It’s college decision time, and my daughter has all the numbers and stats in front of us. It has come down to our state school, a reputable B10 school, vs a smaller christian college in Chicago(about 13 hr drive from us). The Christian college is about 40k extra over the state school, not considering APT costs in chicago after freshman year.
The state school is significantly better than the chicago college in terms of academics, but because she wants to do pre-health, she claims as long as the undergrad is decent, it doesn’t really matter. She also says the opportunities of living in a city are better, which I accept, even though the state college has major cities an hour away, and 2 hospitals on campus.
She has been clear about not wanting to stay in state, especially not at this school, since she wants a fresh start from her current “friends”. While I understand that, and wanted the same out of high school, I do not believe she is guaranteed any happiness at this other school either. I think the smart thing to do is to go with the school that we can afford.
We tried many times to have her reach the same conclusion, she never did, so after weeks of talking, we told her that we can’t support her decision and we believe it is best for her to go to the state school. She had a full on breakdown, basically saying it can’t end like this, etc etc.
CLARIFICATION-
We will pay state schools cost, she would have to pay the extra 40k if she chooses that other school. A mistake I am afraid she might make.
AITAH?
Comments
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It’s college decision time, and my daughter has all the numbers and stats in front of us. It has come down to our state school, a reputable B10 school, vs a smaller christian college in Chicago(about 13 hr drive from us). The Christian college is about 40k extra over the state school, not considering APT costs in chicago after freshman year.
The state school is significantly better than the chicago college in terms of academics, but because she wants to do pre-health, she claims as long as the undergrad is decent, it doesn’t really matter. She also says the opportunities of living in a city are better, which I accept, even though the state college has major cities an hour away, and 2 hospitals on campus.
She has been clear about not wanting to stay in state, especially not at this school, since she wants a fresh start from her current “friends”. While I understand that, and wanted the same out of high school, I do not believe she is guaranteed any happiness at this other school either. I think the smart thing to do is to go with the school that we can afford.
We tried many times to have her reach the same conclusion, she never did, so after weeks of talking, we told her that we can’t support her decision and we believe it is best for her to go to the state school. She had a full on breakdown, basically saying it can’t end like this, etc etc.
AITAH?
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Yta. It’s not up to you where she goes. Whether or not you fund her college is up to you. We set aside x amount for our son to go to college. It’s enough for 4 years of state college. We told him he could go wherever he wanted but anything over that amount was up to him to fund. He chose an out of state Christian college. He was able to get enough scholarships that he hasn’t had to take out any student loans.
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> By telling my kid we wont pay extra for the school she wants to go to, I believe I could be the asshole since other parents may not do the same.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
>I think the smart thing to do is to go with the school that we can afford.
NAH, but you should have stuck to the financial aspect more than the rest of it. “We can’t afford that other college” is pretty hard for even a disappointed teen to debate.
“go with the school that we can afford…”. If your child wanted to go to a specific school that costs $40k more/is out of your budget, she should have gotten scholarships to help finance this. If she wants it that bad, she can always get student loans…
I want to live on a tropical island~ life is full of disappointments for everyone. She is learning a valuable lesson.🤷
NTA
YTA
Why are you blindsiding her with this after she’s decided where she wants to go? Why would you even let her apply to a school you won’t support without having that conversation up front to make sure she understands the scope of her decision before she gets attached to the idea? You created the situation for all this turmoil to come forth.
Obviously you don’t have to take out massive loans to support a worse school. That is a sad, but completely reasonable call. Letting your kid get her hopes up and not communicating this until so late in the game however, that was a bad call.
INFO
Is there real no other option on the table than a Big 10 state school, and a religious school?
What about a nice secular out-of-state institution?
NAH. She can go wherever she can afford to go. If she wants to pay an extra 40K then she can.
Find out more of what’s going on why she wants to escape so bad when the pros are for her to stay , you say you mentioned her “friends” what’s going on with that situation there’s more too this
NTA
If she wants to go somewhere other than where you can fund, then she can figure out the financing of it. That you’re willing to fund her college is a a huge gift.
INFO: You can’t support her decision or can’t/won’t pay for it?
NTA its okay to have financial limits. If she wants to go there she should seek a scholarship
I don’t think anyone’s an ah here. Explain that you can’t afford it, and she’ll need to work herself if she wants to go there. That being said, you can’t stop her. It’s best just to offer unlimited emotional assistance and let her decide… Though I’ll be fr, the debt is hella cruel. Just let her be informed and trust that you raised a good, well minded child who will choose what’s best for her.
NTA. Is it Wheaton College? Unless she is super religious, she may not like the atmosphere or the people she is going to school with. She is being utterly shortsighted if she thinks she’s going to get city living in the suburbs.
