Seemed to be easy as pie to get a man to commit in my 20s . Seems like so many men wanted relationships. They were eager to put a label on it. Now it seems like once I hit my 30s it’s like every man wants situationships. Many of my friends have also struggled with men keeping them around and not wanting a relationship but still enjoying their conversation and company
It all seems so backwards
Comments
No.
Statistically men want relationships a LOT more, especially as they get older.
There is a growing “issue” with there being so many single men who want relationships, whereas women to be more content being single.
I did a bunch of research on this a few months ago, but unfortunately, I didn’t save my sources— it’s way back in my Reddit history somewhere.
Men are more likely to externalize problems, and not look inward to make positive changes to themselves— yet they still want a girlfriend handed to them by virtue of being “man.” Whereas women are more likely to grow and realize that it’s not worth being in a toxic relationship, singledom
With great friends is better.
Marriage also benefits men much more than it benefits women overall, and statistically they are a lot more eager to get married as they get older.
These are not my opinions, btw, dessert statements based on research, not anecdotal at all.
Granted, there’s always gonna be men who aren’t interested in commitment, so obviously leave them be if commitment is what you want.
Well I’m a guy so take with a grain of salt but I can say in my friend group and men in general and women I’ve seen situationships become more the norm then say 10-15 years ago. Back then everyone wanted to be official.
Now it’s completely normal to be unofficial for months some times years. Dating in America if you pay attention to this Reddit and social media feels like everyone just has gender wars and talk about how terrible the opposite gender is
I lost the love of my life due to learning a lot of toxic behaviors from my male peers. I’m lucky she still allows me to have as much contact with the kids as I want and I support her as best I can to allow her the life she wants to live, whether I’m with her or not.
But I don’t think me going through all that and realizing I was the problem is the norm.
Men definitely externalize their problems from a lot the men I’ve known.
I would love to be in a relationship again, but at this point I feel like I haven’t grown enough to be in another one.
I still have a lot of growing and learning to do.
And by the time I’m done I’ll probably be too old to enjoy a relationship.
I don’t know. I am also really uncomfortable with the idea of messing up a relationship while I continue to learn to grow.
This puke of consciousness of a comment might be indicative it’s a good thing I’m single.
I guess point being I’m sure as men get older they want a relationship, they just probably suck at them. Theres a ton of toxicity in male spaces right now.
> Seemed to be easy as pie to get a man to commit in my 20s
This was not even remotely my experience in my 20s. There are serious daters and commitmentphobes at every age, but I met a lot more relationship-minded men after 30.
37F, I have had the opposite experience. I am the one wanting situationships and to keep things fairly high level casual.
Every guy I meet is a love bomber desperate to bring a woman to the family dinner and buy a house together 10 minutes in.
Seems like with cis men, it really depends on how much I weigh, not our ages.
In my experience men want it a lot more than women especially at this age.
People have been burned and they will say things out of cynicism. The more someone says “I don’t care” the more they actually care but don’t want to be vulnerable and say it.
But i think we all really want connection and it’s too scary to admit it. Feelings don’t care about our facts. They happen and then we pray it works out.
I feel like (some) men want the benefits of relationships without any effort, compromise or growth on their part
A lot of men want to be loved like a mother loves her baby- unconditionally, asking nothing in return, endlessly nurtured and coddled
I’ve met so many men outraged at a woman wanting a man’s advice or to put up a shelf or buy her something – all traditional signs of masculinity
I think again it’s because modern men want to be loved like babies not like men and the idea of catering to a women or adding to her life is antithetical to them because that destroys the illusion that they are loved unconditionally
Can I ask what kind of culture including politically you’re coming from? Because I’d have to agree.
However, in my 20s, I usually just fell into relationships with guys that didn’t really go after women casually. They didn’t see themselves as having choices. One guy I chased to be in a relationship with.
Now, I want getting into a relationship to be a mutual decision based on what two people honestly desire and yeah, it seems very hard to find.
No my experience has been different. I am 31. It feels like they are trying settle down, have children, and get married even more. It made me realize relationships and marriage benefit men more. They get upset or angry when I say I prefer being single.
Honestly, I’ve seen it more being women who don’t want relationships as we get older.
I mean, statistically speaking, men are happier when married and women are happier single
I think this has more to do with the prevalence of online dating and the normalization of fuck boi culture.
Yes, this is the standard now.
My theory is that most of the men who wanted to commit in their 20’s have committed by their 30’s. A good deal of the ones in the dating pool in their 30’s are the ones who never wanted to commit. The guys who are back in the dating pool because their committed relationship ended and actually want a new relationship will get a new girlfriend quickly.
