yeah as the title says my girlfriend told me a couple weeks ago that from 3rd grade to 4th or 5th her brother had been raping her and then not only had her own brother raped her, but her brothers friend. her brother was 15-16 when he was doing this so clearly old enough to know better and the friend i have no idea his age but like wtf bro. i told her that i dont wanna meet this guy and that id probably beat his ass if i ever did. her parents dont know but like the crazy thing is her mom has a suspicion because when she(my gf) would go to the doctors when this was happening theyd tell her mom something was up and she would ask my gf what happened but she wouldnt say anything. she says she was scared. she told me that it happened so much and she couldnt fight back she just pretty much closed her eyes and let it happen dude. i genuinely am in tears writing this and i dont know what to do. her parents have no idea its her brother that did it to her but like i told her she needs to tell her mom and ill be there for her when she does because thats so fucked up. shes never told anyone besides me and him and her are the only people that know. the fuckin dude still lives with her and like sees her everyday. it pisses me off so much
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The psychology behind that is incredibly messy and your gf is incredibly brave. And it speaks volumes about how much she cares for you and trusts you by sharing that with you. I know it is hard, but please respect her decision and please don’t pressure her into telling her mom. It would probably break her trust in you. You don’t have to meet him, at least not now. The best thing you can do is probably to be just there for her and make her feel safe.
I understand being angry, but anger is not the correct way to react around her. She told you this in confidence, forcing her to be ready to tell someone else right now is just going to make her shut down more.
i had a friend with an similar story and it really broke my heart for her. all you can do is try to support her and also understand that she might still be attached to her brother and have love for him and maybe that’s why she hasn’t spoke up because she’ll feel like she’s tearing the family apart. it’s a very fucked up situation i really pray for the best she didn’t deserve that :,(
That is so fucked up. Don’t do anything that will ruin your life like beating someone’s ass and then ending up in prison yourself. Your GF needs support. She probably has reasons why she never told her mom. Talk through that with her. In many cases, her telling her mom would only get your GF thrown out of the family.
If he did it to her, he will probably do it to other children, so at the very least make sure he is not around other kids.
also i acknowledge that taking it knowing others people trauma is very heavy, this puts some type of weight on your shoulders too. But just try to be there for her as much as u can.
Some things are just above Reddit.
Like this.
You should advise therapy to your gf.
And then probably learn proper support channels if you are coming to Reddit with something like this. Maybe spend less time online.
I hope she gets the courage to tell her family
OP, understand the place of strength this is coming from and appreciate the trust and respect she has bestowed upon you by sharing these things with you. Cherish this relationship! And never abandon her.
I get that you’re angry, but this is not about you or your wants in this situation. She will speak up when she’s ready. People push us to speak up before hand and don’t realize all you’re doing is taking her control and consent away on yet another thing.
Like other comments, it’s worth trying to watch your anger around your GF. Make sure that she continues to feel like she can talk to you about this. Yes your anger is very justified, but I think it is hard to share things with people when doing so makes them angry (even though the anger isn’t directed at the person sharing it).
I had an ex that I tried to share a past trauma with who was so angry about it happening to me that he never wanted to hear about it again. What I needed more than anything was to be able to talk about and though it.
Rather than pushing her to tell others, if you can handle it, try to just be there for her and listen to her if she wants to handle it. If dealing with that situation is too hard for you, it is valid, but remember if you just hearing more about it is hard, her confronting an abuser is going to be multitudes more difficult.
If you want to help her, suggesting therapy, talking to a counselor, or a support group is probably going to be more useful at this point than a direct confrontation. Also, depending on her age and situation, if there is a way to help her get out of that house, that might be another way to help.
You both need to communicate. Ask her if she thought about ever telling her mom about it and what consequences it takes for all of them. It’s definitely scary to change the whole family constellation when parents hear a horror story about their own son. So please don’t rush her, first process it yourself, breathe deep, be patient, and share thoughts in a quiet moment.
If she absolutely doesn’t want it, respect her, even if it’s hard.
Trust me it’s not easy to tell you parents about something like this specifically if it is happening inside the family. I have been there . So I know how it feels tbh. But please be there for her. Don’t force her to tell her parents cuz honestly dude it’s sooo tough.
