My 28F husband 30m keeps making empty promises when we go out. We have been married for almost 2y. And he keeps telling me when we go out or he goes out that he will leave but it always ends up being untrue. We have a baby together 1mo F. He will say I have to take her home he is on his way and then end up staying another 3hours. Or he will go out with his friends and say he will be home at a time and be late( like a few hours) and I have talked to him about it so much and he always says it won’t happen again. I don’t know what I should do. I end up being upset but it never changes.
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Backup of the post’s body: My 28F husband 30m keeps making empty promises when we go out. We have been married for almost 2y. And he keeps telling me when we go out or he goes out that he will leave but it always ends up being untrue. We have a baby together 1mo F. He will say I have to take her home he is on his way and then end up staying another 3hours. Or he will go out with his friends and say he will be home at a time and be late( like a few hours) and I have talked to him about it so much and he always says it won’t happen again. I don’t know what I should do. I end up being upset but it never changes.
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Have an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings. Express your disappointment and set boundaries for the future. Communication is key in any relationship.
To me, there are no repercussions for his repeated broken promises therefore why wouldn’t he quit doing it? He isn’t taking you serious or the fact that Y’ALL have a family together. If I was you, I’d have a serious “this is my last time” conversation about it and if he does not follow thru, then you need to follow thru with whatever you stated will be the consequences of his actions.
I would also ask yourself, why are YOU the one who always has to take baby home and leave early? Moms or default parent deserves time away or to themselves too.
If you’re telling him you’re upset and he promises to change, why do you think he isn’t aware? He is. He just doesn’t care to change his behavior for you.
Oh he knows you’re upset. He just doesn’t care. He needs consequences for this.
He knows. He does not care.
I’m sorry.
Promise him sex and then develop a headache every time he does this
The fact that he’s willing to leave you alone with a 1-month-old while he’s out for hours says a LOT. You’re not just upset—you’re being disrespected
If you’ve already talked to him multiple times and he’s still doing obviously he doesn’t care or not taking you seriously about it. I will just say this coming from experience married 10 years. Figure out how and what boundaries to set now! If you don’t and you keep letting things go that really bother you it will get worse. Set your boundaries now and stick to them or it will bite you in the a&$ later trust me! Think about what you are not willing to accept for the rest of your life! Set your boundaries now! I wish I would have because now I’m getting the repercussions of that. Good luck to you and always stand your ground when it comes to your feelings 🫶 Had to edit to addd this…. Your feelings are very valid! Do not let him try to turn it around or make you feel otherwise. That is manipulation at its finest! Again best of luck 🫶
Welcome to your life from now on. Unless you leave together…
Husband doesn’t care for infant or do household duties. Parties. Phone scrolls.
Wife carries the load and is exhausted. Resentful.
Husband tells wife she’s not the same and he feels lonely. A self fulfilling prophesy for him dumping everything on her.
To prevent this… leave together. Put your foot down. He might not care but you gotta call him out on the lack of integrity.
Your husband does not like you or your child.
> He will say I have to take her home
Start saying no. Hand him the baby and tell him he needs to go.
Right now, all of this is just empty conversations and there are no real consequences for his actions. It’s time you sit down and have a FAFO conversation. What chores do you do around the house? If you do his laundry, stop. If you make dinner for both of you, stop. Just cook for yourself.
The thing is, you are getting a very real glimpse of the rest of your life if you continue to just let this slide. If you aren’t already there, you could quickly turn into the bang nanny/maid.
If he’s not home by the time he promised, lock him out.
How many times does he have to prove to you that you are just an inconvenience to him? Actions prove who someone is, words are what they pretend to be.
None of his actions even say he likes you, let alone supposedly love you.
He knows. I’d start doing it to him back, tho. Go leave the baby with dad for a while.
Your husband doesn’t care. Also why are you the one in charge of the baby? This screams that you are the default parent and the assumption is that the baby is your responsibility while he is free to do whatever and come and go as he pleases.
You need to change that now. Your husband needs to be in charge of taking the baby home. He needs to be left alone to care for the baby while you go out.
Read – Why Does He Do That PDF Free download by Lundy Bancroft – Free Books Mania
You now have a baby, his treatment of you will not get better. He thinks he has you trapped.
You could have a trusted family member or friend on call for babysitting the next time he is late. Then he can come home to find them in his house, taking care of his kid, because HE is NOT RELIABLE and you had plans.
That might drive home the need for him to honor his promises. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words. Does he think your time is not important? Does he not respect you? If he doesn’t change you will end up serving him with divorce papers. This is a deal breaker for most.
You need to take action (while keeping the baby safe and cared for) to show him that when he fails, it matters and it will not be tolerated.
