It’s basically as the title says.
This week a young woman saying she’s my daughter rang me. Not recognising the number I picked up the phone, and lo and behold, I apparently have an adult daughter. Let’s call her Grace (not her real name obviously.)
At first I figured it must be a scam call, but she knew me by name and her mother is a girl I hooked up with a few times years ago on holiday! (Just my look that too much sambuca could lead me here…) so it seems to me that I do, genuinely have, a biological daughter.
Obviously this is pretty massive news to me which I have up till now been entirely unaware off.
I honestly don’t really know who o should approach this, but she was asking if I’d like too meet up at some point over a coffee. I agreed but now I’m having second thoughts. It’s all just a little nerve racking.
Anyway, thank you Reddit for listening to (or well reading actually I suppose) my dilemma.
Comments
DNA test asap
Sounds great, good luck! However, not saying that it is a scam, it sounds real, but I have heard of alot of scams that start like this, then they need money to fly to you, then they need more money for blah blah blah over and over again and in the end they never turn up.
🥷🏿 go meet ur daughter.
Say yes, ask how she’s going to be dressed. show up earlier from a distance. Take precautions and show up inside after she sits down, so you know you’re safe and it’s legit.
This is super important to her, this could change her life for better… impact her family and kids life. I think you should do it.
I think it is perfectly reasonable to be shocked and second guessing, well, maybe even your whole life. If you need more time before you meet, that is fine. Just tell her that you need more time to think, chat, or get therapy before you meet.
She has known for a minute. You get a moment to breathe too. Maybe ask her what her goals are.
Are you married? That is the person who needs to know aside from you. Everyone else can find out at your leisure.
Good luck!!!
Can I ask- roughly how old are you? How old is she? I’ve probably watched too much true crime but I would not proceed without formal testing. You can be open with her (depending on age) and bring it up in a polite way.
dna test
I don’t see a down side to meeting her. You never knew she existed, so you were not a dead-beat. She is an adult. Meet her and you may discover you want a relationship. If not, you can always cut contact. As an adoptee, I am so glad my awesome birth family took a chance to meet me. We now have an amazing relationship. While your mileage may vary, you will never know unless you take a chance.
I would meet her but insist on a DNA test before you meet up with her again or get any closer to her.
Is there any possible way for you to contact her mom? Depending on the circumstances could potentially be easier than asking a stranger for their DNA.
I would tread lightly. Don’t give personal information or money and ask for a DNA test.
Married human male here. Just meet her at face value and see what’s up. Keep your guard up around your wallet in case of scamming, but otherwise talk to the girl. It’s not like you knew and ditched her, but now that you do know I’d say ditching her would be morally wrong. You should at least give her a chance to meet you (if she’s being truthful). Obviously if the meeting goes well, try to get a DNA test scheduled sometime in the near future so you know for sure. Good luck and congrats.
I wouldn’t meet her.
I know this is a lot to take in. What are your main concerns? Are you worried that it’s not real or how this may change your life? Personally as a woman my instinct is to look her up to “verify” it’s real. Reverse phone lookup, Facebook, etc. Do you know her full name, age (does it match up?), what town she lives in? Seeing a picture of her and verifying information would make me feel more comfortable but ultimately you don’t know someone’s intentions right off the bat. Maybe have another phone call before deciding to meet if that makes you more comfortable. Good luck!
DNA test.
[deleted]
I’d assume this situation being so huge calls for some occasional general chat before going ahead with a personal meeting. In those chats ask how she knows. I’m hoping my son may one day find his father. I wouldn’t encourage him to find out using the name I told him given it was a drunken one-nighter. He must find out through DNA testing. If that isn’t done yet, encourage her to do it together. Push that you want her to have certainty too.
Absolutely If I were you I would want to meet her, man I can’t believe how many people are so quick to “pull the trigger” for the DNA test!!!! Actually if her family members have had DNA tests and you have one done yourself that would help, if this is a scammer I’m sure you will figure it out pretty early on.
