For context me and my gf have been together for 2 years, living together for 1 and are lesbians. I hate sleeping next to her at night and i feel awful saying it but it feels good to get off my chest.
My gf is what I would call a fidget sleeper. She swings out her legs and arms, and will wake me up because she’s on the “edge of the bed” despite me hanging off the edge of the bed, and only being able to use a third of my pillow. She’ll wake me up because the covers aren’t on her, only to see that she’s kicked the cover off herself and its folded, if she opened her eyes she would see that, but instead wakes me up to fix it for her. Or she’ll pull the cover off me entirely, and then when i say you’ve take my corner she’ll complain that she hasn’t until I fix it for us both. There’s so many times I’ll say please just open your eyes and look, the first port of call shouldn’t be waking me up but she doesn’t and falls back to sleep quickly. I’ve mentioned multiple times, that I am the type of person when awoken, I find it very very difficult to fall back to sleep, but still it happens night after night.
You’d think thats the worst of it but the main issue for me is the flip/flopping and fidgeting. Now I don’t mind a little fidget here and there, but I don’t even know if I can accurately describe it as fidgeting. When she flip flops my whole body lifts off the bed and slams back into it. I’ve lost count with the amount of times my head and body have lifted off the bed, to slam back into it waking me up, and then she continues, so i’m laying there now awake just flying up and down onto the bed. It feels like legit sleeping on a bouncing castle and a person is jumping up and down next to me. It’s really frustrating and I feel myself losing patience as the days go by. I know it might be just her sleeping but I wake up constantly exhausted, and sluggish. I feel sleep deprived and it just doesn’t feel fair. (Imagine when i’m on my period, cramping and slamming over and over again into the bed – hell). I day dream about the days I used to sleep in a dorm single bed back in the day, that’s how dire it is.
I tried bringing it up for umpteemth time, because I’ve had to resort to sleeping on the floor (the couch is too small) some nights just to be able to sleep. It’ll be 6am and everytime I doze off I’m jolted awake and i’ve barely have a total 30 mins of sleep, and so I’ve started just picking my pillow up and sleeping on the floor. Which is uncomfortable af. But when we spoke she just blamed it on her weight, shutting the conversation down and said there’s nothing that can be done, that she needs to flip flop to be comfortable. Now, I couldn’t say anything in response because I know she’s sensitive about her weight. I don’t even think that’s the issue, because if she gets up to use the toilet and comes back to bed, she flops onto the bed. There’s no need to jump into bed, or when she flip flops she’ll jump up as she’s turning slamming into the bed, arghhhhhh. It’s annoying.
We cannot replace the bed as we are renting. I love this girl I do, I just want to sleep. I wish we had the finances to get another bed or a couch, to move out of this place but for now this is where we’re at. And I just have to put up with barely sleeping at night. This is just a vent but yeah I really have started to hate sleeping next to my gf.
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You need to have another conversation with her. A serious one. It’s not about blame. It’s about both of you problem solving together so that both of you can get the sleep you need.
Regardless of why she sleeps like that, she does sleep like that, and it does keep you awake. So you two need to change something.
Maybe you can get an air mattress and make a comfy space on the floor. Maybe you two can alternate weeks for who sleeps on the floor.
Try to approach it in a loving way, where you are not judging her as a human being, you love her, she loves you, and you both want each other to be healthy and well rested. She may get defensive, but just try to hold your ground from that accepting and problem-solving perspective.
Get an air mattress!
Take some video so she can see how she’s flipping around to give her some context. And use separate blankets to help with the other part.
I’m just like her and I hate sharing a bed with someone else. My ideal living situation would be to have separate bedrooms. I love my privacy and I feel a lot more comfortable sleeping when I know I’m not gonna elbow someone in the forehead (it’s happened before). I’m so mindful of my movements it’s actually impossible to sleep.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to sleep separately. It used to be the norm. You can find any situation that works for you, and you’ll both be happier for it.
Y’all may have to invest in separate beds, sorry to say 😵💫
This might be rambling nonsense but is she drinks lots of caffeine maybe ask her to cut back. I used to do that in my sleep too until I left my high stress job and didn’t need the caffeine as much.
You can try separate blankets if you think it will help. My bf and I are upgrading to an Alaskan king size bed. Or you can try sleeping separately and see if it makes a difference.
Get a bigger bed and sleep on it in 2 sleeping bags
Get her to an ENT sounds symptomatic of sleep apnes
Separate beds are a life saver here
Separate blankets for sure for part of it, but she needs to really come to grips with how this is affecting you. She needs to take accountability and do something to resolve it. I move in my sleep and I also have been known to hog blankets, but a gentle nudge always wakes me up and I get up and fix whatever it is. If that means covering my boyfriend back up or scooting over to give him more space, I take care of it. It is concerning to me her lack of care in how this is affecting you. You need to take a step back and look at your relationship and see if there are other troublesome things that you feel are being ignored. This doesn’t sound healthy or loving and your girlfriend sounds selfish. It would straight up piss me off if my boyfriend said “it is what it is” to my lack of sleep. Don’t accept less than you deserve.
