TLDR: My close friend group (potential bridesmaids) went on a trip without me. Sensing I’d be upset, the planner of the trip called after to “check in” to explain why. Now I’m questioning the friendship and their place in my wedding.
I’m struggling with how to move forward after this. I have a group of five close friends who I’ve always considered my core people—so close that they’d likely be my bridesmaids for my 2026 wedding (I haven’t officially asked, but it’s been understood).
Recently, one of them—let’s call her Anna—planned a weekend trip because her parents let her invite friends to the place they were renting. She invited everyone from our group except me. One girl even flew in from out of state. I’ve been talking for months about wanting to do a weekend trip with all of them, and I had no idea this was happening. I only found out when they started posting on our shared private story that I’m still in. I was literally the only one not there.
When I distanced myself afterward (short and delayed responses after I understood where I stand in this friendship), Anna called to “check in”—something she’s never done before. When I brought up the trip, she claimed it wasn’t intentional exclusion, just that it came together that way, and gave excuses about me being “always busy” and the trip being overwhelming with them number of people coming.
I told her honestly that it felt like they just didn’t want me there—that’s how it comes across when everyone in your friend group goes and doesn’t even tell you. She kept trying to defend it and said they’d “never intentionally hurt” me. When I asked her to imagine being in my shoes, her response was literally, “I hope you can also understand my position.” I ended the call politely and thanked her for reaching out, but it just felt like excuses.
Later, she followed up with a text that said something like, “Thanks for chatting, I value your friendship and I’m glad we could talk through it.” I didn’t respond directly—just gave it a thumbs up. To me, it felt more like damage control than accountability. Especially since she knows exclusion is a sensitive subject for me from a past incident. It feels like she reached out just enough to say she tried, in case anyone asked—but I’m still sitting with the fact that none of them thought to speak up for me.
What really stings is not just Anna organizing it—it’s that none of the others pushed for me to be there either. These are supposed to be my bridesmaids.
I’m trying to figure out how to move forward. Do I talk to the rest of them? Let it go? Reevaluate this entire friendship? Right now, I’m leaning towards cutting off. I’m not sure how I’d respond if they reached out asking to see me again. I’d love any advice or perspective.
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You could reach out to the other girls and get their perspective, but you might not like what you hear because it doesn’t seem like any of them gave any objection to you not being included and didn’t put up a fight to include you. If that’s true about them, then these people are not your friends and yeah, I would dump all of them. You don’t have to communicate with any of them again, you don’t have to give a reason you can just quietly move on.
It is obvious that you have stronger feelings of friendship towards them than they have for you. The fact that all of them kept it a secret and that text from the organizer confirms it. Maybe it is time for new friends.
Walk away for a while, if they are truly your friends they will pull you back in… if they aren’t, they’ll let you distance yourself and you’ll go separate ways.
I’m a big believer in what I call the “now I know” philosophy when it comes to relationships. Now you know where you stand with them. You don’t have to cut them off, but when you interact with them, interact with their past actions in mind and what that means. I don’t think there’s any legitimate reason for doing what they did by excluding only you. I’m not sure what the reason could be, but none include them valuing you as a friend and appreciating your company. You could have them as bridesmaids, but know the level of friendship you’re engaging.
Oh that sucks big time.
Anna seems snakey to me.. If you can’t invite all, don’t do it.
This seems so weird.
And your other friends being radio silent about it.
Up to you if you want to find out the truth.. In all honesty, I’d just rather find new friends at this point.
No way in the world I would have these girls in my wedding party. They wouldn’t even get an invite. They have showed you what they think of your friendship. Believe them. Actions speak a whole lot more than words ever do.
They are mean. I would cut them all off.
I can understand how that hurt 🙁
What they did was shitty and intentional. I wouldn’t try to convince anyone that what they did was wrong or try to plead the case for being really hurt. Because they don’t care.
It hurts and it sucks but these aren’t girls I’d want next to me on my most important day.
I know adult friendships have ups and downs, and periods of not being as close/being closer. But you don’t just go on a trip with everyone but one. That’s rude! And to not even tell you, and the. To invalidate you….. unfortunately, that’s not what friends do.
I’m sorry, and I hope you find peace soon.
(Edit to add…)
The girl who called you, is it possible she has a problem with you? Maybe she told the other girls something untrue and that’s why not 1 of them said anything about the trip? Has anything felt off lately?
Just thinking out loud. Might be worth reaching out to the other girls.
Perhaps Anna didn’t tell any of the other women that you were not included in the invite for the weekend getaway? I would want to know if all the others knew you were excluded.
