My wife and I have been together for about 2.5 years. Her family is very conservative and homophobic, and have been so for entirely too long imo when they have a gay daughter. This territory is nothing new to them. She came out to them when she was 18, (she is 31) she has an ex wife that she was married to for 8 years, and they have a son together. It’s truly shocking how close minded they still are to her lifestyle.
They’ve always been pretty cold toward me, when we were dating it was so obvious how differently her straight sisters in their straight relationships were treated. This has always bothered me, but they live about 3 hours away so I’m able to keep my distance and them out of my mind for the most part. My wife has accepted the way they are as just how it is, and she thinks it’s worth just letting things be – in order to keep any kind of relationship with them.
This dynamic has always bothered me, but things really came to a head last fall when one of her sisters got married. Her entire family was so involved with every part of the process, it was obviously such a big deal, and they were all super excited. At the wedding, my fiancée at the time was a bridesmaid/in the wedding party. I was sat with the rest of the family, who did not acknowledge me, talk to me, interact with me at all the entire time. They truly acted as if they had no idea who I was, meanwhile they are fawning over their straight daughter and her marriage while I’m sitting there knowing I’m planning to marry their gay daughter in the next few months. It made me really sad and angry. I drew a line. I told my fiancée at the time that the way they acted like I was a ghost was the last straw and that if they want to act like I don’t exist, they are also dead to me.
Fast forward to now, we are married (eloped thanks to the scariness of this administration). My wife informs me that her dad and her stepmom want to come visit in a couple of weeks. (They have never once visited us, and are coming bc my wife’s son will be on spring break). Apparently they are planning to stay with us too. I got upset and told my wife I don’t want them in my house. I hate being disrespected when I’ve done nothing but try my best to be a part of the family, and have just gotten rejected over and over again. I thought they would come around, but the dynamic was almost worse once we were engaged. I don’t know what to do. There’s no way my wife will tell them they can’t come and she’s never been willing to have a conversation with them about this. I just can’t imagine being forced to host them. AITAH?
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My wife and I have been together for about 2.5 years. Her family is very conservative and homophobic, and have been so for entirely too long imo when they have a gay daughter. This territory is nothing new to them. She came out to them when she was 18, (she is 31) she has an ex wife that she was married to for 8 years, and they have a son together. It’s truly shocking how close minded they still are to her lifestyle.
They’ve always been pretty cold toward me, when we were dating it was so obvious how differently her straight sisters in their straight relationships were treated. This has always bothered me, but they live about 3 hours away so I’m able to keep my distance and them out of my mind for the most part. My wife has accepted the way they are as just how it is, and she thinks it’s worth just letting things be – in order to keep any kind of relationship with them.
This dynamic has always bothered me, but things really came to a head last fall when one of her sisters got married. Her entire family was so involved with every part of the process, it was obviously such a big deal, and they were all super excited. At the wedding, my fiancée at the time was a bridesmaid/in the wedding party. I was sat with the rest of the family, who did not acknowledge me, talk to me, interact with me at all the entire time. They truly acted as if they had no idea who I was, meanwhile they are fawning over their straight daughter and her marriage while I’m sitting there knowing I’m planning to marry their gay daughter in the next few months. It made me really sad and angry. I drew a line. I told my fiancée at the time that the way they acted like I was a ghost was the last straw and that if they want to act like I don’t exist, they are also dead to me.
Fast forward to now, we are married (eloped thanks to the scariness of this administration). My wife informs me that her dad and her stepmom want to come visit in a couple of weeks. (They have never once visited us, and are coming bc my wife’s son will be on spring break). Apparently they are planning to stay with us too. I got upset and told my wife I don’t want them in my house. I hate being disrespected when I’ve done nothing but try my best to be a part of the family, and have just gotten rejected over and over again. I thought they would come around, but the dynamic was almost worse once we were engaged. I don’t know what to do. There’s no way my wife will tell them they can’t come and she’s never been willing to have a conversation with them about this. I just can’t imagine being forced to host them. AITAH?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole because I told my wife her family can’t stay with us when they visit. I might be an asshole for that because my wife disagrees and thinks I am going too far with my personal boundaries
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
If they are genuinely homophobic then id say no. But seeing as “Homophobic” has become a buzzword to describe anyone who even dares criticize the LGTBQ community and you don’t go into detail I’m inclined to say yes.
NTA. I can’t imagine anything worse that having people who ignore me and hate me purely for who I am, suddenly staying in my house.
I would recommend a proper sit down with your wife to set boundaries, and to know that she’s got your back. Stop it before it goes too far.
NTA. If they can’t respect both homeowners, they don’t get to visit said home.
NTA for not wanting them there, but you also don’t get to dictate the relationship she has with them, only with you. Offer some suggestions that will make you feel comfortable – you stay somewhere else, they stay somewhere else, etc.
NTA but not letting them stay with y’all isn’t gonna help their fond feelings towards you. Just sayin’
NAH. You don’t want to history, that’s fine. Your wife does want to host, that’s also fine. You need to come to some sort of agreement or compromise.
No. No they cant stay with you. What does the son think of all this? I think you have a wife problem more than an inlaw problem. Why does she let them treat you this way?
NTA
But if your wife caters to bigots more than you, it may be time think things over see a relationship therapist, or even end things.
INFO
How many days are we talking about here? A weekend? A week? 2 weeks?
I wouldn’t want to walk on eggshells around my own home. I think you’re in the right- would you want to be a ghost in your own home or be accused of ‘shoving your lifestyle in their faces’ throughout the entire trip and probably have the entire story twisted when they complain about it to others.
I’d be worried about my safety too- they’re cold shouldering you right now but who’s not to stay they won’t be actively malicious, either through sabotage (you’re not allergic to anything, are you?) or harming you through other means.
NTA. It’s YOUR home. You have every right to say who can and can not stay in your home and invade your peace and safety. But you 100% have a spouse problem. She needs to step up and have a very frank conversation with her parents regarding respectful behavior towards you.
NTA. You shouldn’t be forced to host someone who is that disrespectful to you
NTA
But it sounds like you and your wife have a serious issue to work out.
NTA.
So they treat you like you don’t exist and then want to stay in your house. No way would I have them, if she won’t tell them then you should.
NTA
Overnight house guests require both of your consent.
I’d personally never allow someone in my home who treated my wife like shit.
What’s her plan?
NTA. They treat you terribly and, understandably, are not welcome in your home. Your wife needs to step up to the plate and set some boundaries with her family. Her not doing so is a red flag.
Then you tell them they are not welcomed in your home, and act surprised they would even want to stay, then provide them with a list of hotels.
You have a wife problem.
If she isn’t willing to put her foot down and invites her disrespectful family into your home, I’d make it a point to be absent when they show up, and make marriage counseling a condition of your return.
It’s never okay to ignore your spouse’s feelings and disregard their concerns. Especially concerning your family of origin.
Nta. Let your wife know you will tell them that they need a hotel room. They can come to visit the child while you work but must be gone by the time you get home. Its either that or you spend a week in a hotel living a life of luxury, taking at hit to the shared bank account.
Nta and i am sad your wife allows this treatment. If you don’t respect my partner/marriage and family you don’t deserve access to my life. Nor would I host anyone that is hostile towards my lifestyle
NTAH – your wife is silly coz you are basically trying to protect the group of you having a fall out… try and explain it’s for the best and you have her interests at heart x
NTA
I suggest you have them stay elsewhere (if your wife wants to pay for it, that’s a discussion point), and have your wife and step-son visit with them outside your home.