I’m a 38-year-old man, born and raised in Canada, the product of immigrant parents. I wear a turban, and my greying beard gives off more certainty than I actually feel. I’m a dad, a husband, and I own a business—employees, taxes, suburbia, all of it. On paper, my life checks a lot of boxes.
I try to give my kids the kind of open, emotionally safe space I didn’t grow up with. I challenge myself to show up to their games, listen when they talk, share hobbies with them for as long as they’ll let me. I’m very involved because I want them to feel protected and seen in ways I never was.
I was exposed to things too early. There were events in my childhood I now recognize as sexual abuse. At the time, it felt like a confusing secret—intimate, sacred, forced, shared with people older than me, people a child is too easily made to trust. Then they vanished, and I was left alone with a kind of shame I couldn’t name. Why did they leave, what did I do wrong, do I actually love my abuser that abandoned me? I never really processed it. It just lived inside me like a current—always there, always pulling.
I’ve always been curious, but when it came to sex, I gave it my full attention. I remember cutting out pictures of women in bras from flyers and catalogues like Sears and Walmart, carefully hiding them in a shoebox like they were treasure. I didn’t know what I was doing—I just knew I felt something. From as far back as I can remember, sex wasn’t just curiosity—it was obsession. It became the lens I see the world through.
Over the years, I’ve gone through phases. I’ve been to sex clubs, group experiences, fetish events. I’ve explored heavy kink and power dynamics. If I meet someone who’s genuinely into something, I usually find myself intrigued too—as long as it’s consensual. I’ve done things most people wouldn’t believe I would be into or apart of. I’ve never crossed lines with employees or anyone under my influence. Done anything illegal when it comes to sexuality or have any desire too. Other than public sex, I’ve had alot of that.
Still, I’m a cheater. An adulterer.
My wife knows parts of this. We’ve been to counselling for other issues, but I’ve come clean about this side of me. I’ve tried to stop cheating. I try really hard to be a good husband. Read books about relationships, how affairs affect our spouses. I only want to keep her cup full, reassuring her , being present and trying to be a great partner to her in other ways. I love pleasuring her, giving her orgasms and exploring her desires. We have a good sex life, Im more than satisfied with it and genuinely find her attractive and I do desire her. We plan weekly dates, buy her thoughtful gifts, and I genuinely enjoy making her feel loved. But sometimes, the pull of lust is louder than love, louder than religion, louder than reason. I hate it. And yet—I chase it.
I’ve tried everything: therapy, religion, meditation, prayer, new hobbies, guilting myself, keeping busy with charity. Sometimes I feel like an addict. Even when I’m sober, I’m afraid the moment will come again. Other times, I feel like I’m just trying to feel something real—something that consumes me and pulls me out of the numbness.
I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I go to the gym. I try to grow and improve. But even those things can get warped. Lust finds its way into everything. It’s not like I’ve had a long list of partners outside my marriage—I’ve done a decent job staying physically restrained. If I do become physical with someone it tends to be a long term discreet affair. When I do have physical contact with other partners, I’m always careful—testing, protection, aware that I’m risking my partner, and hating myself for it… but still not enough to stop.
I don’t know if I’m straight, queer, confused, or just deeply human. I know I’ve been both dominant and submissive, can confidently say I’m naturally dominant. I’ve lived out fantasies most people only whisper abou. At the same time doing all my dad duties, running my businesses, paying invoices, filing taxes and spending evening with my wife watching our shows and taking about life things before bed. I’m two people. Maybe more. Definitely more.
There’s a messy, lust-driven, trauma-layered, trying-hard-every-day version of me that no one really knows. That’s probably the truest version of me. I don’t want pity. I don’t want attention from a crowd. I just want someone to read this and feel that quiet “I get it” inside. I want to find someone who sees this not as something to fix—but something familiar. Maybe someone who becomes a friend, any gender, we talk about anything, I just like the fact you know this about me.
If that’s you, thank you. And if it’s not, thank you for reading anyway.
Comments
>There’s a messy, lust-driven, trauma-layered, trying-hard-every-day version of me that no one really knows. That’s probably the truest version of me.
This is almost everyone.
It’s a struggle all right
“Sometimes I feel like an addict.”
You definitely are one from your own recounting.
I feel so sorry for your wife. The shit she has to put up with makes me so sad.