Then I would distance myself from the group to see if anyone reaches out to you. This is just a really hurtful situation and Anna is a HUGE AH.
I’m sorry you had this experience. So unnecessary.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
None of these girls told you about the trip before it happened. And then one girl reached out in an insincere way. These are deliberate and mean actions that real friends would not do.
I personally would not reach out to any of them myself, if I were you. They had ample time to tell you beforehand and anything they’ll tell you now is likely to be curated to keep themselves in the best light possible.
I’m sorry. That really sucks.
Make the rest bridesmaids except her. 😉
Honestly that’s so messed up. I think you can politely but firmly be clear that you don’t feel that what they did was okay. She doesn’t get to tell people ‘she tried’ you need to make it clear that it wasn’t okay. Right now you have nothing to lose.
They aren’t your friends. If they were you would have been included. I’m so sorry. They don’t deserve you and you will find the people who do deserve you
Since you’ve not officially asked them to be your bridesmaids, don’t do it.
If someone from the group questions you, you can tell them it wasn’t “intentional “ and you know how “busy” they can be and that you’d hope that they can “understand” the “position you were in”.
This is who they are, believe them. You’re better off without them. It’s better you don’t invite them to the wedding, i cant imagine the politics going on behind your back. You want a drama free wedding, don’t you?
They’re not your friends
I wish I was the kind of petty that would do something epic. But I would probably just walk away and find new friends. I might leave a social media post that is basically call them out but I would just move on. They showed who they were. Believe them.
The fact that she called you proves she knows she did you wrong.
I’d ditch them all tbh. Cuz no way I’d stand by + let someone I care about be excluded like that. + then post cute pics after like all is well.
You don’t have to drop them, but I’d distance + honestly? No wedding invite. What they did was childish + cruel, and they know that. Also—tell them. Don’t thumbs up or sugar coat it
“Despite how you tried to spin it, I know you purposefully excluded me from that trip. You had the right to do that, and I have the right to be upset + act accordingly following that exclusion. I know where we all stand + we can leave it at that”
You need to put a comment in the shared chat, how it looked like a great weekend and how you wished you were invited then leave the chat – are they really your friends given only one reached out afterwards?
See if they even try to reach out to you – I do wonder if they are trying to shut you out so they do not have to be your bridesmaids?
Time to move on, focus on you!
Don’t waste your precious time on people who exclude you. There was no reason to do that, other then them being immature and rude. Follow your gut instinct about nobody sticking up for you, real friends stand up for each other. If you wouldn’t treat them this way, than don’t allow it to be done to you!
So, I wonder if you have other friends who might make better or more supportive bridesmaids?
I would possibly consider inviting them as guests, MAYBE if they somehow demonstrate a whole lot more friendship.
I might also do a little reconnaissance and see what the others have to say. I would literally ask them why you were excluded and if they have a problem with you because you were seriously hurt that you were left out. Or why you were the expendable one and see what they say. It could be the friend who reached out is who excluded you. Maybe or maybe they all are just closer to each other than to you. I’d only do this though if it gives you closure. Because what they did is fully against girl code and how could they exclude just one person, post it all over the group chat with that one person in it and act like it’s no big deal. Then act like you have no right to be hurt, that’s some manipulative gas lighting mean girl shit.
Personally, I would take this as them telling you what your friendship is worth and go spend your energy elsewhere.
Hold on…. Potential bridesmaids? So you’re not even engaged? Let’s start there
I’d be done with them all except in a very superficial way. Even if Anna told them some nonsense, none of them reached out to verify or see if there was a workaround for you to be able to go. They probably discussed it after and selected one to reach out to do damage control. They all suck. I truly wish better friends for you
Something similar happened to my wife. She has realised her “friends” are in fact not her friends but rather toxic acquaintances to be kept at arms length.
You need to re-evaluate your friend group. You can still invite them to your wedding but maybe not as bridesmaids.
Distance yourself. There is no sense in maintaining these relationships when they don’t think of you the same way. If they try to make amends that’s a different story, but for now just do your own thing. Meet new people.
Reach out in a group text.
“Anna organized a trip with all of you and never invited me. That hurt my feelings. Anna recently called me and gave me some vague excuses about it being too stressful for her to invite me, which honestly only served to confuse me and did nothing to make me feel better.
The fact that all of you went and didn’t care about my absence also hurt. I thought we were all good friends, but now I am wondering if you all don’t feel the same way about me as I do about you.