[deleted]
This happened to my dad. I was 21 when I (and he) discovered that I had a 27 year old half-brother living in a completely different country.
I would need a DNA test just for the fact that I would need to include her in my will and update her on family medical history. I don’t want to have her believe that I am her father when I am not.
If she happens to be an elf from the North Pole, you’ll need to bond her out of jail when she gets arrested and don’t get too upset when she cuts up your furniture to make a rocking horse.
ask for a DNA test and don’t give her money til you know for sure because it doesn’t make sense why she’d just have your phone number. it could be a scam
You most certainly need to meet her since you already agreed to it. Please be brave and meet her. You will absolutely crush her if you don’t. There may be an instant, unspoken connection. You won’t regret it. From there you could confirm with a DNA test, but hell you might be able to tell just by looking at her!
Most people that find one other through testing like Ancestry or 23&Me usually meet first on a video chat
My sixty some year old BIL found a son on Ancestry in his forties with seven kids. A fling he had when he was in his twenties. My 90 y.o. MIL went from no grandkids to a slew of them.
Testing is easy enough to do.
There goes half your house
[deleted]
Meet her after the dna test, you’ll definitely feel it if you don’t .
I would get tested when you meet which i think you should. Someone carries your DNA and has your traits and stuff. That’s pretty cool. And she deserves to know her family history as far as medical stuff and where she comes from. Make sure its real but you definitely should meet her. If you got someone pregnant who never asked anything of you, that’s wild. You got to live your life however you wanted with zero contribution to her. You kinda owe her in my opinion.
Another vote for a DNA test. Before you do anything. Don’t want to get emotionally invested only to find out down the track that you aren’t her father.
If she truly is your daughter. Work on being her friend first. Let it grow from there. I found out too I had a daughter later in life. With the way we have built our relationship, I will tell you. I am a proud father to her.
I allowed her to vent and tell me everything she resented about me. When she was done. I asked if through time she would let me right the wrong. She did; as she also understood that I was not 100% at fault. I gave her away last month.
My current wife had a hard time in the beginning. But she matured and they are so close now:
I just met my dad 3 years ago. I’m 39 now. He’s never married or had kids. He is a very humble and sweet man. We hang out, do holidays with his side of the family which are also some amazing people. I met people who all look like me for the first time ever. We love to go thrifting for antiques and try new restaurants. I love my dad so much and I’m glad we found each other. As it turns out life hadn’t been too kind to either of us. Now that we have each other we both have a better quality of life. 🩷
CALL HER MOTHER
DNA test bruv
Paternity test
Good luck and congrats!
Funny thing. I recently found my biological father and im an adult (36) he is very hesitant aswell as we are supposed to meet soon! But i am getting the cold shoulder! His wife hates that im even alive!!! She always wanted a daughter and here i am his first born!!! So yeah crazy story!!! But i think go for it mayeb she is the missing piece you needed a d if it doesnt work out at least you meet!
DNA test for sure, but embrace it, be slow and gentle with building a relationship. We only have one life bud enjoy these things.
Man, I’m 52 and was adopted.
You can’t close that door if you open it.
There’s no closure in these matters.
I also admit that I’m cynical and jaded. I only expect the worst of all possible scenarios, as is my lot in life.
I hope it goes well for you.
Do be clear in expectations and boundaries.
I hope for the best.
I need to believe in some form of magic. I’ll never look for my family.
Best of luck!!!
Ancestry matched me with a cousin that I didn’t know I had. Apparently my uncle knocked up some lady when he was traveling around in the army.
So I figure u can both just do ancestry? It matched me with my dad too (I already knew he was my dad, he got a test too for fun lol)
DNA test first. Her mom could have different people who might be the father and maybe you’re the best guess. Get a test done before even meeting up.
Wild lil bro already had a daughter but still ended up getting another well good one!
Invest in a DNA test.
Who knows who else her mother was sleeping with.
Go for a coffee & find out as much as you can also get the DNA samples.
Of course this is a shock. I’m guessing (stab in the dark) that this girl is over 18, since she’s come looking?