All I can say is that I hope your children are taught the importance of openness and healthy romantic relationships (be they monogamous or otherwise). No hiding, no lies, no cheating.
From your post I’ll assume your wife isn’t comfortable with an open marriage? Instead of villainizing yourself maybe you can work toward an agreement you are both comfortable with.
Op, why don’t just divorce your wife. Because this is a nightmare mess for your wife and children. Especially if you not going to stop.
Respectfully Honour her, let her go. Then you can go on your merry adulterous way.
Not sure if it’s a cultural thing but please do your wife a favor and let her be. You should let her find a man who actually loves her. You don’t love her if you’re causing her this much pain.
I get you
You are not alone
It’s never too late to change brother
I feel so bad for your poor wife.
Life as an addict is always going to be one day at a time. Keep saying no to physical intimacy. Keep saying no to bad boundaries. It will never get easy, but it will get easier.
My husband was a serial cheater.
He even convinced me to become poly … And I did … I’d have done everything and anything for him. Until learning how to be emotionally and mentally secure in a poly relationship taught me that I was betraying myself by staying with someone whom did not share my values and morals.
Your wife is loyal. I’m guessing she’d never do what you are doing to you. Because her morals and values are different.
In the end I resented and now lost all attraction to my husband. I do not wish to share my heart, body and mind with someone who didn’t respect or value me the way I did him.
If you are putting your wife through pain then end this. Before you cannot even be friends and she never wants to see you again.
I was sexually violated (not abused, molested) so I kind of understand you OP. I don’t want to say it’s the exact same experience, because it’s not, but emotionally, we’ve felt and gone through the same confusion. I asked myself the exact same questions you asked yourself about the abuse.
It’s pretty hard to explain to somebody, especially when morals are greying the line, but in part of whatever fault you may (likely) have from cheating, you are, at the heart of all things, a victim; and the actions that followed are simply just reactions to something terribly confusing that happened in your formative years.
Not sure if you received help immediately or only years after the sexual abuse happened, but for me I had to compartmentalise all this confusion about getting violated and to console myself all on my own as a kid, and I think the oversimplified lenses I had as a naive, violated kid fucked up the ways I coped with things. And as mentioned, since it were my formative years, my fucked up viewpoints about sex/physical touch/desires that I formed in a way to survive a very traumatic (though I didn’t know I was traumatised back then) tucked into a very deep part of my brain that I can’t seem to reach even with therapy. It has formed my “being”—what I enjoy the most in bed etc.
I don’t wanna glorify your actions, but I’m pretty fucking sure you’ve beaten yourself up enough for this life you lead since you tried many avenues to get better.
My suggestion, tho I’m 12 years your junior and probs don’t know better, is that you should just show your wife this post. You made it under the guise of anonymity, so I’m sure this post is as raw and unfiltered as it gets. If she wants to stay and work through your highly complex grapple with infidelity and attraction, then it’s her personal choice and you should give yourself some grace because you are seen and she wants you to get better. Don’t hate yourself too much, hold yourself accountable, but also empathise that you are a victim and it’s pretty fucking hard to bounce back when the perpetrators never gave you the closure!
So yes, I get you, OP, it’s also tucked very deeply in the back of my being and while people around me know I’ve been molested, they don’t know just how complex and deep-rooted the consequences of my sexual assault have festered within my nature. I really wish we both get the clarity we seek someday.
To me sounds like sex addiction. Therapy is the answer, there’s a lot that you need to come to terms with.
There’s a lot of married men who share your desires. Thankfully many of them are far less selfish and want to not give their wife AIDS. Much luck… to her.
Edit: But in fairness this is a forum to confess.
Thank you come again
Congratulations on trying to capture the wonderful, awful, confusing messiness of life. If more people were like you and able to face their shadows, the world would be a much better place. It is the self righteous and the certain ones who make life so hard. I’m sure you make you wife and kids much happier than many people do and you live life on your terms.
Hi, you can DM me.
ChatGPT story time all
It’s better for your kids to have divorced parents than a dad that cheats on mom. They’ll be old enough to know everything soon enough.
I think you need to ask yourself if you’re happy in your marriage as well.
This man is opening up and seeking help and some of you are throwing stones at him. Sir take it one day at a time and pray. We all have demons we are fighting with, even those condeming you
I just came here to say you’re an excellent writer.
