Smoke my Brain and lungs away. As a male no one gives a fuck because they think we’d enjoy it when not every guys a piece of shit. That’s why I keep my mouth shut and dab till it hurts
You’ll be surprised (or not) to find out that no one believes men either. Especially if it happened when you were a kid and the perpetrator was well-liked in the community.
In terms of coping? Therapy. Lots of therapy. Decades of therapy.
No one has sympathy. No one gives a shit. No one is going to be supportive, understanding, or there for you.
“You must have wanted it”, “men can’t really be raped”, “what did you do to make them do that to you?” Are the responses I have gotten from the closest friends and family when I have confided in them about what happened to me a few years ago.
I’ve been drugged and raped twice by different women who I thought were my friends. I share my experience without shame when appropriate, ie it’s not my personality. Im traumatized when it comes to accepting food and drinks that I didn’t make or wasn’t given to me by a restaurant/bar staff member. I go to therapy and hang out with friends who understand that if I ask for unopened cans or bottles (even water), it’s not that I don’t trust them, it’s just a trauma response.
However, I’ve noticed that when I share my story, it gets downplayed or even dismissed by both men and women.
Honestly, I just suppressed it for years. I just came to the conclusion that it had happened and that it was wrong. I let my therapist know, then told my family.
For many years I wore it like a badge of honor. I was the first guy in my grade to lose his V card. I suppressed the memory and moved on, sharing my story from time to time.
Eventually I came here and answered an Ask Reddit post years ago about it that made me realize that I was, in fact, SA’ed. Ever since, my perspective has changed dramatically about it and I communicate about it whenever I see a question like this.
Talking about it as the negative that it is has given me power over it when for years I didn’t have it. I will say this though, if you open up about it expecting sympathy, you may be sorely mistaken. There is still a stigma that Men cannot be SA’ed. Though I disagree with it, it’s still a thing. So come into these spaces with an open mind, share your story, take control of it, and if you are within the statute of limitations and are comfortable in your area to come forward with it, do so.
Frankly, I think more people should come forward about their SA’s, but I also know that it’s a touchy subject.
Take care of yourself. Stay strong. Know that you are not alone and that you are seen.
I’m sorry that whatever happened to you happened. I hope you are able to begin the path of healing.
EDIT FOR MORE INFORMATION: I wore it as a badge of honor because my mother had me convinced that I was capable of both seducing and coercing a 22 year old nanny at the age of 12. I never saw myself as a victim, the realization simply helped me to recontextualize the events and certain facts in my mind. The power I attained over the SA was simply the acquiring of the truth. Having the truth of an event can be very powerful, and for me, it helped me to overcome. /END EDIT
You’re not any less of a man. And I think you SHOULD talk to someone about it, just make sure you choose safe people to open up to like a therapist or trusted friend. Unfortunately toxic masculinity swirls when stuff like this happens. What happened wasn’t your fault, and you are far from the only one, it just doesn’t get talked about as often.
All these sarcastic comments kinda highlight the point I’m gonna make. No one really cares or believes you.
Sa’d by my brother for years. Finally cracked when a bunch of other stuff was going on in my life and told my parents about everything. Got into therapy. Got on meds. Today? They still financially support him and his kid. Therapist has been entirely unhelpful in dealing with anything. And the meds don’t seem to do jack for my mood.
Add in I was recently diagnosed with epilepsy that we don’t know how long I’ve had it for (symptoms can be hard to spot if they aren’t your “normal” epilepsy symptoms) and I’ve been completely written off. Apparently one of the symptoms of my type of epilepsy is new or worsening ptsd/ depression symptoms. So clearly it’s all because of the epilepsy…
Bottom line, im not sure you ever get over it. Fake it till you make it cause no one else will believe, care, or do much of anything to help you.
On the rare chance you have someone close enough you can confide in and lean on for support, cherish them. It’s not common and most will leave or get tired of supporting you.
Deleting this comment later. Realized that coping was a porn addiction when I was a teen/young adult. I’ve been clean for a few years. My other friend who was molested with me shot himself and also dealt with porn addiction. We are both bipolar, probably just a coincidence. But honestly all I’ve gotten was a “thats crazy” or people just don’t get it. Just look at the response Kanye West got from discussing childhood sexual trauma. I read a log showing hes been sexually exposed for years. Now he’s a gooner porn addict.
Had an encounter with a gay dude while I was drunk. I got into his truck i didn’t know he was gay he was also known to my family. He invited me to hit some cbd pen with him as soon as I hit it I got sent to another dimension and could barely react to what he was doing. He started caressing my thigh, I was in the passenger seat he said “don’t tell anyone” he unzipped his pants grabbed my hand and started moving it to his groin. That’s when I was finally able to fucking think and sucker punched him in the face unlocked the door and got out. DO NOT hit vapes from other people idk wtf was in it but I couldn’t think for shit. As for how I cope, not sure I told my friends about it but they find it fucking funny and tease my about it to this day. Idk why but if you tell people you’ve been through SA as a man they laugh or don’t care. My advice keep it yourself because no one cares
Abused by my uncle as a child, court case barrister told me I was lying made me feel like a horrible person for accusing someone of sexual abuse. He got off due to lack of evidence, judge told me and my family he believed me then turns out he gets arrested for being a paedophile. Ever since, I’ve repressed everything and suffered as a result of it and it’s ruined me. Innocent child destroyed and my life has been topsy turvy, but just getting by every day.
I don’t talk about it in any way. As at least one other person on here said, nobody ever gives a damn when it’s a male that was SA’ed. So for me, i help others who’ve gone through it as much as I can, but I repress all emotions that relate to the event.
After a woman therapist told me at least I wasn’t a woman, after sharing how I was SA by my roommate while in CPS….. I just don’t. No one cares, not my friends, not my family, not even the professional help you’re supposed to get when you reach out. I’m so sick of it all and it’s been years of rotting since I told that therapist.
High all the time. It isn’t the best method but it keeps my mind clear and not thinking about it. The past is the past but it still has that grasp on me. Also i only really smoke weed but i think that ship is starting to sink since the tolerance is stronger than my budget can handle. I guess ill be dealing with it soon one way or another.
I repressed for over 8 years. It almost ruined my marriage. Finally spoke out about it and stopped blaming myself. I still have issues being touched all the time but my marriage is 12 years along now. I have children. Honestly, I just want to forget. I still get uncomfortable around certain topics. But I’m startin to heal. Slowly but surely.
Don’t listen to any of these comments about being silent. Do tell people.
It is awful. You feel worthless. You feel powerless. You feel vulnerable. But you are going to feel that anyway, don’t feel it alone.
Yes, there is chance some people will downplay it. Even some might mock you. These are bad people, do not keep them in your life.
If you have access to mental health treatment, call and make an appointment with a therapist. You are not the first to think or feel the way you do. There are many of us, a lot more than you’d think and we’ve been through it too. Therapists are trained to help you sort out what thoughts are valid and what thoughts are harmful.
Be kind to yourself. Remember that strength takes many forms. Having the courage to be vulnerable is strength.
When you hide pain the only person you hurt is yourself. I PROMISE that people will be kind to you, they will be compassionate and they will be understanding. You do not have to be alone in your pain.
If you open up, you will find that the pain becomes a little less to bear. It’s a snowball effect, you will become more comfortable talking about it, processing it. Your support system can help you carry the weight of it.
It is tempting to throw your hands up in the air and give up. Believe that no one will listen or care. Comments here definitely support that and give you an echo chamber of despair. Misery loves company after all.
They don’t know what they’re talking about. They are wrong. You are worth caring about and your trauma is real.
Therapy really helped me. It was hard and difficult work. I cried so much during it. But in the end I reached the goal of it: How to cope and stop the flashbacks. Did wonders for me.
Not healthy, but I get comfort from her being constantly paranoid. It honestly doesn’t mean much to me, but so long as she never sees peace again, I like it.
Forget about it for a while. Remember it and get a dump of adrenaline and feel like shit for a day or two. Eventually forget about it for a while. Repeat.
I survive out of pure spite for my abuser. Turned the shame and hatred into energy to create a meaningful life that I control and can’t take away from me. They SA’d me and then tried to kill me. Well guess what, I’m just going to live even harder.