If you would prefer that I walk away from this group, please let me know.”
Yes, it’s direct and slightly hostile, but if Anna is playing games, calling her out in front of everyone else is necessary. She may have told them that she DID invite you but you couldn’t make it!
On the other hand, all the others went on the trip, and NOT ONE reached out to say they were disappointed that you couldn’t make it. So, did they just not care?
Get it ALL out in the open and force them to respond or look like a bunch of jerks.
Their reactions will let you decide if you dip entirely, or keep one or two of “the good ones”.
Not real friends. I don’t know how or when you met these people but thats the behavior of unwitting acquaintances, not anything like friends.
She has forgotten about you and so were them. They are too proud to admit it.
It happened to me too. I had arranged a get together and forgot to invite a friend. I didn’t realize it until when we all showed up.
It was just too late to invite my friend at that point. We seriously didn’t know how my friend was missed but it happened.
Yeah, it happened.
Anna understands why you’re upset, she doesn’t care
As others have said, it’s time for you to stake a step or three back from this friend group and see how things goes.
Does anyone reach out to you privately? Does anyone talk to you directly in the group chat?
I also recommend finding some new friends…
With friends like these, who needs enemies?
There’s a song lyric “don’t waste your precious time explaining that you are worthwhile”
You deserve better. Tell them all what happened, and that it hurt your feelings and left you confused. And that Anna gave you excuses and not answers. Don’t leave them any room for stupid responses. Just say “you have my number if you can explain this situation to me”
Good luck – this sucks. I had to walk away from a friend group once. I didn’t know I was a big joke to them, but I found some notes passed back and forth (this was a long time ago) and realized how they talked about me behind my back (and that others didn’t stand up for me.) Heart breaking- I was shocked. Now: I don’t waste my time worrying about them and have more time for other friends.
I think you have all the information that you need. There is a friend group and you circle it; you are not in it.
You don’t say how many friends there are but each and every one of them knew you weren’t at the event and said nothing. They knew you weren’t there when it was discussed about what to bring and what to wear. They knew you weren’t there when discussions were had about travel and arrival times. They knew you weren’t there when they were planning events during the time there. It was not a surprise to anyone but you.
These are not your friends OP. Pass on them as bridesmaid and be done.
Limit your bridesmaid choices to sisters or sisters in law. Forget about these so-called friends.
Those girls are not your friends. In my friend group even when someone cannot make it we all still chat about it in a high level. That allows the person who declined to change their mind. It’s crappy that they acted like this, but it’s better that you found out before the wedding or you would have had to look at pictures with them. Distance yourself and move on. If any of them truly care, they will reach out. But don’t count on it.
They don’t like you. Like as a group they don’t like you otherwise other members of the group you have made it a point for you to be invited or let you know what was up etc etc. They’re not as close to you as you are to them
Op have you already asked them all to be bridesmaids?
Just inform them, you’re taking a different take on your wedding and need to scale down….in the event of not offending anyone, you’ve decided to remove them all and have (insert someone else).
Just tell them, they’re still guests but if they don’t want to come “you’ll understand”.
My soon to be daughter in law isn’t having bridesmaids and my son won’t be having groomsmen either, there is nothing wrong with that! Have a small wedding or a ginormous wedding or something in between but know that attendants don’t need to be part of that. These women have already hurt your feelings, do you really want them in charge of your ancillary bridal events?? The “hen do/bachlorette” party with those people? The bridal shower? Making sure you’re taken care of on the morning of your wedding? Anna will absolutely let you marry your beloved with parsley in your teeth! Rethink your event and surround yourself with the people you love and can trust. At minimum, Anna isn’t one of those people. On the bright side, I’ll bet a bunch of us would love to be there for you!
I’m the only one in more core group of friends who is married and has children. I HATE when I’ve been excluded because “I’m always too busy to hang out”. Like okay, yeah, maybe the majority of the time I am. However, it would have been nice to be included and invited and have it be my decision not to go, instead of them just making that choice for me.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. I’d contact the other people and get their side or prospective. Maybe they were told by Anna that you were invited, but declined bc of your upcoming wedding, or gave some sort of other excuse.
Part of me wonders if that’s the case since they were uploading pics to a shared private story, knowing you’d see them. I’d think that if they all truly knew and everyone was in agreement to not include you, that they’d be better at hiding it. Just my opinion.
I hope you figure out your answer & congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Sometimes people just aren’t good fits for each other. My guess is these women don’t dislike you, but they also don’t enjoy your company for long periods of time. They are too passive to tell you. Maybe the have weakly tried, but not hard enough for you to see it. Stay cordial with them but give them more space and find some new real friends.
