So my mom and I have a close relationship. The topic of sex came up. My mom asked me if I give oral with a condom on and I said honestly no. She closed her room door and she told me that if I haven’t been with a man for a while I shouldn’t give oral. She says that she doesn’t want me to catch a disease in my mouth. She then says that when I wear a condom during PIV I’m protected. When I engage in that I’m not. I felt embarrassed atp and I walked out her room crying.
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I used to work in reproductive healthcare.
Hardly anyone ever uses a condom for oral sex- male or female. Should you in an ideal world? Yes. Can you get STIs from it or even give someone something, like herpes? Yes. Should you feel embarrassed? Absolutely not! You are okay. Everything is okay.
The really great thing about boundaries is that you can change yours whenever you want. If you would prefer new partners wear condoms, you can ask for that now. If you don’t, then that’s your boundary to choose too. I think the most important thing is to be honest with your partner about what your practices are. You can’t guarantee your partners are honest with you though, unfortunately, but still have the conversation with partners.
Editing: I think my original point didn’t quite come across so I’m editing my comment to rectify that. From the population group I working with, it was very rare for people to tell me they were using condoms during oral sex. I brought this is up specifically because I wanted to highlight to OP that this isn’t to be ashamed of or a piece of information everyone else has but they were missing. Safe sex is always the best practice and that includes oral sex, too.
Of course, whether or not to use a condom is up to you. But your mom is right: you can get HPV, gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, chlamydia, etc in your throat. HPV infections in the throat can cause throat cancer. (I hope you have had an HPV vaccine.)
Your mom is surprisingly well-informed and she is trying to help you make healthy choices and protect yourself against infections. What you do with this information is your choice, but: why did you cry?
Your past experience and boundaries are nothing to be embarrassed about. Ideally in casual encounters and new partners, everyone uses protection for all mucous membranes, but that’s not real life and most people don’t. That said, you are definitely at a higher risk for oral STDs by engaging in unprotected oral sex. Almost every disease you can contract from genital sex, you can contract orally and throat gonorrhea is not a fun time
So I work in a clinical laboratory and there are definitely some STIs that can be passed via oral sex, but it’s not something that we tend to see all that often. Gonorrhea and chlamydia can be transferred this way but are (typically) able to be treated with a round of antibiotics.
The real dangers are HSV and HIV; the former is much easier to contract via oral sex but has less “severe” symptoms, and the latter is only very rarely transmitted that way.
Generally speaking, oral sex is a less risky than penetrative sex when it comes to stuff like this, but use common sense- any open sores / wounds, red bumps, or strange odors should be a red flag.
Personally, I don’t use protection when performing oral sex and don’t know many people who do, but I’m also very selective with my partners and we tend to have open, honest conversations about past encounters before engaging physically.
Good mom! She’s right!
It’s nice that you and your mother has a close relationship and able to discuss this freely without judgement. Your safety is important and it definitely shows how much she cares. Both parties should provide results of clean bill of health before engaging in any sexual encounters, casual or otherwise
Your mom’s pretty cool. I know you got embarrassed, but she was definitely giving you a heads up in the kindest, least judgmental way.
They make flavored condoms to make it more fun.
I can’t imagine having that kind of conversation with my mom. I remember she told me not to tell my grandma when I moved in with my partner because she’d be shocked. Hah. Grandma was all for it and said she wished living together had been acceptable when she was my age.
So … maybe in a day or two you can approach your mom and let her know you appreciate her openness, but maybe not so open? I don’t know. Just … keep that closeness going because what you have is very special even though it doesn’t feel like that now. I bet your mom worries she upset you. I’m envious of you, really.
And I am so far from my dating years that I have no good advice to give you. I’m sorry. I dated back before HIV was a thing & the most we worried about was herpes. I know some STDs can be transmitted orally, so your mom gave you good advice.
Your mum told you because she loves you, not because she’s trying to embarrass you.
Be safe, lovely.
When in my 20’s, I would when officially dating somebody. In my 30s, I used to have a 6-month timeline for unprotected oral sex with men (higher risk male-to-female transmission of most orally transmitted STIs) – I’d have protected sex but put off the risks associated with unprotected oral sex. Now I wouldn’t have oral sex with a man I didn’t feel like I was having a pretty serious relationship with, just because not feeling like it’s worth the risk.
I work at a hospital, and the surgeons who treat head and neck cancer have told me that almost all the oral cancers they treat that are not related to smoking/chewing are HPV related. Like we are cutting chunks of tongues out, parts of jaws, removing lymph nodes along the side of the neck when it spreads, and worse. I had a friend in his early 20s who was still a virgin, lose part of his tongue from performing oral sex on his partner, who had gotten HPV from a previous relationship. That shit can be brutal.
I’m sorry that it didn’t come across well from your mom, it sounds like she was looking out for you, but who wants to feel parented once they are grown up? Regardless, there’s not a test/symptoms for men to know if they have a cancer-causing strain of HPV, and condoms don’t totally prevent the spread.. so what you can do to mitigate it is use condoms, get the vaccine, get regular pap smears, and have a good dentist who is really checking out your mouth/tongue every 6 months (pap smears help catch cervical cancer early when it’s very treatable, but HPV orally often has way too much time to grow before it’s recognized.), and decide your own risk levels..
You have a cool mom. Few moms are that involved and concerned and while it may feel embarrassing it’s grand that she’s sex positive while still being concerned with your health.
I’m lucky enough to have a similar mother. One who’d sit me down and calmly explain how to have safe and protected sex, to reveal to me that toys exist for certain things after probably knowing somehow I had reached that phase in my life. To never disapprove of me being sexual but guiding in ways that I’d not get hurt or end up sick or harmed when being sexual with someone else or by myself.
I can’t count the number of times I felt embarrassed as a young person because she’d make me sit down to talk about such topics, but today I’m so glad she did!
Personally I don’t give head on hookups, that’s more of an intimate thing for me. I also don’t like receiving head so that also contributes.
Definitely sucks she worded it in a way that made you feel the way you did. But I am glad to know you have a concrete relationship with her. None the less, she is right telling you to protect yourself. You’re free to sleep with whomever you want whenever you want. But number 1 rule should always be to protect yourself.
This is why most people don’t share the details of their sex lives with their mothers.
I’m incredibly close with my mom and basically tell her about all of my sexcapades. I know I’m in the minority and it’s an uncomfortable topic for most people though, but she is just looking out for you! She’s right that condoms help to prevent STDs both orally and for intercourse.
I do give head to hookups and I don’t use condoms with them for oral or intercourse—but that’s also because I make them get tested beforehand. It’s ultimately up to you what you want to do, as long as safety is key 🙂