Having an open marriage seems to solve a lot of your marital problems.
However, that’s just a bandaid. You have to come to the real reason why you do what you do. Otherwise, you will lack control over yourself regardless. Even boundaries in an open relationship have to be consensual and strictly followed.
This is very similar story to my fathers situation and all I can say is get your shit together or your kids and everyone in your life you love will hate you. He destroyed our family with his selfish evil lustful desires and my younger sister despises him openly about how he’s not her father anymore
Kinda sorta beats drug addiction anyways. Humans are strange
I want all that. I’m starving in a dead bedroom as someone who needs a lot of sex. I know that if I blow it with my husband, it won’t go “as well” with anyone else… and that’s what keeps it in my pants. But I get it. I think my cup will never be full and yours will never be, either. I don’t know how to mend a broken soul… I wish I did.
I’m reading your post from the perspective of a wife whose husband has cheated repeatedly without a conscience great enough to make it stop. Much like you, my husband has an intense curiosity and lust for sex. Unlike you, he hasn’t/won’t talk about it with me or a therapist with the candidness and self-reflection that is necessary to correct it. I’m not OK with his unbridled lust for other people, I’m intensely hurt by it, and I also understand it. His behaviour has created a daily anxiety in me that I struggle to manage. I don’t think he belongs in a committed relationship, which isn’t to say that you don’t belong in a relationship either, but I’m more just expressing the feelings of someone from the other world outside of this insatiable lusting.
I’m sorry about the way you learned about sex, and I’m sorry your younger self didn’t get the comfort and guidance to steer you out of that situation. Thank you for putting words around your introspection. It’s insightful to learn your perspective.
Sounds like you need to lay all this out to a therapist. A licensed professional is what you need. Maybe multiple of them.
I dont know what all these ladies are triggered from. His wife probably doesn’t even know this and he is keeping her and the kids quite happy from what I read. (Fulfilling all his duties).
If you want to give advice, give it to him instead of feeling sorry for his wife.
The guy is already under the guilt of being promiscuous, so positive and meaningful advices will be preferred.
Hang in there bud, one step at a time.
“As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.””
Romans 3:10-12 NIV
We all fall short of God’s glory. Repent and put your trust into God. There is nothing in this world that God can’t lead you away from. It’s a struggle to fight temptations and even bad habits. Trust me, I know. That guilt you get is conviction. To say the least, it’d be bad if you didn’t have any guilt in opinion. When you find yourself being tempted, pray, read your Bible, listen to Christian music, call a trusted friend. It’s a hard fight, but have faith and trust in God.
You mentioned queer.
This could be that you’re gay and in the closet, especially if your affairs are with other men.
Please get therapy, and accept that maybe the issue is that you’re not straight or not completely straight. Maybe if you weren’t brought up in a sikh community or from that background you would be gay.
The issue is that you’ve had to suppress that side of you since you knew it wouldn’t be accepted especially by your parents. The issue with coming from backgrounds like this is that you have a huge community, and you can lose that if you do something that isn’t considered acceptable.
The younger members of the community are able to come out as gay depending on where they are, but unfortunately the older members can still be stuck and tied to the same expectations because they still carry that mentality.
I know my cousin was able to come out because my aunt and uncle were on his side, they bore the brunt of the backlash from the elders. He still got some of it, but it was nowhere near as bad as if someone from my dad’s generation came out as gay and was active in the community.
Being gay is looked down on when you’re active in the community because the homophobes will target you. They’ll use religion and whatever else they can to get at you.
I think that’s where your issue comes from, plus you know your kids could be excluded from the community because of that.
I think you need a therapist. You need to explore this with a professional who comes from an ethnic minority background and understands the taboo nature of this and the community impact.
You need to figure out how to be honest with your wife or leave it at cheating if you’re worried that she might make the mistake of telling people who will use it against your kids. Cheating is a good enough reason to divorce, but you’ll have to say you’re ending it because you can’t stay faithful to her.
Please get therapy. You might need to trial multiple therapists to find one that fits and understands.
I can relate with this… I wish I could put it into words as you do, but regardless of how happy I’ve been or how great my relationships have ever been, the thought of sexual experiences outside of my girlfriend never hides itself. The part where you talk about your lust being stronger than the rightful part of you is something I can also relate to.
