Okay, so I (18F) just graduated high school and am taking a gap year before college. I live with my dad (45M) and my stepmom (36F), who just had a baby three months ago. I work part-time and contribute to my own expenses, but I don’t pay rent or anything.
Ever since the baby was born, my stepmom has been asking me to “help out” more, which has slowly turned into her just expecting me to babysit for free whenever she wants a break. At first, I didn’t mind watching my half-sister here and there, but it’s gotten ridiculous. She’ll call me home from hanging out with my friends, wake me up early on my days off, or just hand me the baby without asking first.
The other day, she left the house without telling me and left me alone with the baby. I had plans to go out, but I obviously couldn’t just leave, so I was forced to stay home. When she got back, I told her she needed to ask me first and not assume I’ll always be available. She got really upset and said, “You live here for free, the least you can do is help.”
I told her I never agreed to be a free babysitter just because I live here, and that if they wanted a full-time nanny, they should hire one. My dad took her side and said that since I’m part of the family, I should be helping more. I told them I’d start looking for other places to stay if they kept pushing this on me. Now they’re both mad at me, and my dad says I’m being ungrateful.
AITA for refusing to babysit even though I live in their house rent-free?
Comments
Helping out and being the maid/babysitter are two different things. If she doesn’t notify you first, then don’t do it. If you are stuck because she has left, tell her and your father that you are not the default parent in the house.
I get you live there rent free, but that doesn’t mean they need to treat you like a live-in babysitter, you have your own life too, she can’t just rely on you to watch the baby whenever she needs a break
Who does your laundry? Cooking? Grocery shopping? Cleaning?
NTA the baby is theirs not yours, living rent free doesn’t mean you have to deal with a newborn constantly, the fact that your dad agrees with your step mom is insane. If you can I would suggest you to move, you aren’t being ungrateful you are only 18 yourself you should enjoy life without having to deal with your step sibling being left to you, especially if you haven’t discussed it before.
NTA, you’re an adult, she can’t order you around or tell you what you can & can’t do. I’d just move out and live my life. For them it’s all about their house their rules. Offer to pay rent until you can move out see what they say.
NTA, they shouldn’t expect this if you. Maybe do you gap year elsewhere
Not your kid, not your responsibility. Do start looking for other living arrangements because this will not stop. Best to get out before the child tries to bond to you. NTA
I think you need to express to your dad just how often it’s been occurring and ask if he’s noticed your step mum having any PPD symptoms.
I think he just thinks you’re being a typical teenager and trying to skank out of helping.
NTA- having a baby is hard, especially if it’s your first, but you in no way signed up for that responsibility and the over reliance needs nipping in the bud now.
Maybe offer to help out in other ways? Like making dinner a couple of days per week or doing laundry. As an adult, living rent-free, you should be pulling your weight anyway.
Also, make sure the majority of your money goes to savings, not hanging with your friends, in case shit does hit the fan.
Ask why your dad isn’t giving her a break and babysitting his own kid
Their kid their responsibility, babysitting is a privilege not a right, they should be paying you if that’s the case. Start looking for other living arrangements. Your dad and stepmom are AH and shouldn’t be having kids at their age if he can’t handle it. What were they going to do once you went to college? Fob the kid off to anyone. Ridiculous and irresponsible.
But with that being said as an 18 year old adult living rent free, you should do you share of cooking family dinners, cleaning and doing the laundry those are responsibilities you definitely have to take on and. When you’re doing laundry ask to do everyone’s as thats wasting electricity just doing your own load. Cooking your own dinners also isn’t good, ask your dad for the money and go do grocery shopping. Those are things you can and should do.
NTA. Do not come home if you are some place else. I would not answer your phone or text either. You should not be a free nanny but they may kick you out too. Can you live with your mom?
NTA. That’s dangerous leaving the baby without telling you. You could leave the house without telling her and a baby would be left home alone!
Do you pay rent or contribute any way to the household? If not, this is the contribution they expect. If you pay, then no, I don’t think free childcare something they should expect of you.
If you are willing to provide some, let them know the parameters (ie T & Th evenings only).
Not your kid, not your problem.
I might suggest being proactive. Explain you want a job and need to know what their expectations are the baby, and that this could relieve stress if you knew what days/ nights you were needed so you can save money for the next year. Or ask if this would be a regular paid position?