INFO: your daughter wants fresh start and doesn’t want to do to the same college as her classmates. Was she bullied at school? Did she have bad romantic experience at school? Do her classmated use excessive alcohol or drugs? I see it important to have healthy and friendly environment and no bad people around. It’s actually much more important than money.
Let her go to the college she wants, but only fund the state school portion.
I’d make one more attempt to educate her on how many Americans are miserable with their student loans, but ultimately you can’t make this decision for her.
Absolutely do not send your daughter to a Christian college wtf?? If you want her to have ANY kind of safety and education send her to a secular school and if you just dont care about her at all stop pretending and send her to a nunnery
If she wants to go there have her make up the difference
My parents had me on the couch crying talking about college costs, and tbh the debt of my car is enough of a financial burden I’m glad I went where they could afford to send me NAH
Is there a boy involved? We knew a girl who got 1350 on her SATS and scholarships from a ton of great colleges. She wanted to go to a small Christian college that didn’t even have her major, because her boyfriend was going there. They broke up by the end of first semester.
We’re doing the college stuff with our senior daughter now as well. She wanted Northwestern which is 90,000$ a year. We told her our contributions to her education and then prayed she wouldn’t get in! It has a 7% acceptance rate. She realized that there was no way to afford it without massive student loans and dropped it.
Lay it all out financially. Show her how much she would need to borrow and the interest rates. Then tell her about people still paying 300-400$ a month 10 years after graduation.
INFO: You can pay for all expenses if you want that you would’ve borne if she went to your choice of school. Other expenses can be borne by her.
NTA – 40k plus a year is a hell of a difference. Financial literacy can be the first adult lesson she learns. This is something she should have thought about beforehand. Living in a city doesn’t even make a difference in the college experience. A college town is a college town. All she’s getting in Chicago is a higher price tag
From what I’ve read, please let me say the following:
Yeah. YTA.
Is she paying anything to go to school? Getting grants, scholarships, etc? If yes, then YTA. If not, then NTA. I paid my own way through college with no help from family at all.
NAH.
I get your daughter’s perspective. I didn’t want to go to a college in my home state either. I refused to even apply to any in-state schools. My parents respected this.
However, I get your perspective as well. College is expensive, and if you’re footing the bill, you do have a say.
Ultimately, it is her life and it should be her decision. My advice would be to tell her that you will pay what the state school would cost and it is up to her to make up the difference.
YTA – you should have told her in advance how much you could afford, then the decision is hers.
NTA. At that age, I didn’t always understand compromising my choices based on affordability. So I didn’t get the dresser I wanted. She either finds a way to pay for her choice, or she goes where you can afford.
NTA. Teenagers are not known for good judgment. She’s blessed to have parents that can afford any kind of college at all these days. Student loans are incredibly hard to repay. It also sounds like the degree she wants will require some kind of graduate education as well to have any use. It might be worth to discuss further why she wants to move out of state so badly.
Are you talking about Wheaton college? If she wants to do pre-health (? Not sure if you’re talking about public health or pre-med) then going to an evangelical school that doesn’t believe in or teach parts of basic science is a TERRIBLE idea. Grad schools & hiring managers won’t take a degree from a school like this seriously or believe that they hold students to any sort of scientific rigor. A number of these types of schools aren’t accredited through any sort of normally accepted body, leaving you with a completely worthless degree.
NTA. She can get her own scholarships and support if you can’t afford where she wants to go when there is a perfectly fine alternative. First world problem.
NTA, but there has to be a third or fourth option right?
NTA. The people saying let her pay the difference haven’t had to pay student loans based on bad decisions they were empowered to make at 17/18, this is what you’re the parent. Tell her she can transfer after 2 years, whether from the B10 school or a community college
I would push back that undergrad doesn’t matter. Unless you are top top top in your school that isn’t a fancy school, health professions graduate programs won’t even look at you. I think she’s under the impression that if you do well in any school, it won’t matter where you go. I am literally 40 years out of college and the college. I went to still matters. People still comment on it and it’s not an Ivy school, It’s just a very well-known private school.I got into 2 grad programs despite not having the best grades just on the reputation of the school.
While we need many more people joining the health, professions, entering into those professions is still very difficult.
You are NTA, your daughter is off the chain here. My 3 year older brother was accepted at MIT back in the 70s. Of course my parents wanted him to go there, so when it was time for me to go to school 3 years later, I was told I couldn’t go to Brown, I had to go the the state university. (Thank goodness my state U had a women’s college!)
I told my mom I’d do it, but I wasn’t going to take any loans for it. So they paid (I worked and handled my own expenses.) and I went to the state school.
I wouldn’t waste my money on a Christian school, no matter what.
Rein her in, real life is coming her way QUICKLY.
If she wants to go to the other school just make sure she knows she’s going to have to come up with the extra money herself. You can’t give her what you don’t have and if you don’t have more money to send her to the other school then what’s there to argue about? NTA.