Edit: thank you everyone for your kind words, and thank you to everyone here who has shared their stories. It’s not easy to do. Mine isn’t really unique among victims, but my hope is that I can be a positive force in at least one person’s life and negate the evil my abuser tried to put into the world. My DMs are open for anyone who needs to talk.
Kink. My wife is the sweetest, most innocent-looking woman I know. But in the last few months we’ve discovered that we’re both at our happiest when I get to become a terrible monster and she my “unwillng” victim.
Years ago a man took away my Power and my loving wife helps me get it back, little by little, when she feels safe enough to let me reverse the roles and be the “abuser.” We have safe words and we talk abiut what does and doesn’t work all the time.
I was ashamed when I was assaulted andnthen later felt even more ashamed by being into “consensual non-consensual” sex. Once I embraced it instead of feeling ashamed life was much easier lol
Good luck any men reading this. Be careful who you tell; i hate to say it but it’s only true. Be sure their opinion of you won’t change
Apparently I don’t. I simply suppressed it to the point I know it happened, it’s probably responsible for my initiation and performance anxiety, but inside my head it doesn’t ‘click’. Like my brain refuses to acknowledge reality and pretends it is fine.
This thread makes me feel like I have decent friends. I told my friends at party we were all talking about the worst sex we’d had and I told my story, cause at the time I didn’t think of it as SA. They hugged me and told me they were there for me. Hell when I confined in another friend that a boy from elementary school touched me she told me she was sorry and that the same had happen to her and empathized.
So maybe don’t listen to the other people if your friends/family are not complete shit bags.
Humor. I wrote a blog about it. The worst thing now is people’s reactions telling me I’m lucky for having it happen because she was a hot older chick. 👌I would’ve preferred the natural way.
I didn’t even realize I was sexually assaulted at 14 till recently, I am 42. Half of me is still saying what happened was my intent while the other half doesn’t want to think about how her actions changed the trajectory of my life for the worse.
Go to a therapist and let them help you sort through this trauma on your own.
I’m a 25 year old man who’s been through a story book of bullshit in my time, and the most consistent thing I’ve seen is to never ever ask other men for help when it comes to mental health. We’re not very helpful.
I, personally, try to take it day by day. Just survive each day and make sure to treat others with love and kindness. Don’t let the evil of the world take your spark away from you
I just pretend it never happened. My mom was the one to SA me and had my brother and I pin it on an innocent party. I was a child. I didn’t know the implications of a false accusation. I lie awake at night wondering what happened to that person sometimes.
My oldest brother raped and molested me from 6ish to 14ish.
I’ve had a rough life so trauma was kinda just par for the course. Pain, shame, embarrassment, torture both verbally and physically, bullied by teachers and students, was my daily. Couldn’t change it so why dwell.. got me through a number of years like that. I definitely didn’t have a healthy relationship with relationships so it was one toxic girl after the next..
Mid 30s now, diagnosed with ADHD, CPTSD, childhood trauma including SA, parental neglect, and am a type 1 diabetic..
Umm I’m good now. I’m actually in a stable relationship, married 6 years, have 4 kiddos, 2 each from previous marriages. I’m going back to college full-time after an abysmal first attempt and I’m on the president’s list with a 3.85 GPA. I work full-time in healthcare. Oh I’m also writing a book and developing a couple of apps, just started playing around coding.. one is an education, fact-based app! Going to be really cool!
I am pretty prolific on Reddit talking about my situation, and I must say this:
You must absolutely speak out. The situation for men is not going to get any better if we all sit in silence.
I know it is scary, I know people are cruel, trust me, I lost my degree when I spoke out about what happened to me. But I kept fighting, and I have even won some victories recently. I got my money back through a borrower’s defense filing from the university that expelled me in retaliation for speaking out, and I have since put my life back on track where I have a stable six figure job, a wonderful apartment, and I also have an amazing community and great friends in a city I love. I achieved all of this thanks to an amazing therapist who has been my rock and by using my voice. I now unofficially volunteer to help other SA victims whenever they come to me for help.
If anyone in this thread needs someone to talk to, hit my DMs and I will do what I can to find you resources, and if nothing else, listen. Listening and being an empathetic witness is so key, and men just don’t get it enough. If someone tells you their story, the most important thing you can do is listen.
I’ve never been SAed but I’m seeing a lot of people in here say they don’t talk about it because no one cares, I just want to let you all know that I care and if anyone in my life ever opened up to me about it, I would listen and support you as best I possibly can.
i tried telling people, and i dont really anymore. my girlfriend knows and supports me, as she also has a history. my mom did not believe me when i told her (“getting molested isnt the same thing as getting raped. youre fine.” (i was raped, ftr. i told her i was molested because it was easier for me to tell her.)) and my dad doesnt know and probably never will. how do i cope? i really dont. it happened when i was just starting puberty, so my relationship with sex is fundamentally ruined. i would like to try schema therapy, as traditional therapy hasnt worked well for me due to having developed cptsd for unrelated reasons as well as a dissociative disorder, but its near impossible to find a schema therapist for a reasonable price. so at this point i just smoke weed and take it day by day.
I started College as a virgin because my parents were very protective. Towards the end of my junior year I met a girl. She was cool at first, then she turned out to be a conspiracy theorist. She thought all politicians were pedophile rapists except for Trump obviously.
Long story short she got obsessed with me, I kept rejecting her, then at one party I was drinking my second beer and suddenly the world was spinning, I just assumed maybe I didn’t eat a lot that day. I went home alone or so I thought. In the morning I woke up covered in my own vomit and there was the girl smiling. “I’m surprised you got it up that much. Also, it’s such a good thing I was here. You almost choked on your vomit”. At first I thought “Damn I must have drank way too much”. Then as my memory returned I realized I said no plenty of times. I still hear her voice say “You know you keep saying ay no, but your friend tells me otherwise.” Also, the reason I was hammered after two drinks is because she spiked the second one with ecstasy.
I told my friends and they celebrated me not being a virgin. They thought it was awesome. Anyway now I still have trouble even talking to girls, and I’m called “creepy and incelly” because every time I talk to them I get flashbacks of that night and I break out in sweats. The only girl who talks to me regularly is my best friend.
Almost no one believes me, even my mom told me I was overreacting, and even this comment is going to get replies like “Karma bot” or “fake story”. Now I tell no one except my therapist. I used to cope with alcohol, now I’m in AA. Sober one year now, life still sucks but therapy is making things easier, or it was until United healthcare stopped paying for appointments. Now I’m isolating myself because I’m afraid of spiraling and hurting those closest to me. I guess I don’t cope, I just find ways to not take my emotions out of those around me.
I was a kid when it happened. He did it to other kids as well and I had my day in court, so I have a unique sense of closure, I guess. Makes it a little easier. I try to focus on me to keep the depression away. It’s definitely made me more stoic over the years to the point I feel kinda numb all the time in a bulwark sort of way. Easier to not think about it and to feel accomplished when I’m occupied, so I try to do that the most. Got my Masters in Nuclear Science and Engineering, so I don’t really struggle financially, which is a double-edged sword. On one hand, a lot of free time to feel worthless, shitty, and blow money on booze, but also a lot of financial means to pursue hobbies to stay occupied. I mainly wargame (warhammer 40k), play video games, and go to the gym to socialize healthily. For my quiet time, I read, hike, and travel the US and Canada by myself on my motorcycle and camp. I’ve come to terms with it and think I have a sustainable long-term sense of balance. Some days are still bad, most are lukewarm, and a few are really nice. It gets easier with age.
It was only once, it wasn’t violent and I was too young to understand what was going on, so I don’t really need to cope. It’s just a little weird having this thing that hardly anybody knows about me.
I was regularly raped as a child and I’m usually pretty open about it to people that know me well. Talking about it does help.
I reported the guy and he’s in jail now, which helped a lot of the PTSD go away. I talk about it with my mum a lot, as well as my sister who recieved the same treatment from the same person.
I’m kind of going off hope now. I really hate my rapist, and I’m enjoying watching as his life gets torn to pieces for what he did. I’m even planning to give my testimony in court right on front of him, not with me in the room with him, but I’m putting him in the room with me.
