My wife has been really depressed recently. She thinks she’s worthless and no one likes her; not me, and not our friends (which as an aside, she doesn’t even think are “our” friends; she thinks they’re “my” friends who only hang with her because I’m there, but I digress). I’ve been telling her in person and via text, all our marriage, how much I love her, and recently, I’ve been doing it even more, both in person and via text. Today I sent a whole paragraph about how I want to help, but I don’t know how (really just a recap of the conversations we had at home last night, and this morning) which I ended with, “I just love you and wish you knew how much.”
She responded by đ’ing the message.
I just don’t even know anymore.
I’m not looking for advice. If I were, I’d post in a different sub, and provide more detail. I’m in this sub because I just want to sigh dejectedly.
I said I love you.
She said đ.
Like just what even tf.
Comments
I know you didn’t ask for advice, so my bad for giving it; Give them space for a bit.
Man, that thumbs up feels like a punch in the heart
Iâd get marriage counseling. Sheâs probably pushing you away so you donât push her away first. Sheâs going to be miserable and friendless if she keeps this up. Iâd tell her she needs therapy, couples and single because youâre tired of being treated badly, and see what she says.
Sounds like she’s self sabotaging.
Definitely recommend therapy.
Avoidant Attachment. The gift that punishes those who love it.
Perhaps she only has the emotional bandwidth to acknowledge your lovely message but not respond to it?
I think her response is due to her depression, not an indication she doesnât love you back. She just doesnât feel like sheâs even capable of being loved right down. She could really benefit from getting into to see a therapist
Better than receiving a đđť
I feel bad because sheâs going to push everyone away until she has nobody. I understand depression makes people do things like this but we have to actively make the right choices to get out from under the depression. That was not the right choice and can cause damage, if it already hasnât. Someone said Self-sabotage and I would agree and also add self-fulfilling prophecy.Â
You two need to drunk together
If you are emotionally drained, it would be quite difficult to write a response to that message.
It is good you wrote it, and she needed to read it.
Just keep supporting her
Wish I could thumbs this post.
At least she didn’t refer to you as “Sport.”
Therapy for both of you for a bit before or while you do marriage counseling.
Dude you just said it yourself, she’s depressed. My wife has suffered with depression as well and I can relate to this type of behavior. When it was bad she could be very emotionally distant. She’s now doing therapy and is on medication and it has improved her (and our family’s) quality of life immensely. Has your wife tried to get any treatment for her depression? I know you said you aren’t looking for advice, but I feel for you.
I hope you know that her having depression and needing help and support doesnât cancel out your need for connection and love in your marriage. I hope you both get to a better spot really soon.
Maybe she was taking an uncomfortable đŠ. Donât overreact.
Maybe you’ve been saying a lot but haven’t been doing enough?
One of the issues is also you because youâre emotionally dependent on her. Why donât you take care of yourself. Bring a light to yourself and your wife can feed off of that. Because I can tell you right now. All of the âhow much I love youâ wonât take you very far. Right now, what she needs is a strong man she can lean on. Professionally, seek out therapy as well.
My husband is going through this and I donât know what to do either. Good luck OP
I was your wife at one point. The depression really takes control of your mind. With therapy and the right medicine, my life is completely different. I’m happy now. Genuinely happy. I think the daily meds made a huge difference for me. I wish the best for you and your wife.
Coming from a depressed person, that’s a positive sign. She is drained. Gonna take some time. Sounds like you are a pretty good partner.
Tell her how that makes you feel
Everyone seems to be giving her a pass, but if she’s not actively getting help, she’s holding you mentally and emotionally hostage.
No age given, but if 35+ menopause sucks the ever loving shit outta ya. Yes, it can happen early!!
Your wife is in need of help from a professional therapist or counselor. As much as you love her and want to help, this is above your pay grade and thatâs ok. There are professionals that can and will help her (and you) get through this. Whether you go as a couple or she goes solo, I suggest you all begin soon.
Tell her you love her and that the thumbs up emoji hurt your feelings.
One of the hardest parts of getting someone through a crisis like this is how many times your needs play 2nd fiddle to their depression. This is one of the ways. Keep yourself healthy, it most likely has little to nothing to do with you. It’s hard.