YTA. It should be her choice as an emerging adult where she spends the next few years of her life. You can set a boundary with financial support but trying to control where she goes will only lead to resentment.
NTA. Let her choose, and pay what the state school costs. She can make up the difference or shut her trap. She’s lucky to have any college fund at all.
NTA
I think you’re being pretty reasonable.
Life isn’t always about getting what you want. If she wants to leave and go out of state, teach her to fund it herself.
yta, give her the same amount you’d of given her anyway and let her make the decision. if she ends up being forced to go to the school you picked, she’ll resent you for anything bad that happens there
INFO
Did you definitively say “you can’t go to X school because we’ve chosen Y” or did you just sit her down and say you weren’t going to be able to afford the school in Chicago and that was that? Because ultimately, the choice to go or not is hers, but you’re well within your rights to tell her that you can only fund a portion of the cost for that school and she’s responsible for making up the difference if she truly wants to go (be that in loans, part time jobs, etc.) bc if it was the above I’d say Y T A but I’m leaning N T A if it was the latter.
Maybe you need to sit down with her and explain all the costs, what your budget limit helping her is, and be very clear you’re not going to go into personal debt for her to live in a big city and have fun. She needs to understand that going with the more expensive, farther away school entails a lot of extra work and a lot more expense and if she chooses that school, she’s choosing the difficulty that goes with it. If she’s fine with that, cool, lots of people are willing to sacrifice for their dream school. If not, she needs to be more realistic.
NTA. With the info provided, it seems that the daughter is not choosing the best school, on the contrary, she is going to settle for a school which is not as good as the other, and all for the perceived benefit of being in the shiny big city. This is unwise, for three separate reasons: on the side of money, that school is significantly more expensive; on the side of quality, it is worse than the alternative; and finally, a choice made for the perceived social benefit by a 17 years old is most likely rash, if not dangerous. A teenager willing to choose a school worse than the alternative, just because it’s “in the big city” is most likely not mature enough to live in that big city.
Nah
In a way ESH. I think a little more detail is needed. Are you just saying no, or are you saying you can only afford in state/local tuition?
Who’s paying for her education?
I made it very clear to my daughters, if they went to a local university, not only would tuition be covered, but since they would be living at home, all room and board/living expenses associated would be paid too. I paid for food, car, insurance, etc…
I also told them if they opted for an out of state school or live on campus school, I told them how much money was available towards tuition there was. Anything above that as out of state tuition is higher, and room, board, transportation is their responsibly. They should try for scholarships, grants, work, or whatever, but I advised against taking out student loans.
I was unwilling to go into debt for schooling. I saved and sacrificed years to build a fund to send them to local university. I also did not want to see them go into debt that could cripple them for decades.
And they stayed local, and graduated debt free. Both thanked me, as once they graduated, they were actually able to buy their first homes and not have the burden of student debt. My youngest and her husband bought a house 3 doors down from me. And now they have free babysitting for the grandsons!
YTA. It’s her future, not yours.
I bet if you were able to understand why she is in such dire need of getting away from current friends then it would help you. Start there.
I think not funding the difference and giving her your honest opinion about which school is better academically and financially and that taking out loans to go to a worse school is a mistake is all fine and actually good parenting.
Have you suggested to her that she might start out at the state school, look into other schools, perhaps also out of state or in cities, and after 1-2 years if she wants to try to transfer, she could do that and perhaps get into a better school with a lower cost or more financial aid? If she goes to the state school and hates it, she doesn’t have to stay for all 4 years.
ETA: A ton of kids from my high school went to the flagship state university, and some did hang out with their high school friends, but it’s a university of like 30,000 people. One of my best friends went there, and while she stayed in touch with me and a few other people from high school (and we’re still friends now, in our 30s), none of us went to that school. None of her friends at college were from our high school, and she barely even saw anyone from high school there.
NTA. I wanted to go out of state SO BADLY. I was so torn. I was in the same position where everyone I knew was going to my university and I wasn’t sure I wanted more of it. Honestly I hung out with them my freshman year because it felt familiar and easy, but once we all got settled in our majors and activities, we didn’t see each other all that much. Basically special occasions.
I grew up in Florida and had Florida Prepaid, which is a 529 college plan my parents put money into monthly starting when I was born. The plan I had covered tuition and fees for up to 120 credits for a four year degree (some plans cover housing as well). You get the money you put in it to go out of state so it definitely doesn’t go to waste but it obviously goes farther if you stay in state.
My parents’ POV was always “we’d rather get you through undergrad debt free so we’re in a position to help you when you graduate or decide to go to grad school,” and that’s exactly what happened. I was lucky to find a job that started right after I graduated and I still think about how fortunate I am to not have student loan payments.
Now on the other end of the spectrum, my brother also graduated undergrad debt free but came out of law school with six figures in student loans and I couldn’t fathom having that.