This mentality helps but it’s specific to me only. Everyone has different situations and therefore different approaches.
Guys should be able to talk about it more. It actually makes a massive difference.
These comments are really what has hurt my dating life most. A lot of the men I’ve been with come from shifty childhoods and they exhibit signs of sexual abuse. But I know they would never ever talk to anyone about it, let alone their wife.
All of these comments make me so deeply sad on another level.
Well, the first time, she died in April of 2001 so I don’t have to worry about that anymore.
Recently, I shared his information locally with different Discord servers, web sites, and apps where he has appeared. He’s been banned from the Discord servers & his account(s) have been reported and removed. Before I have sex, I’ve made it clear to not touch that area no matter how much you think massaging my prostate will enhance my orgasm & make me cum more. Foreplay enhances it tremendously so let’s do that.
I was SAed by my friend when we were both in third grade. Yeah it disturbed me sometimes but honestly I don’t think much into it. We were kids and we were all stupid and I’m sure he’s a better person now – or not. Either way I don’t let it bother me nowadays.
By wishing my abuser was a woman so atleast I wouldn’t have been sodomized. Along with a deep resentment to any and all authority and a deep persistent rage that never burns away.
It seems to be ready to lash out at any and all perceived wrongdoing against myself and others. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have wished some bitch or bastard would fuck around and find out with me. Maybe that mindset is what drives them away, idk.
I want to burn and rage, destroying the world and everything in it before I suck start a pistol and end my own unending torment.
Though I keep it well hidden with sarcasm, wit, and my winning smile. Nobody will know the truth, though. Save for you strangers.
Only told three people and the internet about it. On the internet it’s a mix of “oh shut up” and “sorry that happened to you.” In real life I told two women about my assault by a woman.
A few years later the whole “man or bear” discussion happened. Both women independently told me “you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never had to deal with SA.” Both forgot I had told them. Male SA is so unimportant that even people close to you forget. Even when they are sympathetic.
So I don’t talk about it or anything. What’s the point? It’s not like it was physically painful, just violating. For me, anyways.
They laughed and even cheered him when my 12 y/o friend got molested by a 18 y/o woman and later when he was 14 by another 23 y/o woman, both his father’s employees (waitresses)
Molested/raped by my father until I was 5 or so. At 15, he woke me up in the middle of the night to ask if I wanted a blow job. Lost my virginity to a 23 year old when I was 16. That gives you a little history.
All my life I carried it and felt great shame. I loved my dad, but also hated him. Hated what he did to me. Our family was always dirt poor, moved constantly, my dad was a “professional panhandler.” Never had stability. Sexual abuse and physical abuse from my father was compounded by emotional abuse and manipulation from my mother. At 15, when he prepositioned me in the middle of the night, I was sleeping on the couch because I didn’t have my own room or privacy. I remember him whispering to wake me up and him being on his knees naked when he asked. I said no sleepily and pretended I fell back to sleep, but there was no sleep. Only fear. The next day at school, I was a wreck. Nobody asked what was wrong. Nobody cared. Nobody was protecting me. I came home that day and told my mom what happened (just as I did when I was 5). Her and my dad went into their room for what seemed like an eternity (probably more like an hour) and then they called me in so my dad could apologize. That was it. I never felt safe with my dad, obviously. And my mom was selfish in that instead of protecting me, she always chose him and the status quo. I spent my childhood wishing they’d divorce and eagerly anticipating when I’d be ready to move out. Then at 16, one of my mom’s work friends was over and my mom went to bed early leaving me and her friend hanging out. Things started within 10 minutes of my mom going to bed. I don’t necessarily feel like I was abused in that instance. I obviously wasn’t uneducated with sex and pretty much had hypersexuality, so was ready to go. Even now, despite the age gap and me being young, I don’t have any regrets or negative feelings about that. It was awesome. We dated for a couple months, until I decided I wanted to date somebody my own age at my school that I could see all the time and not just a few nights a week.
As far as coping. I’ve always been hypersexual in my relationships. Never really been into porn. I enjoy making videos with my wife and whatnot, but it’s more the experience for me. I carried a lot of shame from my dad for a looooong time. Never told anybody for great of being judged or, even worse to me, pitied. Told my wife, of course. Then, something happened right before my 30th birthday. I became a dad. A switch inside me flipped. I knew that if anything happened to my kids, I’d want them to open up about it and not carry it the way I did. So, I started sharing more and more, while holding back less and less.
My dad and I never really discussed what he did or how it impacted me before he passed a few years ago. I’ve been NC with my mom for the last few years as well, because of her constant manipulation and undermining. I’m in therapy now, because of challenges in my marriage a couple years ago where my wife was manipulated and lost her way. We’re in a far, far better place now and the future is bright af. In therapy, my therapist does occasionally connect what’s happened over the last couple years to my parents. How I was betrayed, not protected, never the priority, etc.
That said, my childhood traumas have manifested coping in several ways. I’m kind of a control freak. My abilities to adapt, read people, mitigate crises, and general survival instincts are off the charts. As a result, I’ve flourished in my career. Coming from nothing to having a high paying job with no education and then having my employer cover both my undergrad and MBA had afforded me and my family stability that I’ve never known. My wife has provided me with love I’ve never known. She’s just now learning about a lot of her traumas, which fed a majority of our problems over the last couple years, but we’re healing. . . individually and together.
Not sure if this all helps and I’m sure I’ve left out a ton of nuance/context, but hope somebody can find it useful if even to just not feel alone. Thanks for reading.
Edit: oh! Forgot to add something. In relation to the last couple years, my wife ended 2 toxic friendships. One was her best friend of 25 years and was codependent. The other was a friend that manipulated her and pushed her boundaries when she was emotionally weak. Her actions were her own, but her mental state was not sound. He had manipulated via a trauma bond from 20 years ago over loss of a friend from breast cancer and that dovetailed with her sister getting breast cancer. He used it all against her. The relevance here is that just a few days ago, I ended a 28 year friendship. She was a girlfriend in high school for a few weeks and I was her first kiss, but we’ve kept in touch and talked ever since. The other night, on my wife’s birthday of all nights, she messaged me asking for a pic. I immediately threw up boundaries, shared with the wife, and then gave her a goodbye message with a note that I was blocking her and why. Then I followed through. So, apparently, all my traumas have taught me how to set/enforce boundaries as well.
It was when I was 4 yo. I don’t think anyone care about it, I am a man and who did it was a women. So I just have to learn how to live with it and overcome it, hopefully I have great women or girl friends models so it helps you to heal, otherwise I don’t know what would happen.
Cope? Ha! As a male, and having the SA happen to me as a child, under 5, by another male family member, and having it happen for YEARS before it finally stopped, and that was only by chance, because my mom moved from one part of the country to another due to her job…. There was never any coping for me. I was called a liar when I finally came forward to my family about it. Tried – later in life as an early adult – to speak to Therapist about it and was told that the SA was somehow because of something I did!? Like fuckn for REAL I was told this by a TRAINED PROFESSIONAL….. I was literally 4 when it first happened. I was 8 or 9 when it finally stopped. Yeah… Sure was my fault for looking to fuckn sexy as a little boy…
No… I pushed it – and still do – away. I now make sure I protect my own kids from miserable fucks like my cousin and as far as I’m concerned in my life, all my family are dead. They don’t exist. They will NEVER meet my kids, let alone ever even know their names, or even that they exist. I suppose, THATS how I cope.
Grandma, Mom, family friend, should I keep going? Attractive male with a big… sense of humor. Used to smoke all day, drink more than most alcoholics and countless one night stands. Now: steroids, working out, running and a healthy relationship.
Mine was odd because it was an attractive woman who decided that me saying no wasn’t acceptable. So she purposely got me blackout drunk and then basically wrestled me into sex after asking me to help her carry stuff up to her apartment.
I was still saying no while trying to pull myself in to the fetal position so she couldn’t get my pants off, but my arms felt like they were jello and I had very little way to stop it despite being much larger than her. The whole thing is blurry, but i remember flashes of it like her being on top or her trying to go down on me and me pulling my knees up to my chin. And much like women getting wet while being raped, men can get hard too. Erections are involuntary.
