So we saw each other once, had dinner and hooked up. I had “short term” only on what I was looking for and and she had “figuring it out.” As hers. I figured she was just chill with whatever especially with her moving away in like I’m not exaggerating, 6 days, 3 days now, and me also moving in 3 months. She said I “love bombed” her by buying her dinner, and cuddling with her after sex and offering for her to spend the night and not walk home as well as texting her afterwards. I’ll be real I’m not huge into the whole hookup thing, so I’m not sure if this is what happened, I was just trying to be nice and respectful. Anyway she texted me and asked if I wanted to be exclusive. I was straight up said basically (I’m paraphrasing here) “we’re both moving soon and gonna be in very different life situations, I don’t wanna have a long term, long distance relationship. Especially since we’ve only hung out once and won’t be able to again before we both move.”
She got really upset and called me, she was really really drunk, and we talked in circles and eventually she started to referencing “ending it” and then dodging me when I asked what she meant then told me to “not worry about it” and not to “blame” myself and then said she had to go and hung up. I called the cops almost immediately for a wellness check. An hour and 15 later a cop calls me and says that “she’s gonna be okay, she’s on the way to the hospital” and that I “saved a life” tonight.
I genuinely feel so bad. This whole thing is completely my fault. I should never had went through with a hookup, I never should’ve redownloaded the apps. I just think I need to be single forever because I feel so suffocatingly awful. If anyone has advice please let me know, my head is spinning.
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This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You did nothing wrong here. Honestly. It sounds like you treated her respectfully and you were honest and open with your communication. You happened to get together with someone who was not mentally stable. It’s not your fault that you didn’t see the signs, she may have hidden them well. Don’t take this burden on yourself. If you need to, go get some trauma counseling. But whatever you do, do not talk to this person again. She may try to gaslight you into believing it was your fault and manipulate you.
i’m so sorry this happened to you .. for goodness sake this is no where near your fault …. you saved her life! if it weren’t for you she’d be gone ….. one day she will thank you for that …. this is very traumatizing …. do you have a therapist ? counselling will help you reframe this ……
You are absolutely not responsible for her life. Her choices are her own. If she is so unstable that a short term hookup did her in, there is nothing you could have done that would have altered that course. If it wasn’t you, it might have been someone else.
All things considered, you did everything right. You called for a wellness check, and they got her the help she needed. She needs to heal right now, and so do you. Please take care of yourself and reach out to someone you trust if you need support.
Hey so, as someone who was part of hookup culture, that was just basic decency. Meet in a public place (dinner) to make sure you’re not getting bad vibes or smth, offer basic aftercare and making sure they’re able to get home safely (not walking alone at night) all of which she could have refused. As long as you weren’t pushy about any of it, which it seems like you weren’t, it sounds like she had her own issues that she projected on the first person to show her basic decency/be nice to her. I would recommend speaking with a professional if you’re able to, but this was NOT your fault. You just were unlucky enough to be a good person to someone who couldn’t handle it properly.
The best advice I can give you: know you’re never responsible for another person’s actions.
You’re not at fault for hooking up with this gal — she put herself out there & was a willing participant. You not wanting an exclusive relationship with her does not make you responsible for her subsequent behavior.
Be glad you had the insight to call for a wellness check on her.
You weren’t at fault, you were honest and being a nice person is not love bombing, you can take care of someone and not want a full on realationship, it’s not on you that the poor girl thinks that’s love bombing and her attempt isn’t on you either, hopefully she’s getting some help ❤️
This girl has problems beyond your comprehension. You didn’t do anything
Nothing you did as described here is “love bombing.” This person clearly has trauma and issues. She was likely not a fully functional and healthy human being one day, and then suicidal the next because of a one night hookup with a guy who bought her dinner and didn’t immediately kick her out after sex. You were both very up front about your expectations – and sure expectations can change, but that doesn’t make you responsible for the way she handled it if she was inspired to want something more after having a pleasant time. In fact, you should not focus on feeling guilty for what she did, you should focus on the fact that you saved her life. I think many people if not most would not take such a threat seriously and assume the person was being drunk and manipulative. The fact that you cared enough to ACTUALLY CALL THE COPS speaks volumes. What likely happened here is that person was having an incredibly difficult time coping with whatever they were coping with, you got caught up in it, and instead of simply getting laid and walking away you cared enough to SAVE THEIR LIFE. Don’t feel bad for yourself and don’t let this turn you into a shut-in. Everyone is on their own journey, you happened upon someone who was on a rough road, that’ll happen. I hope you both continue onward and manage to be okay.