Curious what the “past incident” was and who was involved that time. Also it’s very possible it’s just Anna that doesn’t care for you and the others didn’t say anything beforehand because it’s awkward and uncomfortable. Let’s be real, some people get along better with others and sometimes someone can just rub you the wrong way. You just need to find out if the problem child is Anna or all of them are two faced.
I would rather not cut off but treat them as basic friends and not close . Treat them as optional like they did to you and move on to make new friends . Would i make them bridesmaid ? No ! Would i invite them to wedding ? Probably yes
Wow! How cold. Did she ask ChatGPT for a businesslike response to your questions? Totally off and insincere.
I’m afraid the friendships you thought you had, at the very least wasn’t as close and tight as you thought it was. She didn’t want you there. They didn’t want you there. And by her responses she doesn’t give a damn that you’re hurt. You call it ‘damage control’ I read it as ‘ don’t really give a shit’.
I’d certainly question whether they deserved the title of friend let alone bridesmaid after this stunt. Because that’s not what friends do.
They made a new friend group that excluded you now and in the future.
To be honest, being direct and saying something like “It was an enlightening chat. I feel like we have grown apart and I think it’s best we part ways. Thanks for the friendship and memories, I’ll cherish them always.” Blunt and direct. Maybe copy and paste the text to all the girls.
You said it yourself you have
-Advocated for yourself
-Reacted appropriately
-Tried to nurture the friendships
Ditch them. No need to be surrounded by that kind of negativity on your big day and hard to photoshop. There are millions and millions of people out there, you can make more friends easy peasy.
I was once part of a college class that was made up of all women. One of them really didn’t like me, and I didn’t know why. We got to know each other pretty well because that class was a full year long. At one point the student who didn’t like me threw herself a birthday party. She didn’t do the inviting in a public way, so nobody knew I was the only one who hadn’t been invited until they arrived at the party and asked where I was. The birthday girl flatly stated that she didn’t want me there.
Later, two of my classmates confided to me about what happened, and said that if they had known that one person out of the group had been excluded, they wouldn’t have gone to the party. They said they were sorry they didn’t know in advance, and that they thought her decision had been in very poor taste. I appreciated their talking to me.
The logic she shared on the “check-in” call doesn’t make any sense.
It just came together this way to never even ask you? I have friends who are often busy, but I still send them a message just in case they can make it. Being overwhelmed by the number of people is also bullshit, especially when you are the only one left out.
This would hurt me deeply and frankly piss me off. If my friends did this, I’d have to confront them with the fact their logic doesn’t make any sense.
It sounds like she is a friendeenemy not a friend. Let’s get real people are not invited on purpose not by mistake.
The main girl is definitely not your friend. The other girls ma gave thought you couldn’t come.
I’d call them and ask why didn’t they wonder why you didn’t co.e. find out maybe Anna gave them a false st.
Definitely find better friends
Be thankful they showed you who they are now instead of after your wedding when you’d have spent hundreds on photos that you’d have had to spend the next 50 years looking at or not looking at.
FYI. “Anna” was the nominated “friend” to deal with your emotions and the subsequent fall out, they all knew exactly what they were doing.
The fact that only one reached it to you, well after the planning and the trip, tells you all you need to know.
You may not need to cut them out of your life but you should certainly reevaluate their place in it.
Hey OP. I’m really sorry this happened to you. It stings like no other. My former friend group did the exact same thing. We had a girls night planned for the Saturday and they went away with each other Wed-Fri. I felt so left out and the night we hung out I was the odd one out coz I wasn’t in on the last few days. It really hurts. They’re not my friends anymore because they showed me then that I wasn’t important to them like I thought. I think your friends are the same. They’re not your people. I’m really sorry, and it hurts. I hope you find your people.
It’s your wedding. Don’t clutter it up with people who don’t care about you.
Oh the betrayal of all humanity!
While it sucks – and sucks big time – to be betrayed by not one but different so-called close friends it’s important to recognize the fact that you’re not the only person who’s been betrayed or left out by a close friend. It’s a very common human experience for close friends to betray someone and exclude them when they should have been included in something.
It’s very important not to personalize or individualize the experience so that it becomes all about you, i.e. they left ME out, they betrayed ME, because that’s where all the suffering comes into it, the hurt, and when you’re hurting and suffering that’s when you’re likely to react in a way you might regret later.
