Hello, everyone. I just want to ask for your opinion.
My wife and I have been together for 15 years. I have a son from my ex-girlfriend — although he’s not my biological or legal child, he is the son of my ex from another man but I treat him as my own as I have grown close with him. Since my ex and I have remained close, we co-parent him, he live with us every vacation and every weekend
My wife and him don’t fight or have any major problems. She’s nice to him, but they’re not very close. I get the feeling that she doesn’t really want to form a deeper relationship with him, although she’s not unkind or disrespectful.
Both my wife and I work, and we split the household expenses. Since I earn more, I usually cover the larger share, which I’m okay with because I believe it’s my responsibility as the man of the house. We have a system where we divide the bills and save together, but whatever’s left from our individual salaries, we keep for ourselves. We don’t interfere with each other’s personal savings.
Now, here’s where I’m unsure. My wife is planning to buy a property using her own savings and wants it to be under our children’s names only — not under our names as a couple. Her reason is that, in case we separate in the future, the property won’t be part of any division. She said this because I once mentioned that I plan to give part of my inheritance to my son(son of my ex) as I consider him my own son too.
From her perspective, he isn’t her son, so she feels uncomfortable with the idea that something she worked hard for might end up benefiting someone else’s child. To be fair, she did say that if I want to give my son (son of my ex) something, she’s fine with it as long as it comes from my personal money — not from our joint savings or shared property.
I’m not sure how to feel about this. Do you think she’s being fair?
Comments
You’re saying he’s your adopted son but not your legal son? How does that work exactly?
I feel like there are a lot of details omitted.
Why do you have a separately adopted son? Was this after you already had children together or before that you adopted him? Why did you adopt him if you did after your children especially if your wife doesn’t agree with it? Why is it wrong for wanting security for herself and her children when it sounds like you are both planning for divorce?
I don’t know. Did you adopt a son so he could inherit your business instead of a daughter?
Like I said… you’ve omitted way too many details.
Edit: this comment was before OP fixed his post yall.
Is he legally your adopted son? You seem to say he is and isn’t. If he isn’t then you need to fix that. How old is this son? How many kids do y’all have? There is a lot more info needed, but in a nutshell I don’t think it’s fair. She knew you had him at the start?
Absolutely she is. All legal considerations aside, she wants to benefit her children, as you do yours. It’s completely understandable and reasonable, and shouldn’t be something either of you feel slighted by
I dont know which way this post gonna go but I don’t see anything wrong with your wife’s rationale.
Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with what she is doing. She has no obligations to a child that’s not hers. Honestly, YOU have no obligations to a child that’s not’s biologically or legally yours but you chose to parent your son and you are free to choose that for yourself. And she is free to not choose that for herself.
I’m assuming you and your wife have kids together and she is leaving the property them? She sounds like she is future proofing your shared kids inheritance incase you two split which is smart imo.
Im siding with the wife here
I’m not sure if minors can own property.
Also what happens if they get mad at you and kick you out?
How do you sell it in the future?
You’re probably better off putting the house in a trust and then you can set up the language on how to divide it upon your deaths.
Your wife is not doing anything wrong
Planning for the possibility of a divorce and restructuring assets to protect in the event of that actuality. What really needs to happen is a discussion as to why your wife feels those plans are necessary.
That would be deeply concerning to me. If my partner came to me and said he wanted to do something “in case we get divorced or separated“ that would be a huge flag that something is very wrong.
You guys keep your own money seperate, and it sounds like she is looking to make a large purchase with her own money, end of story.
Unfortunately I think this comes with the territory of having separate finances. The feelings that things are happening separately, that you feel should be happening jointly and benefiting both of you equally. If you shared finances this would be more of an open discussion.
I’m very young and have never been married or shared finances so I’m still forming my opinion on what makes the most sense for parents/couples who both work, but I feel that you two should be on the same team regardless, and she planning for a “just in case we break up” isn’t very team-oriented. Just my two ¢, take it or leave it
Children? Is there other kids? Yours together with her?
My mom had a large insurance policy for decades that was meant for her children. It went to her 4th husband, whom she stupidly trusted to split it up. It paid for his new wife’s new house. That considerable wealth will now pass to this woman’s children. Her children never saw any of it. Let your wife have the security of passing something on to her kids.