My advice: When you meet, insist on ONLY a very public place, with cameras, and take a trusted female friend with you, so that IF this girl turns out to be a scammer, she can’t claim you did anything inappropriate, and try to claim money or threaten to damage your reputation.
INSIST on a DNA test, and even if she is your daughter, I’d continue to meet in public places with your trusted female friend while you get to know her.
(I’m a mother, and if my daughter was meeting her father for the first time as a young adult, this arrangement would be 100% appropriate to me too.)
After all you are a grown man and a holiday fling isn’t enough to really know you. I apologize if you find that offensive , but young women face enough predatory behavior in men that it’s best to be careful.
If she turns out to actually be your daughter, realize that she may have had an image of you that doesn’t match your personality etc. There will be ups and downs in the process as you both get used to the new dynamic. A big learning curve.
It’s not your daughters fault she was born, you’re responsible for her existence and you now have the privilege of getting to know her. I’d meet her, tell her that you need a dna test, and if positive, build a relationship in small steps at a time.
Go for it! She may well be your flesh and blood.
…. And maybe update us too please!🙏
First of all be careful, and agree to meet day time and in a public place just in case it is some kind of scam.
About DNA test, yeah sure. But she didn’t ask anything from you (yet). Just having a coffee with you. If this is all true, take it slow cause asking DNA test straight away could hurt her. She grew up without a dad. Dude, just go and see. Be kind and cautious. A scam of that sort is a long term play so at some point, if you are willing to let her in your life, paternity test will anyway be needed.
It is all about intention.
Good luck.
Just want to say congratulations! (Obligatory “if this is not a scam.”) If it’s true, this sounds very exciting for you. I hope this brings you and her joy in the end.
UpdateMe
Get a DNA test first. It’ll make everything clearer before you dive into anything emotional.
Do a DNA test. Then, if confirmed, realize you’re a father, her father, have coffee with her accept some responsibility and let the girl have a relationship with her dad. Scary as it may be, it sounds like a potential reality you might have to accept. She didn’t ask to be born, and apparently lived alot of her life without you, I doubt she’ll expect much from you except to maybe have a relationship of some kind with her bio dad.
This happens WAYY more often than people realize. I have so many friends who “don’t know” their father, but found them through random conversations with parents/aunts/gossip, went looking for them aimlessly on social media and fully were like YUP that’s my dad. Splitting image. Some peoples kids just aren’t that interested in finding out or too hung up on other things to give it any real attention, but lots of men have kids out here they don’t know about.
Meet up for coffee
Test the theory – her mum still. Alive? Contact her mum
Dna test of course
OP will you keep us updated
DNA test first, then conversation
You should go back and appeal it. Point out others are saying the same thing. Cant they look at her history and see she does this to others now? Give her the double whammy.
Definitely do a DNA test!
Maybe she just wants a free DNA test… 😉
But all jokes aside: get a test and get confirmation.
What’s her plan?
And what’s yours?
I know everyone is saying it’s a scam but I have a different perspective to offer.
I was raised in a very religious family. As were my parents.
My mum ran away from home at like 17 because religious family lol.
She got pregnant to a 30 year old. At 17.
She went back home once she found out she was pregnant. She had me. Then she met my (step) dad. Married him before I was 2yo. He’s the man who raised me, and he’s my father.
When I got older I was definitely more and more curious about who the “sperm donor” was. There’s a whole other side of the story that ended up making me. Like a whole other person there. No, they weren’t my dad in person, but I still share some DNA with someone else and I was interested to know a little about that person.
I did contact him Via Facebook, he very quickly confirmed my mother’s identity by telling me things he knew about her that I never asked.
He suspected it could happen one day. But he also didn’t want me to be very involved in his life because he lied to his family at the time he knocked up a 17yo (gee no surprise there)
That was fine, I’m happy enough having a little conversation and learning a little more about who he is. I can probably ask him about medical history etc if I ever need to for my own health as well.
