming sorrow.
This is the saddest thing I ever heard in my life. You poor thing. Stay strong!!
This is so painful read. I’m so so sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Please take the note to the police and file a report.
i am beyond sorry. words don’t describe how sorry. please don’t blame yourself- you did not know.
If you know who it is, you could always give us that info to dox him… wouldn’t mind doing some justice.
Im so so sorry this happened, I won’t tell you it gets easier, but breathing gets a little bit easier after a while. Live for him, go to places you guys loved or he loved, and never got to. Bring him with. Reach out if you ever need anything.
This broke me to read. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a male survivor of 3 sexual assaults, and only recently did I find the courage to speak about it. They ate at me for all of my young adulthood, creating a pit, and that ended with a suicide attempt.
Don’t fault yourself here. There’s a societal problem at work that’s convinced our young men they can’t openly be victims/survivors and retain their masculinity or strength. And for many survivors, self harm or suicidality is an attempt at regaining control.
None of this is your fault. Pushing him to open up about this likely would not have changed the outcome. It is not that he didn’t think you loved him enough to stay with him after finding out what happened to him, but him believing that he was somehow less worthy of love after what happened to him. Having been in that headspace quite a few times I can tell you that his mind would not allow him to see any other outcome than everything going horribly and him being miserable forever. I’m so sorry for your loss.
He deserved to not have a rapist in his life. He deserved to not live in a society that doesn’t care about male victims of rape. You’re not the one who raped him, or told him that you might stop loving him because he was raped. You’re not the one who told him that he should be ashamed of having been raped. He didn’t need a better you. You are not psychic and can’t know about stuff he doesn’t tell you about, but nobody is.
Womp womp
I would encourage you to get justice for him.
He is still with you, just in a quieter way. He carried a deep hurt and I’m sure he knew you wouldn’t leave, but there was a small bit of doubt that became even more painful to even risk.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Grief and loss is incredibly hard to work through. Try reach out to people and let them help you through this.
You did everything right. 💜 it’s not your fault that he didn’t tell you, you did everything to make him feel safe. I’m sorry this happened, and hope you can heal. 💜
I’m so sorry. I hope you recover
I am so very sorry.
I love you, and I don’t know if you’re spiritual but I’ll try to send good vibes / include you in my prayers. I’m very sorry for your loss
I’m so sorry
I am so incredibly sorry. My heart breaks for you and your boyfriend. The stigma of male rape is so detrimental. I am so sorry he felt the way he did. You really did the best you could with the information you had. Please try to seek grief counseling or therapy to help you process this trauma. It is so hard for us not to feel guilty or that be failed the person who meant the world to us. I am sending you good karma vibes and big hugs. I hope your healing journey goes well.
First and foremost, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but please know that your feelings, whatever they are, are valid. There are no “wrong” feelings right now.
Second, and of equal importance, this was not your fault. You did what you could with the information that you had. You are, in no way, shape, or form, responsible for the decisions anybody else makes. It’s OK if you don’t believe that right now.
Third, I’m not sure where you’re located, but I would encourage you to find a support group for survivors of suicide if one is available. If you’re in the United States and if you’re not sure where to start, you can call 988. Some states have better help than others, but it’s a resource. Also AFSP (American Society for Suicide Prevention) has a “Find a Support Group” page and lots of resources.
Folks who have lost someone to suicide are at an increased risk of attempting suicide, so please, please don’t keep it all bottled up. You deserve to express and feel what you’re feeling right now.
Find a Support Group
Suicide Prevention Resource Center
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope, with time, you are able to accept that there was nothing more you could have done. You did everything right. It isn’t your fault
OP also lost husband and fiance recently, also to suicide.
This is heartbreaking. Truth is you did nothing wrong, and there is nothing you could have done differently. Even if he had told you, he might have killed himself anyway because of what happened, and then it would have been even worse for you, because you knew but you couldn’t do anything about it. He probably tried to spare you the responsibility of you knowing and not being able to do anything for him. I send you healing energies from far away!
No honey, you did your best in a situation you were did not have any facts.
He cried, you supported him. You loved him unconditionally.
He was very lucky to have you.
But you don’t get to opt in to his choices. They were his and only his.
The only one who should have been better was his rapist, he is the only one to blame. No one else.
I sincerely wish you find peace again. Just please remember to take care of yourself while you do it.
Also remember that grief follows its own timeline and you need to give the time to heal.
I have experience with your situation. You can DM me if you need to.
You literally could not have done anything differently as you were not made aware. You cannot blame yourself. His soul’s journey was complete, though tragic. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Worse punishment on top of rape is how society treats men after it happens. They are mocked, looked down, and seen like less of a man. Their only escape is to risk life in prison by killing the rapist. What a horrible place to be. Not only were they raped, now if they don’t risk life in prison, they will never be treated with respect again.
OP, this is not your fault. I’ve attempted before, and once I’d decided to die, nothing could stop me. Nothing at all. No one.
You did not fail your boyfriend. I promise.
Omphh
don’t beat yourself up, you tried. i’m sorry
Ooooooo to be a car that lost control right where the monster was.
Not your fault at all. I’m so sorry for your loss, and your pain. 😔
I’m so sorry you’ve lost a very special loved one. He made a choice that will forever impact those who loved him, especially you. You tried your best and did everything you could and knew how to do with the info you had. Don’t blame yourself for this, blame the person who broke him enough that he felt ashamed to speak openly. Take care of yourself. The hurt will always be there and it will heal a bit in the distance that time will provide. You matter. Please don’t ever give up on yourself. 🫶🏻❤️
I lost one of my best friends and roommate of 4 years to suicide last year. A heartbreak that will last a lifetime time. We will drive ourselves crazy looking for answers and thinking about what we could have done. I’m so so sorry. Every time you think of him, know he’s there. Always. Sending you and him so many lovies.
as a rape survivor, i promise he remembered and loved the affection you gave him at the end. he didn’t feel dirty with you. he didn’t feel damaged. until the end, you saw him as just him, not the rape survivor.
he loved you. you did nothing wrong. you loved him. he did nothing wrong. i promise as he was writing that note, he was remembering the way you held him so lovingly.
i’m so sorry for your loss.
great, love it