A month ago, I (26F) decided to get on Tinder to meet new people. I was tired of feeling lonely and unable to create new connections. I matched with quite a few people, but most either didn’t start the conversation or never replied and showed zero interest. It was already kind of weird, but then yesterday, one girl actually showed real interest—she started the conversation herself, which made me really happy.
The next day, she told me she was going swimming at the lake with some friends, and I did something I’ve never done before: I asked if I could come along. We had exchanged maybe six messages at that point. She said yes, so I went.
Here’s some context: 1) I’ve never been on a date before, 2) I have social anxiety, 3) I really struggle to talk to people, and 4) I hate my body—I have huge insecurities. And yet, there I was, meeting a total stranger for a first date… in a bikini at a lake. I have no idea how I managed to go through with it, but somehow I did. I pushed through every single fear I had overnight.
Unfortunately, it was all a bit too much. She was super nice, sweet, and generous—she even paid for my expensive Uber when I missed my train. And when we met, she was lovely but very physically affectionate, which made me uncomfortable, even though I didn’t show it. On top of that, she opened up about very personal things, especially about her mental health and life situation, which left me feeling uneasy—it just didn’t feel right for me.
She told me she liked me, said I was her type (she mentioned Moroccan specifically), which also made me feel a bit off—I’m not even sure why. It was the first time someone ever showed that much interest in me, and while she was amazing, I felt absolutely nothing—neither physical nor emotional attraction.
Now I feel incredibly guilty. We won’t see each other again, and I’m scared that I’m only attracted to people who don’t show interest in me, or maybe I sabotaged things out of fear of it going further. I really don’t know what to think. Has anyone ever experienced something similar?
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I wouldn’t say there’s anything wrong with you. Personally I think that behaviour and the things she spoke about were a bit forward for someone she’s meeting for the first time – it would put me off too. She could have been nervous and it manifested as trying a bit too hard, or that could just be her personality. Either way, if it’s not a match for you, don’t feel guilty. You didn’t do anything wrong and you will meet so many different types of people – you don’t have to be attracted to the very first one! And the next person she meets might love her forwardness and willingness to be that open so quickly. Take time to find what you like, and best of luck to you!
Dating comes with so many feelings for everyone. It can be really easy to form ideas like “this means I’m broken in this way” but those ideas are usually overly simplistic. The best thing I can say is when the feelings become overwhelming or paralyzing just take a break and recenter by doing things that make you feel like yourself, and think about trying again later.
You’re looking at this wrong.
Lets recap.
You put yourself out there to meet new connections.
You realized your self worth and the ones who didn’t start a conversation or showed interest, you moved on from. Good for you!
You talked to someone and had a bit of a connection.
You absolutely, massively put yourself out of your comfort zone and went out on a swimming date with someone you didn’t know. That is a great, big, massive CONGRATULATIONS HOLY SHIT GO YOU!
You realized you felt no physical or emotional attraction and have already decided you won’t meet again. Which again means you get a big ol’ GO YOU!
For the record. I’d feel uncomfortable too if someone paid for an expensive uber back for me. I’d also might feel uneasy if someone, on a first date after six messages, opened up about incredibly personal things. I’d also feel very uncomfortable if someone used my nationality/race as ‘their type’ because that could make you feel more like a fetish.
Now obviously I don’t know you. I don’t know anything beyond this post but I’ll try and say this.
>I’m scared that I’m only attracted to people who don’t show interest in me
It’s okay to go on a date and realize there’s nothing there. That does not mean you are only attracted to ones who don’t show interest in you.
>maybe I sabotaged things out of fear of it going further.
Trust your gut. You felt off. You felt uneasy. That is not you sabotaging things. That is you making sure you’re safe.
You went out on a date and REALLY put yourself out there. Realized it wasn’t your thing. Have decided to not pursue it and end it.
That is an incredibly adult thing to do for someone who has never been on a date before. Seriously. You should be celebrating all of this. Feeling guilt for that is normal, it means you have empathy. Something a lot of people seem to lack. Everything else is normal. You reacted fine based on the weird things that happened.
GO YOU LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE!
I wouldn’t recommend basing assumptions of your entire personality on one date that you didn’t like.
In my opinion it was the anxiety. I know from experience that makes it impossible to enjoy anything. Your body is just fighting to stat afloat it doesnt have time to enjoy things.
You just have to keep on doing it and putting youself out there. Its hard af when your body is rebelling. Ssris can help
I’ve recently experienced this!
I went on my first ever date recently. We talked for a few weeks over text, then finally met this past weekend. I didn’t feel that connection. Let them know, and they took it well, end of.
But… for days, I’ve felt so guilty for not liking them. Embarrassingly, I’ve even cried over it. I just felt awful for not liking him romantically.
Its also sad to be getting to know someone, to talk daily, and then… nothing. To just cut that person off. To miss that connection in a selfish way.
……
I think…. It’s probably that we haven’t had much experience with this. With rejecting someone. Losing that connection, etc. It’s hard when they’re a nice person.
Its easier when it’s just a random stranger or when they’ve got a hundred red flags.
She wasn’t the right person, maybe the next one will be.
dude as someone with bad bad social anxiety and body image (or general image) insecurities i am SO PROUD OF YOU
you took a really big step outside your comfort zone, that can be really hard especially if you’re not used to it. you didn’t click with the girl, that’s ok! your not going to click with everyone, that’s the whole point of dating. but you proved to yourself that you CAN do it and that it’s not the end of the world even if it doesn’t go the way you wanted it to. keep trying, you’ll meet more people and eventually you’ll find people you click with, romantically or platonically. there are a lot of people in this world! you’re not gonna love all or even most of them.
I don’t know you but wow I am so proud of you for going out of your comfort zone like that. You got this. You’re living and experiencing life 🙂
Yess I have experienced this too… And it’s really confusing tho I was literally not into this nice guy… But I was into his friend who didn’t even like me, who was a literal walking red flag 😭😭
Literally the whole point of dating is to find out if you like the person