Not all is a scam, but not everyone is legit either
She should be able to tell you something specific about her mother that you would know that a scammer wouldn’t.
It must be hard but still, this could grow into a positive connection. Keep expectations low and stay open minded.
2 words… DNA TEST! IF it comes back positive, then move forward.
This is crazy, but before you meet her, you should seriously ask for a DNA test. There have been people scammed with stories just like this. It sounds legit, but better safe than sorry, right?
She could think the same that maybe you might take advantage of her , need someone to look after you in old age or pay for care
. There should be no expectation and get your DNA test. She may have a dad figure in her life you can’t assume your going to take on a role in an instant with someone you haven’t seen growing up
First of if you go and see her that would be great for her, second you dont need to be nervous, she is a stranger you meet up and explain your toughta to her say that you are nervous and dont know what to do. Also you need to decide if you want to be in her life or not and tell her that too. İt might be a good idea to be slow if you want to be in her life. İntegrate your life like making a New friend and becomung best friends in a span off years.
Well thats just my opinion, you do you. And good lick.
Paternity test first
Speaking as someone who is adopted, I think I can offer some insight. My whole life, I’ve wondered about my health history, my nationality, what my birth parents look like, and so on. In my early thirties, I managed to track down my birth mother and half-sister. I met them once, and surprisingly, I didn’t feel the need to take it further. But the missing piece now is my birth father.
I’ve been told I look just like him, and when you grow up not resembling anyone around you, that’s a pretty exciting thought. The frustrating part is that people around me do know who he is, but no one is willing to help me find him. I think they assume I’m after something—money, drama, who knows—like many of the comments I’ve seen here. But really, I just want to know where I come from. I want to meet this person people say I resemble. Maybe I’d meet him once and never speak to him again. But I won’t get that chance.
So, my advice? Gently confirm—if you haven’t already—that you are her father. If you are, tell her this has been emotionally hard for you and that you’re not quite sure how to handle it. Then ask her what she’s hoping for from meeting you. That way, you won’t be left wondering, and she’ll feel that you’re approaching this with thoughtfulness and care.
Give her chance to meet up. If after meeting, ask for DNA test if you want. But don’t assume she’s there to scam you or get something other than a connection that has been missing her entire life.
Then it’s up to her to be who she is. This may be one of the best things that’s ever happened to you or she could be out for something.
If she is your daughter (in assuming she is) it was no doubt hard for her to make that call and ask to meet you. Can you imagine being in her place and not knowing if you’ll be hung up on or rejected? Absolutely terrifying.
How do I know? In adopted. There’s an unopened DNA kit that I desperately wanted less than 2 feet from where I’m laying in bed right now. It’s been sitting there over a year and I look at it every day. I’m terrified that there will be no familial matches. I’m terrified that there will be. But I’m most afraid of making the call she did and being told that they want nothing to do with me.
So, internet stranger, thank you for agreeing to meet her. I’m hoping when I get up tomorrow this gives me the push to finally take that test.
Don’t give money, but get a DNA test
DNA test before meeting her
Very likely she’s just wanting to find out more, be honest about it and opem, you weren’t aware her mother was ever pregnant and no one ever mentioned anything until the girl reached out
Maybe even talk about a DNA test as I’m sure she’d be opem to it also, sounds like she just wants to find out about her biological father and if that’s the case then I don’t see why she’d be opposed, she’s gone this far so I imagine she’d definitely want confirmirmation also
DNA test. From there, just make sure her only purpose isn’t to bleed you dry financially.
DO NOT DO ANYTHING.. Apologize and tell her that you cannot meet up with her until she and you do a DNA test from an independant company.. NEVER meet a woman saying she is related to you unless you know it already! DO NOT DO THIS!!
It was the family secret. I was 25 years old when I learned my dad adopted me to give me his last name. My parents divorced when I was 8. That was before the internet. (Which made searching much easier) I was 50 years old when I found my real father. He accepted me and I visited him several times before he passed away. I’m very happy to have that question answered! She’s probably scared and a bit confused over how to handle all this. It was very brave of her to approch you!