I mean, what really matters here? Your so-called friendships, or your soon to be husband, marriage and relationship?
There’s a far more powerful way to respond to this situation – silence. See you can respond to this situation with clarity and decisiveness rather than anger and resentment.
See the issue is most people are deeply embedded in their Egos and sense of self-importance, because that’s the way they’ve been conditioned and programmed, so when someone or something disrupts their inner peace and well being, they react because their image of self (Ego) has been damaged, and you end up with a conflict, a fight, or a falling out and a kind of seething, caustic resentment that is like acid and burns everything it touches.
But there is another way – silence. It’s not about arrogance, it’s not about ignoring others or running away. It’s about protecting your well being, mind, and energy. There’s a difference between being reactive and being responsive. Please bear in mind that silence is not weakness, for when chosen silence is a display of inner strength and mental fortitude. See when you choose silence you are asserting control over your emotions and actions. This is something many people don’t understand, reacting mindlessly to a situation or what someone has done isn’t strength, it’s weakness. In reacting you’re always going to be the puppet dancing to someone else’s string. Your so-called friends have done nothing to merit a reaction. You have no need to continue the chain of karma that comes from their mindlessness and thoughtlessness. It’s just not worth your energy or attention.
Furthermore:
See you could react, cut them off, and disrupt the wedding. But I assume you don’t want to do that because your wedding and marriage means a great deal to you. But see your silence and being responsive leaves you open to making a more appropriate response when the opportunity presents itself.
They aren’t your friends op, atleast not as close as you thought.
I would send a message in a group chat and tell them how you feel about being excluded and the excuses the one girl gave. End it with you will be distancing yourself from the friendship since it obviously meant more to you than them.
I get your feelings. And some people will keep inviting people, even when they continually say no, or they can’t.
Some people just give up, and feel like they reach out all the time.
Do you continually not commit to plans
Edit to add: you say they are your bridesmaids, but haven’t asked them, yet. Huh???
You think they know, but maybe they don’t.
If it wasn’t a big deal you would have known about the trip beforehand. You would have been involved in the chatter like I am when my friends do things together without me . It doesn’t feel hidden.
I think they didn’t want you there for whatever reason and now are only doing damage control so they can keep up a nice image.
Deciding for you because you are “so busy “is a mind trick.
Your best move is to keep quiet and find new, stronger friends, but not completely cutting them off. If you react in a bad way they’ll just talk badly amongst themselves on their next trip
I am very sorry. Many of us have been in your exact position and it sucks. Honestly, I would rather break tradition and stand alone on my wedding day than have them stand with me.
I had 3 sisters who I considered myself the “4th sister” to, since we had known each other since the eldest sister and I were in second grade. After 20+ years of friendship, the eldest sister decided to cut me off because I couldn’t attend her destination wedding in Europe due to financial reasons. The other 2 sisters followed and supported their older sister and did not reach out even once to see how I was doing after the eldest sister berated me and kicked me out of their group chat and other things. I met the 3rd sister at a wedding 3 years later and she tried to make excuses about how she didn’t stand for it and was just a bystander… she “didn’t want to get involved in all the drama”. Yet not one of them reached out in 3 years to see how I was doing? It’s been 5 years now and the 2nd sister asked me to attend her wedding. I politely declined. What was the point in inviting me when she hadn’t bothered to talk to me in 5 years? People are so bizarre.
And as some people on here have said, “now you know”, and looking back, they weren’t the greatest friends who had my best interest at heart as I had for them anyway. I say the trash took itself out and my life now is a lot more peaceful without them. I say make new friends and focus your energy on the quality friends you already have. It’s very tough to lose friends whom you thought were close, and all at once; the sense of betrayal is real. But I think it gives you room to give your sincerity to those who actually deserve it. Hugs
Do you have any inkling of why they may have excluded you? Not saying it’s the case but it’s worth reflecting on if they’re pure assholes or if you’re doing something in your relationships that alienates people. If you didn’t pick up on any signals until now, you might need to work on how attuned you are to others.
Please talk to the other girls in the trip. Maybe Anna has spun them a story about you not having time to join.
If that is the case, then I would ask every girl but Anna to be your bridesmaids
I think you just have an imbalance in your friendships… you placed their importance in your life higher than they place you in theirs. It’s not just that you weren’t invited, it’s that no one in the group mentioned it to you prior. You can cut them out or you can continue with them, just at a more balanced level. Either way, just make sure you are valuing yourself in this equation.