Please be grateful she feels safe enough to tell you. If she’s willing to talk to your parents with you it might help for her to have a safe place to land if this ever goes pear shaped or she feels unsafe at home.
If she is at school she could talk to the counsellor about what happened and get some support. She should be old enough to see the doctor by herself aka without a parent present if she wants to.
It’s rough.
My (amicable) ex bf still gets enraged about the men who assaulted me (sibling CSA, and ex ex bf as an adult SA). But more than anything I need emotional support. And it would destroy me to see him get punished (and likely deported) for physical assault. So please keep that in mind when you want to bash his brains out.
If you are with her at events you can physically stand between her and her abuser giving her a buffer of safety. because she’s going to be forced to see the scum on holidays and special occasions or give up her entire family for the rest of her life. That will make her feel physically safer having you present. Abusers are cowards. Give him death stares when others aren’t looking. Make him feel unsafe around you so he backs TF away from her.
And comfort her. Asking for consent especially when she’s vulnerable is always good. It’s giving her back power. Would you like a hug? A lot of men in my life, family friends, father figures, friends, etc. react by not touching me. And at times that made me feel almost dirty – like I was untouchable when all I wanted was a hug and a shoulder to cry on. So please don’t assume she doesn’t want any male physical contact if it comes up. Because more than likely she does want comfort from her safe person aka you.
It’s a lot. If you need to talk about it this is absolutely therapy for all ground for you to safely process your emotions and be supported without adding to her distress in the situation.
You sound like one of the good ones. Take care.
After working with kids that were abused and/or abused others, this is a learned behavior. Not defending the brother in the least, just wonder where he learned this. There is def abuse in his history. So sad on all fronts. And to reiterate, it’s her story to tell when she is ready. She feels safe enough with you to share, keep it that way.
You would help her more by comforting her and being supportive instead of being angry at her parents or attacking people. She doesn’t need you to go to jail, she needs support.
If you need to vent and rage, do that on reddit or go for a run or something, if you get upset and she starts comforting that’s just too weird that she’s comforting you because she was raped
You’re a better person than me. That guy would be disappeared rq.
I’m really sorry you’re both going through this. What your girlfriend experienced is absolutely devastating, and your reaction anger, heartbreak, protectiveness is real and valid. You’re not wrong for wanting justice, or for feeling overwhelmed.
But right now, the most important thing is her safety emotional and physical. She’s lived through serious trauma, and the fact that she trusted you enough to open up is huge. You’re doing the right thing by being supportive and encouraging her to tell someone, especially her mom ❤️🩹😊
I understand your pain and rage – anyone would feel the same way. Your girlfriend showed incredible trust by telling you what her brother did.
This isn’t something you can fix with confrontation, though I respect your protective instinct. What she needs most is professional help from someone trained in childhood sexual trauma. The fact she’s still living with her abuser makes this especially urgent.
Encourage her to speak with a therapist first before telling her parents. They can help her navigate that incredibly difficult conversation and the fallout that will follow. This disclosure needs to happen on her timeline, not yours.
Your most important role right now is being the safe person who believes her completely. Keep being that steady support while gently helping her connect with resources that can guide her through what comes next. Her healing journey is just beginning, and having you in her corner already puts her ahead of many survivors.
I respect you for going this path – I’ve had girls who have been rape victims and it was very rough, all the best to the both of you.
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Your gf trusts you enough with this information. So support her through this, do not force her to take any action. She has to go through her own process to heal, so your duty here is to be the rock in the relationship.
You need to acknowledge to her how difficult it is to share that with you and that you know it must have taken a lot to share that but trust and communication is a two way street
She needs to talk to a therapist or counselor. I think she needs to be prepared mentally before she can talk about it to her mom. You have the right instinct, it needs to be told, but fighting her brother will only get you in trouble and will back you into a corner.
If you love and trust each other she will hear you out. She may worry she could be destroying her family or not believed. I would tell her that she may not be the first or last victim and there could be other younger girls currently under threat. She may be their only hope.
