TL;DR: My partner’s mum made racially insensitive comments while drunk. He defended me, but she hasn’t apologized. I love him, but don’t feel accepted. How do I move forward?
I (25F, Sri Lankan background, raised in Australia) have been with my amazing partner (27M) for 8 months. We recently went on a weekend trip with his family, and everything was great—until the last night.
His mum, who drinks often, got drunk and started asking me racially uncomfortable questions in front of his nan. She asked if I’d ever move back to Sri Lanka. I said no. Then she said, “I’m afraid you’ll take [my son] with you one day if you get married or have kids.” When my partner entered the room, I joked about it and he said “Yeah, I’d go!” But she snapped and said, “No way. Absolutely not. Not happening.” She then said she had “doubts” and called my culture “dominating,” though couldn’t explain what she meant.
Earlier that same day, while sober, she told everyone that when a friend asked what my name was, she just said “Sri Lanka” and laughed, as if that summed me up. It felt dismissive and dehumanising in hindsight.
My partner defended me, confronted her later, and she apologized to him saying she was drunk, insecure, and doesn’t remember saying those things. But she hasn’t reached out to me at all—not even a check-in to ask how I’m doing.
The rest of his family was supportive and lovely, but I’m feeling really hurt and unsure how to move forward with her in the picture—especially if she doesn’t change or take accountability. My partner and I are serious and talk about marriage, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I’ll never fully belong in his family.
How to navigate long-term relationships when their partner’s parent(s) don’t fully accept or respect them—especially when race or culture is involved like in my situation? Has anyone been in a similar situation and made it work?
Comments
Hi. Been there many times. I’m a black woman living in the US and I’ve often experienced racism while dating especially with a white man. It’s really up to your partner to do the work to prepare the family and friends to ensure your safety and comfort. He should be defending you and shutting down any negative talk. If he’s not protecting you from his family then how likely will he be to protect you from strangers or other people and racist situations?
Be careful. This is a red flag and if you marry him, she may be derogatory towards you, your children and possibly your parents/siblings.
Either have a frank conversation or be ready to deal with any disrespect immediately.
You need to ask Reddit about this?
Don’t make plans unless you can accept all the people in your plans aren’t going to change. If they do, awesome, but they are ancillary.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m lucky I haven’t had to deal with reverse racism in my relationships but I have in other areas of life.
I’ve certainly had to deal with not being the ideal for my partner’s addict family but I did not care.
They can get recovered and then come talk to me. I don’t bob and weave for addicts. I’ve had too much therapy for that.
My parents had a group of friends who had been friends since college. All of us kids hung out and grew up with one another as a result. One was what their generation called a “salt and pepper” couple, which my little brother loved because they reminded him of the salt and pepper shakers from blues clues 😂. The wife was white and the husband was black.
They met in the 70s, when an interracial couple in America was still considered taboo. I never heard the details of their whole story, but I knew they had faced a number of trials and tribulations over the years due to the simple fact that their skin colors were different. Their children faced challenges being mixed race in a predominantly white neighborhood. But despite all of this, they were happy. Every couple in the circle got divorced, except for these two. They were the type to still dance in the kitchen on a Tuesday when they were in their 50s. A few years ago, the husband passed away. And it impacted our little circle more than any of the divorces did.
Like I said earlier, I didn’t know the gory details of their story, but I did know the wife’s parents disapproved of the relationship. They didn’t have any contact with them, but I remember being so confused why anyone wouldn’t want them together, when they seemed so perfect for one another.
Sometimes I wonder if the challenges they faced made them stronger. But despite it all, i was happy to have them in my childhood bubble of memories
If your spouse is willing to play hardball… then it’s possible.
UMMMM PLEASE LEAVE NOW! Even if she apologized who’s to say she won’t say it ever again. And what if they say it all the time when you’re not around? That’s how they truly feel about you please leave.
I’m an Indian American married to a white woman. Her parents really didn’t accept me and made no bones about saying it was because of my race. My wife read them the riot act and they reluctantly tolerated me. 13 years together I think they’re realizing they screwed up. We have a fantastic marriage and life. The only miserable ones are in the in laws
I know this does not make your situation any more bearable, but it sounds like her issue isn’t necessarily her being racist, but her not wanting to “lose” her son to any woman and the race card was the easiest way in her mind, to attack you. I am not saying she isn’t racist, since that was the way she chose to attack you, she likely is.
However, her statements about you moving her son to Sri Lanka and her admitting to her son that she was insecure, raise another very difficult problem you will face. She doesn’t want to lose her son. She will be jealous of anyone who she views as threatening her relationship with him.
Those two issues combined are going to make marriage very difficult.
If he picks you and drops his family… yes
I’m making a couple of assumptions here because I don’t know who is what. I assume one of you is white while the other is black. What the Mil is saying is she thinks if you have kids they’ll be more your race than hers. The silent part is that she doesn’t believe she’d be able to care for them as much as she would a child who was 100% her race. She might not even realize that what she’s thinking but her unconscious mind knows which is why it came out when she’d been drinking. Her introducing you as Sri Lanka instead of by your name is unhinged. That’s incredibly disrespectful but something a racist might do. It’s all horrible and doesn’t bode well for a loving relationship with her in your future but if you love your guy and he loves you then it might be best to try and find a way to work around her. Love isn’t found every day and he’s in your corner.
My MIL was evil to me for many years. I managed to mainly avoid her, keep the kids away from her, and never retaliated. Now she’s in her nineties and very sweet to me. Not that I trust her not to become evil again, but helping keep the peace for the husband I love has been more than worth it. He isn’t his mom. People can also change.
All of this being said, we did not live in the same town until the last year.
Your partner should have:
gotten you out of the situation, leave. If people ask, say mom isn’t being appropriate. Show her that drunk or not, you will not stay any time she says stuff like that.
confronted her then and later. He did these, but he should have made it clear she must apologize to you
make sure she apologizes.
Otherwise, I would expect you will repeat this incident and she will not change. She still likely won’t, but since she hasn’t even mentioned it to you- she is NOT sorry.
If every marriage with a problem in-law failed, the divorce rate would be about 95%. Part of the package is managing problematic relatives.
I’m a white woman married to a Hispanic man. My parents have always been racist. Therefore, we seldom see them, maybe twice per yead for a few hours. If they say one racist or negative thing, I shut them down, and we leave. We’ve gone very long periods of no contact after they have said hurtful, racist things. Years of not speaking. The last time I started speaking to them again was when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He’s in the clear now, so we are back to low contact (calls, no visits). Your partner has to be willing to set the boundary and stick up for you. My husband and children are my world, and I will forever choose them over my parents and their hate. Don’t settle for less. You deserve to have the kind of love that brings you peace and comfort.
If he’s firmly on your side, it can work. But MIL probably won’t change, so you’ll have to decide if you can deal with it.
Personally, if my MIL acted like that toward me, I’d want to exclude her from my life. You can still have a relationship/marriage with her son, but she can’t be part of it until and unless she changes her attitude.
He defended you and confronted her. That’s a green flag if I’ve ever seen one. You want a person who establishes boundaries like that. Be sure to express your gratitude to him for being a good man and defending you *every* time he does so.
He can’t change his mother, but he can respond. He seems prepared to establish consequences for bad behavior. Adult children are not required to maintain a relationship with abusive or disrespectful parents or relatives. A good man will insist that family members stop, and even walk out of family gatherings if necessary to protect his spouse/partner from this kind of abuse.
I would leave him if he’s close to family or won’t set them straight. This sounds very toxic for you