I’m 23 now, and I’ve spent most of my life feeling invisible or like the “before” girl in someone else’s glow-up story. I’ve never had people stare at me in admiration, never had boys go out of their way to talk to me, and never felt like I was the one who lit up a room when I walked in.
People didn’t really compliment me, so I got used to finding reassurance within myself.
In school, I’d watch my prettier friends get attention, compliments, little acts of affection—being called “cute,” being flirted with, being noticed. I’d laugh with them, but deep inside, I always wondered what it was like to be wanted in that way. To have people look at you like you matter because of how you look.
I was never really bullied or called ugly outright—but I was ignored. And sometimes I think that’s worse. At least when someone insults you, you know they saw you. Being completely overlooked makes you feel like you don’t even exist in people’s minds.
I’ve tried to take care of myself. I’ve worked on my skin, clothes, posture, and self-confidence. And it’s helped—a little. But that feeling of being passed over still lingers. Even when I make an effort, I often still feel like I blend into the background.
Sometimes I wish people understood what it’s like to grow up being unnoticed. How it shapes your confidence, your social life, your trust in relationships, and even how you think about your future. It’s not just about looks—it’s about feeling seen.
Anyway, I’m not here fishing for pity. I just wanted to say it somewhere. If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone.
Comments
Wow, I think about this a lot. Thanks for sharing.
Growing up I felt the same way. But then accidentally (through no fault of my own) got seen to be pretty, and it was like the world opened up.
I think about it a lot, as a chick who did absolutely nothing and now gets extremely different opportunities offered to her.
I’m sorry you don’t feel that the world surrounding helps you feel confident, it’s sooo tough as having the attention of others helps build your confidence and then it’s a snowball, but can feel near impossible when you feel you’re always showing up for yourself.
No advice, just see you and hear you and am sending respect for your mental clarity and level headedness – that’s hot.
I hack I see for getting attention, is when you really like how you look or feel you did something sick as or something sick – finish it with
‘Fuck I look so good today right? I am loving …’
Or
‘Man saying that actually made me feel so intelligent’
And then people recognise that you have an internal dialogue about how u perceive yourself, as we alllll do. And it helps remind people that we ALL need encouragement.
As someone who grew up being noticed A LOT for being hyperactive and loud and therefore always the odd one out – I must say I feel you. I am just a few years older than you and I was unfortunately called ugly and unattractive as a teenager and annoying and weird for nearly my whole school life. I was definitely bullied and I was pushed away and belittled and made feel less.
Having to live through these things changes something in you and I honestly can only recommend looking into trauma therapy or into a psychologist who specializes in depth psychological approaches. That was what helped me understand what happened to me in the past 🙂
Wishing you all the best <3
To be seen, to be heard, and to be welcomed for who are – are supposedly fundamental human needs. Our existence in many ways is validated by those around us. So it makes perfect sense why you feel so bad about having experienced that.
However, might be too farfetched to say that to be insulted is better… because that challenges a different part of our psyche and such trauma can lead to a long list of long-term negative behavior too.
I hope you get past this OP. That these events did not happen TO you, but that they happened FOR you. So that when you look back at this time in the future, it will be a source of empowerment or something that led you to bettering yourself more.
We can definitely be much kinder to each other… but don’t forget to be kind to yourself too. 🙂
May life carry your sails to better places in mind and in body. The storms will pass, the struggles can make us stronger.
I relate to you 1000%. I was only ever bullied once for my looks, but like you said never ever given attention. It’s such a catch 22. As someone who is introverted I often wonder if my looks made me introverted or am I just like this? I mean either way I am who I am. I will say there are some benefits. But I do often think how life could be different.
I relate a lot, have had a lot of people call me ugly before as well, though. last time was my fiancé’s father who supposedly said that I was ‘the ugliest girl he’d ever been with’ as told to me by my mother in law
I don’t have a lot else to add, except: I feel you
Girl, we, average men understand completely as this experience is pretty noromal for us.
Yeah – I feel this so much! I’ve always been plain. Now I’m middle-aged and glad I don’t have to worry about losing my looks!
Poise and red lipstick my sister. Poise takes practice but having it means you don’t stand out but also don’t blend in. You have to practice smooth movements and posture but it’s actually really great to have and good for your body’s health as well. Red lipstick is so rare because everyone thinks you have to be confident to wear it, which is true. People definitely notice when it’s applied correctly and the color matches your skin tone. Wear red lipstick and you’ll always be seen. You’ll get the odd asshole who will insult you for daring to be so bold but everyone else will love it. Women will come up to you and ask about it, it’s a whole lifestyle.
