I’m breaking up with my girlfriend of 4 years in the next few months

Throwaway because she follows my Reddit account.

We’re both 23. We went to high school together but never really knew each other. During the pandemic, about a year after quarantine started, she started messaging me on Instagram. I had moved out of state after graduating, but after a year or so of long-distance and visits every other month I bit the bullet and moved back to our hometown into her and her parents’ house. We spent a year and a half there going to community college, and then transferred to a big 4-year uni together. We’ve been living here together since September.

Since I’ve known her she’s had trouble making friends. This is a point of frustration for her. That, on top of some talks we’ve had recently, led us to decide to stop living together. She’s moving out in May, I’m staying until we can find someone to take over the lease.

I had never been in a relationship before. I had a few first dates off Tinder when I first moved out of my mom’s house, but nothing that went anywhere. When we started talking I think it felt good to have a girl like me, pathetic as that sounds. She made me laugh, we had things in common, she seemed to be really caring and I felt like I had my girl. I told her I loved her after 3 months. When we became official I had been 19 for 2 months.

I’m 23 now. Outside of our relationship, I think I’ve changed a lot since then. I think emotionally I have learned a lot about myself. I’ve grown to do more self-care, I’ve grown to eat better, I’m trying to work out more, wake up earlier, do more extracurriculars, etc. I don’t feel those things from her.

It’s hard to put a finger on when I started having doubts about us. She was raised in a household that is different than mine, fundamentally. Her parents never mentioned money to her, my mom raised me telling me our finances and how to manage my finances from a young age. Her parents aren’t what I’d call hoarders, but they do not sort their things and have piles of things they haven’t touched in years. My mom raised me to be clean and get rid of things that I don’t use, or store them if they’re sentimental. Her parents cooked for her growing up and as such she has strict ideas about what meals should look like, often leading her to under-eat because she doesn’t like snacking during the day. My mom and I would meal-prep. It was often just burgers or chicken with salad, but it got the job done.

I could go on, but that’s not really necessary. The point is we operate differently. I think being raised by my single mom and not having any relationship experience primed me for not being able to detect signals that maybe we’re not compatible. Since moving to Uni I’ve made all sorts of friends, a couple of which are girls that at first I fell for, head over heels (I think that was my high school me coming through, always falling for girls the moment they spoke to me). After I got to know them those feelings subsided somewhat, but what I realized was part of what made me go crazy for them is they were able to take care of themselves and they were emotionally mature and stable. I self-reflected to me and GFs dynamic and realized just how much I had been doing for her and how little she has grown since we started.

My mom told me when I started dating that above all else, the way you know you’ve got the One is if you like the person you are when you’re with them. I think I started feeling that way, but it’s gone now. My best friend from grade school told me at the end of the day if I’ve communicated and am still not having my needs met, I’m justified in leaving. I’ve communicated, she said she’d work on it, but I think she doesn’t know how, or maybe doesn’t feel like she needs to change. I’ve been watching Smosh Reddit stories, and Shane has said 2 things that resonated with me: 1) when you’re young, if you’re uncertain, just end it and 2) Not having similar day-to-day, lifestyle habits will come between a couple way more than any sort of emotional disagreements.

I think we’re allowed to be different, but we’re too different.

In a weird way I’m excited. I feel that I’m a whole different person from the last time I was single. I’m trying to not think of these 4 years of a waste. Without it I’d still be a state away, living a whole other life that I’m not sure I’d like better than here. I want to ask one of those girls out, but I’m worried she’ll be taken by the time I’m ready to date again, or she might be weirded out if I ask her out too soon (she ‘s met my gf).

We’ve talked about it being possible that us moving apart could lead to a breakup, but I haven’t let on how certain I am about it. Since I started thinking about ending things I’ve been quasi-unintentionally cold with her. I think she feels a rift, and I’ve read her texts talking to a friend about things that have come between us. Reading those sort of hurt, especially watching her accidentally misrepresent me/my side. I understand she’s human though, and I’m probably misrepresenting her in this post.

So yeah, a few weeks after she’s moved out (mid-May), I want to end things. I hope my being cold to her recently will help with her separation. Our would-be anniversary is May 21st, I’m not really sure how I’ll navigate that. I sincerely hope the best for her. I hope this will be an opportunity for growth, and also an opportunity for her to find someone that shares more interests and values with her. I hope it’ll be the same for me, and god I hope it doesn’t hurt too bad (it will I’m guessing).

If you somehow got this far, thanks for reading. I was really just spitballing, I think I needed this though. If you’re invested maybe I’ll post an update to my account sometime.