I 19F have been no contact with my dad 49M for four years but I recently broke that. My dad has been an absent father since 2020, I was around 14 turning 15 when this happened, my dad has always been apart of my life but my parents divorced when I was 9 and my parents had split custody. My dad wasn’t the greatest, he was abusive physically and emotionally (less physically towards the end). But if you’ve ever experienced a parent being abusive you might know that it doesn’t mean you stop loving them. At least not for me. I know it’s twisted but he’s still my dad. Anyways, once I hit 12 years old, my older siblings stopped seeing him and it was just me and my two younger siblings. I only continued going to see him because I knew how hard it was being the oldest at his house, you were responsible for the younger siblings and you took the brunt end of his anger to protect them. I never wanted my little siblings to have to endure him alone so I stayed.
He was mostly physically abusive to my older brothers but very emotionally abusive to all of us. He and I fell into this pattern of him telling me all his problems and me helping him work through it (i was the caretaker, the therapist, but never the kid). This was normal for me as that had always been my thing, calming my dad down by talking through his emotions and life trauma. I was exposed to a lot through this and it was draining, I grew up faster than anyone should because when I was 9 he would do this but not as much. I was taking care of my younger siblings as well, making sure their homework was done and helping them with it, feeding them and getting them ready for school as well as packing for them for my dad’s house. When he first left I thought I’d feel relief, I was so depressed living with him, I felt I was only living for other people. I didn’t enjoy anything, I didn’t feel anything other than numbness. I just wasn’t myself. The first year was extremely hard, I felt I lost a parent but how do you grieve someone who’s still alive?
I worked through this in therapy but now at 19 I still feel this way often. I question whether it would be better to pretend he’s dead because the two times I’ve seen him in five years I didn’t recognize him anymore, and he didn’t know anything about us. Still I feel this responsibility for him, the same responsibility I felt at 9, keep him alive and make sure he knows he’s not alone. Cutting contact with him was hard but it happened after many false promises of coming back and me texting him everday to make sure he’s still alive and didn’t die of depression like I wanted to in that house. He doesn’t work, he doesn’t leave, he just stays in the house. The house that is his mom’s house that she pays for and provides food for. Recently I started my first year of college and once my second month of it hit, I felt this isolation I’ve never felt before. New state, no family in it. I started having nightmares where I got a call he was dead. Which isn’t something that I think is abnormal considering my grandma told me he has this yellow tint to his skin and swollen feet indicating possible liver problems. So in October of 2024 I reached out to him, I got no response but I continued texting and leaving voicemails. I was sure he was dead. My little sister who keeps in contact with him said he hadn’t responded in months and usually he would’ve by then. So the nightmares kept happening and I started having insomnia spikes.
In January on my birthday he reached out, he made this pathetic apology for missing the last five years and my high school graduation. The apology read: “I’m sorry I missed the last five years and for this Grand Canyon between us, and I’m sorry I didn’t make it to your graduation. I don’t have excuses”. He sent a couple more texts but I realized he hasn’t changed. He’s been offered help, but he refuses, he doesn’t believe in mental health problems but has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Now to the problem, his health isn’t great considering how he looks and the fact that he doesn’t get any sunlight. Now I personally think that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t talk to him before he passed but is that just dumb? I mean I thought that he would come back and get better but that’s not happening, and I don’t know how much longer I have with him. What should I do?
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Backup of the post’s body: I 19F have been no contact with my dad 49M for four years but I recently broke that. My dad has been an absent father since 2020, I was around 14 turning 15 when this happened, my dad has always been apart of my life but my parents divorced when I was 9 and my parents had split custody. My dad wasn’t the greatest, he was abusive physically and emotionally (less physically towards the end). But if you’ve ever experienced a parent being abusive you might know that it doesn’t mean you stop loving them. At least not for me. I know it’s twisted but he’s still my dad. Anyways, once I hit 12 years old, my older siblings stopped seeing him and it was just me and my two younger siblings. I only continued going to see him because I knew how hard it was being the oldest at his house, you were responsible for the younger siblings and you took the brunt end of his anger to protect them. I never wanted my little siblings to have to endure him alone so I stayed.
