A few days ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It’s been hard on us all but idk what to do. I’m only 20, a kid by most standards, and of course in afraid to loose her this early in my life. But I cant keep saying this stuff to her as she has cried enough as it is. But nobody is talking about it and I hate that.
I dont know how I’m supposed to react. I’ve felt everything and nothing all at once. And I’m afraid that there is nothing I can do to change anything, and it scares me. I have my own mental problems and feel bad that they still exist at this time.
Is there any advice on how I can at least be useful while not imploding or making things worse?
Sorry if this isnt the place for this.
Comments
Take care of yourself. Good luck! Hopefully, everything will go fine!
Big issue: Her life is not all about cancer.
She will have appointments, treatments, and may feel unwell recovering from treatments. But she almost certainly still likes the things she liked before. She just may need to pace herself.
So cook a meal with her. Or go shopping. Or curl up on the couch and watch a movie. Spend time with her doing some things that are mutually enjoyable.
And help out when she doesn’t feel up to taking care of everyday tasks. Clean the kitchen. Do the laundry. She’s not helpless but may need help.
You have to guard your mental health and well-being, but your mom needs you. As a cancer survivor myself, I hated that I was excluded from the conversations about how scared my people were, they were trying to protect me from the stress, but it made me feel further alienated.
Talk to your mom, and lead with the I love you’s and the I’m scared’s, the conversation will flow from there. Then, just be there; be there for doctor or treatment appts, be there if she loses her hair (maybe lose yours at the same time, my dad shaved his head when I shaved mine), go to chemo with her, clean her house, do her laundry, mow her lawn, go grocery shopping, and do on.
There are a million ways to support her, and when we do that, it helps us in the process too.
Good luck, and I bet your mom is so much stronger and tougher than you ever knew.
I don’t think there is a script to follow here. If you want to to talk this through, you can look into therapy. Just from this short paragraph, we can’t really help you, but with enough time a therapist might be able to. It’s not a “fix it all” solution, because therapist don’t give solutions. They listen, give perspective and hopefully also tools so you can deal with it.
On another note: don’t let this overshadow every moment of your life. Life is finite for everyone, but that’s nothing to be sad or scared about. It just makes the time we have much more valuable, so don’t spend it sulking around. Spend time with your mom, create happy memories, help out where you can. The rest is outside of your control. Do what you CAN do, aka make the time you spend with her a happy time.
Don’t avoid or ignore the topic, but there are other things too.
I’ve been there, gladly not with my mum, but with other family members. I know it’s not easy to stay positive, but even if you are just a small, pleasant distraction for them, you are doing a lot.
Be strong for her, if you are constantly breaking down it will just put more stress on her.
Tell her everyday how much you love her. Do little things to take her mind off of it, or take her places.
Hey there. When my mum got diagnosed with breast cancer it was very scary for the whole family, we really didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. I think the biggest thing you can do for your mum is just let her know she’s loved and you care for her. There’s no right way to behave as such, everyone feels differently. I know my brothers felt quite angry initially but I think that was more a feeling of powerlessness and being scared of losing her. Luckily it was early stage and she got effective treatment. You haven’t said if you know the diagnosis, what have her doctors indicated are her chances with treatment, or is it too early to know, if you don’t mind me asking?
I’d also suggest asking if there is any counselling support for her as well as family (yourself of course) it can help to have another outlet or person to listen to your fears and concerns.
But above all else, it’s ok to cry and be sad but also really realise how important she is in your life and let her know that, try doing some nice things together so she is not just focusing on the illness, but understanding her energy levels may be lower. Ask her how she’s going, and what she needs as well if you are unsure. I hope you can find the support you need, it can be really tough so leaning on friends and support networks is really important.
Hey there: I sympathize by proxy. My wife lost her mom to colon cancer when she was only 21. That was 40+ years ago. I don’t know what specific type of cancer your mom has, but there have been amazing advances in the treatment and even cure rates for many cancers, meaning many people live for much longer and with better quality of life than ever. Please give your mom our most heartfelt support and hopes for many more happy years of life with you all.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. To be there for your mother, you need to be sure you’re emotionally strong first. Hopefully there is at least one person you can confide in to share your feelings. As for your mother, just being present and available to her is probably the most helpful thing you can do. On a practical note, things like making her tea, or rubbing her feet, can bring some comfort. Difficult as it may seem, try your best to keep it all in perspective: A cancer diagnosis, while always scary, doesn’t mean death. She may recover from this. If she does, it may actually be an event that brings you closer. Either way, the outcome is beyond your control (always so hard to accept), but how you react to her during this journey is something you can direct. Try to be patient and gentle with both of you. It’s a difficult, trying time and extra love and support is essential. Sending you healing vibes and kindness.