I feel it’s the opposite men want relationships as they get older because they want someone to take care of them and a younger woman is usually not willing to do that unless of course you have money to pay for it. My issue is, I don’t want a man who’s been used up running in the streets the best years of his life and then coming to me when he’s ready to settle down and has absolutely nothing to offer me.
i think with modern dating the whole “always wanting to have options” idea makes men fear commitment. But also, wanting a connection.
I spent a week sending voice texts to a guy talking about hobbies, my personal life, etc. etc. for him to then tell me he wants non-monogamy and something casual—both of which he did not specify.
But also, why would you be so vulnerable if you only want something casual? They want to eat their cake and eat it too.
I DID NOT have the “most men in their 20s wanting relationships” experience however I would argue that most people who wanted relationships in their 20s are likely married by their 30s or at least In LT.
I suspect the vast majority of the men who are decent partners and aren’t terrified of commitment are already in a relationship, leaving mainly the commitment phobes and men who aren’t suited for relationships.
A very good friend of mine who struggled earlier in her life with relationships is happily engaged to a kind man she met in her 30s. Not that I have many friends bothering to date, but I don’t think any of us have found men who are actually serious on the dating apps.
I do have an ex who would probably make an excellent partner for someone else, who had been desperately wishing to meet a partner for some years. He’s never been a high earner to say the least, but I kept telling him he’d make a wonderful house husband for a career woman who wanted a man who wouldn’t be put off by her success. He insists none of the women he’s met over the years are seriously interested in him due to his lack of finances, though he’s also very shy which doesn’t help. He also lives in the wrong area to meet a career woman.
Honestly…im glad Im married cause modern men seem sooo difficult
The men I have met/dated as I have gotten older seem to think that if the first date went ok that means:
’we are now in a relationship and monogamous!’
Without even a word or discussion about it! Like they feel they found a woman! They’re golden now✨
‘Surely she’s super happy to have found me, a MAN, she’s all in now!’ …lol, nah.
Had to have this conversation with men more times than needed that: I am not in a committed relationship until we discuss this and I am busy and have friends and things going on.
They seem aghast, taken back when I clarify…then they get mean: verbally. Nothin’ like being slut shamed at 59. lol. (not seeing any other men but got slut shamed cause I gently and so dang carefully rejected him) It’s so wild. It was one or two dates bro, calm down.
It is sad how this happens at any age for women.
Think older men may want a relationship more when they get older because they want the care and labor that comes with that? (They drop hints about me cooking for them or how they just don’t know how to house clean like all the time on the first few dates.) Yeah, I’m out. So fast.
Remembering men I dated in my 20s not wanting to move forward on relationships because they were ’scared of commitment.’
Idk. It’s not much different now dating than then: men want to drive the relationship per their needs
Women get lambasted for having any kind of preference, needs, or opinion. That’s seems like too much for men young and old. Just my experience.
Yes. Young guys in their 20s just want to play. Guys in their late 30s are just getting divorced and hung up on their ex wives and just want to play. Older dudes in their 60s same story. All the good ones are gay, taken, or fictional.
Opposite for me and my 30+ room mates. The men around us become so obsessive after just a few weeks of casual dates. It seems anytime we all get together- one of us is dealing with a stage five clinger. And it’s scary how you will meet up with someone twice or so and they are already pushing for more time or exclusivity. They start pushing for you to meet their friends or family. Making comments about future adventures and such. Venting about work or disclosing personal struggles much too soon. Lots of trauma dumping.
The older they are, the more desperate they become. I almost miss being married and completely ignored as I was for the most part of my 20’s.
Im 43, would imagine this has a lot to do with region/culture, too.
but for me no; if anything, they seem to be more keen to seal a deal than they were back when I was trying to find The Father Of My Children.
back then it was a lot of “I like you a lot but I’m not ready to give up my freedom [unless someone really knocks my socks off] so let’s just have fun and keep it light”
but I will also say that they’re starting to look for a “nurse or a purse,” at least as part of the package
Like even though that’s (hopefully!) not the main reason they’re dating, it still comes up at some point as they ponder their own mortality and their futures, in a way that 25-35 year old dudes just haven’t even begun reckoning with yet
but being a caregiver is a lot of hard work and personal sacrifice, and it is not cheap labor to buy on the market!
So now I’m the one going
hmmm “I like you a lot, but I’m not ready to give up my freedom [until someone really knocks my socks off]”
life is funny sometimes
30s were significantly better for me and I got married. In my 20s men were not serious and still playing the field.
for me it’s honestly been the opposite, everyone wants to tie me down and the 20s were messier
I’m not a guy but in my 30s and tend to keep men at arm’s length. I’ve been in an almost decade long relationship and felt like I gave it my all that time around. I don’t see myself starting over and building a life with someone from scratch. I’m just not willing to go there.
