(Throwaway account)
I (25F) have been married to my husband (25M) for 2 years now and have been together for 5 years. At the start of our relationship, my MIL and I had an AMAZING relationship. She was a mom to me when my mom wasn’t, and we had the relationship every DIL & MIL want to have. 1 year after my husband and I had been dating, his mother sat her family down a couple of days before Christmas and told them that she had been having an affair with my FIL’s nephew, who was their backyard neighbor, for about a year. Everyone was beyond shocked and disgusted.
About 1 year after this occurred, we tried to move past it and be cordial with her, but she ruined her chance by punching my husband’s cousin (who she practically raised) after he tried to sit and have a conversation with her about it. He said nothing to offend her, he just wanted to know why she had the affair. About 2 years after everything was unveiled, I wanted to give her another chance, but that was also destroyed once it was revealed that her boyfriend (the nephew) was arrested and fired from his job for hard drug use. He also had a girlfriend in the town that he worked in every other week. So, not only was he a hard drug user, but he was cheating on my MIL. She bailed him out of jail and brought him back home, and they are still living happily ever after, BTW. She also tends to badmouth my husband to her siblings and parents because he cut her out of his life. Between those things, there were other things that happened, but those are the highlights.
My husband’s whole family, except my BIL and his wife, have forgiven her and act like nothing ever happened. My mom also chimes in sometimes in support of us forgiving her. We, on the other hand, want nothing to do with her. My husband and I are thinking about starting a family soon, and I am eaten away by guilt thinking about our children not knowing their grandmother, but I get sick to my stomach thinking about our children being around her. We don’t trust her, and we DEFINITELY don’t trust the boyfriend.
AITAH?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: (Throwaway account)
I (25F) have been married to my husband (25M) for 2 years now and have been together for 5 years. At the start of our relationship, my MIL and I had an AMAZING relationship. She was a mom to me when my mom wasn’t, and we had the relationship every DIL & MIL want to have. 1 year after my husband and I had been dating, his mother sat her family down a couple of days before Christmas and told them that she had been having an affair with my FIL’s nephew, who is their backyard neighbor, for about a year. Everyone was beyond shocked and disgusted.
About 1 year after this occurred, we tried to move past it and be cordial with her, but she ruined her chance by punching my husband’s cousin (who she practically raised) after he tried to sit and have a conversation with her about it. He said nothing to offend her, he just wanted to know why she had the affair. About 2 years after everything was unveiled, I wanted to give her another chance, but that was also destroyed once it was revealed that her boyfriend (the nephew) was arrested and fired from his job for hard drug use. He also had a girlfriend in the town that he worked in every other week. So, not only was he a hard drug user, but he was cheating on my MIL. She bailed him out of jail and brought him back home, and they are still living happily ever after, BTW. She also tends to badmouth my husband to her siblings and parents because he cut her out of his life. Between those things, there were other things that happened, but those are the highlights.
My husband’s whole family, except my BIL and his wife, have forgiven her and act like nothing ever happened. My mom also chimes in sometimes in support of us forgiving her. We, on the other hand, want nothing to do with her. My husband and I are thinking about starting a family soon, and I am eaten away by guilt thinking about our children not knowing their grandmother, but I get sick to my stomach thinking about our children being around her. We don’t trust her, and we DEFINITELY don’t trust the boyfriend.
AITAH?
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Personally, I’d follow your FIL’s lead. He’s the injured party here. Has he moved on? Has he forgiven her? Is he still angry and devastated?
NTA. I’m mean, the situation sounds really toxic. I personally don’t like to be around or invest myself in people that bring drama to my peace. You can be civil while keeping your emotional distance and staying out of her crap.
You can forgive or not forgive anyone you want. If you do forgive her, it doesn’t mean you have to be around her. The list of her bad points really add up. Cheats on her husband with another family member, talks bad about your husband, her own son, physically assaults another family member, why would you want to be associated with her in any way? If she can do that to her own family, what can she and what will she do to you? You can forgive, but not forget.
You can invite your MIL to a restaurant or coffee shop under the condition you will leave if her drugged out jail bird nephew lover shows up. Just typing that sentence made me think “JER-RY…JER-RY…JER-RY.”
What are the ages of the people. I need to know how old MIL and FIL nephew are. How long has MIL known Nephew? Are we dealing with grooming?
I wouldn’t want to spend time with Jerry Springer people. Spend time with FIL or quality friends. Please protect your future children from the toxic family members.
Your DH knows these people a lot better than you do. If he doesn’t want MIL involved, you should honor that. I see so many posts that start “I pushed my husband to be closer to his family member and now things are awful and he won’t back me up.”
First you have to think about who you are allowing your future children to be influenced by. You also don’t have to sweep this level of nastiness under the rug because everyone else is uncomfortable.
The family is trash, where is your father in law?
NTA, uou have gone no contact, and even if you had a baby, you would still be no contact. Those who think you should forgive and forget need to be dropped. If you and DH have a baby, she might be biologically related to the child, but you do not need to let her or any of her supporters in your child’s life
You can forgive and still be no contact because you don’t trust her and boyfriend around your children. Having healthy boundaries is important even when others have none.
NTA! This isn’t the type of person you want to be around.
And I always say to think of your future kids. Do want them around your MIL and her BF? She has always shown that she makes very bad decisions. That’s not the type of person you want around you or your family.
Her actions have consequences. She wanted to FA, and now she FO. She lost her family for D.
Do we know for sure if the nephew isn’t actually your FIL?
This isn’t the same thing, except for the guilt: Thirty-give years ago, I lamented to my doctor, a woman, that my daughter was getting cheated because I wasn’t at home, baking cookies & all the other things.
My doctor said, “They don’t miss it because they never had it.” At the time it was pretty profound for me.
I definitely think this applies to your situation. If your kids don’t know your MIL, they don’t know they’re “missing” something.
When they get old enough, you can explain. And you can let them decide if they want a relationship with her.
Forgiveness does not mean acceptance. I can forgive something someone has done without welcoming them back into my life. We forgive people for our own sake.
NTA. She is sleeping with someone of her children’s generation. It’s bad enough that she had an affair, what’s worse is that it’s one of her former husband’s relatives, and then the generational issue. Affairs are very selfish, but her selfishness is greatly magnified. Then her hitting your husband’s cousin? No. I would be done with her and I think you’re right to not want your children around someone with horrible judgement and who was violent. It’s sad they are missing out on a grandmother, but not sad that they are missing out on that particular grandmother.
MIL practically raised him, you mean she groomed him.
It would be correct to keep her away from you and your future kids.
NTA! Having them in your child’s life seems like a terrible idea if he’s a drug user and she’s an enabler. Not to mention violent if she’s punching people for trying to ask questions. Also, since it’s your husband’s family of origin and not yours, I’d follow his lead. Your kids will still be showered with love by your FIL and his new partner, BIL and his wife, cousins, friends, your side of the family, etc.
You make up with her and you are inviting all the crazy baggage that comes with her back into your lives. The face punching when mad, the drug addict nephew she used to babysit and now sleeps with, all of it. Think of that last sentence and then think of her asking to babysit your future children. Protect your peace.
Is the FIL’s nephew not your husband’s cousin? What’s the ages? Also, NTA, I’d just follow your husband’s lead on in this one and tell everyone else to mind their own business.