I’m a little lost on this situation and need help to know if I’m over reacting
My boyfriend 36M myself 31F have been dating a little over a year. I enjoy him, have fun with him and truly think he’s the man for me. BUT I have always been a little insecure about my physical appearance (even though I know I’m quite an attractive person). He does not understand that part of myself and considers it a major red flag – understandable but I’m just open and honest about my struggles in this relationship
He has a female co worker who I have always been a little jealous of as she is quite attractive, and this is who my boyfriend goes to for advice (when I do wish he could come to me). ANYWAYS – my gut feeling was telling me he was opening up a little to much about our relationship and was bothering me inside so I asked if he has ever spoken to her about our relationship or negative about myself as this relationship has been rocky lately , his response was defensive saying “she doesn’t know anything why would I tell her that” which the way he answered made me feel a little uneasy. Fast forward over a month and I went through his texts and found he was opening up about the problems in our relationship and explaining to her all my insecurities (which I don’t even tell my best friends about as I try to be a strong confident woman). Knowing that he went behind my back and talked about me with ill intent and then told her my personal insecurities, and then lied about it has me feeling very uneasy
I know going through his phone was awful and I admit that – I told him the truth about 2 min after and brought up what I found. HNow he is mad at me because I found out and went through his phone and said I would never know he lied if I didn’t look – but he is putting this ALL on me and keeps rolling his eyes saying whatever don’t trust me then- when I’m try in got forgive and build trust
How should I feel in this situation? I am hurt but willing to move forward but he doesn’t seem like he cares and he is more mad I found out he lied than anything ? I should also add the few times I met her she has very flirty and my boyfriend and her make sexual jokes often (which to me itself makes me uncomfortable but that’s “just who they are”)
Comments
Most people share relationship stuff with either their friends, family, or therapist or all of the above. You’re assuming it’s malicious when he was likely just using her as a support structure. Going through his phone was a massive breach of trust, and if you’re already having problems, I’m not sure it’s something you can and should try to recover from. It sounds like you need personal therapy to work on your insecurity, and maybe couples therapy to work on trust. It was wrong of him to lie to you as well, but as long as he isn’t discussing bedroom stuff or flirting with her, you can’t expect him not to reach out to anyone for advice. That’s what friends are for.
Okay so he:
Then you:
Him flipping this on you is to assuage his own guilt. Yes you went through his phone, and I can’t say that’s something that I would have done, but he did in fact lie to you. Then when you confronted him about that lie, he got mad at you, told you that if you hadn’t looked then you would have never known that he lied, and tried to make you feel bad about it?
All I know of what your relationship is what you’ve written here, but based on this alone, I would seriously contemplate the benefits of staying with this person.
I’m ten years younger than you, and I wasted three years of my life with someone who was terrible to me. I stayed because I loved them, and I thought they were the person for me. Eventually I realized that someone who loved me would never yell at me or make me feel small. The person for me is not someone who lies to me.
You just have to figure out what you want. I hope you know that you deserve a relationship that is full of love, fun, happiness, and communication. You deserve better than a person banking on your insecurities.
My god my home girl just went through a situation…where I have to pose the same question.
Why do you y’all keep fucking around with obviously trash ass men? Like wtf? This man blatantly disrespects tf out of you and you’re “confused” 🤦🏾♂️
Girl, stay with him then, this way he won’t have to hire a 🤡 for his future parties 😩🤦🏾♂️
OP, this sleaze ball isn’t worth your time or energy. I say to break up with him. You will find someone who won’t lie to you and won’t share things you tell them in confidence.