Tangential to this, never being perceived as someone who others find sexually/romantically attractive, if that makes any sense.
Like you might have a great friend group but questions and discussions around sex, romance, dating, etc, especially the casual/spontaneous kind never make it into your court. You contribute to the conversation and it’s not usually awkward, but the ball never lands in your court. Those around you don’t immediately perceive you as someone who could have an experience to contribute to the conversation. And, if a conversation around those topics does land in your court, the tone changes and it’s somewhere on the pity/serious spectrum since those things aren’t just passive/natural in your life and there’s always something to change/work on to be afforded that.
I understand. Even tho i don’t see it now that im 23 im fairly attractive by conventional beauty standards (no 10 but id give myself an honest 7.5 probably), but i was objectively a solid 3 in high school – bad posture, chubby face, bad haircut, bad teeth, bad skin, just wore badly fitting hoodies and leggings, no self confidence. So i understand. I don’t know how i grew into this other than my mental health got better and my body finally filled out more i guess. And i developed more of an eye for haircut/clothing. But i still can’t believe im attractive to people, i don’t see myself as an option. I don’t think i could go randomly flirt with someone, i still always wait for people to come on to me. I still wonder if it’s a prank. It’s so hard when that’s been your mindset your whole life and it’s what you’re used to, but now as an adult (even if you didn’t end up “glowing up”) none of that shit matters but it’s still hard to get over
“Sometimes I wish people understood what it’s like to grow up being unnoticed”
All the guys reading this right now:
Oh, that’s kind of me. I was wildly unattractive (fat, generally unbothered with my appearance, frumpy…) and eccentric to boot (yay high functioning autism!)
I actually think it’s a function of being a high functioning autistic person that let me brush off the whole experience of being unattractive in my youth. I just… wasn’t bothered?
I will say though, it’s still such a strange experience to be spoken to like I’m wildly attractive. I know I had a glow up, but I never really thought of myself as being attractive in any form. I find it amusing to be seen so differently.
Be sure that people noticed you. I dont think you are ugly like you see yourself. Most of the time we are way harsher on ourselves. And be sure that once you get some of that confidence and get a bit less quiet and invisible, you will flourish.
I had a late ‘bloom’ too. I was always shy and like you say, invisible. Always the best friend or the supportive character, never the main character. Looking back, I was never ugly or average, but I was always feeling sorry for myself and already it was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you see yourself as worthless, others will pick up on it and also feel the same. I was always cute and beautiful, I became even more once I was feeling good on my own skin. Most of all, I started to feel confident. I felt even better when I left my city and reinvented myself somewhere new. I left everything other people made me to be (in my mind and with the help of my actions) and I became who I wanted to be. I was not the daughter of, the sister of, the friend of, the colleague of, the cousin of anymore. I started to show up as the main character and exude that energy. And I attracted the right friends who contributed even more to me finding and expressing my true self.
I am not saying you have to leave your life and re-start (unless you really want to 😂). But you can mentally shift to main character energy. You can find a new friend group, a new hobby, a new class where you can show up as the person you always dreamt of being. I can assure you this feeling has 0% to do with physical appearance and 100% to do with your mental and emotional wellbeing. More importantly, you can start by understanding that looks are not everything. Trust me I have seen very popular, handsome men with women that you’d think are not attractive or pretty in a conventional way. Why do you want people to look at you like you matter just because of your looks?
This pretty much describes nearly all guys.
I don’t say that to diminish your feelings, I say it to let you know at least 50% of the population understands you.
Oh trust me i can relate, for some reason things started changing up for me in the looks department right around your age not sure why but woman just started liking me more hopefully the same happens to you
No offense OP, and I hope it isn’t, but this reads as obviously AI generated
Hey OP, I feel for you! This was the exact environment I grew up. It can ve truly awful. But try to embrace your true self and show it to the whole world. It seems like a generic advice, but worked for me! You deserve to be loved 💗 Keep going on 💪🏼
Hey, Im sorry that you feel unseen. I often go through long periods of time where I feel alone or ignored and found getting into social hobbies helped. While it might not address the pretty/cute comments, it helps me feel seen and connected which imo is more valuable than my looks.
Believe it or not, being unnoticed and invisible in a romantic sense is an experience that you share with like a large majority of men. Trust me, most of us either aren’t 6ft tall or aren’t attractive enough to garner any attention from the opposite sex so atleast in global terms, there are people who can empathize with your situation and have gone trhough similar shit as you so atleast you are not alone.