I wish there wasn’t so much shame and hurt wrapped up in all of this. Early sexual trauma really wires people differently – and there is so much stigma and pain around it. Please find a therapist that can help you sort out some of the pain, shame and guilt that you are carrying around with you. Humans are so messy….all of us are. A lot of people don’t believe that sexual addiction is real (I am not saying it is or isn’t), but please explore it. Also, Please make sure if you do see a therapist, it is a sex positive therapist – not someone that will shame you for any of this. Your wife might surprise you and love you wholly and completely if she comes to understand all of this. I am rooting for you. Ohhhh….and have you ever considered psychedelics? Psychedelics can be so helpful in gaining clarity in these situations. And psychedelic assisted therapy is legal in some states.
I hear ya OP, we all have our own demons. I hate that men are subject to sexuality and lust that is difficult to control. It pisses me off women think men are so easy to control thru lust. So I use anger to control this elust urges.
concerned how few people didn’t notice this is AI…
This is ChatGPT 100%. “It wasn’t X – it was Y” dead giveaway
You’re kinky, it’s perfectly fine, but unfortunately, it rarely works well in marriages or even relationships. Good luck.
Your story checks a lot of boxes in my own life. I’m a survivor of CSA too and I’ve done most of the things with most of the people. I’ve had decades of therapy and it’s a road I seem to have walked a little further down than you.
We’re all on our own journey but here are a few things I’ve learned that might help you on yours.
First off, no butterfly is ready to spread their wings until they’re done being a caterpillar. You sound like you’re trying to step into a level of personality development you’re not ready for. Not yet.
To this end, you need some more tools in your toolbox. I recommend you stay in couple’s therapy to work on you and your wife and your communication with each other. It will help you as you grow to help you communicate your progress in individual therapy. You didn’t mention EMDR which has been of the biggest help to my own therapy. I recommend the mind palace technique with the hand held buzzers. The alternating sensations while talking about the most painful trauma felt like it rewires my brain’s access to those memories and moves them out of their traditionally very painful pathways.
Until you process the trauma and learn how to set and abide by your own firm boundaries, the cycle of constant slow cheating will be much more difficult to stop.
You are doing very well professionally and paternally from what you have said. Your wife seems to be wonderfully supportive and that is a jewel beyond price. Being honest with yourself about why you choose these constant dalliances is I feel a vital next step.
Good luck, fellow traveler!
openai should stop training their models on reddit bc reddit is getting flooded with AI posts now
Books will not explain it this way. Imagine you are in the street with your wife, and someone punches her hard in the face, and spits on her. That is not worse than what you have done to her, you don’t respect her, let that woman be free. She has a life, she’s not yours to torture.
Honestly this is a great read, humans are complicated. Wish you the best
The way you worded it really allows you to humanize yourself. Beautifully done. Regardless it also humanizes the act, almost hypocritically. Cheating is a dehumanizing act. If your wife did the same, would you stay with her? Would you put up with this type of behavior. Cheating is a type of behavior that breaks down relationships. The sanctity of love and trust. You can’t lead a double life and be happy. If you can’t control yourself, ask to open up the marriage and talk to your wife. Show her this side of you. Give her the choice. You can be a good father and not be married. I don’t know how you identify as a good husband when you’re not. Give your spouse a choice and the a true indication of the relationship. Don’t leave her in the dark, it’s the least you can do.
It sounds like sex addiction, and a lot of times, it stems from traumatic childhood incidents like sexual & emotional trauma. A close family friend of mine was abused as a child, and she opened up to me about what she went through then, and how it affects her in her adult life and it mirrors what you wrote down here. It’s like a sickness with no one size fits all remedy. Sometimes, there is no remedy. She tried therapy, but it didn’t work. Her solution was to get a divorce. She didn’t want to keep hurting/fighting her hubby. He has custody of their 2 kids, and she gets them every other weekend. It works for them. She gets to go out and sleep with whoever she wants and indulge in whatever kinks she wants, whenever she wants. She’s open with everyone about her ways now, I know she isn’t “healed,” but she seems really happy. So, while I haven’t gone through this myself, I do understand it, and I get it.
I’m never going to be cool with you cheating on your wife, but I’m still open to talk to you and potentially be friends. I am also an individual with wisps of grey living in Canada, so we at least start with common ground. You can dm me if you like.
Tldr
Sex can be an addiction, just like anything else that gives us dopamine.