I would be cutting them off too. Remember for friends, it’s quality over quantity. If quality means none, it means none. You’ll meet new people on your path. I am done chasing anyone, I am done being the only one reaching out. Done, done, done. Match their energy.
I’m 60. It’s a hard lesson but one you’re learning. Friends come and go.
Go get married on a beach with two strangers as witness
Not meaning to be offensive, but if they all preferred the trip without you and haven’t Contacted you to see if your okay now that they know you know, you could very well be the problem.
There’s always that one friend who brings things down in some way, that one person that an outting is nicer when they aren’t there.
It’s hard to acknowledge, but you could be that person for Them
This is so hurtful for sure, I would definitely hurt if I had an Anna in my close friends group. In my opinion, this might be an Anna problem, she might have told everyone you couldn’t make it, else why would they post stories knowing you can see everything posted? Try to see if this might have been what happened, is Anna a jealous person? it is possible everyone got invited separately expecting to see everyone else there, then were told you couldn’t make it. Also if I were you, I would still invite them to my wedding, but as normal guests not bridesmaids, no need to cut them off completely, they were invited to a thing and went, Anna is your problem imo. If you don’t invite them, you automatically cut them off of your life, which is extreme for merely going to an event not knowing you were not invited. You also need to make sure you understand what happened before you take an action, you don’t know what Anna might have told them. Even if they were complicit, show them they’re not close anymore by inviting them as regular guests (unless you’re having a super intimate wedding). Don’t let Anna cost you your entire friends group, investigate first.
Someone in the group didn’t want you there. It had nothing to do with your schedule. Maybe it was a sleeping space thing? I dunno.
You don’t know if the others pushed to have you there. I wouldn’t make the assumption. You should talk to each one privately.
Just straight up, ask the group chat. Hey, I noticed yall took a weekend trip, and everyone went but me. What’s up. You’ll get everyone’s story all at once.
Re-evaluate the bridesmaid situation. 5 is a lot. Nix Anna and the out of state girl (logistics will prove to be a PIA anyway for both of you). Ask the remaining three. The wedding is all about you and your fiancé anyway.
This happened to me last summer. When people show you how they feel about you, believe them.
They honestly wouldn’t be in my wedding. That was intentional. If it just came together fast and they valued your friendship, they would either give you a heads up or at least make sure you weren’t in the private chat with everyone else on the trip. It was disrespectful
You don’t need a whole group of bridesmaids with you. When it comes down to it they should be people you can trust. You have time to foster relationships with other women (book clubs? Walking groups? coworker who always has your back?), but you can also just choose to stand up there with your future husband. I think bridesmaids in the past may have been women who’d help the bride get prepped, but these days we usually hire people to do our hair and makeup.
It’s funny that they didn’t give you a chance to tell them that you were too busy to go on this weekend away that they thought you might be too busy to attend.
I had a friend do this to me. I found out about her bachelorette party the day before when people were sharing them flying into nyc to attend and what when I reached out (and didn’t even say anything about the party negatively, just that I hoped she had fun and I was being sincere not at all snarky even thou I was hurt). She had to turn it around and say that she didn’t think I could make it because I’m disabled. Even though we’ve traveled together in the past, we had been talking for the last couple of years about meeting up in Miami again, like we used to when we were younger.
I RSVP’d no to that wedding. It hurts, but I think it was just that I considered her a closer friend than she considered me.
Maybe discuss the possibilities with your fiancé. Do you or he have sisters, nieces, or cousins who could fill in? Or maybe he can just have a best man and you have a maid of honor? I would also feel very excluded in your position and I’d reevaluate the friendships too.
This “close friend group” is NOT close and definitely NOT your friends.
Since you didn’t any of them to be bridesmaids yet, I would recommend you not only DON’T make any of them bridesmaids but that you don’t invite them to the wedding.
There’s a true “mean girl” vibe going on in this bunch of women and you certainly don’t want that at your wedding. Start picking out some bridesmaids, maybe close family, and consider yourself done with those MGs.
Well I’m glad you figured it out that they aren’t your friends but not being a bridesmaid probably isn’t a punishment for them. They would probably be relieved they don’t have to spends hundreds if not thousands of dollars to celebrate someone they don’t even like. Don’t even invite them to the wedding to eat and drink on your dime.
Good luck with the wedding. Hope you find good people that like you.
The fact that you had no clue it was happening until the pics were sent means more than one person was covering it up.
In my experience, if a group plans a trip (even if some people aren’t going) they are talking about it constantly before it happens. It sounds like the participants knew not to bring the plans up around you.