I see people say sheâs self sabotaging and while that might be the case, to me this sounds like a case of feeling stifled in a sense. You clearly mean the absolute best OP and I donât think you are doing anything âwrongâ in terms of morals, but maybe what your wife really needs is for you to calm down a bit, as much as it might go against first instinct to do otherwise. Sometimes, at least speaking for myself, when Iâm very far down I feel easily really suffocated. Iâm so down that I canât really bear other peoples support and love, if that makes sense. Because as much as itâs meant well, itâs now their emotions I need to process and either force myself to respond to, even if it takes every bit of energy out of me, or just kind of try to ignore, like your wife did here with the thumbs up, and end up hurting the other potentially, even if it isnât out of mean spiritedness, but rather exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed. The fact that you do this a lot apparently, which again is super sweet, might have adverse affects, unfortunately. This means she constantly has to respond in some way to this, otherwise she risks hurting you, essentially creating emotional labour for her, when it would have usually been lovely to receive these affirmations, if iâm making sense?
Iâd tell her face to face or over messages, whichever you prefer, that she can always come to you for her problems and feelings, but then start to chill A LOT on the confessions of love and worth. Let her open up if she needs to. I see in your replies that she started therapy so hopefully that will help her eventually as well. Mental health isnât easy to navigate and solutions are rarely linear and rarely happens quickly.
Life is too short for that depression drama shit. Hopefully it wonât last or Iâd bail.
Tell her, her soul is tired of trying to be someone she is not and she needs deep rest.
Look up stuff with Jim Carrey, one of his other worldly friends who helped him during depression with that phrase I just said.
It makes sense, you’re made to be this person and live up to certain expectations and you’re not living authentically and living the way other people want you to, can be soul crushing.
She sounds like she doesn’t believe you and that could be that broken piece of her talking.
She needs to heal.
Iâm gonna guess youâve never experienced major depressive disorder. Count your blessings you havenât and try and get her into counseling, or outpatient treatment.
Succinctly, yes your feelings of hurt are valid, no she canât put your feelings first right now.
My ex would be absolutely disrespected if i even accidentally sent a thumbs up. I will never understand it
As the person on the receiving end of the thumbs up, I can only imagine how you feel. Mental illness is rough. Not only on the person suffering, but on their loved ones too.
Youâre doing a great job and it sounds like youâre a supportive husband. Keep being you man.
Maybe start looking for advice
Oh, what the hell⌠I love you too, buddy!
She suffering. Maybe all she is able to send. Please get her some help.
I’ve been there. Just keep loving her.
Please suggest seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Coming from someone who struggles with mental illness: she needs professional help. You can love her with all your heart but that wonât reach her in that state. She needs a wake up call from a professional.
Sorry, I know you said no advice, but i see how much youâre struggling and itâs not good for both of you. You canât be the only one helping her while also trying to help yourself.
Reframe. Whatâs a compassionate way to readdress this?
A lot of the responses here from other posters have done a great job of this.
â˘sheâs being avoidant. Ok, Iâll continue to show her that Iâm here to support.
â˘thatâs a weird response. Ok, she may not be in the mindset to type something backâbut her thumbs upping tells me she saw this.
â˘she doesnât seem to love me back. Ok, this is not the time to make the situation about me. How can I show her that I see and hear her?
It’s really hard to be there for those with mental health struggles. I know my husband had a really hard time watching my own struggles. I’m sure I hurt his feelings sometimes too.
Never on purpose but intent doesn’t really matter.
I read once that for every 1 negative thing said about you, it take 7 positive things to counteract the 1. That has really stuck with me over the years and helped me understand that I just need to hear a lot more positive in my life.
Depression sucks, it sucks to have it or to witness it in a loved one. I hope she is able to get the mental health help she needs, this sounds bigger than what you can help her with.
Keep trying to be there for her, keep telling her that you love her. If you need support, that’s understandable and I hope you reach out as well.
I’m sorry for what you and your wife are going through. I hope you both make it out on the other side.
She wants âThe Shockerâ.
I’ve responded this way. I get it.
It’s just a nothing thing to say after a while. Saying it 50 times a day loses all affect. She’s probably done hearing it
I’ve been there. As her. All you can do is support her through this and surround her in your love. I would (lightly ) suggest therapy or counseling. See how she responds and then move into a more intense conversation about it.
The most important thing is don’t give up on her
Do not take her response to mean anything about you. She is too swallowed up right now to think that far into it. But your message got through. She responded. There was some, even if a tiny bit, effort to acknowledge you. That’s hope. That’s a tiny tug on the rope. It may not be what she needs right now and she can’t voice what she needs, but she voiced she heard you.