NTA but I don’t think the behavior is going to stop.
UpdateMe
I would look for other places this is not a situation you want to progress and be in starts saving up if you can, you’re out of school and have some free time work hard or try to set boundaries with them again
NTA. I’m excited you get to find a new place to live and start living your life free of these nutjobs.
You said half brother in the story and half sister in the comments. Which is it?
Grand parents?
NTA.
You have not given birth to this child so he is not your responsibility.
I can see them wanting you to help out in exchange for free rent, but that should be communicated properly…this is an insane level of expectation. Leaving her baby at home with you for hours without even asking is at the very least rude and entitled, it’s also super irresponsible of her to do in my opinion.
Move out, it’s the only way to solve this. NTA
NTA Find a new place to live or accept you are now a full time nanny. Lock your door so she can’t wake you up and if she hand you the baby put it in the crib.
There are two things , first if you are living for rent free it doesn’t mean you are a baby sitter for her ,
But 2nd thing is that , if you are living rentfree then be polite and do everything she says
The person you should be speaking with is your father. You also need to find an extra job or ask for more hours. You’re going to need the money, and it will also give you somewhere to be besides at her beck and call.
NTA. Her baby is hers to care for. Move out because this is only going to escalate since your dad took her side.
Yep. Your stepmom and dad aren’t going to back down.
Time for your own place. It’s the only way you’ll get peace and not taken advantage of.
That’s the whole problem with rent-free.
It obviously isn’t. “Free stuff” usually comes with some form of obligation and responsibility, or debt.
You don’t often get much of a chance to pick and choose because that is usually up to the whim of people who don’t respect you, or want something from you. Or feel you owe them something.
You already know that they are unreasonable – by just handing you the baby and leaving,
and calling you home from being out, so you likely can’t negotiate something, but you could try that.
“I am willing to babysit 2 hours per day between X and Y,
or I’ll sit with you and make up a schedule.
I need 24 hour notice of change.
No one calls me in on other times. No disappearing etc.
Maybe they respect you enough for that, Maybe not.
IMO – your choice here is – suck it up until you leave.
And you should leave ASAP.
NTA
Tell Dad maybe if he stepped up more it wouldn’t be so much. Like Dad on your day off you wake up and take care of the child you created. I didn’t sign on to be a teen mom. If you want to completely alienate me just keep up your ridiculous behavior. After college I won’t see a need to ever return!
Why did you switch it from brother to sister?
You need to sit your dad and your stepmom down and say, “look, I don’t mind looking after my little brother now and then. I understand it’s not easy with a newborn, but you need to ask me first. He’s my brother not my kid. He’s your kid, and you need to take responsibility for him.*
What are they going to do when you leave for college? Are they going to call you home from school to work after him? Are they going to start calling you home from work to look after him? They need to be boundary set. Having them ask you before just dumping this kid on you is a good first step.
Next time she leaves you with the baby without asking call the police. It’s child abandonment. I don’t even do that to my husband and his the kids dad. You are not responsible for her child she chose to have her daughter you didn’t end of story. If she needs more help dad needs to step up not treat you as their free nanny. NTA
Tell them they’ll be part of the family too when you have kids, and will be treated as free babysitting service. Add that you look forward to not looking after your own kids because they will
NTA sounds like you’ll be moving out soon
Move out
You live rent free. You are freeloading. She doesn’t need to ask. This woman is overwhelmed and you are a taking leach. (The worst kind of stepchild possible). This woman could put you on your ass, but she only wants you to HELP OUT and you are making her out to be the villain. Free advice like the freeloading you are doing: if you don’t like it MOVE OUT and GET A JOB you lazy asshole. But you won’t because that would mean PAYING FOR SHIT.
NTA
If you live there rent-free, I would expect you to help with the housework, but not to permanently babysit her baby. It’s your stepmother and father’s responsibility to care for the child, not yours.
Could you sit with your dad and work out fixed time chores
Eg cook dinner for all Tuesday & Thursday. Babysit 2 x 2hr blocks ar a preset time. Then you would be helping and able to plan around it.