What I took away from it was that most women will look at hetrosexual sexual assualt as “What are you complaining about? She’s cute.” or “You have sex with a lot of women, what’s one more?”
And realistically, it was less traumatizing and more angering at the hypocrisy. I had a friend who’d talked about being drugged and dated raped and how horrible it was. Then that same woman laughed it off when I told her about what happened to me.
Absolutely no women took it seriously. I slept around a lot back then and it was seen as just another hookup. It’s like that myth that all guys want sex all the time no matter what short circuited their empathy.
Guys at least were awkwardly sympathetic. There was certainly no urging me to go to the cops, but there was some degree of “Oh man, that sucks, fuck her.”
Overall I don’t think it’s significantly affected me in the long term, but it certainly made me more cynical about how men’s sexuality is viewed by society and that I should expect no sympathy unless the rapist is another man.
Not very well. My earliest memories are of hiding in a closet trying to make myself as small as possible and play with my pogs as quietly as possible so the lady and her daughter who were molesting me wouldn’t find me. Most of my family just shrugged and said “girls have always liked you.” My grandmother is the exception and her response was worse. She said “at least you didn’t get buggered like your dad.” That’s how I found out that my dad was bisexual. He wasn’t molested, my grandmother just thought him being bisexual was worse than getting molested. I’ve join support groups online and get blank responses instead of the supportive ones the women were getting in these groups.
I was extremely “nearly SA’d” because I was in a really shitty life situation (kinda still am) and relied on someone I thought I could rely on so I wasn’t walking home in sub-zero weather at midnight just out of high school. I was touched in ways over my clothes that were so uncomfortable I felt it in my bones. In one situation I was almost positive I was about to be sexually assaulted as I was getting touched again and I was so frozen up that I could barely give replies and I was deathly afraid.
Uh but no, like nobody fucking cares. No one will ever talk about it, no one has any real reply when it’s mentioned, as for my parents one was busy being angry at me for everything and the other was busy being drunk or working so we had a place to live since the divorce was ongoing. So yeah.
I had a one-off situation that I was able to compartmentalize (or just hide behind substances) for a year until I encountered that person again at a work event.
It resulted in me having some weird manic episode like thing happen… Still not sure, but it was very scary.
I thankfully had told my therapist about it (after being pushed into it for sudden drinking issues thank God) and ended up telling my wife, my Mom, and reporting it to HR at my work (since it was an employee). My therapist helped me understand what happened and that I have nothing to feel guilty about…
Apparently no doesn’t mean no when you are guy according to my work, but my wife and Mom were very understanding. It wasn’t easy though and people don’t understand well…. My Dad struggles to get it and most of my male friends turned out to not be… Understanding or willing to engage.
I was very lucky and while I don’t have any magic words, thoughts, or advice… I am here to reply if I can somehow provide insight or help someone.
The strange part is the more I talk about it, I’ve come to learn some things in my past were also a bit strange (older women stuff when I was young) and it’s been a journey and I’m not willing to call all of that SA, but I am 100% willing to say that our society and relationship with sex is fucked up in Western culture.
So thanks for asking and thank you to every single person sharing their story – that alone is so powerful, for you and for others going through something similar.
Doctor laughed in my face when I asked for an std screening after being drugged and r*ped by a female with no protection. I didnt know if she was one of those people who went around spreading stds for the hell of it and I just wanted to make sure I was good.
I kept a lot of my feelings towards the encounter bottled up and I couldnt trust women for a while. But time heals all wounds.
Fuck it we ball. Raped at 14 (29 now) and molested twice before then. My mother believed me but no one else did and nothing was able to be done. I can only hope the perpetrators are miserable seeing as I’ve moved since then.
Happy-ish but still not fully okay.
Edit: realized this is asking how we cope. I drink.
Denial. I was pissed by getting sliced open and immediately jumped upon. I was telling her off but horny and stubborn just kept at it. Instead of getting violent I just thrusted away and allowed her to get where she was going. I don’t think that was SA but it was sure irritating
Bill Maher on Craig Furguson highlights an attitude among the public that doesn’t help victims of SA at all.
(Bill talking about Michael Jackson accusations) “Very wrong. But, you know, I remember when I was a kid. I was savagely beaten once by bullies in the schoolyard. Savagely beaten. If I had a choice between being savagely beaten and being gently masturbated by a pop star. … (shrugs) It’s just me.”
Craig rightfully cut the interview short and Bill was gone when the commercial break was over.
Was abused by my male older cousin as a very young child for nearly a decade until he got old enough to start fucking people his age and got bored of me.
I just don’t think about it. I don’t think about the way my childhood was warped by his actions. I don’t think about how I became hyper sexual from an uncomfortably young age and now that ruined a lot of my childhood friendships. I don’t think about how I put all my self worth and value as a human down to giving people sexual gratification. I don’t think about how many years I spent trying to process what happened to me over and over and over only to fall into escapism anyway and ruin nearly a decade of my life doing stupid amounts of drugs.
Oh and now that I’m sober, it’s worse.
I don’t think about how almost every single relationship in my life is/has or will be tainted by his actions. I don’t think about how I’ll never be comfortable in my own skin, about how I can’t hug people anymore. I don’t think about how there’s a part of me that will feel relief when my brother and parents are gone so I can finally step out of this world and be at peace because after what he did there will never be a time where I feel genuinely and completely okay. I don’t think about the way that I’ve accepted it’s genuinely better for me to just be alone for the rest of my life because what he did has made me such a complicated person to get close to and I cannot do that to people anymore. I don’t think about how I’ll probably never have a family of my own because of him, about how all I’ve ever wanted was to be part of a normal family and realistically I will never have that because while when I’m okay, I could probably do it, there are stretches of time where I’m really, really not okay and you can’t do that to a wife or child. You can’t just break down for weeks at a time and not be a burden.
I don’t think about how I have had “friends” call me a coward because of how the complex PTSD I have from being raped hundreds of times as a child means I have no middle ground when it comes to conflict. You can put a gun to my head or scream you’re going to kill me or simply raise your voice a little bit talking about how me burping at dinner was a little rude, it gets the same emotional response from my brain. I can THINK myself into a fight or flight response and panic attack by IMAGINING conflict while laying in bed. I don’t think about how I will never get a single good night sleep, how every night for as long as I can remember I sleep fitfully for maybe an hour at a time before waking because I have constant nightmares.
I just can’t think about it. Because despite all of this, there are good people in my life worth being here for, no matter how hard it is. And because I’m worth it. Because i deserve to feel happy, and to have a life. And because i will NOT let him take another mother fucking second of my happiness from me.
So you put one foot in front of the other, you go to therapy, you see your friends, you muddle through just like everyone else is, and you don’t think about it.
Comments
Smoke my Brain and lungs away. As a male no one gives a fuck because they think we’d enjoy it when not every guys a piece of shit. That’s why I keep my mouth shut and dab till it hurts
Therapy, having a safety net of people to rely on, and finding other ways to cope.
It sucks, but I find a lot of solidarity in female centric surviver groups
Repress and work until I forget or die
I know it happened but I don’t know who and what went down. A complete block.
You’ll be surprised (or not) to find out that no one believes men either. Especially if it happened when you were a kid and the perpetrator was well-liked in the community.
In terms of coping? Therapy. Lots of therapy. Decades of therapy.
Don’t tell anyone. Ever.
No one has sympathy. No one gives a shit. No one is going to be supportive, understanding, or there for you.
“You must have wanted it”, “men can’t really be raped”, “what did you do to make them do that to you?” Are the responses I have gotten from the closest friends and family when I have confided in them about what happened to me a few years ago.
So now? I don’t tell anyone. Ever.
Eh, was obligated to go to therapy for it. Didn’t really “work”, best route is just live normally.
Sarcasm and weed
Repression.
Therapy and close friends I can talk to.
I’ve been drugged and raped twice by different women who I thought were my friends. I share my experience without shame when appropriate, ie it’s not my personality. Im traumatized when it comes to accepting food and drinks that I didn’t make or wasn’t given to me by a restaurant/bar staff member. I go to therapy and hang out with friends who understand that if I ask for unopened cans or bottles (even water), it’s not that I don’t trust them, it’s just a trauma response.
