I (F) live in the U.S. and I’m about to graduate today from college. Ive been working hard for 4 years and this is very important to me. I told my mom (who lives out of the country) my graduation date a year ago so she could plan ahead. A few months ago, we found out my brother (who also lives in the States) is graduating a week before me. She said she’d go to his graduation, then travel down to mine, and fly back home the day after.
Fast forward to a month ago — she asked me to pay for plane tickets for her, my sister, and my stepdad, saying her card wasn’t working. (That’s always the excuse) I told her I couldn’t help because I was already tight on money with graduation expenses and bills. She said she’d pay me back within the week, but she has a pattern of borrowing money and never paying it back, so I was hesitant anyway. I also heard she asked someone else for money for plane tickets. Not surprising
Now she’s saying she can’t come to my graduation because our elderly dog (who lives with her) is sick and she needs to go back for him. For context, the dog had already been sick before my brother’s graduation, and she still traveled to see him. Someone is caring for the dog back home, so he would’ve been fine for the extra few days it would’ve taken to attend mine too.
I get it — the dog is family. But if she could leave him to go to my brother’s, why not mine? She was already in the states. I gave her a year’s notice, and it just feels like she didn’t make any real effort. It hurts to feel like I’m not a priority
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I mean, it’s got to sting a bit, you know, when someone you love so much can’t make it for something you’ve worked so hard for… but hey, your graduation is still your moment, and that’s something to be really proud of, no matter what. It’s okay to feel hurt, but also remember, you’re still the star of the show today, and that’s got to count for something.
I’m sorry you don’t feel like a priority. I would explain all of this to your mom. Depending on her reaction, you will be faced with the decision on whether or not you want to continue to invest in this relationship. There are things you learn to accept as a child that you can absolutely refuse as an adult. Your well being is important and you shouldn’t feel like this. Don’t hold it in. Get it out and then move forward. In some cultures the boys always mean more for some reason, if yours is one of these then the situation may never change but you can remove yourself from it. Hugs from a stranger.
What can I say. But just remember how you feel today. When she is older and you get to pick the nursing home. Just pick a suitable one. 😉
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I’m sorry your mom sucks. She showed you who she is. Unfortunately you’ll have to accept that.
I’d go extremely LC with her. She showed you that you aren’t a priority. That’s fine. Focus on yourself and your life. She doesn’t need to know anything about you anymore. Let her find out important details of your life (job, relationship, new house) from someone else.
When it comes time for her to need money, care, or anything else, tell her to call your brother. Do NOT lend her any more money!!! Make sure she doesn’t have access to any of your accounts.
And CONGRATULATIONS on graduating from college. That’s awesome!!
Cut her off. Any parent who asks their child for money is a gigantic piece of shit. She doesn’t care about your achievements.
Build your own family out of friends who show up for you in every way.
First of all, CONGRATS, OP! Second, I know how u feel. My parents live in the same country I do but due to religious reasons, they couldn’t come to my graduation either. It was the ONLY graduation I actually wanted to walk in. I ended up removing myself from the walk cuz I had no one coming to see me.
I know u feel sad and hurt, and it’s completely valid. But don’t let it ruin a very imp day and moment in ur life. Go celebrate with friends. Treat urself.
My dad skipped my college graduation to go to my brother’s football game (who lived with 100% while growing up even coached him, was there for all of his moments) they lost the game felt like karma. Anyway now he is making a big deal about my brother graduating. I will not be going. I’ve already had a terrible year that he didn’t care about and I don’t want to add to it.
Parents suck sometimes. I just don’t talk him anymore. It’s better that way.
If she legitimately didn’t have the money to go from his graduation and fly three people down to yours then I understand it probably hurts but she did tell you she didn’t have a way to get the tickets. And if she was asking you and someone else for the money it sounds to me like she was making an effort.
Op, you’re making a incredible thing you did become about your mother. She’s the one losing the chance of being with you in one of the most important moments of your life. She’s the one who should be feeling sad, not you.
People like your mother feel powerful by behaving this way. She knows that you will always beg for her love and attention, and that feeling is addictive for her. But at some point you have to stop treating yourself so badly for someone who doesn’t care.
For what it is worth, you have a whole reddit group (myself included) who are sooo proud of you & wish you nothing but the best!
I’m cheering you on from Seattle, wooohoooo 🥳
I am proud of you for bringing to completion what you started. May you begin a hundred more things, finishing each more beautifully than the last, bringing pride and joy to even more people each time.
My nieces graduate college next week. Their ceremonies are Thursday and Friday about 15 hours apart in Texas and Missouri. You can’t drive that far in that close of a window. My father-in-law literally rented a plane that will meet them and take them to Missouri because it’s that important for him to be there for his grandkids. Not saying you have to spend that kind of money, but if it was important to them, they would make it work to be there for you too!
This is why I went NC on my mom. She took so much from me to give to my brothers. She’s also so stingy towards me. She’s so afraid that if she gives anything to me, she’d be giving away the family wealth. because to her, I’m not family. Girls aren’t family. They’re cattle to be raised and sold.