Soft ESH. On the one hand…You’re 18, which means you’re an adult and not automatically entitled to free room and board in your dad and SM’s home. On the other hand, you are not a hired babysitter and it shouldn’t be just expected from you without the courtesy of notice and respect for the fact that you have a life and a job. So yes, I think it’s reasonable for you to babysit occasionally in exchange for the privilege of living in their home rent-free; however, they need to respect your boundaries as well. Sit down with them and work out a weekly schedule where you know in advance when you will be needed. Also understand that there might be an occasional emergency and they can to call on you on short notice if necessary, but it shouldn’t be assumed that you will always be available to drop everything on a moment’s notice.
Hope that helps. And if they are unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, or SM’s behavior continues, then start looking for another place to live.
Forget the “Gap year”. I’d suggest looking into ANY school you can get into for SUMMER semester or figure out a full time gig and someplace else to move. She is already escalating. This will get worse.
NTA.
Let them know if they’re not capable of taking care of their child and just leaving the house without telling you that you’ll call cps for child abandonment
Once a week could maybe be an agreed arrangement that you can make plans around but just taking off and not telling you is vile
This is AI generated and the OP can’t even remember which gender her sibling was supposed to be.
When busted:
>Its a girl, I said brother on accident, I have a brother too and im not used to saying sister yet. My brother is 14 so he still feels like my baby brother yk
Christ, they can’t even lie convincingly. Eesh.
Nta. But it might be time to move. She only sees you as a live in baby sitter..
NTA Updateme
You’re only 18 and just graduated. Of course you live there for free. Helping out isn’t full baby duties. She shouldn’t have gotten knocked up and he shouldn’t have impregnated her if they didn’t want to take care of their children.
NTA
NTA.
You are absolutely right, you set some boundaries, good for you.
Now, if you do want to stay living there and try and come to a better resolution, consider sitting them both down and talking about a way forward. You do live there for free and you say you don’t mind “helping out” but your stepmother was taking advantage of that. Consider what- if anything- you are willing to do, and sit them both down and lay it out.
Start with why this became an issue- her just literally leaving the house without telling/asking you to watch the baby, and her expectations that you will help and even have to come home whenever she wants is not going to work, and by the way, is pretty rude.
Then say what you are willing to do. Babysit when asked in advance, like if they want to go on a date, or if your stepmother has an appointment coming up. You get to say no of course, but it seems reasonable if a few times a month they ask in advance for you to help out while stepmother goes to the dentist, or if they want a date night.
And if you are home and stepmother needs help, well she can ask then too, just like people would ask for help in other ways. If I’m with my family and they need help lifting something, of course I help. So if stepmother wants to go garden outside and asks you to watch the baby, sure, or if she wants to deep clean the bathroom and you are watching tv, sure she can ASK to leave the baby with you. Again, you can say no if you are studying or won’t be available, but that feels like an appropriate thing to ask for, and for you to help with, but not all the time.
This shows your Dad that you are willing to help, but that it had gotten to be too much and was done in a disrespectful way. That is THEIR child, and they can ask for help, but need to respect your time too.
You live in a house with your dad and her, not as her babysitter.
I don’t think you’re being ungrateful – ungrateful would mean not contributing to cleaning and maybe cooking.
Time to move out. Especially when stepmom doesn’t have the decency to even ask.
NTA. Find somewhere else to stay. They’ll step up if they don’t have you to use and abuse. Your presence makes it ez for them. Is your Mom and or Grandparents out of the picture?
Babysitting a newborn is an intense responsibility and just because they’re too cheap to hire a nanny doesn’t mean they get to force you to do it. However, if you are OK doing it a certain certain amount of time just let them know. I’m available whatever day at whatever time to watch the baby other than that if you leave the house, I will leave the baby alone.
I feel like that’s a good compromise. Or if they want to have a date night and they ask you a week in advance. No, you’re not asshole
Grow up or move out. The baby isnt “your stepmothers baby” but your sister. You arent babysitting but helping out.
If you dont like it move out.
NTA. Call their bluff and move out.
The leaving – and simply leaving the baby in the crib in your room – without your permission or even awareness, is getting really close to neglect.
Might not be a bad idea to make plans to move out and run the situation by CPS on your way out.
Time to suck it up and move in with mom (or back in with mom).
That or get a full time job so you can get your own place. What exactly was the point of this gap year to begin with?