You may be a catalyst but it’s not your fault. If you didn’t send her over the edge something else would have. What you did do was save her life and I’m so proud of you. Most people aren’t that kind. You did very well
this sounds like she was unstable regardless of your date together. it also sounds as though you behaved like a gentleman on the date, and acted quickly and appropriately after your phone call. this girl clearly needs help, and now she is in the responsibility of professional who can provide this help. be kind to yourself, you are not at fault here whatsoever!
Run
This is called manipulation. Don’t fall for it.
None of this is your fault. Her reaction isn’t normal and a sign she has a significant mental health and possible substance use (alcohol) issue. She needs professional help.
Be proud you got her the help she needed.
Block her everywhere. Don’t let her use her mental health as a way to manipulate you or to damage your mental health.
This whole thing isn’t your fault. She could be mad at you, but calling you and offing herself is a manipulative thing to do, she has a lot of previous issues, and you dodged a huge bullet. Block, move, and move on. The people close to her will deal with her. Even when she tries to demonize you, don’t contact. It is the best for both of you imo.
DONT. I work for a domestic violence shelter and threatening your partner with suicide is considered mental/emotional abuse.
It’s not your fault! You did nothing wrong, you two were hanging out like normal adults but she clearly has attachment issues and toxic behavior for blaming it on you. You were being respectful which I admire you for, and since we don’t have many guys being respectful after hooking up she misunderstood which could have been cleared with a phone call.
Please don’t feel guilty for it, she will for sure try to blame you more and more but try to ignore it, don’t let the toxicity affect you.
This isn’t your fault. There is an inherent danger with getting too close with someone too quickly – you have NO CLUE about them, their life, their past OR their mental health status. Clearly she had issues, and I hope she is getting the help she needs, but that is absolutely not something you should feel responsible for. Block her and be more careful in the future.
I’m sorry OP. It sounds like this girl has entered into an extreme state of limerence. You were kind and respectful to her after having sex (something she is apparently not used to), so she took those good feelings and turned them into a whole love story in her head. Limerence can be very intense and can happen very quickly. It sounds like she latched onto the good feelings she got from you and didn’t want them to go away, so she did the equivalent of what a child would do but as an adult. She hurt herself to try to get your attention and to get your care, like a kid would do to get the attention of a neglectful parent because it worked in the past. She was trying to do what worked for her growing up, but it’s not your responsibility to take care of her.
It was not your fault. Let me repeat that: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. As adults, we are all responsible for our own actions. Her actions are her responsibility, not yours. However, it might be easier for you to feel guilt than feeling out of control, which is what you are in this situation. You are not in control of her actions or behaviors. You did nothing wrong. She is ill and she was ill before she met you. Being with you might have triggered her trauma, but again, that is not on you. There is no way you could know what she would do.
You’re a scapegoat in someone else’s trauma drama, smile, wave and very quickly disappear.
Not your fault. She likely has an underlying major mental health issue with abandonment obsessions. She likely has major trauma and needs long term therapy and help. Block her if you feel comfortable now, or at least the second you leave town.
At the end of it all, you saved her OP. I’m proud of you
Nope. That’s a mentally unstable person who was weaponizing therapy talk on you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You saved her from herself. Now disconnect from this girl and move on.
Hi I’m so so sorry this happened to you and it’s hard to not feel like this isn’t your fault but she clearly unwell. Do not blame yourself, my god I’m so sorry
No, the whole thing is definitely not your fault. She made decisions too. She also made the decision to try to do herself in.
Reading your post, I feel grateful that: 1- you didn’t get more involved than you did with this person, 2- that she encountered you, rather than a less compassionate person, 3- that you had the presence of mind to call a welfare check for her; I don’t think most people would have done that, 4- that she is physically alright, and 5- that she is hopefully getting treatment she desperately needs. This person was very unwell before you ever met her, and is over-reacting to both your kindness and your decision not to pursue a long-term relationship. In no way is this your fault. If anything, you helped this woman draw attention to a real need for professional help.