Anyway, do yourself a favor and stop giving to her. Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated repeatedly by someone who simply does not care.
She’s punishing you for not giving her money by not going to your graduation. Seems like a situation for low to no contact. She sucks. Congratulations on your graduation.
To me this feels like manipulation. You’re barely just graduating from college and your mother already has a “pattern of borrowing money and not paying it back”?? And she expects you to pay for 3, round trip, international flights??? That’s crazy. To me I see this as “Oh yeah? You won’t pay for our flights? Then I won’t come to your special day.”. She can absolutely come. She can leave the dog, sister and step father at home and spend that time celebrating both you and your brother’s accomplishments. Hell, you, him, and your mother could probably all chip in to get her a ticket. But for YOU to cover all of it for 3 people is absolutely crazy. Unless you’re independently wealthy for some reason, which I doubt.
I don’t have any else to add to what other’s have said except that I wish you congratulations on your graduations.
So… Congratulations!!!
I’m sorry but as a mother I can’t fathom never being there for your kid? Like wtf is wrong with people? I gave birth to these kids and I will be supporting them fully till the day I die. I didn’t suffer so I can treat these kids bad. No I want to see them fly and then cry about it. I would never understand parents who do this and it hurts to see the hurt the kids feel. I never liked kids but after being a mother I wish I can mother all of the hurt kids
This relationship with your mom seems to aways be a bit lopsided. I would see it for what it is and plan accordingly.
Your whole adult life begins today. Live it knowing that you don’t have your mom’s support. Take her calls but stop doing things for her (def stop sending her money.) Visit if you must but be there to see other family. If she plans a visit with you, you do not pay for it and only foot the bill for one meal out. Be firm on the departure day.
Don’t buy into the fantasy that she will lay down her life for you.
Congratulations on your graduation! I hope you realize that family isn’t always blood relatives who disappoint you. Make the family that you deserve with the people around you who love you and show up for you.
gosh, I hate parents like that..
Bit let me tell you: I am very proud of you and anyone else that is graduating. Enjoy your the ceremonie and your day. You deserve this!
This Internet mom is so proud of you and your hard work! Sending you big hugs!! You are valid to feel hurt and unseen I’m sorry. Congratulations though, nothing will take away your accomplishments
I went through something similar.
My brother graduated in another state and I secretly had to foot the bill to hide from my dad. My mom promised me she would pay me back right away and it took us 4 years to pay off that debt. Lesson learned.
For my master’s grad party, my parents said they had no money. My dad walked out of my graduation and went home early before I walked because he wasn’t feeling good. I paid for my own party, decorations, food, booze, everything.
They got mad at me for not paying attention to other family members at my party. I was already all over the place trying to mind my own guests.
A week later my dad threw a fit because the attention hasn’t been on him for his birthday so they bought him a Porsche.
I’ve learned to focus my energies on people that actually care and show up.
It just sucks when your family aren’t the ones to be there for you. Live your life accordingly.
you aren’t overreacting
you’re reacting to a pattern—being the backup plan in your own story
she showed you where her effort goes
she showed you who she makes moves for
and you’re allowed to feel every inch of that disappointment
you did everything right
you gave notice
you tried to help
you gave grace, even with her history of dodging responsibility
and still—she made your graduation optional
truth is: she chose your brother’s milestone and skipped yours
and no excuse about sick dogs or broken credit cards can erase what that tells you
but here’s the pivot:
you’re graduating without the applause you deserved
and still—you did it
this is your moment
her absence doesn’t diminish that
it just clarifies something:
you’re gonna have to celebrate yourself sometimes
and damn—you’re worth it
Your Mom is not a good person. Look up “narcissistic abuse” & “golden child & scapegoat”. Her behavior is all about her own problems & nothing to do with you.
You’re a good student & good kid. Congratulations!
Oof, I am so sorry. You did the right thing not giving her money for the flight, especially since she had a year to save for it and isn’t a broke college student. I wonder if you not paying is the true reason she isn’t coming?
Congrats on finishing college! That takes some hard work.
NTA
Major congratulations. 🎉That’s a huge accomplishment, especially doing it in another country and likely without much support. You should be incredibly proud of yourself! 👏🏻
Sometimes mothers fall into a conscious or unconscious sense of competition or resentment with their daughters, especially when their daughters reach milestones they never did. This happens less with sons.
Your graduation may also mark a shift in power. If your mother doesn’t have a degree, or if yours carries more weight, she might feel threatened. For some parents, acting passive-aggressive can be a way to reassert control when they feel outpaced.
It’s also possible that age-related changes are playing a role. As parents get older, cognitive shifts or emotional instability can make their behavior more reactive. It might explain why her actions feel confusing or hurtful.
I’ve been similarly let down by my family many times, and it’s always very hurtful. As I’ve aged, I realized it’s due to their own problems and insecurities. The silver lining has been that because I never felt supported, I worked extremely hard to build a life for myself – which led me to a life much more comfortable, happier, healthier, & wealthier than the rest of my family.
Regardless of the cause, you didn’t deserve that. You earned this moment and should have been celebrated. Congrats again and best of luck.