NTA
I would say get out asap. Because that is all they see you as.
NTA. You’re not their babysitter. You didn’t give birth to a baby. Not your problem.
Move out as soon as possible
Tell her she the one who opened her legs and had a baby it is her responsibility to look after her child and from now on ant time you do charge them £30 per hour up front and if there’s a balance due then you will do nothing to help until it’s paid you are not their live in nanny and it’s not your responsibility to do anything for that child it’s theirs
You need to move.
NTA, when you wake up and realize you have been left with the baby without notice, call the child services and make a complaint. Let your parents have to answer questions. You could take the kid somewhere and not leave a note or anything and wait until they freak out. Take the kid to grandma’s house and drop them off? You could move out and solve all this mess without any more fights. The best thing would be to give them a choice, they stop dumping the kid on you or you will move out, even if it means couch surfing or homeless shelters, maybe even shacking up with some guy. Once they hear the alternatives at your disposal they might start at least asking. A few panic attacks when they have no idea where you or the kid is might be enough to realize you do have options.
The leaving without telling you is dangerous. I’d tell them that in a serious conversation. Tell them you had plans and could have left not realizing that you were home alone with the baby. And that you don’t mind babysitting but not all the time and you have to know in advance it isn’t fair and it is making you irresponsible because you are having to leave early and back out of things and that isn’t fair to your time or the people you have plans with.
You are living there free so I can understand helping out but there needs to be boundaries in place for you and for the safety of the child.
adult and rent-free – some baby sitting, but not 24/7
They decided to have a baby. Their responsibility not yours. Get out ASAP.
Move out
They are mad because you are putting down boundaries. They are losing their free sitter. Don’t make empty threats. start looking for other accommodations now, and don’t wait to see if they keep pushing because they will. If you find something next week, then move. Make sure you have all important papers, mementos, or anything you don’t want thrown away( i had a spiteful mom, learned the hard way) also, don’t give them warning so they get a chance to gaslight you or sabotage your arrangements. If you have a lot to move, have help and move all at once.
Why does your step mom not want to be a parent ? Like your dad should be concerned about where she’s going. If she’s working you could come to an agreement and have a set schedule – but this taking off stuff . She sounds like a truly shitty parent.
NTA – Step mom shouldn’t have had a baby if she wasn’t willing to be entirely responsible for it. You’re not obligated to be supportive at all.
Stay at a friend’s house overnight. Inform your dad that you are just too tired to drive home. See if she leaves the baby with him.
You have to get out of there. Is there anywhere else you can stay?
NTA
Tell them both you are NOT their nanny and the next time they abandon the baby by leaving the house without even asking you to provide childcare, you will call CPS. And move out as soon as you can. They’re going to use you as slave labour for as long as you’re there.
Next time she leaves, call the cops for an abandoned child. You have no clue when she left or where she went.
Call the cops about child abandonment. But only if you want to be kicked out.
NTA
Is it ok for you to have anyone over, at any time day or night? Is it ok for you to redecorate or rearrange the house? Or do you have rules? It’s a respect issue and they aren’t respecting you.
Time to move out. Or pay rent in exchange for no baby duties. Don’t leave your activities to babysit regardless. That’s over the top. If you want to stay, get a written agreement that there will be no more of that or leaving the kid with you without asking or knowledge. Make a log whenever you watch the kid and what were the circumstances. I’d let them know that if MIL keeps dumping the kid no notice, that CPS or your local equivalent may be called for child abandonment. Be prepared to do it and be prepared to be thrown out.
NTA
If you don’t want to babysit, move out. You’re not in school, they don’t owe you a free place to live, food, or clothes while you maybe work a part time job.
You either act like a member of the household, or you pay rent, or you move out. Those are your options. You’re a legal adult now, and they are still providing you with everything you need in life despite your age and not being in school.
She SHOULD be letting you know in advance and that needs to be a conversation. But they are also not required to fund your gap year. Babysitting every once in a while is a far better deal for you than having to pay rent and food and utilities and insurance and phone….
E S H in a way, but YTA for the entitled attitude wanting to be taken care of like a member of the family without acting like a member of the family.
NTA – just state you’ve taken on more hours for work and are unavailable. Even if with your friends.
They’re taking advantage of you. don’t let them