But she needs to seek help and treatment beyond you.
If sheâs already feeling overwhelmed by her emotions, why are you sending her something so emotionally charged cley sent bc you were expecting her to meet your needs? She needs to get better and healthy before she loves you and youâre acting all offended when depression is a medical condition she canât help.
If my husband posted on this subreddit⌠seriously. And I donât know what the answer is and you said you werenât looking for advice. I do know that if he pulled away from me, and when he does, I feel even more lonely. And then I get validation that he doesnât love me when he gets frustrated and pulls away. This is self hatred and itâs so fucking hard to overcome. Iâm in therapy weekly and take medicine for my ADHD. Iâve spent my life hating myself and itâs such a hard battle. Iâm hoping she can have a break thru. â¤ď¸
Just donât take it personally man. Sounds like sheâs in need of therapy.
đ
As someone coming off a bad spell, sometimes the thumbs up is all we can muster. Weâre not okay, we donât want to pretend we are, but we want to acknowledge your effort. Hang there. Iâm so sorry she struggles with shit too.
iâm depressed as well (been medicated for 5ish years but some days are still bad). sometime my bf wants me to say âi love youâ back, but in my brain, i feel as though i donât deserve to even say those words or text them. however, i still say it because although in the moment i donât feel i deserve it, i know the love is still there and still alive. i wouldnât take this personally, however, she should really consider therapy because this is just hurting yours and herâs relationship. itâs okay to need help, and i would just try and show through actions that youâre there for her and that youâll be that wall she can lean on if need be. best of luck to both of you đ
ugh
How old is she ? Thatâs not a sarcastic question Iâm actually asking.
I’ve responded like this to my husband when in the depths of my pmdd. It feels hard to respond at all at those times. Best of luck with this. It’s not an easy path.
OP didn’t ask for advice but …. here I am.
As someone who is clinically depressed and goes through phases not unlike what OP’s talking about and also as someone who is friends with others like this – I have advice.
1b. As someone who frequently goes through this exact mental state (feeling like no one loves me/all my friends actually dislike me and are only nice to my face, etc) – no amount of “I love you” or “No, that’s not true” will help. If I don’t trust how people feel about me, why would I trust what they say to me when I think they’re only saying that to make me feel better?
Asking her “what can I do” actually is making the situation worse. She’s likely emotionally fatigued from everything going on in her head and will feel worse about the fact that she can’t think of anything that would make her feel better. Show her you love her and are willing to help by trying first.
Therapy. For both of you. Whether that’s individual or couples, both of you would benefit from therapy. For OP it’s to understand their wife’s state and learn how to emotionally deal with that without emotionally draining themselves. For OP’s wife, it could be a lot of emotional unpacking but this will also include developing tools to help herself when she’s in these depressive episodes and also understanding how your emotional state can affect others. OP should remind their wife that they support her but they aren’t a professional and that maybe there are things they can both try to help her feel better (by saying you’ll both do it – it puts less of the burden on her).
đ
Therapy is a good start but make sure she’s talking to a doctor as well. Depending on her age, it could be hormones or even something else. I was having major mental health issues and nothing helped. My doctor decided to run every test he could think of. Turns out I have bad asthma but since I wasn’t wheezing 24/7, I didn’t see it as an issue. Got a good inhaler and things got better. Didn’t totally fix it all but it gave me the capacity to work on the rest.
I mean idk man depression is a pain in the ass. If thatâs what you wrote ver-batum then itâs highly possible sheâs hung up on the ââŚwish you knew how muchâ
I know it may seem so little but you are questioning her understanding of your love for her by saying something like that. Itâs like youâre talking to her like sheâs incapable of understanding. This is a harsh analysis, not saying thatâs what you meant or anything but we canât put emotion behind texts easily. Things get miscommunicated in texts. Iâd just deal in factual statements, say âI love you and nothing will change thatâ.
Stay up tho friend, exhaust your options before throwing in the towel and know that a year from now she could be a totally different person and this could just be a phase. Stay positive!
Don’t take it personally, she needs help though.
Honestly a thumbs up is still positive. It’s also not personal, it is SO hard to feel anything sometimes when you’re depressed. The bad is SO loud.
Please try to get her to a therapist. I think it would really benefit her, and maybe you as well. It’s hard to be on the end you’re on too.
