As the title says. After some LTRs and shorter ones with emotionally unavailable men, I find myself jaded about the idea of dating. I work really hard with my therapist to re-parent myself (grew up with an emotionally unavailable father and a codependent mother who’s unable to find satisfaction and happiness in living by herself). As a result, I discovered I am emotionally unavailable myself cause, at the end of the day, I don’t believe I deserve love. I always picked partners who where “bad”, so that I knew the relationship was never going to work out. As a result, when it ended, I could look back and say to myself “I don’t have any faults, and the only one I have is I stuck around for too long”. Which sounds terrible. Right now, the idea of meeting someone new, of letting them disturb my peace and my boredom is nauseating. At the same time, I feel very lonely, but I cannot bring myself to “go out there”. I have many other things I want to work on (changing jobs, getting a dog, learning how to be alone), but thinking about these things is also terrifying: I have been at my job for more that 10 years and another major change in life frightens me.
Any ladies out there who experienced something similar? How’s life turned out for you?
(Not looking for a diagnosis, I know I am quite avoidant myself. Just looking for someone who’s been there and came out on the other side, one way or another). Thank you š
Comments
I can relate to a T. My loneliness is my biggest problem. I also tend to be friends with people who can be ābadā as well. Very interested in others views and experiences. Thanks!
This is almost exactly my situation. Dating is so hard and I feel like the idea of it just has a slew of expectations that cause pressure. I just want to find a really amazing friend where weāre both into each other romantically and agree to be each otherās partners.
Since I donāt really see that happening, Iām trying to become my own best friend at the moment. Iām hoping if I canāt find a partner, hopefully I can at least find a few good friends who I can platonically live life with, but thatās a bit difficult too.
Yes. Right now just taking a break from dating because it sucks up too much mental energy. Busy with my thesis and fitness. So I deal with that lonely feeling by making time to meet my friends at least 1-2x per week. I take naps too. Right now Iām waiting for my ebook to charge so I can resume to reading the book Iām trying to finish.
Very similiar to my situation as well. I have been single for 6 years and only had short things with unavaible men during the last couple of years. It sucked. I would like to meet someone and fall in love with a good man but at the same time I don’t really believe in it. I find dating exhausting and I am happy by myself but also quite lonely.
I donāt want to be single, but Iām so jaded at the thought of finding a man who isnāt either blatantly abusive or passively misogynistic. I want a man who sees me as being a human being, someone who genuinely likes me and enjoys spending time with me. Closest Iāve had to that was a long-term FWB, but he dumped me cause he wantedāidk what he wants, but he didnāt want it from me.
Relationship, dating, and women-oriented subs are filled every day with horror stories of men they loved and trusted who turned out to be terrible people. Like, you can do all the work on yourself possible, but thereās not many available men who are capable and interested in meeting you on your level. Most adult men seem to have the emotional regulation of a hungry, tired toddler.
I hate the loneliness, but I just can’t trust anyone at this point. No matter how much I try to make sure there are no red flags, no matter how many I pull back from, no matter how desperately I wish literally anyone on this planet could love me, I know that I will always be unloveable. I hate this existence. I hate that I am so broken that I can’t be loved.
Are you me?
I’m a huge avoidant but the one who physically and verbally abused me and neglected emotionally was my mother. I was also bullied as a kid and abused physically by my first teacher, so I don’t trust anyone.
I haven’t had a relationship because I always fell for unavailable men either emotionally or because they were literally in a relationship and even when they were flirting with me I would never have anything with someone who has a partner.
By now the idea of a partner can look good in my imagination because it’s someone who basically doesn’t exist. I’m sure a plain mortal man would be a pain in the ass most of the time so I’m not even actively looking, the perfect guy has to fall from the sky for me to go in a relationship.
On the job thing, I worked in the same company for 16 years, was miserable most of the time but afraid to do anything. In January they laid me off and the thing is nothing really happened that was worth staying so long and being scared. I’m not looking for a job right now because I don’t want to keep doing what I was doing and I got depression from that last job. I will take things slow and have this whole year for me to find what I really want to do.
The only thing that helped me with my attachment issues was confronting my childhood trauma via EMDR. It’s a tough therapy modality, but I’m tougher! š¤ Six months of that and I was a brand new person.
I just had a breakup a few days ago. It was a short relationship, and I knew it had an expiration date from the beginning, but it was exactly what the two of us needed at the time.
I’m not looking to get back into the dating scene. I hate the apps. I tend to meet people organically in unexpected places, anyway. My priorities are getting a job, getting my finances in order, and putting money away for a home of my own. I fully trust that I’ll run into the right person at the right time – I get out enough for this to be possible.
Iām incredibly jaded. And incredibly lonely. A few months ago, my previously great bf kind of flipped a switch. He wasnāt abusive in any way but became rather neglectful. We broke up two days ago. This is the first real relationship and first time Iāve loved since my marriage ended in DV in 2018. I truly love him and know thereās a good person in there, but I deserve so much better than what Iāve been getting.
Iām absolutely terrified to put myself back out there again. It took me 5 years to be ok with putting myself out there after my marriage ended. Iām so tired of not having my needs met. My needs are what most women would consider the absolute bare minimum for a relationship. Iām not asking for anything crazy.
Iām taking some time to mourn the loss of this relationship, as I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him before he started being a shitty bf. Iām taking time to heal and grow. But even then, I donāt know if Iāll ever put myself out there again. I canāt take the misery of dating or the fear of another relationship where I donāt matter. But, damn, Iām so freaking lonely.
I experienced this with women, not men, but the foundation and response is the same.
Basically, all I could seem to meet/attract were abusive women or women who were straight up losers. (I can provide context details if you feel theyāre relevant, but abusive is abusive and a loser is a loser, IMO – regardless of gender.) I ended up with PTSD from female friendships.
The good news is, Iām out on the other side! The bad news is it took a few YEARS which isnāt as devastating because thereās less of the ātime is running outā feeling, but I encourage you to be patient regardless of whether youāre seeking platonic or romantic relationships.
The loneliness was HEAVY. Id go weeks without speaking to a soul who wasnāt my husband, family, coworker or customer. No notifications. No online interactions. Nothing. The PTSD was so bad I actually felt safer this way than I did interacting with women.
Hereās how I got out of it:
Therapy. Donāt seek armchair ātherapistsā as you need registered psychiatrists or psychologists who can help you navigate how your brain is working and the āwhyā behind why the people you meet are behaving the way they are.
Be open. Emotional availability is difficult. You have to sort of train your brain to be inviting to these types of relationships, but not codependent on them. Stop associating things as couple or friend only as you have every right to exist in a space or participate in something just like everyone else. Donāt be delusional and accept that most things do centre around relationships, but thatās mostly for business purposes and it isnāt personal.
At this age, you better know what you want and need. If you donāt, figure it out. Now. And itās OK to be so fucking picky that 99% of the people you interact with will not meet your standards. At this stage in the game you should be dating seriously and itās OK to completely lose interest in someone as a potential partner for any reasons. Those reasons are YOUR reasons. Once you know them you can do a better job at sorting through them.