You can reach out to whoever you want but don’t take their reactions personally since they don’t seem like people you should keep as friends.
Its a hurtful thing that happened, and it totally makes sense to question in what way or if you keep these people in your life.
But it’s also an opportunity to ask if there may be a reason beyond the obvious they don’t care about you? You mention a past incident. And she cares enough to call and “check in” – which can be self serving of course out of guilt but it could be something else. Again, I’m not saying it isn’t shitty in general to be excluded – but I can think of some semi legitimate reasons that they either didn’t think you’d want to come or youd come with a different vibe/energy.
Its telling that you have a wedding next year and you haven’t already asked them to be your bridesmaids. Is this group more due to shared history or real friendship that may have evolved past it’s due date?
She said “I value YOUR friendship” not “I value OUR friendship”
OP, even if they didn’t intend to hurt your feelings, they did. And in my world view, intent does not negate impact. Even if you don’t mean to hurt someone, if you did, then you did.
A true friend would sincerely apologize, not sweep the incident under the rug. These women don’t value you as much as you value them. Make new friends.
I would step back and re-evaluate your friendship. I’m 51 years old and my group of close friends has been the same since the fifth grade. This is just to say that I know what it’s like to have a group of friends who grow up with us, go through the same stages of life, who we rely on, etc. We don’t live close to each other any more and yet we all manage to get together several times a year, alone and with our families. Even though we don’t talk every day, when we’re together it’s like we were all together the day before. In a group like this, we may not all be at every event, but we always know in advance that they exist. What they did was intentional. I’m sorry for you!
If I were you I’d talk to them telling how you feel and cease talking about your wedding with them. It’s a good idea to talk to them individually. Also, it’s a good time to evaluate your friendships with the women in the group. You should not feel obligated to have them as bridesmaids especially after what occurred.
I am starting to distance myself from a friend group. I recently was injured and recovering from surgery, and during the following two months, only one person called me, and no one visited. This is the 2nd time this has happened even though we all normally rally around each other when something tragic happens. I then posted an event in our group chat and no one responded. Today, another “friend” suggested getting together on the same date and everyone responded. I am focusing on other friendships now but it still hurts. I hope you can do the same.
I am always reevaluating people in my circle. But I may be a bit paranoid about betrayals. This smells like a massive snub. I would be tempted to choose anyone but them for bridesmaids.
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If I were in your position I’d distance myself and choose to not have them in the bridal party. You already talked to the leader of it. I don’t think anything else will come out of conversations with the other girls
I had a friend group like this once. They planned a trip to Europe without me to visit another friend and swore other mutual friends to secrecy. I wouldn’t have been able to go because I was in grad school and was poor and busy. They could have just told me and I would have declined but wished them a good time. Instead the secrecy severed my ties with all of them — except the one who was feeding me all the info without their knowledge so I wouldn’t get blindsided and be hurt. I don’t miss them.
These aren’t your people, they’ve shown you who they are. Better to have no bridesmaids than backstabbers. It hurts now, but you will be better off in the end.
Wish you all the best and nothing but joy and love as you plan your wedding.
I would just distance and not invite them to the wedding, full stop. They know what they did and there is no further explanation needed. Time to get a new circle of friends!
It’s amazing how many concurred with a reply that says oh I’ll still keep them as bridesmaids just know their importance in your life or some such thing. I mean I could never be this zen! This world is too big and full of people who can be my new friends, I would never let some grown ass women who cumulatively hurt me to be part of my big day or any day for that matter.
I’ll make new friends or remain friendless, fuck this weird dynamic.
I wouldn’t ask them to be your bridesmaids at this point. It’s obvious that the friendship isn’t reciprocated.
I had a ‘friend group’ like this through my 20s.
They left me out of some group stuff…only found out they went to Vegas when I saw the pictures posted.
It took me until my 30s to realize…it wasn’t my fault. I was a good friend to all of them, but I finally saw that the others either envied, or simply disliked me. It hurt.
Finally I stopped ‘watering dead plants’ and distanced myself.
I would talk to the rest of them for ‘closure’, on an individual basis. After a bit of time and distance. If I were in your shoes, I might even send a group text after speaking with them, that includes something like ‘I valued our friendship so much, and I was so excited to ask all of you to be my bridesmaids. However, given the recent events, this no longer feels appropriate’ (*obv rephrase this)
My $.02? You probably dodged a bullet and saved a lot of time. Maybe they would have started drama at your wedding, maybe they would be difficult or passive-aggressive. I know it hurts, but you’re in a better spot that this happened before you asked them to be in your wedding.