đ
Cool dude đ
Honestly the thumbs up was probably for the recap not the I love you. If sheâs really feeling that bad the paragraph about how you want to help but donât know how could just be a lot at that moment.
So I suffer from depression, and that’s a response that I could see myself giving during my darker times. Tl;dr: she didn’t have the energy to respond in a way that you would prefer.
You say you wrote a paragraph, which was a recap of what was already discussed last night and this morning. What kind of response were you expecting? If everything has already been said, what else CAN be said? Being depressed is draining, and I’d be annoyed if I was expected to give a ton of energy to respond to something that I’ve already been responding to.
>I love you, more than you know
I actually take issue with this. I’ve dated people who thought saying “I love you” was supposed to give me a bunch of happy feelings, but it just doesn’t. What’s worse, is that every goddamn time, they get insulted that I wasn’t immediately cured, so I always had to pretend to be happy because their feelings are apparently more important than mine. Also, saying “more than you know” is essentially calling them dumb. You didn’t mean it that way, but it’s a potential interpretation.
Obviously you mean well, but a depressed mind is illogical. The idea that nobody likes us and nothing is worth it feels like an obvious fact, so anybody saying otherwise just comes off as native.
I hate to say it, but I don’t actually have any advise. I’ve never had anybody pull me out of the darkness, but I suspect most people can be helped. I just don’t know what that looks like because I always had to do it myself. Maybe try different things and see how she responds. I know I always hated people being in my face about how much I’m worth because it felt like a lie. But when people left me alone I felt abandoned. Literally a lose-lose.
Good luck to you both.
Honestly, I have had depression pretty much my entire life. It ebbs and flows. In the months of despair, I can’t be bothered to do much of anything.
The great Dick Cavett aptly summarized depression as laying in a bed, exhausted, no desire to do anything, for an extended time, everything is hopeless, then someone enters and says “you know there’s a cure for that right? It’s on that table 10 feet away.” And when they won’t hand it to you you tell them to go fuck themselves because the thought of gathering the effort to get there is so overwhelmingly hopeless that you then convince yourself you’d trip and hit your head and even if you made it you wouldn’t understand it or it just wouldn’t work for you anyways.
Depression is a disease that forces you to make your world smaller and smaller and smaller by the tiny decisions we all make every day to the large ones. She’s cutting off friends, soon they won’t be there when she’s coming out of this. She’s alienating you because your energy is too much, the thought of having to in any way big or small give herself to you is literally unthinkable.
If you change your mind about advice, I’m here to talk and listen man.
Actions speak louder than words. You canât just say you love her no matter how much you say or mean it sometimes the only thing that works is showing it. Sometimes with depression even that isnât enough though and someone showering you with love can only make it worse.
Your support is amazing and from what youâve said youâre doing an amazing job. Thatâs whatâs key here. You shouldnât feel bad.
The hard part is I think you should tell her that it hurt you. Depression hits in waves, and those waves can last for a long time. The biggest thing that snapped me out of my period of bedrotting and getting high was when my loved ones told me that I wasnât only worrying them, but that I was hurting their feelings in the process.
And you need to do it in a safe way, which is so hard, but I do think itâd probably help her out in a big way if she could verbally know that youâre being affected as well. Because sheâs probably thinking about how much she âmightâ be hurting you. But thatâll just feed straight into those depressive thoughts as well.
To be perfectly clear, this isnât a cure. And these waves could plague her forever, especially without therapy or medication, but knowing that youâve got her back to the point that youâre being affected, but stay around anyway might be exactly what she needs to hear.
However, obviously, lâm not there and could be reading the situation so wrong from the outside. And Iâm not a doctor so donât take my word as gospel. But, use your initiative and take this advice accordingly, at the end of the day youâve been dealing with this long enough to make her your wife, so you are probably the best person to see how sheâs feeling and decide if a conversation about it is too much.
Genuinely, I hope everything works out for the best, depression is a hell of an illness and hurts everyone involved.
I mean does she do this with all texting? My mom does a react to basically all text messages or does she normally say it back but is now doing that?
Brother, I’m in the same boat. There is therapy and the proper pills. At least you got a response. Take the đ as a win for now. This shit is temporary. Stay on course and remind her as frequently as it pops into your head that you love her. She’ll open up to you when she can. Whether is is a past trauma or simply life fucking her right now, she needs you. Be there, be available, and listen.