Your wife’s children don’t get anything from your ex, and your exes children don’t get anything from your wife.
All of your children, adopted or not, should split the inheritance from you.
Everybody should just inherit their own kids. Otherwise your adopted son would inherit all three of you, but the rest of the kids would only inherit two of you.
Lots of legal issues here. If she gives it to him, y’all have to pay gift taxes. If it stays in your names or her name, she can’t will it to him in most states. Community property laws prevent that. You would have to sign off in the will.
i think your wife is being fair and logical. i can’t see where the complaint would be, especially if she’s kind and respectful to your pseudo-adopted son. my ex has a wife, and i have zero expectation she leave anything to my kids when she dies or provide any resources for them now. the thought never even occurred to me until i wrote this.
She’s being totally fair and actually very responsible for you all. You’re not married and could theoretically bail on a whim so she’d be a fool to passively allow you to fuck her over and place a claim on her own purchased property.
Now you’re not financially entangling property so you’re free to stay together or free to go your own way.
But she’s doing the wise and honorable thing leaving your name off it. No reason for you to be upset.
I have made some changes o
With my text I hope this clarifies everything
Her buying property “in case we separate” is not normal. Her wanting to prioritize her biological children is one thing. Excluding you from it is another.
That’s not normal. That isn’t about the boy. That’s about you OP.
Where is the money for this property coming from? You should look into the property laws where you live because in my state that property would legally belong to you too if she buys it with money she earned while you guys were together, because her salary (and yours) belongs to both of you and is community property. Just a thought.
Putting that aside, assuming it is just her money, I think I’d be disappointed she didn’t see my son as hers, but I think it’s reasonable for her to want the property to go to her own kids rather than someone who isn’t her kid. She didn’t adopt him or anything
I completely agree with her
Why should she give a piece of this property to another woman’s child when the only reason he is even in her life is because the other woman is nice enough to let you play dad
You have no legal right or connection to this child, she could stop you seeing him anytime she wants
Your wife is smart to make sure only her kids benefit from this
Honestly your lucky your wife lets you play dad to this kid in the first place, and honestly the only reason his mother lets you is it’s free childcare etc
I think you are awesome for caring for your “adopted” son and wanting to leave him something in your will. However I can also see your wife’s view on this. You have been with your wife for 15 years. If you want to leave your son something, you can purchase a life insurance policy and name him as the beneficiary. Let all property and other assets stay in the family.
Wife owes Ir Son Nothing . So Glad you Stepped for your Son but legally , She owes him squat.
Your wife is being more than fair. I don’t really get the dynamic with your ex and her child. I get that if you lived with them for a while you had a relationship with her kid but you owe him nothing. This remind me of the US Office episode where Michael is thinking about getting back with Jan who is having someone else’s kid. It’s weird.
Since she is also contributing to the house, you need to respect her wishes on where it goes. You both need to agree to this. You may treat the boy like family but he’s not family. At least not to your wife. And both legally and biologically he’s not yours so he has no real claim to any of your assets.
Follow your wife’s steps, leave something else to the boy. Start a fund or leave him your car or something.
I think it’s completely reasonable what she plans on doing
I agree with her 100%
Wait a couple of weeks and post this again but with the genders reversed.
Things are always good when they’re good but when they go bad…
I guarantee her lawyer will be going through everything in your name. But her assets are hidden in the kids’ names.
Pay for a consultation with a divorce lawyer. Not to get divorced obviously, but he’ll tell you exactly what this is with more authority than some mook on reddit.
Your wife is being perfectly logical. Your son isn’t biologically yours, which normally wouldn’t be a problem, but he’s also not legally adopted by you and you have no rights whatsoever with the child. If your ex one day decides to cut contact and take her son away she would have every legal right to do so. I can understand why current wife wants to leave an inheritance just for her children with the money she saved.
Yes she is being fair. She doesn’t have any obligations to your child. Only you and your ex girlfriend do.
What your wife wants to do seems fair to me. Regardless of the relationship you have with your ex’s son, he is not your biological child, nor have you legally adopted him. If your wife doesn’t want her property to go to him that’s her business, given that you both manage your own savings. Expecting her to potentially leave property to someone she has made a point not to form a close relationship with is unreasonable, imo.
With 2nd families this is common.