I think many guys are equally burnt by previous experiences and with jobs, hobbies, friends, family and all other responsibilities we all got going on, it’s easier to keep intimate relationships somewhat superficial.
Younger men seem to want relationships more than older men.
No, quite the opposite. Almost every single man over 30 I know is desperately trying to find someone and have kids.
It was not easy for me in my 20s as I was very awkward and sheltered and a people pleaser. I was also in college and bar scene where everyone just wanted to party and hook up.
Now that I’m in my 30s it’s still not easy. Although I feel smarter and more aware of red flags to look out for. It seems many men in their 30s even their 40s still want casual or go for young 20 somethings hoping to have kids still. Some dudes who just wanted to hook up with me in my 20s now are single fathers and trying to date me bc I have a stable career and life and think I’d make a good step mom, so try to fall back on me. Too bad for them I’m not interested.
Honestly, I think that it’s “easier to commit” in our 20s because we were more idealistic then. I’m 36F, and widowed. I had a terrible break up last autumn and that was the worst relationship that I had in my life. That alone made me not really hurry into a committed relationship until the person and I are sure that we are really compatible because living with someone who’s not, felt like a prison term. That might take more than a few dates to decide but at least the first step can be, I’m not seeing anyone else but you. So that’s at least exclusivity, but still a long way to go before anything else.
My stance is, I’d rather be happy single than miserable coupled. Men in their 30s have also been through heartbreaks and pain too and maybe will take their time before committing to someone. Commitment in 20s means differently compared to the 30s.
I get it
Men who want relationships tend to be in them more than men who don’t, and I guess that becomes more obvious in their/your 30s
No they only do not want a relationship with me in my experience. I am good enough for a nice time but not for commitment. It has not been a good ride if I say so myself. I am trying to better myself and tell myself that I am worthy of love, too, and that they are not meant for me. Easier said than done.
From what I hear the men on the apps and online often just want one thing and men in general are getting more sexist from the Andrew Tate movement. Perhaps that has something to do with it?
I’ve always thought this about men, even in my 20s. They never seemed interested in something serious, even when I was young and cute as heck. I came to the conclusion long ago that I think most men just don’t like women and really don’t want to be committed to them.
I think the men who are seeking relationships find them. So there’s just less as time passes.
34yo dude, civil engineer – providing thoughts in no particular order/priority as “source material” 😂:
– I seriously doubt my ability to be an effective father or husband in America. Even if Trump is voted out in 2028 (assuming we can all still vote), I could fundamentally improve my family’s baseline quality of life if I simply left, but that’s a big thought to act on.
– I don’t think I’d be a bad boyfriend, but I don’t necessarily think I’d be a good one either – I’d be absent, literally. I’m leaning hard into career so I can zoom through the early six-figures portion in my 30’s, and if you could see my Outlook calendar (during work and after) you’d also wonder how date night could be scheduled with everything going on.
– I have a balanced group of longtime friends (girls + guys), so I don’t feel a lack of feminine energy/input (for lack of a better word) in my life. I don’t lack love or counsel in my life. Though it’d be nice to eat someone out on a regular basis.
– At a practical level, I notice a lot of my lady peers feel pressure to marry/have kids very much right now – my kneejerk reaction to decisions made under pressure is that they could be the same things that lead to divorces later in life.
– The idea of being… 38 or 39, and being in relationship/marrying a woman who has her identity/money figured out, and is not trying to rush into anything is far more appealing than a lot of the ladies I’m seeing pursue it now (not that I blame them, it’s society weighing on us all).
As a last thought for folks in here – most of the most eligible/quality dudes I know are at professional orgs, running their boards, volunteering, etc. They usually are guys who don’t see themselves as catches, even though they present very well and they have the fundamentals very well in place.
Opposite situation in my experience dating around NYC. They don’t want to “settle down” until 40s bc they have the pick of the litter. Then when they suddenly need mommy 2.0 they will settle with whomever. Totally generalizing but most of the dating scene was that I had to prove myself worthy and even then they wanted me to jump through hoops. This was 20s+30s.
Most people who want to commit do so in their 20s, and are only rarely on the market again after that. Same thing with most of my friends who are women – the ones still single in their 30s are generally just a lot less interested in settling down, which is why they are still single. Isn’t really a gender thing IMO, just that people who want to settle down tend to match up in their twenties.
They want them barely legal and in their 20s because they are mostly looking to take advantage of women who have little to 0 experience.
This is their math:
Easier to impress+no real sexual experience+can invest very little to her sexual experience because of this+cheaper to spend money+dates= easier path to sex and validation.
That’s why.
No shade, this is real tea.