I’ve had a rocky relationship with my parents ever since I hit 10 years old. Im 41 now. I cut them off for 2 years, about 12 years ago. I went to therapy, read a bunch of self help books. I trained myself on how to engage with them. Tried, failed, tried, failed. Now they say they don’t want anything to do with me. I get rose colored glasses and wish I had a normal relationship with them. It hurts to not have parents in my life. How do you all cope with that?
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I don’t confuse the people my parents have shown themselves to be with the idea of kind parents.
These days, I think a lot about the term “matching energy”.
If they don’t try, then I don’t either. At the very basic level, that’s equity.
You are worth more than equity.
I’ve moved on from them.
It took lot of therapy and fortunately I married an understanding person.
They are toxic and I don’t miss being treated poorly.
It’s hard as I always wanted a big family, but for my own self worth it’s better this way.
They aren’t normal people, so a “normal” relationship will never be possible. Since I left home I have never walked away saying that was a positive interaction which is why I went no contact over 15 years ago.
My nmom has broken that a few times and they continue to be negative interactions. I can’t make her be someone else and if she isn’t going to make my life better she doesn’t get to be in it.
My father passed away 5 years ago so his negativity is gone.
I made a chosen family and with those people I do get to have more normal family interactions.
You don’t have to have a relationship with your parents if you don’t want to. If it negatively affects your life why would you?
Nope. I used to struggle. I don’t (mostly) anymore.
My father died in 2013 and he was never a big part of my life anyway (he wasn’t a narc; that’s my mom). We knew we loved each other and in the end I accepted (with the help of some therapy) that our relationship was what it was. I was actually in therapy when he was dying, and the therapist asked if I had anything I wanted to say before he was gone. I thought about it and said no, I was at peace with where we were. I have had no regrets (except that he’s gone) in the 12 years since.
My mother…well, I’m 57 now and at the point of few regrets. I’m as low contact as I can be, and interactions with her are stressful and painful so when I do have them, they remind me quite well of why I’m low-c. When she’s gone I’m sure it will be emotionally affecting but also a relief: no one will be “bad-daughter-ing” me, being dismissive and lacking empathy, and being so very focused on herself that she sucks all the energy out of the room. Etc.
I moved mostly past the heavy hurting stage years (thank goodness, and I feel you, OP. It’s painful to have that heartache). Now I’m in what I consider a very healthy detachment stage. I have people around me who support and celebrate me for being me, as I do for them. And I have more peace in many ways, than I’ve ever had. I think that’s greatly in part because I am mostly away from the triggers and toxicity of my mother.
I’ve been 8 years no contact with my parent. I’m 28. I get sad about it a lot, especially seeing others my age with their parents. Whenever I doubt my choice, I read my final conversation with my father (through email) where he was abusive, gaslighting, and telling me everything I felt was wrong. I also have a note in my phone I’ve curated over the last few years of all the fucked up shit my parent did to me and my loved ones. That’s enough to make me feel good about cutting them off. The pain of being constantly emotionally and physically abused seriously outweighs the pain of not having my parent in my life. Doesn’t mean I still don’t miss them sometimes, though. They are my parent. It’s only natural.
In a similar position (therapy, books, trying and failing).
To be honest I’m a little younger than you but I’ve been no contact for the most part for about 10 years, low contact for 1-2 (via therapy)
I’ve wondered the same thing — I used to want it to get better so desperately, but now I just hope that I’ll be able to accept that this just is what it is :’)
It is not possible to have a normal parent-child dynamic. They simply are not capable. They do not have the capacity to do so.
It is sad, but it is also ok. I think there is freedom in accepting it, self compassion, even though it is sad.
Hang in there <3
It seems like they might not like that you see them for who they really are and not this mask. As for me, I worry and think about it every day, but I never had plans to improve the relationship because I know it would be bad for me to adjust to my parents. They are not very good people, and they will never be able to give me what healthy parents are capable of.
I’m working on reparenting myself, becoming the parents I needed for myself because the ones I got will never be who I wanted and needed them to be.
Yes, I struggle. It hurts, and it’s hard, and it’s broken my heart over and over. I see who they are now, and i finally believe them. As hard as it is, and as much as it hurts, letting that hope die is actually freeing aside from the feeling of self betrayal I have because I took out who and how they were on myself. Finally seeing none of it was me, and none of it was mine to fix. They are who they are, and I can’t change them, and they won’t change themselves. So I absolve myself of it all.