I’m divorced and am shortly to share a home with my new partner and we each have a child from our previous marriage.
I expect we’ll get married eventually but we have very different amounts of equity in our homes (I have a lot more than him) and we’ve already agreed that the assets we arrive with is allocated in our wills to our own children in full, and anything we then build together is shared 50/50.
My husband’s parents split up when he was 3 and his dad has been with his stepmom for 37 years.
We were talking about their plans and his stepmom is going to give their shared house to her daughter and she has other assets to give to her son. My FIL has separate assets he’s going to give to my husband. They’ve divided things separately for their own children. My step-MIL was smarter in this cuz her kids are getting significantly more valuable stuff, but they also need it more cuz my husband and I are much more financially secure so I’m sure that played a part.
You should really talk to an estate attorney to get your will and trusts created. My dad died when I was 25, he had just done his only 1 week prior and thank goodness he did.
You can ask in your town’s local Facebook group for recommendations on estate attorneys, you’ll see the same names crop up over and over. Go there. It costs about $2-3k, which is a lot, but this is sooooo important and so complicated. Especially in your scenario. You really need to get it done.
She’s absolutely right! If you want to take on a responsibility that isn’t yours and raise someone else’s child, that’s fine—there’s nothing wrong with that! But you can’t expect her to feel the same way. This is her way of protecting herself and her own children in case of death or divorce. It’s a good thing she thought of that.
Yeah, she’s being fair. There’s no reason for her to leave property to someone she’s not related to.
You’re about to find out you’re getting divorced.
That ain’t your son bro, your wife is right.
She’s being perfectly fair and reasonable. She isn’t saying you can’t provide (and be there) for this kid but she won’t be
Your wife is right. She’s looking out for HER children, you’re focusing on another woman’s child with another man that you got close to.
Also, you don’t touch each other’s savings. She’s using her personal money to care for her children and make sure they’re ok in the future. This is a nice, selfless loving thing to do as a parent.
Be careful your kids don’t see your favoritism for the child that isn’t even yours.
If she is buying the property without using any money of yours she can do whatever she wants. Its different if she is using shared money or if you help her pay for it, you should then also get a say in who it will be left to.
From the way you’ve written the post its atleast clear to me you wont be helping her pay for the house so you have no say in which name the house will be. Would be weird if you have a say in this while not helping her pay, it would be even weirder if you are helping her pay for it and she says you dont have a say. If that is whats happening I would reconsider buying a house together or even helping her pay for it
Never trust a man. They will replace you the second you’re gone.
Extremely fair, smart, practical, and foresight of your wife. This is how it should be.
Infact you should be offering to contribute to that for Your biological and legal children.
Your wife is one of the smartest woman to forsee this!
I think when you’re married, god forbid you end up dying everything should go to your spouse unless you’re so ridiculously wealthy that your spouse will not be affected by it being distributed to your kids. She is the person you are choosing to wake up next to every day for the rest of your life. Your children are definitely a priority but if you raise them well enough they will be capable of making enough money to be comfortable. Had you not mentioned that you will be leaving money to your son she may have never ever considered keeping the new property being separate. The other part I feel makes it ok is you have an agreement that your savings is separate and you can do with it what you choose to. As long as you don’t have to pay anything towards the investment and as long as she doesn’t try to pay less of your mutual expenses, I don’t see an issue with it. Your children with her only have the two of you that they might inherit from, your son has his mother and you to inherit from so if your current wife adds to that then your son will potentially inherit far more than your mutual biological children. If you both sincerely love each other she isnt doing this out of malice. You made a clear agreement and you shouldn’t have an opinion about what she does with her separate savings. Don’t let something like this taint the love you have for her and you didn’t mention her having an opinion about what you do with your savings. I can’t even begin to imagine how deep the connection is when a woman grows and gives life to a child inside her body, but I would guess 100% of women could never love another child the exact same way are the ones she gave birth to. I think some women could give 99.9% equivalent love, but there will always be that extra bond with her biological children. How could she not?
Edit: I stand corrected, your son will potentially inherit from his biological mother and father plus whatever you leave him. He will potentially have more money than your other children. Your child with your wife will inherit from two, so there is no reason IMO that your son should inherit from 4 people and your other children only from two.
I’m in a very lucrative career and my fiance is from a wealthy family. We both agreed that we will bequeath property and most of our money directly to our future children and not each other.