I’ve been in this exact situation. These girls do not like you and don’t know how to go about pushing you out. So they do it through exclusion. I am really sorry this is happening to you. But I think it’s better to know now than while planning a wedding. I went through something like this and grieved for a long time. Years later, I know those were not people meant to be with me for the long haul. And it was never my fault. One of the girls even asked to be my friend and I said no. And it felt amazing. Wishing you luck and stay strong.
I wouldn’t even invite these girls to your wedding. The venue has a headcount capacity after all. Start making new friends now if you can. Try bumble BFF (tell your fiance first before you download bumble) and meet new ppl. Reconnect with other friends from your past. Join a new sports league. Meet some gf/wives of your finances friends. These girls did you a favor. Anna just had a guilty conscience because they did you dirty. The others are cowards and didn’t have your back. No one even told you to give you a heads-up. Mourn what you thought you had and move onto other people.
OP I’m so sorry. I know that feeling and it is crushing.
These girls are not your friends. Friends wouldn’t do that. I had a group of friends and when I had a big event, they went out of their way to exclude me as well. I feel for you and at least you know now where you stand. You are within your right to exclude them, especially the one who arraigned the trip.
It was definitely damage control. So you found out that people you thought you were close to didn’t feel the same way about you. Now it’s time to examine your life and figure out who your real friends actually are.
Sorry this happened to you..🫂
However don’t initiate further contact and just slip away quietly..
You’re not valued. Why would you share one of the happiest days of your life with a group of people who deliberately excluded you from what was supposed to be a girls trip??
Their presence at your wedding may cause you unnecessary anxiety as they obviously don’t mean well.
Be glad they showed you the kind of people they are so you can be rid of them sooner ..
Don’t ask them to be your bridesmaids.
My opinion? They’re not your friends, acquaintances at best, to judge from their behaviour. Do yourself a favor, find others to serve as your bridesmaids. Only close friends and family by right should be members of the wedding party, at any rate. Come to think of it, not even invite them to your nuptials.
Time to re-evaluate these friendships. New friends and new bridesmaids. Just let it go with them, no need to talk to any of them, they know what they did
Nah, they aren’t your friends. My ex best friend couldn’t put me in her wedding but wanted me to be her maid of honor in all but name. Like I wasn’t allowed in official pictures, couldn’t go to the dress fitting, wasn’t included in any of the planning, but I was the one who was supposed to help her with all the emotional stuff and errands. All cuz it would make her husband feel bad cuz he just isn’t a likeable guy and has no friends and all this drama.
She dropped me right before the wedding. Yeah, it hurt, it’s whatever.
Meanwhile, my actual best friend has had my bachelorette party planned since we were in middle school. Don’t settle for less! They’re not your friends and not worth that honour. Plus I KNOW that hurt bad. And it sounds like it’s not the first time they did that.
This has happened to me and I left the friend group because of it (and other instances): I was part of a close knit of friends from college- there was 7 of us. After college, we all lived in 3 different cities. We still kept in touch regularly in a group chat and planned trips together fairly frequently. Then one day I saw on Instagram they had all met up in one of the cities (not mine) and everyone was there but me. Ouch. I sent a simple reply to one of their photos and they reached out and gave some bs reply like oh I’m so sorry this just randomly happened we didn’t mean to leave you out. But then it happened again later. And then another time when we were all together in person, one of the girls was trying to reference something to me and she was like yeah I sent it in the chat! And someone else gave her this weird look and she said oh it was in the other chat and then she realized what she’d said and got all awkward. So that’s when I found out they all had a separate group chat without me. Yeah I broke up with that friend group. I said I clearly don’t have a space here anymore, and I’m not interested in continuing this dynamic, goodbye. It sucked but the relief I felt after stepping away was so good and powerful. Even though I was sad for a while, I never regretted it.
Talk to them, but be prepared to walk away. Honestly, those don’t sound like true friends.
Honey, your intuition is right. I’m so so sorry this happened to you.
I want to be clear. You did nothing wrong, and it has nothing to do with you. She sounds jealous and insecure, especially when using exclusion against you.
You seem like a genuinely lovely and kind soul. Please don’t let this situation stomp out your light or change you. Be the gorgeous queen you are!
Also, I have your back in case you need a backup supportive bridesmaid at the last minute.
That’s really messed up, very mean girl behavior. Screw that. These girls seem selfish and I’m sure it will hurt cutting them off, but just them doing something like this to you now, what else will they do later on.