However, I’ve noticed that when I share my story, it gets downplayed or even dismissed by both men and women.
Honestly, I just suppressed it for years. I just came to the conclusion that it had happened and that it was wrong. I let my therapist know, then told my family.
Don’t tell anymore.
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Damn, all these males in here are fucking traumatized, i feel bad for y’all.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Therapy and medication
I was SA’ed as a minor by a live in Nanny.
For many years I wore it like a badge of honor. I was the first guy in my grade to lose his V card. I suppressed the memory and moved on, sharing my story from time to time.
Eventually I came here and answered an Ask Reddit post years ago about it that made me realize that I was, in fact, SA’ed. Ever since, my perspective has changed dramatically about it and I communicate about it whenever I see a question like this.
Talking about it as the negative that it is has given me power over it when for years I didn’t have it. I will say this though, if you open up about it expecting sympathy, you may be sorely mistaken. There is still a stigma that Men cannot be SA’ed. Though I disagree with it, it’s still a thing. So come into these spaces with an open mind, share your story, take control of it, and if you are within the statute of limitations and are comfortable in your area to come forward with it, do so.
Frankly, I think more people should come forward about their SA’s, but I also know that it’s a touchy subject.
Take care of yourself. Stay strong. Know that you are not alone and that you are seen.
I’m sorry that whatever happened to you happened. I hope you are able to begin the path of healing.
EDIT FOR MORE INFORMATION: I wore it as a badge of honor because my mother had me convinced that I was capable of both seducing and coercing a 22 year old nanny at the age of 12. I never saw myself as a victim, the realization simply helped me to recontextualize the events and certain facts in my mind. The power I attained over the SA was simply the acquiring of the truth. Having the truth of an event can be very powerful, and for me, it helped me to overcome. /END EDIT
You’re not any less of a man. And I think you SHOULD talk to someone about it, just make sure you choose safe people to open up to like a therapist or trusted friend. Unfortunately toxic masculinity swirls when stuff like this happens. What happened wasn’t your fault, and you are far from the only one, it just doesn’t get talked about as often.
All these sarcastic comments kinda highlight the point I’m gonna make. No one really cares or believes you.
Sa’d by my brother for years. Finally cracked when a bunch of other stuff was going on in my life and told my parents about everything. Got into therapy. Got on meds. Today? They still financially support him and his kid. Therapist has been entirely unhelpful in dealing with anything. And the meds don’t seem to do jack for my mood.
Add in I was recently diagnosed with epilepsy that we don’t know how long I’ve had it for (symptoms can be hard to spot if they aren’t your “normal” epilepsy symptoms) and I’ve been completely written off. Apparently one of the symptoms of my type of epilepsy is new or worsening ptsd/ depression symptoms. So clearly it’s all because of the epilepsy…
Bottom line, im not sure you ever get over it. Fake it till you make it cause no one else will believe, care, or do much of anything to help you.
On the rare chance you have someone close enough you can confide in and lean on for support, cherish them. It’s not common and most will leave or get tired of supporting you.
I’m here if you wanna dm
Like everything else. Just dont talk about it.
Deleting this comment later. Realized that coping was a porn addiction when I was a teen/young adult. I’ve been clean for a few years. My other friend who was molested with me shot himself and also dealt with porn addiction. We are both bipolar, probably just a coincidence. But honestly all I’ve gotten was a “thats crazy” or people just don’t get it. Just look at the response Kanye West got from discussing childhood sexual trauma. I read a log showing hes been sexually exposed for years. Now he’s a gooner porn addict.
i cant cope
I remind myself that it’s not my fault I couldn’t stop her. Physical strength means nothing against being injected with random shit while you sleep.
Had an encounter with a gay dude while I was drunk. I got into his truck i didn’t know he was gay he was also known to my family. He invited me to hit some cbd pen with him as soon as I hit it I got sent to another dimension and could barely react to what he was doing. He started caressing my thigh, I was in the passenger seat he said “don’t tell anyone” he unzipped his pants grabbed my hand and started moving it to his groin. That’s when I was finally able to fucking think and sucker punched him in the face unlocked the door and got out. DO NOT hit vapes from other people idk wtf was in it but I couldn’t think for shit. As for how I cope, not sure I told my friends about it but they find it fucking funny and tease my about it to this day. Idk why but if you tell people you’ve been through SA as a man they laugh or don’t care. My advice keep it yourself because no one cares
Abused by my uncle as a child, court case barrister told me I was lying made me feel like a horrible person for accusing someone of sexual abuse. He got off due to lack of evidence, judge told me and my family he believed me then turns out he gets arrested for being a paedophile. Ever since, I’ve repressed everything and suffered as a result of it and it’s ruined me. Innocent child destroyed and my life has been topsy turvy, but just getting by every day.
I don’t talk about it in any way. As at least one other person on here said, nobody ever gives a damn when it’s a male that was SA’ed. So for me, i help others who’ve gone through it as much as I can, but I repress all emotions that relate to the event.
After a woman therapist told me at least I wasn’t a woman, after sharing how I was SA by my roommate while in CPS….. I just don’t. No one cares, not my friends, not my family, not even the professional help you’re supposed to get when you reach out. I’m so sick of it all and it’s been years of rotting since I told that therapist.
Live, forget, sometimes remember, think about it and try to forget again
Sarcasm, video games, alcohol with 0% sense of moderation.
High all the time. It isn’t the best method but it keeps my mind clear and not thinking about it. The past is the past but it still has that grasp on me. Also i only really smoke weed but i think that ship is starting to sink since the tolerance is stronger than my budget can handle. I guess ill be dealing with it soon one way or another.
I just want to say how heartbroken I am to hear the responses. And I’m sure all of you are the tip of the iceberg. There are a lot of male survivors.
I repressed for over 8 years. It almost ruined my marriage. Finally spoke out about it and stopped blaming myself. I still have issues being touched all the time but my marriage is 12 years along now. I have children. Honestly, I just want to forget. I still get uncomfortable around certain topics. But I’m startin to heal. Slowly but surely.
Drinking, repression, self destructive tendencies. Church.
Just keep it to myself
Don’t listen to any of these comments about being silent. Do tell people.
It is awful. You feel worthless. You feel powerless. You feel vulnerable. But you are going to feel that anyway, don’t feel it alone.
Yes, there is chance some people will downplay it. Even some might mock you. These are bad people, do not keep them in your life.
If you have access to mental health treatment, call and make an appointment with a therapist. You are not the first to think or feel the way you do. There are many of us, a lot more than you’d think and we’ve been through it too. Therapists are trained to help you sort out what thoughts are valid and what thoughts are harmful.
Be kind to yourself. Remember that strength takes many forms. Having the courage to be vulnerable is strength.
When you hide pain the only person you hurt is yourself. I PROMISE that people will be kind to you, they will be compassionate and they will be understanding. You do not have to be alone in your pain.
If you open up, you will find that the pain becomes a little less to bear. It’s a snowball effect, you will become more comfortable talking about it, processing it. Your support system can help you carry the weight of it.
It is tempting to throw your hands up in the air and give up. Believe that no one will listen or care. Comments here definitely support that and give you an echo chamber of despair. Misery loves company after all.
They don’t know what they’re talking about. They are wrong. You are worth caring about and your trauma is real.
Therapy really helped me. It was hard and difficult work. I cried so much during it. But in the end I reached the goal of it: How to cope and stop the flashbacks. Did wonders for me.
I don’t think about it. He’s in a little cardboard tube now anyway. Doubt if anyone even knows where it is.
Was pretty much tortured as a kid, covered in scars.
Tbh, I don’t know if this is a chicken/egg scenario but I don’t really have any major emotions in general.
I’m always surprised when other men have to “deal” with anything. It’s just life, and there is always some bloated corpse who had it worse then you.
Not healthy, but I get comfort from her being constantly paranoid. It honestly doesn’t mean much to me, but so long as she never sees peace again, I like it.
Forget about it for a while. Remember it and get a dump of adrenaline and feel like shit for a day or two. Eventually forget about it for a while. Repeat.