This is why women need to stop falling for men who say they want kids. They want CONTROL over another human. They will say they want a wife & kids but never bother to be a husband & father. And you are NEVER a good father if you treat the mother of your child like shit.
He knows how u feel, he doesn’t care bc he thinks he has u trapped w a baby. It really sucks to find this out AFTER having a child, but that’s how it goes. The Mask is melting & what is left will be who he really is when he believes u have no choice.
Give him the baby to take home and tell him YOU will leave soon. Drive together so you leave together. Put a locking chain on the doors and tell him no one gets admitted after 9:30 pm ( or whatever time he says he will be home). Go to couples counseling. When you ask him he will ask why and you tell him you need advice on your options of trying to save the marriage or go right to divorce. Talk to his mother, IF you have a wonderful MIL who would understand.
He knows exactly what he is doing. He knows you will step in. Sit him down an tell if he breaks another promise you an your child.will move out an your tired of his broken promises. You have to prove this to him because he is selfish an will never change until you prove a point to him.
Tell him you’re going out to run some errands or go for a walk Fri after he gets home from work.
Turn back up Monday morning before he leaves for work.
When he’s messaging you asking where you are, tell him, “I’m almost done. Be home soon.”
Or
The next time he goes out and doesn’t come home when he says he will, take you and baby and go stay somewhere else. A hotel, your parents’ place, and don’t be home when he gets back.
If he gets upset, tell him he can either act single and be out all he wants and you’ll divorce him and give him the single life for real or he can step up and be a Dad and husband and honor the vows he took at the wedding, and the responsibility he signed up for when he got you pregnant.
Leave
Why did the narcissist cross the road?
They saw a sign saying not to cross the road.
Giving him a boundary is entertaining to him. He lies to your face, you know he’s lying, and he starts doing the thing you said you cannot stand because he wants you to see that you cannot stop him.
Don’t believe anything he says unless it is consistent with what he does. He is messing with your mind. It’s overt emotional abuse.
He has escalated since you first got together, right? He’s going to keep escalating as he breaks you down more and more.
Leave.
THEN he will understand.
Let him stay home with your kiddo one night while you go out with friends and do this to him and see how he reacts. You deserve a night out and he can stay home waiting for you. Turn around is fair play. Seriously you should
He doesn’t care about you and the baby nearly as much as he cares about himself and his friends. I’m sorry but it’s true. It’s time for you to take care of yourself and your daughter and stop caring about him.
Don’t comment. Don’t change your plans. Don’t plan ANYTHING with him. If he notices and questions or comments then tell him you’ve decided that since he doesn’t care about you and the baby, you’re done caring about him.
Go on with your life as though he doesn’t exist. If that doesn’t elicit some positive changes then you have another decision to make.
Stop believing him. Make your plans as though he is fully unreliable, because he is. If he gets upset, say calmly, “I don’t want to be nagging you to show up when you say you will. Until you find a way to keep your own promises about time or remember to tell me when plans change, I can’t take your word on it. Baby and I will stay or we’ll all leave when baby is done.”
I’m sorry to tell you this, but he knows. He just doesn’t care.
I know others have said it, but hun… I have BEEN THERE. It feels absolutely impossible that someone who at one point had been so convincing could just not care about your feelings. But he’s proving it. He thinks he has you trapped and can treat you however he wants and you’ll just stick around and put up with it. He probably thinks all he has to do is throw a fit and put on the waterworks if you try to leave, or he’ll make himself the victim in any conversation about your feelings… He’s going to disappoint and hurt the feelings of you and your child for as long as he’s in your lives. He’s shown his true colours. So either you prove he’s right… Or prove he’s wrong.
I suggest a very good book (or audiobook) called “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. It explains why everyone from basic selfish manipulators to hardcore physical abusers act the way they do. Explained my father and my ex perfectly…
Another book(or audiobook) that’s good for HEALING your pained heart, is called “all about love” by bell hooks. In fact, I recommend doing that one first, based on the heartache and pain you’re feeling.
Side note,
… I was 28 when I left my ex that broke my heart every day for 13 years.
In any case, no matter where life takes you, just remember, it’s okay. You deserve to be happy even if you get there the long way around. And your child deserves it too.
I’m assuming you have told him before so he doesn’t care, why??? Because you are always there. Show him what it’s like when you are not there.
He doesn’t care because he knows you aren’t going to do anything other than keep talking to him.
I’d leave and not be there when he gets home. When he calls, ignore it. He isn’t going to stop until you actually do something.
Do the same thing to him.
Next time if the baby gets fussy, hand her to hubby. If he complains, tell him he can take her home if he wants to. Or say we all leave together. Either way, he has to deal with the fussy child
It will happen again. Because he simply doesn’t care. He knows you’re upset. He simply doesn’t care