Have an open mind.
Heya, so I was the daughter in this situation back in 2023. At 32 years old I learned that the guy who raised me was not my biological father. The initial phonecall, and the subsequent meet up was nerve wracking. He was obviously a little skeptical at first too, but he also knew there was a possibility I existed.
I assured him that I wanted nothing from him, including a relationship if he wasn’t interested, but some medical history and a single conversation would suffice. I had already done a dna test, and asked him to take one as well to confirm. He did.
We’ve been building a relationship and talk on the phone a few times a month. We’ve met up 3 times, which is impressive given that he lives across the country from me. He came and spent a week with me for my 34th birthday.
I say all this to say, that yes, it could be a scam, but it could also be real, and she could also be just as nervous as you. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk about it.
Same thing happened to me… girlfriend got pregnant, said nothing, left me for another guy and told him that he was the father.. daughter at 16 years old appeared on my doorstep after getting kicked out by her mother… you cannot be a dad at that point, or a father although technically you are.. i viewed it as i could be an adult she could come to for advice as we rebuilt our relationship over years.
My friend has just had a DNA on a 28 year old girl
I would have bet everything I own that she was his
But she wasn’t……
I was told a man was my biological father. There are photos of him with my mom of a wedding, of us all together. They divorced almost right away and my mom raised me. I saw him a handful of times. My mother badmouthed him constantly. He remarried and at one point the step mother told me he was not my biological father and my mom was a whoring liar. I was 13. I’d seen him maybe 4 times since he left when I was a baby. He didn’t pay child support. Didn’t act like my father. I also had limited, then no contact with his side of the family. After that I did not see him again. I invited him to my wedding- his wife returned the invitation Unopened. Years went by and that little thought stayed in my head. My mom was pretty wild and it was a wild time in history so, without shaming my mom, it is entirely possible my stepmother told me the truth. I look nothing like him. I also discovered some weird timing facts and when I asked my mother she was cagey and indirect in her answer. Like I said, she was pretty wild free n young. Finally, in my forties I had an existential crisis. In a weird turn my paternal aunt found me on FB and we all ( including the dad) the reconnected. At first it was cool but as I got to know him I was really grossed out. He was VERY MAGA, totally a conspiracy theorist,misogynistic and just generally not a person I would want in my family. He and my mother both swear up and down they are my parents. But my mom has been known to lie or skirt truth before to protect herself. If he believed he was my father all these years and didn’t work to have me in his life, support me, he completely lacks integrity. I’m not interested in dna testing though. I eliminated him from my life and I’m grateful he did not raise me. I have no relationship with him, will likely die not knowing the truth, and have a gray rock LC relationship with my mom.
Why did you give her a fake name and then not reference her at all in the rest of the post
This happened to my father in law s few years ago. The mother lied about having a miscarriage and moved to another state, she died a year after having birth and the don’t was adopted by some Jehovah’s witness folks who proceeded to move to the other side of the country. 40 something years later fil got a phone call and now my brother in law lives next door to us with his 25 yo daughter.
They didn’t do a DNA test, the resemblance was too uncanny to doubt. Just like a lifetime movie lol
If you think it’s nerve wracking to meet her for coffee, try to imagine how much it took her to pick up the phone and call you. Knowing there was every chance you’d hang up or ghost her. Aren’t you even slightly curious?
Happens – just go with the flow brother
This happened with my dad. He had a 26 year old woman knock on his mum’s door claiming to be his child. From a teenage fling before he met my mum. It was difficult at first. This was around 15 years ago.
Since then, she has moved to the area, he gave her away at her wedding, she gave him his first grandchild. She’s super close with everyone, my mum, siblings, grandparents, etc. it’s really been a gift for everybody involved.
DNA test 1st step. She may want money, lifestyle support, or perhaps just knowledge. What she wants vs. what you want to provide will guide your next steps.
I think meeting up sounds nice, but I’d recommend a dna test before you get too far in the relationship. Just to be sure before you get attached.