I survive out of pure spite for my abuser. Turned the shame and hatred into energy to create a meaningful life that I control and can’t take away from me. They SA’d me and then tried to kill me. Well guess what, I’m just going to live even harder.
Edit: thank you everyone for your kind words, and thank you to everyone here who has shared their stories. It’s not easy to do. Mine isn’t really unique among victims, but my hope is that I can be a positive force in at least one person’s life and negate the evil my abuser tried to put into the world. My DMs are open for anyone who needs to talk.
It’s sad how differently guys cope with SA compared to girls.
(I’m a guy and I completely understand why. I just think it’s disappointing how little people care about men and their struggles.)
I was raped while on Ambien. It sucks. No one believes me. You get labeled a liar. A cheater. I don’t tell anyone now.
Kink. My wife is the sweetest, most innocent-looking woman I know. But in the last few months we’ve discovered that we’re both at our happiest when I get to become a terrible monster and she my “unwillng” victim.
Years ago a man took away my Power and my loving wife helps me get it back, little by little, when she feels safe enough to let me reverse the roles and be the “abuser.” We have safe words and we talk abiut what does and doesn’t work all the time.
I was ashamed when I was assaulted andnthen later felt even more ashamed by being into “consensual non-consensual” sex. Once I embraced it instead of feeling ashamed life was much easier lol
Good luck any men reading this. Be careful who you tell; i hate to say it but it’s only true. Be sure their opinion of you won’t change
Apparently I don’t. I simply suppressed it to the point I know it happened, it’s probably responsible for my initiation and performance anxiety, but inside my head it doesn’t ‘click’. Like my brain refuses to acknowledge reality and pretends it is fine.
I drink. I use drugs. I talk to a therapist. I used to self harm but not anymore
alcohol
I ignore it
Ten years of psychoanalysis.. and drugs. And many years of self harm.
Pretend it never happened. Distract myself when something reminds me. Drink.
This thread makes me feel like I have decent friends. I told my friends at party we were all talking about the worst sex we’d had and I told my story, cause at the time I didn’t think of it as SA. They hugged me and told me they were there for me. Hell when I confined in another friend that a boy from elementary school touched me she told me she was sorry and that the same had happen to her and empathized.
So maybe don’t listen to the other people if your friends/family are not complete shit bags.
Humor. I wrote a blog about it. The worst thing now is people’s reactions telling me I’m lucky for having it happen because she was a hot older chick. 👌I would’ve preferred the natural way.
I didn’t even realize I was sexually assaulted at 14 till recently, I am 42. Half of me is still saying what happened was my intent while the other half doesn’t want to think about how her actions changed the trajectory of my life for the worse.
Poorly.
Go to a therapist and let them help you sort through this trauma on your own.
I’m a 25 year old man who’s been through a story book of bullshit in my time, and the most consistent thing I’ve seen is to never ever ask other men for help when it comes to mental health. We’re not very helpful.
I, personally, try to take it day by day. Just survive each day and make sure to treat others with love and kindness. Don’t let the evil of the world take your spark away from you
Trans now, but I was a guy back then.
I just pretend it never happened. My mom was the one to SA me and had my brother and I pin it on an innocent party. I was a child. I didn’t know the implications of a false accusation. I lie awake at night wondering what happened to that person sometimes.
My oldest brother raped and molested me from 6ish to 14ish.
I’ve had a rough life so trauma was kinda just par for the course. Pain, shame, embarrassment, torture both verbally and physically, bullied by teachers and students, was my daily. Couldn’t change it so why dwell.. got me through a number of years like that. I definitely didn’t have a healthy relationship with relationships so it was one toxic girl after the next..
Mid 30s now, diagnosed with ADHD, CPTSD, childhood trauma including SA, parental neglect, and am a type 1 diabetic..
Umm I’m good now. I’m actually in a stable relationship, married 6 years, have 4 kiddos, 2 each from previous marriages. I’m going back to college full-time after an abysmal first attempt and I’m on the president’s list with a 3.85 GPA. I work full-time in healthcare. Oh I’m also writing a book and developing a couple of apps, just started playing around coding.. one is an education, fact-based app! Going to be really cool!
I am pretty prolific on Reddit talking about my situation, and I must say this:
You must absolutely speak out. The situation for men is not going to get any better if we all sit in silence.
I know it is scary, I know people are cruel, trust me, I lost my degree when I spoke out about what happened to me. But I kept fighting, and I have even won some victories recently. I got my money back through a borrower’s defense filing from the university that expelled me in retaliation for speaking out, and I have since put my life back on track where I have a stable six figure job, a wonderful apartment, and I also have an amazing community and great friends in a city I love. I achieved all of this thanks to an amazing therapist who has been my rock and by using my voice. I now unofficially volunteer to help other SA victims whenever they come to me for help.
If anyone in this thread needs someone to talk to, hit my DMs and I will do what I can to find you resources, and if nothing else, listen. Listening and being an empathetic witness is so key, and men just don’t get it enough. If someone tells you their story, the most important thing you can do is listen.
I’ve never been SAed but I’m seeing a lot of people in here say they don’t talk about it because no one cares, I just want to let you all know that I care and if anyone in my life ever opened up to me about it, I would listen and support you as best I possibly can.
i tried telling people, and i dont really anymore. my girlfriend knows and supports me, as she also has a history. my mom did not believe me when i told her (“getting molested isnt the same thing as getting raped. youre fine.” (i was raped, ftr. i told her i was molested because it was easier for me to tell her.)) and my dad doesnt know and probably never will. how do i cope? i really dont. it happened when i was just starting puberty, so my relationship with sex is fundamentally ruined. i would like to try schema therapy, as traditional therapy hasnt worked well for me due to having developed cptsd for unrelated reasons as well as a dissociative disorder, but its near impossible to find a schema therapist for a reasonable price. so at this point i just smoke weed and take it day by day.
I started College as a virgin because my parents were very protective. Towards the end of my junior year I met a girl. She was cool at first, then she turned out to be a conspiracy theorist. She thought all politicians were pedophile rapists except for Trump obviously.
Long story short she got obsessed with me, I kept rejecting her, then at one party I was drinking my second beer and suddenly the world was spinning, I just assumed maybe I didn’t eat a lot that day. I went home alone or so I thought. In the morning I woke up covered in my own vomit and there was the girl smiling. “I’m surprised you got it up that much. Also, it’s such a good thing I was here. You almost choked on your vomit”. At first I thought “Damn I must have drank way too much”. Then as my memory returned I realized I said no plenty of times. I still hear her voice say “You know you keep saying ay no, but your friend tells me otherwise.” Also, the reason I was hammered after two drinks is because she spiked the second one with ecstasy.
I told my friends and they celebrated me not being a virgin. They thought it was awesome. Anyway now I still have trouble even talking to girls, and I’m called “creepy and incelly” because every time I talk to them I get flashbacks of that night and I break out in sweats. The only girl who talks to me regularly is my best friend.
Almost no one believes me, even my mom told me I was overreacting, and even this comment is going to get replies like “Karma bot” or “fake story”. Now I tell no one except my therapist. I used to cope with alcohol, now I’m in AA. Sober one year now, life still sucks but therapy is making things easier, or it was until United healthcare stopped paying for appointments. Now I’m isolating myself because I’m afraid of spiraling and hurting those closest to me. I guess I don’t cope, I just find ways to not take my emotions out of those around me.
I was a kid when it happened. He did it to other kids as well and I had my day in court, so I have a unique sense of closure, I guess. Makes it a little easier. I try to focus on me to keep the depression away. It’s definitely made me more stoic over the years to the point I feel kinda numb all the time in a bulwark sort of way. Easier to not think about it and to feel accomplished when I’m occupied, so I try to do that the most. Got my Masters in Nuclear Science and Engineering, so I don’t really struggle financially, which is a double-edged sword. On one hand, a lot of free time to feel worthless, shitty, and blow money on booze, but also a lot of financial means to pursue hobbies to stay occupied. I mainly wargame (warhammer 40k), play video games, and go to the gym to socialize healthily. For my quiet time, I read, hike, and travel the US and Canada by myself on my motorcycle and camp. I’ve come to terms with it and think I have a sustainable long-term sense of balance. Some days are still bad, most are lukewarm, and a few are really nice. It gets easier with age.