BROTHER. Piling on here to say THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If anything you should be proud of yourself for being resepctful and caring enough that this girl who clearly has no one else called you in such a vulnerable moment. The paramedics werent lying. You saved her life. Take a break for a while. Maybe get some therapy. But dont blame yourself, pat yourself on the back.
You did nothing wrong.
Honey you did everything right here. Including not making her walk home after sex, texted her after and made sure she was okay. You did well.
Then she made comments that sounded like she might try to hurt herself and you called for help. You might be the only person who cared about her that day.
The cops are right, you saved a life.
I would continue your plans. If you need to talk to a professional, do so. This is a big deal to have happen at your age. I would want to talk to someone as well, this is a lot to handle.
Having a hook up and treating that person with kindness and respect is normal and much needed in the dating world. Hooking up and not wanting more does not mean treating the person like crap, kicking them out in the middle of the night, etc. Clearly this girl has a lot of issues that have nothing to do with you. As everyone said here, this is NOT your fault. You met someone clearly not okay, and it sucks you had to fall into her self destructive path. Get some therapy for yourself.
You didn’t do anything. You were great even. Before the situation and after. She has a lot of problems and none of it has anything to do with you.
You did nothing wrong…she made a choice, she is emotionally immature and trying to blame it on you. Run away and never look back
This happened to one of my best friends. It is not your fault. I cannot emphasize that enough. If it wasn’t you, she would’ve blamed someone else.
Hey, don’t blame yourself for this.
I’m suicidal (well was, I’m medicated now) and though I will never tell them, I had a fight with a friend that nearly ended with me taking my own life. I don’t remember what the fight was about exactly, I just remember it wasn’t something to die over (I’m talking like “we were supposed to hang out and you didn’t tell me you didn’t feel well, so now we both feel like shit” kinda fight, very fixable after like 1 talk not being high on emotions). I was able to stop myself in time, and sought out help. From my perspective, being the unstable one, it is not my friend’s fault or, in your situation, yours.
Sounds to me like she mistook your respect for interest, and she might have some mental issues or imbalances that made her react this violently, but you DID THE RIGHT THING. You called for a wellness check, you did what you were supposed to do, and even if it had ended in tragedy, it still would not be your fault. Her reaction is not a normal reaction to have, like my reaction was not a normal one to have.
Coming from me, who attempted a few times before finally getting the help I needed, nothing friends or family could have said or done would have made me seek it until the time I did. Even if she blames you for her attempt, you are not responsible for it. She clearly needs help, and I hope this can be a waking call for her to get better, but for you, you might need it as well. It sounds very recent, so obviously how you feel is very valid, and it probably feels very raw, but if you can remember ANYTHING from any comments, its that it wasn’t your fault or your responsibility. You did great, and you sound like a kind and good person. You sent help her way, and instead of focusing on the what ifs, you can at least take comfort that you did save a life.
Do not date someone who drinks alcohol
Not your fault AT ALL! I’ve had people threaten to commit while we’re dating when I tried to leave. People who are mentally ill and in that mindset will be determined to at the slightest inconvenience, I almost did because of SHOES once because of my depression. You had nothing to do with it, she just wanted you to feel responsible because you didn’t want to date her
What she did is not your fault. You are not at fault for the choice she made. If you had caved this time, she would have done it again the next time. It’s manipulative behavior to gain control in a situation where she feels completely out of control. Your one-night hookup did not cause this. She was sick before she came into your life. You didn’t pick this woman hoping for a soulmate – you made your expectations clear from the beginning.
Right now, do what you can control. Block her on everything, including SM, your phone, hookup apps, etc. Talk to someone you trust won’t judge you, a friend or a therapist. Do something that helps you take your mind off the situation that isn’t destructive – go for a walk, play a game, make yourself your favorite meal, or go hang out with friends. Time and talking with someone will help you process this.
This isn’t your fault in the slightest. It’s very clear, for multiple reasons, that she was already troubled before this. Hopefully she will get the help she needs now.
You did good by calling the cops. That was your own responsibility here, and you handled it appropriately.
Brother I’ve been through a situation like this before. It is not your fault at all. But I will tell you that there is nothing more destructive to a man’s potential than a mentally ill partner. They can and they will bring you down to their level and then turn you into the villain of their life.
Just like all the other guys are saying here, you were very respectful and very communicative but at the same time it’s not your job to be someone’s therapist or to fix someone. Just like every other person in the dating world right now, you’re trying to figure yourself out and so is she.