Above all remember to treat her as a girlfriend and don’t get caught in walking on eggshells. Be there for her when she wants to talk bout other things but honest that she has to process this and if she wants help you’ll always be there but hiding this will not bring her any relief.
Please seek therapy for you, it’s traumatizing to hear these things.
I know, I told my spouse about my CSA, and have trickled more of the events as time has passed. Both because our minds protect us from the worst of things and some of my memories were not accessible till therapy. Some because it was hard to live and I can imagine would be hard to hear. He comes from a good home.
Be patient and kind with your GF. She is incredibly brave to tell you this. What you don’t want to do is take her agency away and tell her what she needs to do or has to do. That’s not helpful and can traumatizer her more, that’s why therapy for you is very important.
What she needs is stability and someone who is on her side no matter what she decides to do.
Having said that, if she wants to keep contact, it’s okay for you to say you can’t do that.
Encourage her to seek out a childhood trauma specialist for therapy. Keep encouraging her to tell her mom, listen to her fears and let her know you are there for her no matter what. Only if you mean it though, if you don’t, peace out now because it will get much harder before it gets better and it could be many, many years.
I’ve been in intensive therapy for 5 years and am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. This just means my baseline is not below rock bottom. I still have a very long way to go. It is possible and with the love and support of my spouse, it has truly been a healing journey and I wish that with all my heart of your GF.
Oh shit me too. It’s extremely complicated. Mostly I don’t want to fracture out family more than it already is and just choose the lowest contact possible without going totally no contact. I told my sister and she didn’t take it seriously but then went behind my back and threw it in my brother’s face during a fight. My mom doesn’t know exactly but I’m not touching it. I don’t trust any of them with this information
You follow HER lead. Being like “I don’t wanna meet him I’ll beat his ass” doesn’t help HER at ALL. All it does is create this dynamic where now she’s afraid to have you at family gatherings.
Are you the first person she told? She needs therapy.
if i could comment a gif of joel from the last of us i would
Anger is understandable, correct even, but useless in a situation like this.
There are some things to watch/consider in a situation like this.
Sometimes someone tells you this simply because they don’t want it to be a secret from you, but they don’t want you bringing it up or treating them differently. This can come from good or bad views of it on their part, but there is very little you can do about either.
Sometimes someone tells you of a “past” trauma that isn’t so passed. i.e. indirect plea for help needed with a current situation
A LOT of the time in these sorts of situation there is a ton more to the story that isn’t shared for a wide variety of reasons. You have to assume you know only one part of one side of a traumatic memory from many years ago. To be clear, I am not saying anything as to doubting that abuse took place, but more like how clear the situation may or may not have been to her mom would be hard to even determine.
All you can really do is try and follow her lead on the issue, watch for any current signs of problems, and try NOT to focus on it if it is not something she wants made more public.
Many Many times, when something like this is shared the one doing the sharing has a very unrealistic expectation of how their boyfriend/girlfriend is going to naturally react and how they are going to integrate these facts. This aspect is challenging for everyone involved.
That’s really messed up, but it’s important your girlfriend gets the support she needs from trusted people around her
That’s really messed up, but it’s important your girlfriend gets the support she needs from trusted people around her
as a sexual assault survivor, I can say that it’s incredibly hard to tell someone.
you have to really really really trust them.
No one knew for years that my ex raped me and that’d why I have spinal damage.
It’s taken years to tell my doctors what really happened. I’ve just played it off like it happened during sex.
I didn’t even tell my my psych med management doc of 4 years what really happened until a month or so ago.
My older sister (best friends for all of my life) didn’t know until a year later.
I was willing to tell people about the physical and mental abuse before I was willing to tell them about the sexual.
It took her a lot of courage to tell you. Please do not show any anger about it when it comes up. Show her that you’re upset that it happened to her and tell her she’s much more than what happened to her. Tell her that she deserves all the happiness in the world.
her brother betrayed her in the worst way and yes the friend betrayed her as well. But her brother let him.
Give her time to process things more and encourage her to go to therapy. It helped me process my ptsd and emotions surrounding it all.
Don’t do anything that puts you in prison, first and foremost.