It was only once, it wasn’t violent and I was too young to understand what was going on, so I don’t really need to cope. It’s just a little weird having this thing that hardly anybody knows about me.
I was regularly raped as a child and I’m usually pretty open about it to people that know me well. Talking about it does help.
I reported the guy and he’s in jail now, which helped a lot of the PTSD go away. I talk about it with my mum a lot, as well as my sister who recieved the same treatment from the same person.
I’m kind of going off hope now. I really hate my rapist, and I’m enjoying watching as his life gets torn to pieces for what he did. I’m even planning to give my testimony in court right on front of him, not with me in the room with him, but I’m putting him in the room with me.
This mentality helps but it’s specific to me only. Everyone has different situations and therefore different approaches.
Guys should be able to talk about it more. It actually makes a massive difference.
These comments are really what has hurt my dating life most. A lot of the men I’ve been with come from shifty childhoods and they exhibit signs of sexual abuse. But I know they would never ever talk to anyone about it, let alone their wife.
All of these comments make me so deeply sad on another level.
Drink. Go scorched earth in relationships when things go south. Therapist wants to do EMDR soon. I never told a soul for 20 years.
I live in a haze for the most part and don’t like being touched
Well, the first time, she died in April of 2001 so I don’t have to worry about that anymore.
Recently, I shared his information locally with different Discord servers, web sites, and apps where he has appeared. He’s been banned from the Discord servers & his account(s) have been reported and removed. Before I have sex, I’ve made it clear to not touch that area no matter how much you think massaging my prostate will enhance my orgasm & make me cum more. Foreplay enhances it tremendously so let’s do that.
I was SAed by my friend when we were both in third grade. Yeah it disturbed me sometimes but honestly I don’t think much into it. We were kids and we were all stupid and I’m sure he’s a better person now – or not. Either way I don’t let it bother me nowadays.
By wishing my abuser was a woman so atleast I wouldn’t have been sodomized. Along with a deep resentment to any and all authority and a deep persistent rage that never burns away.
It seems to be ready to lash out at any and all perceived wrongdoing against myself and others. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have wished some bitch or bastard would fuck around and find out with me. Maybe that mindset is what drives them away, idk.
I want to burn and rage, destroying the world and everything in it before I suck start a pistol and end my own unending torment.
Though I keep it well hidden with sarcasm, wit, and my winning smile. Nobody will know the truth, though. Save for you strangers.
Not a single person cares, so bury it, or get over it.
Therapy. Dark sense of humour. Supportive friends.
It’s been almost 20 years.
I found a woman who actually cares how I feel and never pushes things with me if I’m uncomfortable.
She’s helped heal me a lot from all my experiences with that woman.
We’ve been together 14 years and married for 7. She’s my everything.
Same way society expects me to: I just act like it didn’t happen
Only told three people and the internet about it. On the internet it’s a mix of “oh shut up” and “sorry that happened to you.” In real life I told two women about my assault by a woman.
A few years later the whole “man or bear” discussion happened. Both women independently told me “you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never had to deal with SA.” Both forgot I had told them. Male SA is so unimportant that even people close to you forget. Even when they are sympathetic.
So I don’t talk about it or anything. What’s the point? It’s not like it was physically painful, just violating. For me, anyways.
They laughed and even cheered him when my 12 y/o friend got molested by a 18 y/o woman and later when he was 14 by another 23 y/o woman, both his father’s employees (waitresses)
Molested/raped by my father until I was 5 or so. At 15, he woke me up in the middle of the night to ask if I wanted a blow job. Lost my virginity to a 23 year old when I was 16. That gives you a little history.
All my life I carried it and felt great shame. I loved my dad, but also hated him. Hated what he did to me. Our family was always dirt poor, moved constantly, my dad was a “professional panhandler.” Never had stability. Sexual abuse and physical abuse from my father was compounded by emotional abuse and manipulation from my mother. At 15, when he prepositioned me in the middle of the night, I was sleeping on the couch because I didn’t have my own room or privacy. I remember him whispering to wake me up and him being on his knees naked when he asked. I said no sleepily and pretended I fell back to sleep, but there was no sleep. Only fear. The next day at school, I was a wreck. Nobody asked what was wrong. Nobody cared. Nobody was protecting me. I came home that day and told my mom what happened (just as I did when I was 5). Her and my dad went into their room for what seemed like an eternity (probably more like an hour) and then they called me in so my dad could apologize. That was it. I never felt safe with my dad, obviously. And my mom was selfish in that instead of protecting me, she always chose him and the status quo. I spent my childhood wishing they’d divorce and eagerly anticipating when I’d be ready to move out. Then at 16, one of my mom’s work friends was over and my mom went to bed early leaving me and her friend hanging out. Things started within 10 minutes of my mom going to bed. I don’t necessarily feel like I was abused in that instance. I obviously wasn’t uneducated with sex and pretty much had hypersexuality, so was ready to go. Even now, despite the age gap and me being young, I don’t have any regrets or negative feelings about that. It was awesome. We dated for a couple months, until I decided I wanted to date somebody my own age at my school that I could see all the time and not just a few nights a week.
As far as coping. I’ve always been hypersexual in my relationships. Never really been into porn. I enjoy making videos with my wife and whatnot, but it’s more the experience for me. I carried a lot of shame from my dad for a looooong time. Never told anybody for great of being judged or, even worse to me, pitied. Told my wife, of course. Then, something happened right before my 30th birthday. I became a dad. A switch inside me flipped. I knew that if anything happened to my kids, I’d want them to open up about it and not carry it the way I did. So, I started sharing more and more, while holding back less and less.
My dad and I never really discussed what he did or how it impacted me before he passed a few years ago. I’ve been NC with my mom for the last few years as well, because of her constant manipulation and undermining. I’m in therapy now, because of challenges in my marriage a couple years ago where my wife was manipulated and lost her way. We’re in a far, far better place now and the future is bright af. In therapy, my therapist does occasionally connect what’s happened over the last couple years to my parents. How I was betrayed, not protected, never the priority, etc.
That said, my childhood traumas have manifested coping in several ways. I’m kind of a control freak. My abilities to adapt, read people, mitigate crises, and general survival instincts are off the charts. As a result, I’ve flourished in my career. Coming from nothing to having a high paying job with no education and then having my employer cover both my undergrad and MBA had afforded me and my family stability that I’ve never known. My wife has provided me with love I’ve never known. She’s just now learning about a lot of her traumas, which fed a majority of our problems over the last couple years, but we’re healing. . . individually and together.
Not sure if this all helps and I’m sure I’ve left out a ton of nuance/context, but hope somebody can find it useful if even to just not feel alone. Thanks for reading.
Edit: oh! Forgot to add something. In relation to the last couple years, my wife ended 2 toxic friendships. One was her best friend of 25 years and was codependent. The other was a friend that manipulated her and pushed her boundaries when she was emotionally weak. Her actions were her own, but her mental state was not sound. He had manipulated via a trauma bond from 20 years ago over loss of a friend from breast cancer and that dovetailed with her sister getting breast cancer. He used it all against her. The relevance here is that just a few days ago, I ended a 28 year friendship. She was a girlfriend in high school for a few weeks and I was her first kiss, but we’ve kept in touch and talked ever since. The other night, on my wife’s birthday of all nights, she messaged me asking for a pic. I immediately threw up boundaries, shared with the wife, and then gave her a goodbye message with a note that I was blocking her and why. Then I followed through. So, apparently, all my traumas have taught me how to set/enforce boundaries as well.
It was when I was 4 yo. I don’t think anyone care about it, I am a man and who did it was a women. So I just have to learn how to live with it and overcome it, hopefully I have great women or girl friends models so it helps you to heal, otherwise I don’t know what would happen.
Ignore it.
My family still loves her, and communicate with her online despite knowing the things she’s done to me.