Esh this is a talk you have before applying . She should have been told how much you were contributing and if you had any conditions . She can’t assume a full ride but you don’t get a day in if she goes or not just how much you pay
Can’t say without knowing the small school. Some might be a terrible choice, others might be great.
NTA. Also, she’s not going to qualify for $40k in loans per year without a cosigner.
Is she being bullied by “current friends”? Why is she trying to run away? There’s another story here you’re not understanding, OP.
NTA. I wish my parents had forced me to go to a state college. I also went to an overpriced private school in Chicago. I also wanted an escape from my friends. I didn’t understand the financial magnitude of the decision at that time, but I’ve paid the repercussions for it ever since.
INFO
Have you sat down to talk about the reasons behind all of this?
Why this particular school? Why does she want to get away from her current friends? What are her expectations?
Does she understand the financial issues? Not just “it’s too expensive,” but what that really means – $40K is … it’s not insignificant.
You didn’t ask for advice, but I have some anyway: listen to your daughter, ask questions to clarify her perspective, and then have a really in-depth conversation about the financial aspects. If she won’t listen to you, find someone else to explain finances.
Compromise – you’ll pay $X, which is enough for the state school, and if she can make up the difference, she can go where she likes.
Also, have her run the numbers herself. How much would she have to take out in loans? What’s the interest rate? How much will she be paying in the end? How long will it take to pay off? What’s her earning potential? What does that mean for her lifestyle?
Let her figure out why cost is an issue.
We recently went through this. We taught our daughter to make a business decision vs an emotional decision. There’s no reason to spend an extra +$150k, especially if the other choice is reasonable. Life will offer plenty of opportunities for emotional decisions- like after she graduated and is deciding where to live.
NTA. Most parents don’t have the money to for expensive schools and unfortunately student loans are a part of life in the US. Try showing her how long it will take to pay off those loans and she might get some perspective.
YTA for not having a serious conversation at the start.
She is pre-health. Her grades and extracurricular matter. She is going to have high school costs for about a decade. Chicago is a great city for a variety of reasons, she can get a ton of health experience there.
You need to be able to have a sit down conversation.
Does she want to move to Chicago? Great. UChicago has programs for people whose parents make under a certain amount of money annually.
She is focused on what I assume is likely Loyola? There’s a ton of opportunities for jobs on and around campus. You can’t afford it and she wants to go, then have an adult conversation about finances. You can only pay X amount per year for college.
If she has her heart set on it then she is going to need to get a job. It might be hard for her to work, get the grades she needs, get the research experience she could. It’s not impossible.
If she chooses the harder route then thats her decision. She can always transfer schools.
NTA. I’d tell her you’re not paying extra to go to a worse school out of state. And if she doesn’t like it you’re not paying for state school either. Of course you still would but it might wake her up and slap some sense back into her.
You aren’t really the AH if you just can’t afford it, but I started having this same conversation with my kid a few years ago. He knew the specifics of what we can afford by junior year and he’s being reasonable so far. We are waiting for aid offers from one last school to make the decision. If she’s looking at 40k over four years she might be able to cover that with loans herself but if it’s more than that they’ll be looking to you for plus loans. For my own education I made the mistake of taking out loans in my name and then having my mom get the plus loans, which she absolutely could not afford to pay back. So I had to pay them all and you can’t consolidate them. It crippled me financially for years. Just a cautionary tale.
You can’t tell her where to go to school but you can tell her how much you will contribute to her education. Going to a more expensive, worse academic school when you already know you will have to pay for grad school is foolish but it’s your daughter’s life. She can go wherever she wants if she can find a way to pay for it. However, it will be very difficult for her to pay for college without your help as a co-signer. Sit down and have a serious conversation about finances. It’s ultimately her decision where to go but it’s your money.
My parents didn’t support my decision to go to college (very far) out of state. I did anyway. I’m still paying student loans but they are very manageable and it was probably the best decision I made in life. There’s a HUGE benefit in getting out of your comfort zone, meeting new people, experiencing a new place/new culture, making new connections – the skills you build doing those things will carry you really far in building confidence, taking chances in your career, pushing the limits, gaining independence and becoming a fully responsible adult. It’s amazing to look back on the people I know from high school and see vast differences now in lifestyles of people that stayed within (a few hours) driving distance of our town vs those who had went far out of state (not to a bordering state 2 hours away).
NTA
The money issue is real and one she needs to understand as an adult.
Let her know that you will be contributing a set amount of money for college regardless of where she chooses to go.
If she wants to go to a much more expensive school, she can, but she’ll need to take it loans and probably work through school.
Nta
You’re funding her. She should be grateful. How many people dream of going to college fully paid for by their parents?
If she doesn’t want to go to the school you can afford, that’s on her. She is or will be an adult, she can get a job and a loan instead of expecting people to pay her way.