Trigger warning: sexual assult
So for context, yesterday a woman in my local community went around posting mail through everyone’s front doors that outlined some really awful abuse she had been facing at the hands of a male social worker who is well known in our town. According to her letter, this disabled woman was targeted due to her vulnerability and the man moved into her life under the guise of helping her.
From there he took control of her emails, passwords and medical records, eventually progressing to starting up a non consensual sexual relationship. He drugged her, abused her both sexually and physically despite having been given warnings by the police and even ended up buying the house she was living in, I’m supposing as some sort of weird power play. There were pages and pages explaining what had happened and how she had tried to handle things with the police, as well as text messages that he had sent her and copies of quotes from local law enforcement. She actually has quotes from police stating just how infrequent it is that they get fake rape accusations and others admitting that they know he was guilty. The whole thing was a sickening read.
As of yet the man is not in prison nor has he been charged with anything, although the police have agreed to reopen the case in case of any further evidence and he has been barred from working with vulnerable adults.
As much as this sort of thing horrifies me, I was struck by her bravery in speaking up the way she did. There is something intensely satisfying to me about calling someone out so very publicly when the justice system has failed you. I can only imagine how it must have felt living with that and having to see that man still happily living his life in your town. We are a small community here, by speaking up she will have hopefully helped to keep other vulnerable people safe from this dangerous person, and perhaps inspired others who are struggling to come forward to do so. From my perspective this was nothing but socially responsible of her.
So my personal beef with all this comes from the reaction we got from my own father, of all places. Usually he is a reasonable, open minded person who for the most part at least tries to understand the struggles of others, but with this one somehow he got it so damn wrong and it honestly makes my blood boil.
My father, like a lot of people in town, sort of knew this guy and so when he saw the letter his first reaction was that same old line, saying that it was unhinged of her to post all these letters and it’s an obvious sign of her not being right in the head. He said that she was probably just an upset ex who “clearly has problems.” I am disgusted.
I feel let down. This man has two daughters and a wife and yet his first reaction was to go with the ‘crazy woman trying to discredit a man’ excuse that we’ve all heard so many times before, like he was quoting from an Andrew Tate podcast or something. Does he not understand how often this sort of bullshit is used to keep women silent about the abuse they face?
So please reddit, help me to work out what to say to him that might help get across why this sort of response is deeply harmful and not a little hurtful.
Comments
I have been let down like this from my own male family members as well and it’s a different type of pain realizing they aren’t actually different from other men when the rubber meets the road so to speak. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this too.
I hate to have to go this route, but it may be necessary for you to try to explain it in terms of, how would you want people to behave if this happened to me your daughter?
Many men have a very hard time empathizing with anyone but especially women because on a base level they don’t find women credible.
It sounds like you’ve identified a great opportunity for education, and it can be phrased that way when you take that opportunity and hopefully he’s receptive. The biggest challenge will be keeping calm, so he will be as open as possible to hearing alllll the ways in which he was wrong and he messed up.
Isn’t it something like 98% of sexual assaults are not convicted? Logically, how can you do anything but agree when any woman claims anything????
Let him know that while her story is extreme, most of the women you know have experienced abuse by a man in a position of power, and if your dad were more trustworthy some of the women in his life might have trusted him with their stories.
Let him know that most of the women you know have personally experienced men closing ranks to protect one of their own, and the main reason women don’t speak out is fear of retaliation. Women are afraid to speak out until they have nothing left to lose.
Let him know that at least 6 women in his family (use the most accurate number you can) have been assaulted or abused, and just because it’s hidden doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
Let him know that you can see on his face that he’s scared to think about what it might mean if men he has known and trusted all his life have a core of evil.
My own dad and I have been speaking less the last couple years because of things like this, or when I try to get real with him about literally anything, he just becomes avoidant or tells me I’m emotional like my mother, which is insulting cause I cut my mom out because she’s a deranged narcissist with BPD and no self awareness. But everyone continues to bow to her. So it goes as the perpetual scapegoat.
“your response has altered how I see you,”
If he’s open to hearing why, great. If they’re defensive, it’s a lost cause.
Gisele Pelicot. Remind him. Ask what he would have thought if he had heard the details of her case, not from the police, but from Madame Pelicot herself. What if her husband hadn’t left such irrefutable evidence on a computer? What if the police had declined to look at her evidence? It does happen. What women go through is stranger and more savage than men imagine.
There was a case I heard about where a doctor only targeted vulnerable women in his practice, women with mental health or substance abuse issues. He assaulted quite a few before a woman police officer was assigned the latest allegation. She discovered all the past allegations and talked to those women. Even then, the police decided they couldn’t get a conviction, so instead the doctor only had to have a chaperone with female patients. He didn’t lose his practice. Didn’t go to jail. I knew the doctor. I would have never guessed he was a rapist. He was a smart man, and counted on exactly the response your father is having.
Might have to straight up hit him with the “What if all this happened to Me/Sister? Would you also call us crazy/upset ex and do nothing to help?”
Because sadly some men really have to be hit over the head with “Hey, You have women in your life too, this can happen to them” in order for them to show some support towards other women.
And if he doesn’t show signs of understanding, then it’ll mean unfortunately you have to also come to terms with that.
>even ended up buying the house she was living in, I’m supposing as some sort of weird power play.
as opposed to simple theft motivated by greed?
“As someone whose personal bias leans towards the older male perspective, I can understand why you wouldn’t understand someone feeling this trapped dad.
It’s much more likely this guy is just a piece of **** and the system run by people who think and look the exact same as you left her to him.”
What a nightmare for her.
Ask him, point blank, if he’d feel the same way if you had written that letter. Would he, as your father, think you were just an upset ex who clearly has problems?
No matter how he answers, you’ll know exactly how he feels about you after that. I hope he surprises you (in a good way this time).