“She comes from a troubled past”
Cope? Ha! As a male, and having the SA happen to me as a child, under 5, by another male family member, and having it happen for YEARS before it finally stopped, and that was only by chance, because my mom moved from one part of the country to another due to her job…. There was never any coping for me. I was called a liar when I finally came forward to my family about it. Tried – later in life as an early adult – to speak to Therapist about it and was told that the SA was somehow because of something I did!? Like fuckn for REAL I was told this by a TRAINED PROFESSIONAL….. I was literally 4 when it first happened. I was 8 or 9 when it finally stopped. Yeah… Sure was my fault for looking to fuckn sexy as a little boy…
No… I pushed it – and still do – away. I now make sure I protect my own kids from miserable fucks like my cousin and as far as I’m concerned in my life, all my family are dead. They don’t exist. They will NEVER meet my kids, let alone ever even know their names, or even that they exist. I suppose, THATS how I cope.
Grandma, Mom, family friend, should I keep going? Attractive male with a big… sense of humor. Used to smoke all day, drink more than most alcoholics and countless one night stands. Now: steroids, working out, running and a healthy relationship.
Mine was odd because it was an attractive woman who decided that me saying no wasn’t acceptable. So she purposely got me blackout drunk and then basically wrestled me into sex after asking me to help her carry stuff up to her apartment.
I was still saying no while trying to pull myself in to the fetal position so she couldn’t get my pants off, but my arms felt like they were jello and I had very little way to stop it despite being much larger than her. The whole thing is blurry, but i remember flashes of it like her being on top or her trying to go down on me and me pulling my knees up to my chin. And much like women getting wet while being raped, men can get hard too. Erections are involuntary.
What I took away from it was that most women will look at hetrosexual sexual assualt as “What are you complaining about? She’s cute.” or “You have sex with a lot of women, what’s one more?”
And realistically, it was less traumatizing and more angering at the hypocrisy. I had a friend who’d talked about being drugged and dated raped and how horrible it was. Then that same woman laughed it off when I told her about what happened to me.
Absolutely no women took it seriously. I slept around a lot back then and it was seen as just another hookup. It’s like that myth that all guys want sex all the time no matter what short circuited their empathy.
Guys at least were awkwardly sympathetic. There was certainly no urging me to go to the cops, but there was some degree of “Oh man, that sucks, fuck her.”
Overall I don’t think it’s significantly affected me in the long term, but it certainly made me more cynical about how men’s sexuality is viewed by society and that I should expect no sympathy unless the rapist is another man.
Not very well. My earliest memories are of hiding in a closet trying to make myself as small as possible and play with my pogs as quietly as possible so the lady and her daughter who were molesting me wouldn’t find me. Most of my family just shrugged and said “girls have always liked you.” My grandmother is the exception and her response was worse. She said “at least you didn’t get buggered like your dad.” That’s how I found out that my dad was bisexual. He wasn’t molested, my grandmother just thought him being bisexual was worse than getting molested. I’ve join support groups online and get blank responses instead of the supportive ones the women were getting in these groups.
No one cares so I just have to live with it.
Nobody gives a fuck lol.
I was extremely “nearly SA’d” because I was in a really shitty life situation (kinda still am) and relied on someone I thought I could rely on so I wasn’t walking home in sub-zero weather at midnight just out of high school. I was touched in ways over my clothes that were so uncomfortable I felt it in my bones. In one situation I was almost positive I was about to be sexually assaulted as I was getting touched again and I was so frozen up that I could barely give replies and I was deathly afraid.
Uh but no, like nobody fucking cares. No one will ever talk about it, no one has any real reply when it’s mentioned, as for my parents one was busy being angry at me for everything and the other was busy being drunk or working so we had a place to live since the divorce was ongoing. So yeah.
I had a one-off situation that I was able to compartmentalize (or just hide behind substances) for a year until I encountered that person again at a work event.
It resulted in me having some weird manic episode like thing happen… Still not sure, but it was very scary.
I thankfully had told my therapist about it (after being pushed into it for sudden drinking issues thank God) and ended up telling my wife, my Mom, and reporting it to HR at my work (since it was an employee). My therapist helped me understand what happened and that I have nothing to feel guilty about…
Apparently no doesn’t mean no when you are guy according to my work, but my wife and Mom were very understanding. It wasn’t easy though and people don’t understand well…. My Dad struggles to get it and most of my male friends turned out to not be… Understanding or willing to engage.
I was very lucky and while I don’t have any magic words, thoughts, or advice… I am here to reply if I can somehow provide insight or help someone.
The strange part is the more I talk about it, I’ve come to learn some things in my past were also a bit strange (older women stuff when I was young) and it’s been a journey and I’m not willing to call all of that SA, but I am 100% willing to say that our society and relationship with sex is fucked up in Western culture.
So thanks for asking and thank you to every single person sharing their story – that alone is so powerful, for you and for others going through something similar.
I don’t bring it up. Tired of hearing “it’s ok you’re a man”.
Doctor laughed in my face when I asked for an std screening after being drugged and r*ped by a female with no protection. I didnt know if she was one of those people who went around spreading stds for the hell of it and I just wanted to make sure I was good.
I kept a lot of my feelings towards the encounter bottled up and I couldnt trust women for a while. But time heals all wounds.
Fuck it we ball. Raped at 14 (29 now) and molested twice before then. My mother believed me but no one else did and nothing was able to be done. I can only hope the perpetrators are miserable seeing as I’ve moved since then.
Happy-ish but still not fully okay.
Edit: realized this is asking how we cope. I drink.
Denial. I was pissed by getting sliced open and immediately jumped upon. I was telling her off but horny and stubborn just kept at it. Instead of getting violent I just thrusted away and allowed her to get where she was going. I don’t think that was SA but it was sure irritating
Bill Maher on Craig Furguson highlights an attitude among the public that doesn’t help victims of SA at all.
(Bill talking about Michael Jackson accusations) “Very wrong. But, you know, I remember when I was a kid. I was savagely beaten once by bullies in the schoolyard. Savagely beaten. If I had a choice between being savagely beaten and being gently masturbated by a pop star. … (shrugs) It’s just me.”
Craig rightfully cut the interview short and Bill was gone when the commercial break was over.
.
Was abused by my male older cousin as a very young child for nearly a decade until he got old enough to start fucking people his age and got bored of me.
I just don’t think about it. I don’t think about the way my childhood was warped by his actions. I don’t think about how I became hyper sexual from an uncomfortably young age and now that ruined a lot of my childhood friendships. I don’t think about how I put all my self worth and value as a human down to giving people sexual gratification. I don’t think about how many years I spent trying to process what happened to me over and over and over only to fall into escapism anyway and ruin nearly a decade of my life doing stupid amounts of drugs.
Oh and now that I’m sober, it’s worse.
I don’t think about how almost every single relationship in my life is/has or will be tainted by his actions. I don’t think about how I’ll never be comfortable in my own skin, about how I can’t hug people anymore. I don’t think about how there’s a part of me that will feel relief when my brother and parents are gone so I can finally step out of this world and be at peace because after what he did there will never be a time where I feel genuinely and completely okay. I don’t think about the way that I’ve accepted it’s genuinely better for me to just be alone for the rest of my life because what he did has made me such a complicated person to get close to and I cannot do that to people anymore. I don’t think about how I’ll probably never have a family of my own because of him, about how all I’ve ever wanted was to be part of a normal family and realistically I will never have that because while when I’m okay, I could probably do it, there are stretches of time where I’m really, really not okay and you can’t do that to a wife or child. You can’t just break down for weeks at a time and not be a burden.
I don’t think about how I have had “friends” call me a coward because of how the complex PTSD I have from being raped hundreds of times as a child means I have no middle ground when it comes to conflict. You can put a gun to my head or scream you’re going to kill me or simply raise your voice a little bit talking about how me burping at dinner was a little rude, it gets the same emotional response from my brain. I can THINK myself into a fight or flight response and panic attack by IMAGINING conflict while laying in bed. I don’t think about how I will never get a single good night sleep, how every night for as long as I can remember I sleep fitfully for maybe an hour at a time before waking because I have constant nightmares.
I just can’t think about it. Because despite all of this, there are good people in my life worth being here for, no matter how hard it is. And because I’m worth it. Because i deserve to feel happy, and to have a life. And because i will NOT let him take another mother fucking second of my happiness from me.
So you put one foot in front of the other, you go to therapy, you see your friends, you muddle through just like everyone else is, and you don’t think about it.