Try separate blankets!! My husband and I have done this since we started dating because i’m a cover hog. We both sleep under our own blankets and have never had a problem again. The could solve one issue for you guys
My partner and I have also had problems like this. He’s a flailer.. hands and elbows all night long. I don’t have an answer for the moving around, but one of the things we did to help our sleep situation was to get a second blanket. He has a blanket, I have a blanket, and we throw the comforter over top both of us if it’s really cold. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s better than it was before.
Get a king sized bed.
Use two separate blankets.
I’ve always found it difficult to sleep next to someone – and now with 2 small children constantly trying to get in my bed, my husband thankfully can sleep in the tiny twin with one of them so he usually goes to their bed so as to have everyone get some sleep.
But the best partner advice I give people is separate covers (at the very least!). I haven’t ever shared a comforter, I need my own and will die clutching that thing before I share, lol. Secondly, is a new mattress an option? Even if it’s secondhand – foam has zero bounce and in fact it’s hard to even get up from it, because it provides no spring back. We got ours for maybe $250 online (queen) and then added a 3” foam topper.
Sleep is everything. My parents haven’t slept in the same bed in years, my dad’s snoring could literally shake the entire house as a kid. They’re still happily married. Again, sleep is everything!
You said you can’t afford a new bed but you must do something. I’ve seen in some European (?) countries they have what looks like two twins pushed together. Separate mattresses and everything. Losing sleep takes years off your life and keeps your body from rejuvenating itself.
My second thought on this is that you say you love her and hopefully she loves you the same so you should be able to talk about this and come to a solution. If you can’t, maybe it’s not meant to be.
Abuse
Separate beds are a godsend. When my wife is bothered by my snoring, she sleeps in the bed in her office. When one of us is sick (she has covid right now), we do the same. If I want to watch something in bed and not wake her, I’ll sleep in her office. Having that flexibility is great.
You need to be able to discuss this with her, or you’re going to grow resentful. One simple solution would be two twin beds in the same room, allowing you to push them together as desired. They also make beds with movement isolation, where you don’t feel the other person moving. Use separate blankets and you’re good to go. So there are some solutions that resolve this… it will just take speaking to her about it and trying to figure out what approach works best for both of you.
So my first thought as a stop gap – girl just get yourself your OWN blanket. I understand it won’t stop the flopping issue. But it’ll stop all those blanket related issues because none of it could possibly be your fault if you have separate blankets. failing that, it opens up a conversation with undeniable evidence/leverage that she wakes you up needlessly and then maybe something more productive can happy
Idk, I get a sore back from cuddling my partner at night so I somewhat feel your pain
no longer married, but after sharing a bed for 16 years, i am a HUGE proponent of separate beds. so much resentment could be saved.
Hubby and I do separate blankets which helped a lot and for a while we had separate air mattresses next to each other (partially due to moving and not having funds for a new bed until recently) and we could still reach across to each other for comfort without driving each other nuts with movement or if one of us was having a restless night. Try an air mattress and alternating who sleeps on it and see how that goes for you guys.
Get an air mattress and make her sleep on it. She’s the problem so why should you be punished even more by having to sleep on the floor?
First thing is to get yourself another blanket. After marrying my wife and sharing the blanket I realized I’d never have a good night’s sleep so I got myself a blanket and when I go to sleep, I push the big one away and just use my single person blanket. No fights, no blaming. If I’m cold or warm it’s on me.
Second: Our 15 year old mattress needed to be replaced. We got a Nectar. (Not a plug)This is a foam mattress and doesn’t bounce like a spring mattress. You should look into changing the mattress.
Third: if your partner is moving too much you may have to sleep someplace else. If they are unresponsive to talking out a solution then new sleeping arrangements must be made or every time they wake you up, you wake them up and have a discussion. Aggressive, yes but honesty in a relationship is important and if they don’t realize the impact they are having with an awake and honest conversation then being woken up to have a repetitive conversation may help them understand the impact they are having on the love of their life.
This is wild. You definitely should have a separate sleeping situation if she is so unwilling to hear you. I get that the sleep moving is mostly uncontrollable, but the waking you, lazily, so she doesn’t have to do anything for herself is insane. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture, nobody could continue on like that for much longer without building some serious resentment.
Try a German bed. It is literally two twins pushed together. They have separate frames, separate mattresses and sheets but are joined so you can visit.
My husband and I each have our own room
Maybe you could try a weighted blanket for her? Im a fidgety sleeper as well, and it’s helped me not move as much during the night. Hope you can get some rest OP 💜
My friends sleep with two seperate comforters. It wont solve the flip flopping but itll solve the blanket yanking.
