My friend is currently in the arduous process of leaving her abusive husband. Tragically both her parents committed suicide when she was a toddler, leading to a life of neglect and abuse. Then her young cousin also committed suicide only a few years ago. It is something that is incredibly triggering to my friend, and of course her husband knows this, hell in the past he has even essentially mocked her for her parents’ deaths.
She is making the moves to leave him secretly but has naturally pulled away slightly during this. We’re not sure if he can’t tell what’s happening exactly but he’s now more than once hinted that if she ever leaves he’ll kill himself. He’s also recently told her that his ex tried to ruin his business and if she’d succeeded he’d have killed himself. And now unrelated to what my friend is doing, it looks like he might lose his business anyway, and his mental health is becoming extremely erratic, first manic, then sobbing desperately tonher.
I think this development has really scared my friend into not leaving, her biggest fear right now is if she leaves then it will be her fault if he does harm himself, and I wouldn’t put it past him to do it knowingly for that effect.
Has anyone dealt with this before? Or helped someone else through this? I want to support my friend as much as I can here
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It’s going to be tougher given what she’s already gone through and sounds like he’s aware of it and exploiting that, but you have to reassure her that 1. In most cases this is just manipulation, they have no intention of actually going through with something like that. and 2. On the chance that he does harm himself, it’s not going to be her fault at all.
Like if he is going through a big mental health struggle, even if she stays he could decide to harm himself anyways. And if he isn’t but she stays, that just leaves the door open for him to pull this again if she decides to leave in the future.
Now, depending on what resources you have available, do think you could call any kind of authority to check on him? Might be a bit more serious to do, but I’ve had to do this twice (to help friends) and both times the guys had no alternative other than admit they were Not being serious about harming themselves.
> he’s now more than once hinted that if she ever leaves he’ll kill himself.
Calling the police for a welfare check can curb this behavior if it’s just for manipulation, and get much-needed aid for him if it’s serious. Abuse thrives in private. Bring other people in on it, authority figures especially. She doesn’t need to take this on all by herself.
She should leave. Period.
I’m not saying immediately but atleast have a plan in motion. Unfortunately, I have heard too many stories of men being suicidal but also eventually displaying homicidal ideations.
I don’t think it worth it to prioritize his mental health when she should be concerned about hers..
We just helped a friend out of a relationship. I didnt fully agree with the way we did it, because I hate lying, but she felt safer this way.
She got a new apartment and there was a weekend where he was out of town so we helped her move out so there was no drama interferring and she was safe. Not fair, but it is what it is. He was drinking every weekend and got abusive. Nothing physical, but the psychological shit was enough.
About the guilt tripping…. If they want to guilt trip with suicide then thats on them. You cant stop people and its extremely abusive of him to use that when there are real people who are suicidal.
She has to accept that he is a grown adult and kf he wants to do it then he can do it. But that is not her problem.
She should leave before he turns it into a murder/suicide
I have been suicidal after long relationships ended—specifically after my dad died and then, about a year later, a relationship of 5 years ended 2 weeks before we were supposed to move to a new city together. She said she still wasn’t sure I was the one for her, but she was worried that if we moved together, she’d never leave because it’d be the path of least resistance. Anyways, as it turns out, exiting the stage was trickier than I anticipated.
So, having been in that, I want to be clear: My ex made the right call, and if she had even considered getting back with me after she found out I attempted, I would’ve attempted again out of sheer shame. In these situations you have to do what’s right for yourself. Here’s the harsh truth: Your friend’s attitude needs to be as close as possible to that meme from Rocky II: “If he dies, he dies.” If she wants to be nice, she can encourage him to connect with mental-health services or tell his family members her concerns. But what she absolutely cannot do is sacrifice her life and stay with someone she just doesn’t love anymore because she feels like he needs a reason to live.
Check out thehotline.org for guidance, as well as info on making an exit plan.