Listen to some DNA podcasts. Tons of stories like these. Might give you some insight
OP updateee usss, also get a DNA test to be sure.
I gave up my son in 1984. I thought I will never hear from him because most boys don’t feel a need to reach out to their birth mothers. Well, 2013, he found me on Facebook! I was scared, nervous, and excited to meet him and his fiancé. I questioned if I was good enough to be in his life. Oh but I’m so glad I did meet him. Grateful. It was a wonderful get to know him moment. I got to remeet his mom. She’s even more kind than I knew, but I suspected as much. I say go meet her for coffee.
Father’s day, not always good.
You don’t need to ask for a DNA test just to talk. Motives are your first litmus test. She could have a well established life with family and kids and happiness and all she wants to do is know who you are. I encourage you to look into it and not run.
I AM a daughter that made a call like this to my birth father who never knew I existed. There are a lot of things can go wrong in this situation but it turned out great all around for me and my birth family. It was somewhat traumatic for my adopted family though so be careful with any children you have or your spouse if you were in a relationship with her at the time. My birth father just passed away last week so I’m glad I didn’t waste time having a relationship.
HOLY FUCK how I thought this was my dad I just found writing this lol
I found my dad thru using 23 AND ME and matched with his son i.e .y younger brother and found out I have a sister my age but 6 months younger…He now knows I AM his oldest kid
Listen and verify. Meet her. Let her know that you will need a dna test. Be kind. Because unless she is a horrible scammer she may have been given inaccurate info if it is negative.
Wishing good things for you both.
I met my brother when I was 23.. my dad didn’t know he had another kid and the mom never said anything.
He asked us how we felt about it and asked if he should get a DNA test.
But my brother just wanted to meet my dad. He didn’t want money, he already had a job and his mom said she just never said anything because it wasn’t a real relationship between them and she wanted to just keep her son regardless of having my dad in her life or not.
Safe to say, we never got the DNA test and I am now at 30, I mention that I have a brother anytime it comes up.
He just wanted a relationship with my dad and that’s alright too. It wasn’t a grab for money.
But every situation is different, just wanted to share mine!
DNA test
FWIW, a dna test isn’t the worst idea simply due to medical history. My dad has been out of my life since I was a toddler. Whenever I have to provide family history to a healthcare provider, I just shrug. If you have a family history of heart disease, for example, it might be good information for her to have.
Please be kind to her. This could well be legit and this is an extremely emotional experience for this young lady if it’s true. I know I contacted my siblings on my father’s side a couple of years ago and I was not accepted at all by 5 of my 6 siblings. One brother was very nice and that helped me a lot. But it’s not this girls fault. I assure you this is close to her heart. Please be kind
As a girl who’s been on the other side of this situation, I hope you’ll consider meeting with her. This could be something she’s been building up the courage to do her whole life, despite all the fears and what-ifs. Yes, be cautious – there’s always a chance it’s not genuine – but more than likely, she’s just a terrified girl hoping to understand who she is and where she comes from. That kind of courage deserves a moment of your time and it could very well lead to something wonderful.
She likely did a DNA test and figured it out from there, or from her mother. Be the bigger person. Step up, meet her. You don’t “owe” her a relationship but its the decent thing to do. Good luck.
Meet your daughter. If you do t you’ll regret it later.
I would insist on talking to the mother first. Get the story from her and ask why she stole your opertunity to be a part of this woman’s life when she was a child….That should be a crime punishable by jail time in my opinion.
Before you accept this blindly, do genetic testing.
Maury povich
DNA test, purely out of curiosity. Go from there. Maybe she is? If she is geniune, not a scammer, she needs to know more than you do.
Request a DNA test for sure. You can’t be expected to just suddenly accept that you’re her father even if the evidence is strong. Once you have that info then consider getting to know her. Many men are duped into believing they are a father when actually it’s a genuine mistake and they’re not or they are manipulated and lied to for some reason, usually to be financially exploited somehow.
The first thing I’d do is get a dna test done and then go from there