Your wife is making the right decision. The fact that you haven’t legally adopted your supposed son tells me everything I need to know.
She is well within her right to pass property to her children.
She has no obligation to provide for your friend’s child, as this is not something you can expect anyone to do. This child is not a stepchild.
How did you write all that out and think someone might be on your side…
I don’t see an issue with it. My sister’s ex-husband withdrew her entire life savings and left her with five kids to take care of and zero dollars to do it with. I understand the need to protect the assets set aside for her children
In light of this new information it’s in your best interest to decide how you divide money after your death between benefactors. Not sure where you’re from, but if wills mean anything, set one up so that it ensures the safety of both the children you share with your wife and your stepson. I personally feel that your share should be split unevenly to enshure that your stepson gets a decent amount to provide him some love and security at the vulnerable time of your passing.
If wills don’t mean anything, you should probably speak with financial advisors who would be better able to advise you on others ways in ensuring safety net for your stepson once you’re gone.
And don’t leave it till its too late. People tend to not like to think about it but we are not invincible, anything could happen, even tomorrow.
She is being fair. Your son doesn’t and shouldn’t need anything from her inheritance because he has you and your ex. Issues between step relatives can always go two ways. Many step parents have screwed over their step kids and vice versa. Your son has the benefit already of having three parental figures in his life, which your wife’s children don’t.
But this is a great time to legally adopt your son so he can get benefits from you after you pass.
Yea, you’re being a jerk
Your wife is 100% in the right
I don’t think she’s terribly out of line here. I understand that it stings to know that she’s making a provision that implies you are untrustworthy. It’s reasonable to feel hurt by that. Try to keep in mind that your wife likely recognizes that inheritance disputes can turn nasty very quickly. She’s making provisions to be 100% certain that her children have something when she dies. It’s not really about you or your semi-adopted child. My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage and I’ve raised her as my own, my will reflects an equal division so that if anything were to happen one of my kids will not have the power to strip the other of her share of the assets their father and I have built up together. Both of them would have a claim to making things unequal on account of their relations. Without very clear structure things fall apart. Probate gets messy and expensive. Your intent to leave something to someone outside the legal family means that the inheritance could be more complicated if it’s not air tight. I don’t think this is meant to harm you or alienate the other child.
OP your real issue should be your wife bringing an asset into your marriage that doesn’t have your name on it. Period.
It sounds like you are experiencing “buyers remorse” while asking if the sale was “fair”.
From your description, your wife is being consistant with your agreement, her stated values, and her overall approach. So, she is being forthright (open, honest) and honorable (consistent and keeping to her word.)
It seems that you may have been unfair to yourself (either through self or other deceipt) in agreeing to something that doesn’t actually align to your values. Perhaps you want your wife to treat this son the same way you would? And now, faced with the reality, it pains you?
If you are a going to honor your agreement, then you would have to acknowledge that this is a “you” problem, and that you should struggle with your emotions and values, and work to live a life that is more in line so you don’t harm yourself in the future (or at least more fully accept those harms).
A solution that is in line with your agreement (as you’ve related it to us) and is a matter of self control (rather than going down a path of trying to manipulate or coerce your wife) would be to use your savings to buy a property for your son and keep it only in his name so that, he too, has a similar security as your other children.
I don’t see anything wrong with what she is doing. She’s being very rational and it all makes sense. I don’t see how you are even questioning this, she wants to leave a property to the children you have to together. Where’s the downside to that?
She is being downright gracious! She is honoring your love for this boy by including him in your family, but asking her to leave your ex-girlfriend’s child by another man in her estate? I can see why she thinks separating from you is a possibility.
Your wife didn’t choose or make you keep this other child in your life. I think it’s great that you love and care for a child that’s biologically not yours but you chose that. After a death or separation things can get ugly when property or money is shared and your wife is thinking ahead.
Honestly I think that what she is doing is totally reasonable.
Smart woman. And judging by your question, there’s definitely a reason she’s being so smart.
She’s acting within your agreement. You can feel any way you want about it but she’s not doing anything wrong. You can do the same thing for your son if you want.
If it’s her money that you’ve both agreed she can do whatever she wants with, it’s fair. How you feel about it is yours to work through however necessary but logically it’s fair.