However she is most definitely mentally ill. You can feel sorry for her, you can want her to get help, hell you can even feel bad about trauma that she inflicted on you but at the same time, this is something she has to get past on her own. And with you guys not being in a long-term relationship, why would you sign up for that? Don’t talk to her again. Just keep moving forward. You got this pal.
Sometimes you are a casualty in someone else’s war with themselves.
Can’t imagine what shes been through if she thinks a dinner and not being kicked out immediatly after a hookup is love bombing.. Nevertheless, you did nothing wrong and it is absolutely not your fault, you couldn’t have known. If anything you did everything right. You were absolutely nice and respectful, open and honest about your situation, even talking with her when she drunk called you while spiraling. I think that alone would have been too much for a lot of other people, who would probably just try to hang up to get out of the situation. You couldn’t have reacted better. You actually saved a life.
Motherfucker let me tell you right now. None of that is your fucking fault. That goddamn person has mental issues and you feeling guilty is probably the exact reaction she wants to get out of you.
You should be as guilt free as you can possibly be and honestly even feel happy because you didn’t dodge a bullet, you dodged an entire fucking hydrogen bomb with this situation. You should block this person and never unblock them, she’s not your responsibility, you don’t even know the damn person that well, so keep on living your life the way you want to, without a single care for this person.
It is NOT YOUR FAULT. That girl is mentally unwell ad unstable. She is mentally ill.
She knew what you were looking for and NOT looking for, before you two hooked up. And seriously, who wants to go exclusive after only ONE single date???? Especially with oth parties moving away to different places?
Block her and move on, you are in no way responsible for her life or her actions. You’ve done more than enough by calling the cops to check in on her and saved her life.
Seek therapy if needed. But stop interacting with her! You did nothing wrong at all.
This is not your fault whatsoever.
Sometimes people search for a reason to commit suicide, use it no matter how ridiculous and unfair it is. It usually leaves people like you with the guilt, they’re so selfish for doing that.
Wash your hands and cut all contact with her. She needs professional help. Maybe you should get a therapist as well to help cope with the trauma she put you through.
Again, OP, this is not your fault. She’s manipulative af
You did the exact right thing. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, nothing you did or didn’t do could be the cause of such a decision. Wild that she accuses you of “love bombing” and then jumps straight into manipulation. I’m glad you called the cops and handled it how you did. Hopefully she gets the help she needs.
You saved the life of someone you barely knew.
I know your brain is probably stressed out right now, but I hope you begin to feel proud of what you did. You should feel pride in it
How can she blame it on you and then in turn say you saved her. It’s a manipulation tactic and she’s a bitch.
My dude, this was not your fault. As you were told, you saved a life. It feels bad, if anyone in this world knows I know.
My ex almost died and I made sure she got help. I felt guilty, when I did everything I could possibly have done. Having feelings can really suck, especially if you have empathy and are dealing with… Selfish, unempathetic people. It’s wild how heartless people can be and how destructive it can be when they push their pain onto others. Accountability isn’t something they can deal with, but it doesn’t mean you have to take that on. Glad to see you’re getting help, please steer clear of this person as no good will come from associating with them. If they keep harassing you get a protective order. Your state might not do much if they violate (mine didn’t) but you should still do the right thing on your end so things aren’t weaponized against you. Crazy ppl are dangerous.
OP this was bad luck plain and simple. Shes clearly unstable and shouldn’t be on a dating app if shes gonna threaten suicide after she gets rejected after going out ONCE. And then making you responsible for calling for a wellness check. I feel so terrible for you OP.
Honestly her guilting you by calling basic common decency “love-bombing” is disgusting and manipulative behavior. She needs help. And you dodged a bullet when you rejected her.
That’s not love bombing. That’s just being a decent human being. You did nothing wrong, she needs more help than any of us regular folks can give her.
bro, she’s a psycho, someone else wouldn’t have called the cops despite her trying the same thing. Chances are she got clingy and was hooking up to try to get someone to help her out because she was suicidal.
Lovebombing ain’t hugging and sending a text after.
Relax man, it’s her not you. I’ll presume you’re both adults. Block her and move on. You barely know her you owe her nothing. Forget her and chive on.
This is called emotional blackmail and is not okay. She sounds like she needs help clearly.
No. She manipulated you in thinking it was because of you. These are the people that you absolutely need to cut off all contact.