He was mostly physically abusive to my older brothers but very emotionally abusive to all of us. He and I fell into this pattern of him telling me all his problems and me helping him work through it (i was the caretaker, the therapist, but never the kid). This was normal for me as that had always been my thing, calming my dad down by talking through his emotions and life trauma. I was exposed to a lot through this and it was draining, I grew up faster than anyone should because when I was 9 he would do this but not as much. I was taking care of my younger siblings as well, making sure their homework was done and helping them with it, feeding them and getting them ready for school as well as packing for them for my dad’s house. When he first left I thought I’d feel relief, I was so depressed living with him, I felt I was only living for other people. I didn’t enjoy anything, I didn’t feel anything other than numbness. I just wasn’t myself. The first year was extremely hard, I felt I lost a parent but how do you grieve someone who’s still alive?
I worked through this in therapy but now at 19 I still feel this way often. I question whether it would be better to pretend he’s dead because the two times I’ve seen him in five years I didn’t recognize him anymore, and he didn’t know anything about us. Still I feel this responsibility for him, the same responsibility I felt at 9, keep him alive and make sure he knows he’s not alone. Cutting contact with him was hard but it happened after many false promises of coming back and me texting him everday to make sure he’s still alive and didn’t die of depression like I wanted to in that house. He doesn’t work, he doesn’t leave, he just stays in the house. The house that is his mom’s house that she pays for and provides food for. Recently I started my first year of college and once my second month of it hit, I felt this isolation I’ve never felt before. New state, no family in it. I started having nightmares where I got a call he was dead. Which isn’t something that I think is abnormal considering my grandma told me he has this yellow tint to his skin and swollen feet indicating possible liver problems. So in October of 2024 I reached out to him, I got no response but I continued texting and leaving voicemails. I was sure he was dead. My little sister who keeps in contact with him said he hadn’t responded in months and usually he would’ve by then. So the nightmares kept happening and I started having insomnia spikes.
In January on my birthday he reached out, he made this pathetic apology for missing the last five years and my high school graduation. The apology read: “I’m sorry I missed the last five years and for this Grand Canyon between us, and I’m sorry I didn’t make it to your graduation. I don’t have excuses”. He sent a couple more texts but I realized he hasn’t changed. He’s been offered help, but he refuses, he doesn’t believe in mental health problems but has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Now to the problem, his health isn’t great considering how he looks and the fact that he doesn’t get any sunlight. Now I personally think that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t talk to him before he passed but is that just dumb? I mean I thought that he would come back and get better but that’s not happening, and I don’t know how much longer I have with him. What should I do?
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Honestly only you can really answer this question. Your father is not owed anything by you. You bear no responsibility for him. If you reach out to him then it should be because you’re doing it for yourself and because you feel an inner need to, whatever the reason. If you think that you need to before he might(?) die, then do so because you need to for yourself, not for him.
Oh hun I’m so sorry. You’re going to hurt either way and that sucks. Talk to him. Get everything off your chest. Keep going to therapy. You should have never had to care for your siblings and definitely not him. He is not your responsibility. His past and childhood were rough and that’s sad but HE is the reason your childhood was bad. He passed on his trauma. Tell him all your truths and know how he reacts is not your responsibility either. Good news, you don’t have to pass this trauma on if you decide to have children in the future. I became the adult I always needed for my own kids and several I taught. You will get through this. Neither choose is wrong. I regret not telling my dad off before he died and was his only child bedside when he was dying in a coma and it was too late is the only reason I suggest talking to him now
Girl I’m sorry. If you need to talk to him then talk to him. You are in charge of your life!!
I am very interested in your question “how do you grieve someone still alive?”
Unfortunately, I can answer that. You are grieving the relationship you wished you had. For example, I wanted a close, warm-cookies-after-school kinda relationship with my mother. One where I felt seen and wanted, accepted.
She, however, did everything in her power to ensure warmth and bonding never happened between us. At some point, I understand that she didn’t want to and she didn’t seem capable of treating me well. I grieved that I missed out on that experience. I grieved that our relationship would never feel good.
So to answer your question… Where are you mentally with your relationship and what you feel you want(ed)/deserve(d) as a child looking to an adult for a safe space to grow during your most vulnerable years? What steps do you need to take to resolve/address where you are currently?
I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself and say your piece. Hugs
You’re struggling between unresolved trauma and guilt about your father’s declining health. If reconnecting would genuinely bring you peace, a limited, safe interaction could help—but if it’s only out of guilt or hope he’ll change, it’s okay to protect your own well-being and keep your distance.
Just a little protective advice, if you do contact him do not feel the need to “parent him”, he has made his bed and he can lay in it. If you’re needing to clear the air between you and him, please do so you may not get the chance again. And if you feel the need to reach out to it soon because you never know and you definitely don’t want to live with the fact that you missed that opportunity. Work on healing yourself. Try to keep in touch with your siblings and know that none of you deserve this.