I made it back to my parents alive and just need to tell someone

I was diagnosed in 2018 with BPD and recently made the hardest decision of my life to leave my partner of 6 years. He manipulated me using my own self hatred until he finally isolated me completely. I finally realized the terrifying escalation of violence that was happening before my eyes. From verbal assaults to throwing me across rooms and punching/choking me.

For so long I made excuses and minimized the abuse. I believed him when he told me I deserved everything, that I was lucky to “have it as good as I do”. That nobody would want someone broken like me. My abuser used the insecurities I confided in him to manipulate me.

A few days before I got the courage to leave he assaulted me for hours, held me down and strangled me, I truly thought I would die that day. I was vividly aware the next assault may end with me dead.

I even told him one day I was done and wanted to leave. He sped up the car, swerved into oncoming traffic and told me that’s fine he’ll just kill us both then. I begged and apologized for hours before he let me out of the car. Finally I realized he didn’t love me he wanted me as a possession dead or alive.

I spent weeks planning and finally managed to escape my abuser. I left everything I owned behind to get away alive. We traveled back to our home state for a funeral and I packed a bag and ran when. It had been 3 years since I’d seen or talked to my family. I reported everything to the authorities and they are pursuing charges.

I’m want to tell you not every moment in a DV relationship is bad, that is what makes leaving so hard. Victims desperately seek out the “good times” to prove to yourself you should stay and it is love. But victims in the same breath end up minimizing and ignoring the red flags. Abusers use just enough kindness to manipulate our brains into believing things aren’t that bad, we must be exaggerating. We aren’t! We want to see the best in someone and that’s why people stay so long, hoping love can change that person.

Love won’t change them. You won’t change them. You deserve love and a healthy relationship. Don’t stop searching for that. Choose yourself before it’s too late.