SLAA is a free organization filled with people exactly in your shoes. People who would recognize your story. Meetings are free, anonymous, and available 24/7 on your cell phone.
Hope you decide to get better before you lose everything.
Hyper sexual behaviour can often be a result of sexual abuse especially at a young age and there’s lots of reasons for why that is and much like anything else if it feels any kind of good human beings can and will get addicted to that feeling, to plan their lives around it or feel driven by it in all things they do
I would encourage you to think about seeking out a trauma informed therapist, it’s possible that if you can more clearly process the events that happened in the past that you can move lust to a more normal and regulated part of your life instead of a constant urge and drive
I wish you luck in your journey of healing and applaud for being honest it’s the first step to realizing you want something different for your own life
Astaghfirullah
I just saw this post and I just got a little nudge, maybe from my intuition. And I’m super sorry if I am wrong, I see you are being super honest while being kinda sorta judged for your lifestyle. Well I’m not here to judge or criticize, I just want to know if you are in fact MH possibly? I just want one honest upfront answer after all that has happened. No judgement, no anger, just curious for my one and only question to be answered honestly.
Though many won’t agree — monogamy isn’t inherent, and nothing in life is black or white.
Also, super random sounding, but have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD or had a reason to believe you have it?
You seem to have made a connection between abuse you experienced as a child and this activity. I know you mentioned therapy, but did you commit to it with a psychiatrist? Healing can take years and medicine can also help. If you’re truly interested in change, that’s the route to go. A twelve step program would also be a great help, but only if you commit to it.
I can relate to a few things you’ve mentioned (I don’t have a wife or kids). This is pretty nuanced, im glad that you are self aware and trying to change. We all have our vices, nobody is a perfect human. If you are doing all of the good things for your family like you say you are then you’re a better man than most imo. I might be in the minority here but until you find permanent restraint or come to an agreement with your wife to be non-monogamous, i think you should stay until the kids are teens/young adults. You are actively trying to fix your cheating problems and it sucks for your wife and you in a sense as well with guilt and remorse, but being a good father and role model is very important for the children’s development and upbringing.
Took me 30+ years of making TERRIBLE decisions and being completely promiscuous, cheating constantly, awful divorce, endless pursuit of the next person, trying it ALL (much of what you’ve named) to finally make me confront my rape as a 14 year old.
Once I realized what was driving it, I went the other way and now have completely lost interest. I am married to a good man with his own issues that way and we are very close in heart and mind (most of the time!) but it is sexless. Wasn’t always, in fact, it was great for 2 years. He was the only man I have ever been with whom I trusted. I’ve never cheated on him.
I have good memories but the thought of my physical self with another person reviles me; because of me, not them. Healthy? No. I am just at the acceptance stage I guess.
No real pearls of wisdom here, just I empathize 100%.
If you religion allowed you to marry 4 wives you would have solved this problem, which many of men suffer from . Just sayinv
Thank you for the post OP. I feel 0.0001% less shitty about myself knowing I am not the only monster around, knowing people struggle with the similar confused curiosity towards sex. With a partner who is as vanilla as they come, but I can’t imagine a life without.
I know the logical thing to do to lead a good life in my head but cannot implement it. “I get it”
As someone who has had a similar childhood, your account of your life is eerily similar to mine (without the wife and kids though).
Especially as a boy and even later a man, it’s hard to find any resource or validation from society to clear the deep seated guilt and confusion I felt even though we were abused by people we trusted and I understand intellectually that it was not my fault.
The scars left behind are something I’m still struggling to understand today. I’m sure it’s is not easy to cope, along with the added pressures of running a business, trying to be a good father and a good husband.
At the same time, I can’t condone cheating. It has the potential to affect everyone in your life depending on how nuclear the meltdown turns out to be. At the same time, I recognise the behaviour you exhibit as a coping mechanism to feel that you’ve gained control over your sexuality.
However, not all coping mechanisms are healthy and yours is especially capable of destroying the life you’ve built for yourself, personally and professionally.
Childhood sexual trauma affects us into adulthood. Recognise that fact, and perhaps try to get added professional advice. The space of mental health is much better today than at any point in history.
Double life syndrome! It’s normal to want this lustful life, but maybe you are a people pleaser? You don’t show your side that wants promiscuity; therefore you do things you regret.
You should join the sex addiction Reddit group for some advice.