The number of people suggesting separate blankets is wild. That’ll hopefully prevent the blanket thievery, but will do nothing for the flopping, which seems like it’s the largest issue of several.
Your partner is being insensitive to your needs (waking you up to fix the covers is absurd), but you really need separate beds. Is there room on the floor for an air mattress or something? Not ideal, but not as expensive as an additional bed or a new couch.
My partner and I learned early on that we can’t sleep in the same bed. We are incompatible sleepers and would both wake up feeling like shit. When we moved in together we knew we needed separate rooms. It works out great.
This is obviously not in the cards for you right now, but you can’t keep going on with this sleep deprivation.
You said that was just a vent, but people seem to be giving advice so I’ll just join the group.
Invest in a good air mattress (not the kind that deflate by morning, but the solid more expensive ones) and sleep in the livingroom. I’ve used a good one before and it’s fabulous. Or, a good thick roll up foam mattress. I agree with others saying you just don’t sound sleep compatible. My husband and I don’t share blankets, and got a King bed for more space. Not everyone can just easily share a sleeping space. Sounds like your partner isn’t willing to make the changes you suggested so I think moving your sleeping location is a good alternative and something you can control.
My husband and I adore each other, and we share rooms…with our respective dogs.
It’s not for everyone, but it’s right for a lot of people who fear the stigma or whatever and don’t claim the space they need
Maybe a memory foam mattress if you have a box spring so it’s not as bouncy and absorbs whiplash. Also, separate blankets, and if it’s possible, separate beds
I usually like to keep stuff a little bit colder in the house when I have a partner, for me if I’m too hot I flip flop and am super uncomfortable. Single now but I still get the same thing if my husky climbs in bed and starts being a furnace while cuddling.
The part where you describe flying up and down the bed cracked me up so hard. I couldn’t continue reading. I’m crying 😂
i didnt read this, which sorry. but many people have partners they live with and are in a happy healthy relationship and sleep in different beds/rooms. this might be the way you should go. goodluck op!
(side note, if i ever date someone im def gonna have my own bed at least, if not my own room. i know for fact id be a nightmare to sleep next too! my mum told me so ever since i was a little kid and would sleep next to her when i had nightmares 😂 i still talk in my sleep and she can hear me from her bedroom at night sometimes 💀)
I’m a rotisserie chicken all night and my wife says I snore. She is up every two hours and breathes like Darth Vader. We are both in our 50s, have separate bedrooms, and we both get sleep and it works for us. It’s awful being next to someone either being woken up or being the one waking up the other. Nothing is worse than covers being stolen or the all night bed shake from having to go pee. I am sympathetic to your plight.
As a blanket hog, we have two blankets on the bed.
Not ideal, but you could find a spot for a Japanese style tatami mattress and sleep on the floor, just a little more comfortably, and put it away when needed. They’re cheap and foldable. Then you can have peace while you’re in that apartment.
Get a separate single bed, place it anywhere it fits. There are plenty given for free off market place all the time. Keep an eye out.
I love lucy had it right with two twin beds in the master bedroom
Memory foam bed, king size with separate blankets. Memory foam doesn’t transfer motion as much as a traditional spring or combo mattress. The king size gives you more space. It’s harder to steal separate blankets.
My bf is a paraplegic, and when he transfers into bed or moves around in bed it wakes me up. It helps that we have a king sized bed already. I know a new bed isn’t the solution for you right now. I would totally recommend getting separate blankets/duvets. We recently switched from 1 king duvet to two single duvets. It’s a game changer! No more fighting over blankets anymore!
If you need separate beds but don’t have space, I’ve slept on two thick foam mattress pads, then rolled them up and stuck it in a closet until night
Might be time to start saving for a king sized bed. Can confirm it’s saved my marriage. Good sleep = happiness
The first time me and my husband slept together in bed he almost suffocated me he threw his arm out and it covered my mouth and nose just perfectly my mind woke up but my body didn’t until I was about to pass out from it. Since then I’ve resulted to the if he throws night hands at me I’ll throw night hands at him he kicks me in my sleep I kick him back he has a bad habit of putting the blanket in between his legs we just have multiple blankets on the bed for that and multiple pillows but I usually end up with more pillows cause he throws his
You definitely need to talk about it, and there are solutions.
The Scandinavian blanket method helps (you each have your own bedding). Also, there are twin beds that have wire frames that link together to be a king bed. The benefit is that you won’t feel her flopping if the beds are just pushed together. Some movement, likely, but not bouncing you off the mattress.
Some couples just have their own beds, either in the same room or separate rooms. It can save a marriage if everyone can agree to sleep apart – cuddle and have sex and watch reels together in one bed or another or on the couch, and sleep apart.
I would get an air mattress or an ikea daybed. The daybed is a little expensive ($200-300?) but is way cheaper than buying another mattress, and cheaper than most other daybeds. I have one and i honestly like sleeping on it!